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The beginning

Welcome! I have contemplated starting a blog like this for years. My own insecurities and obsessions with perfection have held me back…….up until now! I am throwing all caution to the wind by just doing it! Right now in my life I feel I have nothing to lose.

I am a woman living with C-PTSD or Complex PTSD. I am not a military veteran however I consider myself a warrior in life. My entire life, more specifically my formative years, were incredibly traumatizing. My family of origin was emotionally abusive. I always felt I didn’t exist, the forgotten child, blending in with the walls of our house. I am the middle child of six, ours is a blended family since my parents were both previously married and came with two children each upon entering into their marriage together. I understand and accept that both my parents did the best they could, it was the 1970s and I believe they didn’t fully understand the emotional repercussions they inflicted upon their children.

I always felt I had to pick a side between who’s team I was on, Mom’s or Dad’s. My mother is a Borderline personality and her behavior was always chaotic at best. My father was a workaholic who owned a car dealership. We were upper middle class and I never wanted for anything. Sounds great right? Not exactly. My father wasn’t home much and when he was he was emotionally absent, very controlling and strict. My mother has the EQ of a 4 year old and couldn’t regulate her own emotions let alone guide those of her children. My younger sister and I were left to our own devices, raised by wolves as one of my therapists has described it. I was never allowed to show anger or sadness. I was to always be happy and in a good mood for fear of not being accepted or loved. Love was dolled out with conditions. I was shamed into believing that only happiness was allowed to be expressed. Every other emotion was stuffed, stifled and forced away. This was done by verbal abuse and sometimes mild physical abuse. I can admit now I would of rathered it of been all the latter because those wounds heal. The emotional scars from my childhood are still prominent today. My fear of abandonment and acceptance hinder my relationships with others but mostly with myself. I have had over 30 years of therapy both inpatient hospitalizations and outpatient courses of behavioral modification.

The best outpatient course I completed was in DBT or dialectical behavioral therapy. I nicknamed it emotional college. The principles I learned to integrate into my life have been life altering in such a positive way.

The most difficult of these is the idea of Radical Acceptance. It is a daily task for me to accept not only myself but what occurs around me. When I can get to that place, I have peace. I understand that things are not perfect, I don’t have to agree with everything but things are as they are. It is what it is. I can let go. Ican accept the moment for what it is but most essentially I can accept myself.

I look forward to exploring more of my emotional processes here in my blog. I believe I have an unique voice because I am insightful. I am also an intuitive empath which comes with it’s own set of challenges and gifts.

Let this writing adventure and self introspective begin!

20 thoughts on “The beginning”

  1. I’m so proud of you Maria. You really have sense of who you are an how you were. It something I struggle with a lot. My perception is off lol. I just do know myself. Your an inspiration to me.❣

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  2. Great post! I just want to say, though, that the physical abuse is what I wish I could unexperience. Those memories terrorize me all the time. If it had all only been verbal/emotional abuse, I’d be in such a better place now. But of course I understand that we all feel differently about that sort of thing. We might have a lot in common. My mom has these phases from normal (with mild happiness) to anxious/panicky/narcissistic/histrionic, and then back to normal. So I totally hear ya.

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    1. Hi, my name is Maria and I’m so happy to meet you. I expierenced all of it and for me it’s the cyclonic patterns of the emotional abuse that destroyed my spirit for a very long time. Keep reading my posts because I’m sure my story will resonate within you. The main mission of my blog and poems is to inspire others and give hope to those who go through dark periods. I never want anyone to feel as alone as I did. Thank you for your support💜

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      1. Yeah, you mentioned it! 🙂 Oh yeah, I can imagine. With my mother, it was a total rollercoaster ride. One therapist likened it to her being an alcoholic (she didn’t drink) because there was no predictability and an awful lot of negativity, abuse, and drama all the time. I’d be glad to follow your blog! I love the mission of not letting anyone feel alone! It’s great to meet you! My name’s Meg. 🙂

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      2. Mine too and believe me my sisters and I used to wish she would drink lol….I think you can relate to that. She and my father were always at odds and it’s amazing that they are still married today. When I started this blog we were estranged, as we have been off and on throughout my adulthood but thankfully now we are close again. I have very strict boundaries with my family however but they are 75 and 86 yrs old. Time has mellowed them and I have forgiven, accepted and moved on. Most of us are just reliving and acting out past traumas and experiences that keep us from the present moment and from healing. They did the best they could. My childhood and upbringing definitely shaped me as a mother and I actively do the opposite of what was done to me with my two sons. Great to know you my friend😊💜

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      3. Oh, that’s beautiful!! Yes, I’m much the same way. My dad lives downstairs and is very companionable. (I’m disabled due to schizophrenia and then some.) My mom still has her “phases” but I often hope for the best whenever I engage with her, and if things go poorly, I write a hilarious blog post about it. 😀 I don’t have any grudges against them either, but lately I’ve been working through romantic relationships + my feelings of worthlessness. It makes no sense–I have really high self-esteem, and I want everyone else to feel great about who they are, too. But on some level, I have a pattern of sabotaging romantic (or potential romantic) relationships with the pattern that goes back to the abuse. That’s what I’m working on these days with self-improvement and such! 🙂 I’m glad you have good boundaries with your parents and that things are better now!! YAY!!

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      4. Thank you, yes me 2!! I actually have compassion and sympathy for them in their older age. They live in another state so it’s distance mostly that keeps the boundaries tight, no dropping in lol…..what you’re describing sounds like inner child and shadow work. Yes, I have had long term romantic relationships but have had to face a lot of my own patterns that made them difficult at times. I am a companion type of gal having been married for 12 years and now I’ve been with my fiance for almost 7. This is the year we will finally tie the knot. He is an ex professional football player and Superbowl Champion who struggles with his own mental health having Concussion syndrome, schizoaffective bipolar and PTSD. If you’ve seen the movie Concussion, that’s my life in many many ways. I took a parenting course when my 1st son was born that was called Embracing your Dysfunction. I know that despite yo downside of growing up like that I have many great qualities like I’m extremely patient, accepting and u understanding of others. It helped me hone my skills as an empath in a major way so I’m grateful. I have always been interested in people because I knew my family was different than my other friend’s families. I’m thrilled that you are sharing your story with me and I will go look at your blog now too. What’s yours called so I can search it?

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      5. Oh wow, congrats on being engaged! That’s wonderful!! If you could point me toward some resources for shadow work and inner child issues, that would be great! (Self-help books? Shrug.) I haven’t seen the movie, but it sounds dreadful to have sports-related concussion issues!! 😦 He shares my other disorders! Wowz. I’m so glad you’ve become a good parent. I’d want to take a class too if I were pregnant, and I think that’s a great thing to do! Especially with issues from having seen it all done wrong. My blog is at whenbadadvicehappens.wordpress.com . Just heed the trigger warnings (don’t be a hero) and keep in mind that I’ve been working through some anger issues lately related to the shadow stuff you mentioned! 😀 YAY!

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      6. I would first suggest you follow @the.holistic.psychologist on Instagram and YouTube. She has some great content that is easily digestible and simple to follow, not easy but you can definitely learn from her. I do a lot of energy work with my friend who is a long distance healer, shamanic and Reiki master. Her name is Lindsey Luna. She has meditations and videos on YouTube and her IG handle is soul.healing.with luna
        Most of my deep work was done with a therapist one on one. I went through many many sessions of EMDR, Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing is a form of psychotherapy that reprocessed the trauma so your body can release it. A great book is called The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk.
        It was a conscious decision to do the best job I could as a Mom and appreciate your compliment. It was incredibly difficult when I had to choose between myself and my boys but now that I’ve healed so much my oldest son and I are very close. I know my younger one will come around in time. What we share is hope, we must never give up ever💪

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      7. Thanks for the suggestions!! I’ve had EMDR (many years ago), but my intuition is screaming at me that I need to go back and have more done. I should definitely look into it!! It helped, but not all the way yet. I’ll get the book too, and look into the other things as well!! 🙂 Oh yes, we should never give up, and I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you can connect with your younger son! 🙂 That would be great!!

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      8. You were right from the beginning, while quickly speed reading a few of your posts, we have A TON in common!! I love that you use tarot cards as a guide as I do. It’s such a pleasure, truly to have connected with you Meg. You are more than welcome. It takes a village and healing as a collective in a community setting is so incredibly powerful and empowering!!

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  3. Hey! I’m Taylor Grace, and a new follower to your blog (saw your guest post on Luna). I also have cptsd, along with other things that seek to steal my joy and life but I’m a warrior too! I look forward to reading more of you and hope you have the best day xoxo

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    1. Hi there my friend, I am always happy to meet a new writer on here! I’m happy you found me and that my writing resonates with you. It’s the reason I write, so that we don’t have to feel alone or crazy. I hope you too have a fabulous day, your kind comment just made mine😉❤✌

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  4. Happy two year anniversary. I wanted to see your start on this day. It is so fulfilling to see how you have grown over these two years. Thank you for sharing your journey. Gives me a lot of strength and hope.

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