Tag: #trauma

Phew, I have been on a roll lately my dear readers that has time moving at light speed! I’ve been so busy in the best ways. First of all, my oldest son Tyler, who had never visited me here in Dallas, came here last week for four days. Now he has my heart singing because he told me he wants to relocate here! His father, my ex-husband and I have been divorced for almost ten years now. I relocated out of state of Rhode Island seven years ago so needless to say, I haven’t lived in the same state as my children for a long time.

I have written before about how messy my divorce was but it stands to emphasize that my ex is quite ignorant. He has refused to speak to me for going on five years now. We share joint custody but I granted him primary placement because he is the more stable one in both finances and emotions between the two of us. He has successfully alienated my younger son Miles, who will be 15 in April, from me. I understand why things have unfolded as they have and I have faith that once he has more real life experience plus a few more years of maturity, he will come around as Ty has.

I have never, and I am proud of this fact, spoken a negative word about their father to either of my boys. That is their Dad, part of who they are and their idol even hero in many ways. I know all too well how when one parent is always negative about the other, the incredible damage it does to not only the parent child relationship but the child’s self esteem. This being said, my oldest will be 19 in August and is well aware of how both of his parents differ in personality. I have become more free to explain my side of things now.

Having Ty here was wonderful. I was a stay at home mother for twelve years and my greatest role in life will always be Mom. Getting to inhabit that role again is just the best feeling!! Ty and I are very alike and we vibe so well off each other naturally,  it’s so cool😊 He loves to tell me how when he thinks about me, while he’s home in RI, all of a sudden I call and vice versa for me! I tell him that’s because we are so connected plus we are both empaths. We finish each other’s sentences and I can recognize how strong his intuition is, especially for his age. Ty is light years ahead of me when I was his age! He makes me so damn proud😁

This post is entitled “My big day off” though so let’s get to that😉

I love it when I get a day off during the week. I had a few errands to run downtown which took up most of my afternoon. I don’t own a car, so I use ride share, Uber specifically, everywhere I go. Today however, my destinations were close enough that I could walk to each of them. I don’t know what was in the air today but I found myself bumbling around from each place to the next. I’m talking about walking the wrong route more than once, forgetting my bag at a stop and having to search desperately for a public restroom! I couldn’t get out of my own way🤪

In the late afternoon, I had Uber bring my partner to our favorite hole in the wall pub so we could have a stiff drink and an early dinner or late lunch depending on how you want to look at it😉 I simply walked there and met him. It’s so important to me that we have at least one “date” a week where we can be ourselves, no distractions and be the fun loving couple we are. Letting go of life’s stressors.

We kissed goodbye and I sent him off home while I went over to the dance studio that I have been taking dance classes at. Tonight I returned to tap after many years of attending a proper class! I think the last time I was in a class was when I was sixteen years old! I taught the standard half hour ballet, half hour tap to little ones for years but that is a different beast all together!

I was quickly reacquainted with how mathematical tap is and how often the steps fall on the “and” count. Our teacher was old school and super Southern. A real character and I loved her immediately! She kept remarking on how good I was doing and adding, “just jump in once you get it!”

I know I am so hard, too hard on myself from being trained in such a serious fashion plus dancing at a competitive level that it altered my entire outlook on dance. Returning as an adult, a mother, someone who has been on a 10 year odyssey of spirituality and healing and a yogi for 20 years I can now fully embrace not only myself but my sheer passion for dance! I really honored little Maria tonight. I thoroughly entertained myself and was able to laugh a lot as I untangled the stickiness of remembering the steps! The phrase that kept running through my head was, “you can do it Maria…it’s just like riding a bike!” Plus, I was taught to never walk out of a class, no matter what. I still stick that that rule🙌

This is a 180 degree difference to the Maria I was when I abruptly quit my dancing career at 16. That young lady was extremely hard on herself, self harmed with an eating disorder and was entirely too serious about everything. Nowadays, I enjoy laughing at myself, being silly and actively intending on not taking life too seriously. I make it a point to remind myself throughout my day to relax, will _____ matter a year even a month from now? It’s a mindset and a real shift from where I used to be. Welcome abundance mindset 👏

It felt really good to have the awesome ladies I tapped with tonight tell me they enjoyed my upbeat energy, personality and tap skills. They each asked if I would return to which I responded with a resounding HELL YEAH!

I must give myself credit here for acknowledging just how much I have grown in a short amount of time. My partner and I discussed it during our meal together. Since unearthing repressed memories of sexual abuse in June that occurred when I was 5 and 6, I have expierienced two back to back spiritual awakenings that have significantly raised my internal vibration. I acquired a new job that I absolutely love, my dream job in so many ways. I am healing my inner child wounds and in doing so have reconnected and solidified my authentic self. The Maria I am today is the most comfortable I have ever been in life. 100%

Ty even told my dear friend and the owner of the boutique I manage that he never thought he would see his Mom this happy. She remarked on how evident my influence was on him during his formative years because of what a great young man he has grown into being. That is definitely the greatest compliment I could ever receive. Deciding to move to Florida, push the reboot button in life after the divorce was extremely painful and difficult for all three of us, my boys and I. Being a Mom and raising my sons is my hands down greatest accomplishment in life. The separation alienated me from not only them but some of my family and friends. Many people had harsh comments and opinions for a mother, who in their words, chose to abandon her children. Entrusting them selflessly to their father. I knew he was the better parent at the time. I recognized that and I acted accordingly. Period.

This is the cold hard truth my dear readers. I was so lost, numb to my life at age 33 that I really wanted to die. I attempted taking my own life more than once. I was presented with the toughest choice I have ever had to make but one that was also absolutely necessary. It was my boys or me and I had to choose me which was counter to how I had lived my life up until then all along. Focusing solely on myself was scary as hell (still is at times)and felt so foreign, downright wrong at first. Ten years later, I can say that I love myself, I believe in myself by being my own best cheerleader. Two values I could never own before.

I feel this poem really hits on the vein of letting go, recovering perfectionism and obtaining real self love. It’ll always be a work in progress and I’m ok with that. Keeping my mind open, willing to always learn, laugh at myself and embrace all that life has to offer is where I’m at today😊