This photo was originally posted by city close to Dallas. The message is clear. I stand with my black brothers and sisters to call out what needs to stop. We all deserve better than this. Nobody, should ever have to live in fear.
I have a story to share….my partner of 7 years is a black man. Four years ago we were on a road trip from Florida to New England. He was driving the car and we were pulled over for speeding. As most of you know already, I’m a person who’s highly in touch with my emotions. As he distinctly knew how to handle this, all windows rolled down, his both hands on the wheel holding his wallet. He was calm yet I became overwhelmed by fear. I thought I was about to watch the worst unfold as the officer approached his window. I began hysterically crying. The officer took both of us out of the car and questioned us separately. Nothing happened yet I believe my crying actually made him more suspicious something was going on. We pulled away with a mere speeding ticket which is common. I can’t help but think about how different that scenario goes down for other black people. How it ended for George Floyd and his family. Unjust, unfair and senseless.
Love and compassion for all humankind. We’re at a tipping point in our society. This revolution is now. We need to enact real change. This country has so much blood on its hands and can’t continue to sweep systemic racism under the rug.
As a white woman who has grown up with priviledge, it’s crucial for me to stand together with the black community and call out what is going on. The peaceful protests being met with military forces. The white supremacists joining in because our disgrace for a president fans the flames. There are people protecting the police from violence. There is TOO MUCH VIOLENCE. People, wake up to the desensitization and numbness and rise in this revolution and say NO MORE. We all deserve better than this. We are better than this.
Quit the separateness thinking. What happens to one of us affects ALL of us as a collective. We are one. The human race.
Moving through old emotions is like putting on an old pair of shoes that don’t fit anymore. My number one tool is writing to process. I firmly believe whatever God brings me to, He will bring me through. Right now, all I can do is breathe through the breakthrough that occurred two nights ago. I have been working with an amazingly gifted man, Joel Adifon who is a Divine Interventionist. He connected me with a spirit I had long buried and I’m really in the thick of trying to get through some deep and dark emotions that I dissociated from twenty years ago. I am also sitting in the thick of coming up on two anniversaries that are very poignant events in my life. One being my 7 year anniversary with my partner who is now delayed in moving here to Florida. The other being the unearthing of the sexual trauma I finally acknowledged one year ago that sparked my spiritual awakening. Both events are June 1st.
I am feeling very vulnerable and uncomfortable about disclosing the full details publicly here because they are quite controversial and highly personal. What’s important for me right now is to be gentle with myself. I also went on my first guided shamanic journey with my teacher this week. Life has gotten very heavy my dear readers yet it has also been tremendously eye opening and beautiful. I have gone back to the basics of self care. The wash, rinse and repeat cycle of practicing self love and self care. When it comes to sticky and intense emotions, I dive into reading, meditation, crying, moving my body and put these actions on repeat mode. Drinking plenty of water, celery juice and taking Valerian root at night for a solid and restful sleep. Today I practiced a gentle form of yoga in a virtual class. Breaking out the sleep hypnosis videos I have collected in a playlist on YouTube and burrowing myself under my weighted blanket for extra relaxation breaks during the day. I’m a person with super high energy and vibrancy for life and this has stopped me dead in my tracks. I keep hearing my dear soul sister and teacher Lindsey’s voice in my head, “Maria, be gentle with yourself”.
I find it synchronistic that the post I wrote before this one is titled, “Grace, humility and patience” because those are the values I am being again asked to practice towards myself. Joel was talking about whenever healers, teachers and leaders have a lesson they are about to take on, the Divine makes sure its amplified in life for us to really learn it. Boy, is that happening for me right now! I’m being asked to revist these old wounds yet as a stronger version of myself. I continue to shed the old skin of trauma Maria as I transform into healer Maria. In order to create something new, I must rid myself of the old and what no longer serves.
Today’s passage in “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo focused on exactly what I needed to remember. I have written here many times praising his insight and wisdom, today being no exception. “Giving up what no longer works”…..he continues to write…”like Moses, Jesus and Budda, the deepest among us have all shown that living is a process of constantly paring down until we carry only what is essential. Always to be moving deeper and deeper inwards where the forces of God make us one.” Man if I didn’t wake up and FEEL that! Thankfully, soon after I read that Lindsey messaged me as she will do to validate and confirm that the river of emotion will recede and what isn’t me will fall back away to reveal what is me. Two incredibly important messages I needed to integrate into my being today. I have been going back and rereading them throughout the day as reminders that yes, this too shall pass as did all the other inner struggles I have faced.
I know this much to be true and I hold it near and dear to my soul. Nothing, absolutely nothing can shake me from my path. Staying in alignment, true to my authentic self is where I have discovered an abundance of peace. Life isn’t happening to me any longer but for me. For all of us! I am an active participant in what I choose to engage in and what I pass on. After the dark roads I have travelled, I know nothing will ever break me again to the point that I can’t find my way back to my heart. Everything is possible with the faith, hope and love I have in God. He has never failed me and is always there along with my spirit guides, saints. angels, other ascended masters and as always my dear Nana. She came forward during our D.I. session to tell me that she is helping to push the puzzle pieces together. That statement made me sob because of the many times I have cried out loud, specifically when I was going in and out of the hospital years ago stating to the doctors that my brain felt like a million piece puzzle that someone smashed on the ground. We must be broke open to be put back together and this I know in my bones. Plus, my Nana loved to do puzzles and was always doing them in her spare time.
Today after the virtual yoga class, I walked to the pool and allowed the water to soothe me as I swam laps. Enjoying my solitude there, I put my favorite music of the 70s, singers and songwriter’s playlist on. Again, I allowed the tears to fall as I floated, gazing up into the blue sky as the puffy white clouds passed overhead. Allowing Spirit to hold me as the emotion flowed it’s way through. I used to fear crying. I thought I would literally never stop and drown in my own tears. My heart would ache so heavily, it hurt. Nowadays, I’m thankful that I can self soothe and go with that emotional river’s flow until it is ready to cease. I can retire to my bedroom, my sanctuary and write a poem. Wrestling with truth is becoming easier and always necessary my dears.
Caught in between
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I’d say these three values have been tested and strengthened the most over these past two and half months my dear readers. I’ve written here many times that I firmly believe that God brings us to everything He knows we can live through. Period. The less we resist the challenges life presents to us the easier it is to integrate these values into our character. Surrender. Release. Let go. This too has been a focused mantra of mine. Forgive me my dears, for I never want to portray any of this as being easy yet the concept is simple. With daily intentions and practice, we all have the ability to manifest a life beyond our wildest dreams! I am living proof of that my dear readers.
I have been thoroughly enjoying this holiday (in the U.S. we are celebrating Memorial Day) and because it’s been raining off and on ALL weekend, I have spent my time binging some Netflix documentaries and mini-series. The one that really grabbed my heart is called, “Unorthodox” about a young women’s life as she grows up in the Hasidic community and ultimately discovers that their world is not for her as she leaves to discover her own true path. The parallels I drew to my own life, healing and self discovery were quite evident in each of the four parts of this series. The main character, Esty, definitely had to learn to show herself some grace while being patient enough with herself to discover her place in this world. I believe the humility she already possesses as a young woman in her ultra Orthodox Jewish faith helped her a lot as she forges through the many obstacles of leaving the only place she has ever lived and travels to Berlin, Germany. This is a true story written by a woman who actually did just that in hopes of uncovering her true authentic self. From the very beginning she even tells the man who is to become her husband by means of an arranged marriage that she isn’t like the other girls, she is different.
For those of you who have been reading my blog here, I too have expressed that I have always felt different from my peers. The black sheep of my family. Many of the scenes like the one of her bathing in the kosher bath as a way of purifying her body before her marriage resonated deeply with me. Her attempts at being reborn through becoming sub servant to her new husband in order to birth his children and repopulate the world with more Jewish people in order to make up for the millions lost in Holocaust is both selfless and remarkedly relatable because I believe we all experience some level of dysfunction in our lives. It’s meant to serve a purpose I believe in deciding what we ourselves believe in and are committed to carrying on with or what we decide isn’t part of our belief system and should be left aside. I don’t mean any disrespect to this community, that isn’t my intention with this post. My heart in many ways related to and broke for Esty because she was forced into many situations that were not her own choice. God has given all of us free will and we come into this world as sovereign beings yet because of societal conditioning are thrust into certain circumstances and situations not of our own choosing. There in lies the dysfunction.
Coming to terms with our own beliefs and forging a life we can truly be ourselves in is crucial to happiness. I myself have lived most of my adult life in an inauthentic way. Doing things to make others happy in hopes of gaining acceptance and love even if I was hurting myself in the process. After Esty makes friends with a group of musicians and is finally feeling accepted, one of them tells her some truths that were both necessary yet hard for her to swallow. Again, such is life. Are you my dear readers telling people things just to appease them, to be accepted or make them feel happy yet not exposing them to the real truth of a situation in order to spare their feelings? Wow. That one hit close to home. I have often been the bearer of bad news so to speak because I am honest to a fault at times and don’t always sugarcoat my words. I have also been on the receiving end of such harshness and now reflecting back upon those situations, I’m thankful for them. Definitely a shift to how I viewed those situations at the time but isn’t that also another beautiful part of life? The mystery and discovery of what certain things are meant to teach us over our time here on Earth. Our opinions and judgements, perspectives and perceptions can completely shift. I believe just as life itself is, all things are relative and cyclical.
In that part of the story, even though she felt sad she ended up changing her entire approach for her audition in hope’s of obtaining a scholarship she was yearning to get to a prestigious music academy. That is the very essence of all of life’s choices my dear readers. We can learn from these setbacks, shift and go in a conpletely different direction or we can take on a victim mentality and allow whatever hardship to destroy us. We can choose to quit something, which in the long run turns into a resentment. Allowing others to cast judgements that we then use to disempower ourselves is a hard reality to face down the road. Believe me, I have lived through many situations and circumstances that I don’t regret now but at the time wished I had handled differently.
Everything that has happened thus far is truly a blessing and being able to admit that fully is real growth. By living with a false sense of reality, we only hurt ourselves. Up until this part in the story, Esty has faced so much rejection. Mostly within herself yet she keeps courageously plugging along trying to make her dreams come true. When her hopes seem lost, she calls her Grandma, her bubby and the woman who raised her and because the fear of being cast out by the community is too great, her bubby hangs up the phone on her. Again, Esty must decide if that setback will crush her and force her back to the only home she has ever known. Ultimately we are shown that she has the courage to be braveand decides to keep going despite it all. Even when all seems lost, she finds the strength to keep believing in herself. She wants a better future for herself and her unborn child. That part really struck a chord with me as a mother and somebody that has felt like a failure for so long.
This year has been one of complete transformation and rebirth for me on all levels. As a mother, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a friend and most importantly as a woman. Rediscovering myself and remembering what my purpose here in life is has been the most beautiful, painful, tedious and challenging experience of my life thus far. I’m grateful to have discovered what I call my soul language and my true authentic voice. I wrote this poem as a way of expressing that.
I have also started my apprenticeship to become a shamanic healer and in doing so I had some “homework” to commit to doing. I did a lot of sitting with myself, talking openly to God and Spirit. Communicating with the spirit animals that resonate with me, learning about tree spirits, the way Spirit communicates with us through nature. I know many of you probably think as my partner does that that’s totally weird and a foreign feeling activity for you personally. It’s all part of my own journey however and I fully embrace it! God has brought me here to a place of learning more about why I have these extra sensory perceptions and gifts. My path is truly my own and in discovering more about myself I have been given this message. The following poem sums up everything quite well. This is where I find myself and I am eternally grateful to be awake, alive and present for the present that God has given me! Peace, love and light my dear readers….love yourself and one another.
Please check out my 2 books of poetry available now on Amazon at the links below.
This post is going to be a bit different than my other posts my dear readers. This one a journal entry, a peak into my inner world.
Opening my eyes this morning, I greet the day with enthusiasm and curiosity for what God has in store for me. What lesson will I learn today and what experience will touch my soul. These are my first thoughts as I reach for the book I read every day, Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening.” I like to use whatever he reflects upon in the daily passage for my own journal prompt. A mix of where I find myself in the moment and a pearl of his wisdom. I usually write my entry afterwards. Here’s today’s entry:
Breaking patterns and strengthening bonds is the work at hand. Yesterday went so well with Lindsey, my heart feels so full! Ty and I enjoyed a wonderful afternoon together. He treated me to dinner. Even my partner surprised me with a sweet present that I wasn’t expecting, the best kind of gift! I know since arriving here at my parent’s house, me energy has been unsettled. Showing myself grace while being gentle, I will figure out what feels best here. Of course I have my lounge chair set up outside by the lake, my happy place. It’s where I can observe nature, speak with God and receive messages from my spirit guides. I told Lindsey that as a “homework” practice this week for my apprenticeship to become a Shamanic healer, I will reestablish my self journeying which plainly means I will be intentional about spending more time solo outdoors, in self reflection. I have to feel my way through because that’s my best asset and my strongest sense as an empath. God, please help me to learn my place here and lead with love in every endeavor, especially as it concerns others. Thank you for bringing me this far along my journey. Thank you for helping me heal by recognizing the truth and knowing the beauty you provide for us here on Earth. I’m grateful for the focus I have in following my soul’s path and purpose. I trust that you have brought me here because I’m ready to learn more and what a gift that is! God and your helpers, the angels surrounding me, are continuing to help me heal. Continuing to walk this path in truth and love isn’t a responsibility I take lightly. It’s only with the courage and love you God provide me that I have gotten through the darkness. For in darkness, I have discovered myself and gathered the strength I needed to walk into the light. It brings tears to my eyes when I can sit in meditation and feel the beauty of everything here you have created in every living thing. Each and every day is a gift!
My dear readers, treat each and every day as the gift it is. God will only bring you to and through what you can handle. Trust in Him. Live each day to the fullest my dears for life is precious. From my heart to your heart. So much ❤
Please check out my 2 books of poetry, links below……
Even though the beach is closed, my son and I ventured down here so we could soak up some sun and salt air. Our Universe is in a major retrograde season, six ruling planets are in different positions and boy oh boy have I been feeling the affects! Yesterday in particular was a ride on the ol emotional roller coaster. One I haven’t taken in quite some time.
As with everything, I find myself looking below the surface for the life lesson in every situation. My life has taken another step forward recently, big changes have taken place that are bound to happen when we move to a new environment. Not all of it is awesome and I would be lying if I said there haven’t been some struggles adjusting to things. Mostly I miss my partner and the comfort our companionship provides me. He is my person, my touchstone and the love of my life so living here without him is a huge adjustment. There are times, especially when I am still in meditation that I just burst out in tears.
Yesterday I experienced every feeling under the rainbow and had to force myself to take care of myself by practicing my rituals and selfcare routines of reading, journaling and meditation. My anger hasn’t bubbled up like that in quite sometime. My son and I went for a seven and a half mile trek to the park where they board horses. He rode his bike and I ran. They recently reopened the city parks yet there was nobody there. Unfortunately, the horses weren’t out in the meadows as I had hoped. Being out in nature and observing these beautiful creatures brings me such joy and peace.
I want to let you know my dear readers that we are extremely cautious and safe, wearing masks and social distancing when appropriate. Mostly we haven’t come across any other people while we are out and about. Right now while there is caution tape everywhere here at the beach, there are under ten people spread out either walking along the sidewalk or sitting on benches, like us across the street from the beach. Ty and I both love being outdoors and since the beach is my happy place, I came here to enjoy the energy of being near the ocean.
On a day like this I would normally running into the waves and floating in that gorgeous blue-green water. That is one of my favorite soothing activities and right now my senses could really use a good soak🌊
In the meantime, I’m taking deep breaths and doing what I can to keep calm while the ups and downs of the astral energy have me wanting to pull my hair out at times😜 God is guiding me to focus, breathe, surrender, release and let go of that which I want to instinctively hold onto. Like anything beautiful, we mustn’t hold on too tightly for then its beauty can’t be enjoyed to the fullest. Choosing what to engage my energy and attention in becomes more confusing right now. The best I can do is try to remain as non-judgmental as I can, accept whatever feelings and emotions arise so that I can go with the flow.
I’m highly aware of my own energy these days and I don’t want to do anything to become blocked or stagnant therefore I must allow for space to keep everything copacetic. Practicing yoga, freestyle ballet routines and running are my go to activities. Listening to my favorite music helps me connect to my joy. Keeping little Maria engaged in playful activities like riding my new bike reminds me that being playful helps fuel not only my curiosity for life but my creativity. Spending time with my son is amazingly healing too😁
I had a hard time sleeping last night and I found myself wide awake at 3:30 AM so I wrote this poem highlighting what ghosts retrograde season resurrects for me. Writing always helps me process the most difficult and challenging emotions I feel.
Take good care of yourselves my dear readers, peace, good health, light and lots of love 🥰
Emotional Musings 