I’ve written many times on here referring to my personal motto and mission statement which is “Triumphing over Trauma”. After this last eclipse, a week of deep healing through shadowwork, I feel I have turned a real corner and stepped into my power in a very stabilizing way! This revelation makes my heart sing my dear readers. I’ve finally put the past ten years in the rear view mirror and forgiven myself for ALL of it.
A dear friend and follower on here, http://davidsdailydoseorg.wordpress.com/ commented on my last post, “Short and sweet” about shame and it really got me thinking. Thank you David for your thoughtful and insightful comment because it got me thinking, how much shame have I allowed others to place upon me, how much did I absorb and take responsibility for of which I shouldn’t have. Well, the answer to that is a lot! Last week, I revisited many of the precipitating events and decisions that I made surrounding my divorce and the subsequent decision to move away from my children in order to find myself, thus saving my own life! That decision was the most difficult I have ever made in my life and I have beaten myself up over it for most of the past ten years.
It’s taken being reconnected with my oldest son Ty to truly see the young man he has become to say to myself, Maria, you did a good job! He’s ok and you’re ok. Miles, my youngest will be ok too despite the fact that we are still mostly estranged. Releasing myself from the shame of being a bad mother or abandoning my children (placing then in the full time care of my ex-husband) has lifted a HUGE and heavy weight off my shoulders. I raised them for their most important formative years, Ty until he was 11 and Miles until he was 6. I have expressed to many of my closest friends, family and numerous therapists that leaving them felt like I would die. I spent years in a depressive state, completely not functioning. In the midst of my sorrow, I met my fiancé who is the love of my life. He has told me many times that I was putting an undue strain upon myself by carrying the whole of the responsibility regarding the breakdown of my marriage. It’s taken this past year of deep introspection, this pandemic and all the sudden life altering changes for me to finally see that! Lord God above, thank you for finally helping me to release that self induced burden and for giving me the strength to forgive myself to move on with this next chapter of my life.
What a chapter that has started to be my dear readers! I’ve reconnected with my son Ty, healed old wounds with my parents and my sisters, learning a new career in the art of energy healing and self publishing two books of poetry since April! Yes my dear readers, I’m really excited to announce that I released “My Heart’s Song” on Amazon over the weekend! I haven’t had any book signing events for any of my three books, I don’t employ a literary agent, pay for adverting but I have plans to start hitting the pavement in a real way to push my work. I’m extremely proud of myself for the work I have accomplished and in a few weeks I will be doing an interview with a dear friend and healer who hosts the podcast, ‘The Art of Aliveness” on Spotify. I have referenced Chrissy Marie in past posts and praised her magic. She is a force of nature, so wise and welcoming with her presence and essence of sisterhood. I just adore everything I have taken part in that she facilitates! I will keep you my dear readers posted on when that interview is up but for now, here is her latest episode.
In celebration of Father’s Day, my family and I went out for an Italian dinner at my parent’s favorite spot. My Dad is 100% Itialian and going out to eat is our family’s favorite way of getting together! We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves and I must say this is the first time I had gotten dressed this fancy since March and worn lipstick! I don’t usually wear a lot of makeup daily anymore since I stopped managing the boutique but I do love lipstick because it really embodies everything feminine and is just FUN💄
I know it’s only a matter of time before my partner and I are reunited here in Florida and then my heart will really soar! In the meantime I feel like singing from the rooftops “look out world because this woman is Triumphing over Trauma”! I continue to create, sing to my favorite Grateful Dead tunes while I ride my bike and smile through it all😁
Please check out my 3 books of poetry available on Amazon at the links below📕
I would first love to sincerely thank Tangie T. Woods at Mrs. T’s Corner https://www.tangietwoods for nominating me for the Brainstorms Award! It’s a true honor to interact with so many talented writers and artists on WordPress. I will do the best I can to answer the questions asked of me and then nominate five other awesome bloggers that I follow with five of my own questions. Here it goes…..
Question 1: When did you start blogging?
I have written about this in my early posts and I would like to share my story again now. I’m reminded of a quote by Brene Brown, “Owning your story is the bravest thing you will ever do.” I have kept journals, written poems, short stories and essays my entire life for pleasure and as a way to process my own deeply felt emotions. Writing is how I make sense of the world around me as a highly sensitive person and empath with extra sensory perception. I think in metaphors and analogies. I recently had a dear friend of mine who is a professional astrologer give me my natal chart reading and wasn’t the least bit surprised that writing came up so often. It’s been a dream of mine since I was a child. I told my parents that someday I would write screenplays and who knows, perhaps I will but for now I enjoy authoring this blog and writing my poetry books (the links to which are below and available on Amazon).
In August of 2018 I came across a new movement on social media started by Ms. Jameela Jamil called @i_weigh which is a statement to say we are more than just the number on the scale, our outwards appearance, beliefs, race, sexual orientation etc. I started following her and the movement on Instagram and started liking other people’s posts of their selfies with adjectives and short phrases of who they really are like sister, trauma survivor, home chef, good listener….you get the point. I felt so inspired that I posted my own no make-up selfie with my own words. The response I received was so overwhelmingly positive, it really blew me away! I made fast friends with a soulful woman who lived in Australia and we immediately bonded over how many things we had in common including Complex PTSD, going tlbeing divorced, being empaths, political leaning views, music and writing. She asked me if I had a blog since so many of my messages to her read as lyrics to her. I told her that I enjoyed writing poems but I didn’t share any of it publicly nor did I have any clue how to! She really helped me birth not only this blog but the formatting of my poems. She gave me the confidence I needed to start really producing my writing in a whole new way. I found an app called Mirakee, I highly recommend it to my fellow Android users (it’s not currently in the iTunes store) for creating poetry. In October of 2018 I launched “Emotional Musings” here on WordPress. Here is the picture that launched it all.
Question 2: Why did you start blogging?
I have a motto that I live by and that is “Triumphing over Trauma”. For the past ten years, I have been on a journey, to heal my soul and uncover who I really am. I like to say I have lived a few different lives in my 42 years on this planet. Most of them were under an umbrella of depression, anxiety, intense fear and trauma. The deepest wound is the childhood sexual abuse I finally spoke out loud just one year ago. I have always felt different and not knowing what an empath was, believing I was crazy because I could feel other people’s feelings and know their thoughts without being told scared me and also separated me from my family and friends until I was 35 years old. Once I discovered there are other people who communicate with spirits, are highly intuitive and possess other metaphysical gifts, it changed my life! In the last year I have experienced two big shifts in the form of spiritual awakenings that have not only brought me closer to God but have allowed me to accept myself, embrace selflove, trust and believe in myself. Yes my dear readers, those were qualities I never had before.
When I first really started to heal from my life’s struggles ten years ago, I went the route of our mental health system. After I attempted to take my own life 9 years ago and proceeded to go in and out of a psychiatric hospital for an entire year (I showed up there once a month) I fell down a rabbit hole of misdiagnoses and a slew of psychotropic medications. I was on them prior to my suicide attempt and in total for fifteen years. I attended every support group available, outpatient program including CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy), EMDR (eye movement desensitization reprocessing) and intensive psychotherapy up to three times a week. I have been in some sort of therapy since I was seven years old. I have experienced both catatonic depression and dissociative episodes since I was very young.
I wear all of these experiences as a badge of honor, not the shame that used to paralyze me. I mainly write this blog to share with others that they too can heal. We aren’t as alone as our ego centered thinking would have us believe at times. Ten years ago when I asked my ex-husband for a divorce, I was a broken and a lost soul. I didn’t want to be a wife and stay at home mother anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted or who I was anymore. I had been trying to fit into the box others wanted of me. I was living two separate lives really, who I was on the inside and who I presented to the outside world. I voluntarily wore the heaviest mask which was invisible to me and I had no clue I was wearing every day. I did what I had to do to survive while separating myself from my own intensely damaged feelings. I felt incredibly alone in this world yet if you asked one person close to me at the time, they would tell you I was a happy woman! That’s how good I was at performing in the starring role of Maria Teresa Pratico. I was an academy award winning actress in my own movie taking “fake it till you make it” to new heights! I loathe that phrase by the way because these days I don’t fake anything. If it doesn’t feel good, I don’t do it. Period. I follow my heart and intuition at all times. After living so long separated from my own soul, I refuse to go back in a closet of darkness.
That’s not to say I don’t sit in my shadow at times and still work to integrate the sides of myself that are sticky and uncomfortable because I definitely do. To know light, we must accept the dark too. I write this blog so that others don’t have to ever feel as alone or crazy as I once did. We humans are made for self healing and unfortunately our society programs us into accepting a belief system that in part teaches us to ignore our emotions. I know better. When you can feel, you can heal and fully embrace who you are in the moment. That’s the key, living in the present by fully feeling instead of dissociating, ignoring or covering up what you feel. It’s the path to true freedom and I hope this blog stands as a beacon for that light to shine while allowing others to do the same. I muse over emotions and like my tagline states, “Getting in touch with your emotional truth, process pain and improving the human condition in the 21st century. Living out loud by my motto “Triumphing over Trauma”.
Question 3: How often do you blog?
When I first started this blog I was unemployed and therefore had loads of time on my hands. Since the last major trauma I endured, getting strangled by a disabled client I had while being a direct support staff for a non profit organization, I hadn’t held employment for five years from 2013-2018. In the fall of 2018, shortly after I started this blog I was hired by Starbucks to be a barista and then was quickly promoted to a shift supervisor. In many ways, this blog helped me get my life back in order. I was posting once a week for about one year. Last June, I went on an emotional leave from that position so I could fully concentrate on healing from the childhood sexual trauma because at that time I once again found myself not being able to function. I was leveled at my knees and ultimately I discovered that that trauma was the root of all my pain. My life began to go through a big metamorphosis and I was hired for a new position, managing a dear friend of mine’s boutique inside a luxury hotel in downtown Dallas. That job was and will always be a dream position because it helped me marry all aspects of who I am so perfectly. I started posting every 4 days and that’s the schedule I do my best to adhere to. If you’re a regular reader of my blog here, you know I usually post a poem of mine at the end of each post. My posts here are usually in conjunction with the creation of my poems. Both serve as an artist expression from my heart and of my soul.
Question 4: What are your thoughts about interacting with fellow bloggers?
That’s a big part and a true highlight of operating this blog! At first I was kind of shy and to myself here, as I am in life believe it or not! It takes me a minute to warm up and want to engage with others, I need to feel into it. This past fall I started branching out and reading more from my fellow bloggers and commenting on their posts. I quickly met some great ladies and gentleman that I truly admire for their own writing skills and how they touch my heart. We are fruitfully blessed my dears by our little community here and I must say especially now during this pandemic lockdown, reading and interacting with you all is a highlight of my day. I have met people from all over the world and it is such an honor for me to be able to do that. Each and everyone I follow and read serves to shine a light and bring joy into my life. I want to thank you all for your dedication to writing and your friendship. I’m a hugger and here is a virtual hug from me!
Question 5: Have your blogging expectation(s) been met?
I must admit, I had no idea what to expect coming into this and my one goal has always been to share my heart. I believe if I remain true to that this serves it’s purpose. Some of my friends and family have asked me if I make money from this blog and although I have considered changing my plan as of right now I don’t. My goal is quite simple. To share and connect with others. To put my artistic mark on this world as part of my digital footprint. I enjoy expressing myself in my writing here and I hope to spread some hope, inspiration and joy into the lives of whomever reads it!
Well, that’s it my dear readers! My nominees, if they should choose to participate are the following:
Even though the beach is closed, my son and I ventured down here so we could soak up some sun and salt air. Our Universe is in a major retrograde season, six ruling planets are in different positions and boy oh boy have I been feeling the affects! Yesterday in particular was a ride on the ol emotional roller coaster. One I haven’t taken in quite some time.
As with everything, I find myself looking below the surface for the life lesson in every situation. My life has taken another step forward recently, big changes have taken place that are bound to happen when we move to a new environment. Not all of it is awesome and I would be lying if I said there haven’t been some struggles adjusting to things. Mostly I miss my partner and the comfort our companionship provides me. He is my person, my touchstone and the love of my life so living here without him is a huge adjustment. There are times, especially when I am still in meditation that I just burst out in tears.
Yesterday I experienced every feeling under the rainbow and had to force myself to take care of myself by practicing my rituals and selfcare routines of reading, journaling and meditation. My anger hasn’t bubbled up like that in quite sometime. My son and I went for a seven and a half mile trek to the park where they board horses. He rode his bike and I ran. They recently reopened the city parks yet there was nobody there. Unfortunately, the horses weren’t out in the meadows as I had hoped. Being out in nature and observing these beautiful creatures brings me such joy and peace.
I want to let you know my dear readers that we are extremely cautious and safe, wearing masks and social distancing when appropriate. Mostly we haven’t come across any other people while we are out and about. Right now while there is caution tape everywhere here at the beach, there are under ten people spread out either walking along the sidewalk or sitting on benches, like us across the street from the beach. Ty and I both love being outdoors and since the beach is my happy place, I came here to enjoy the energy of being near the ocean.
On a day like this I would normally running into the waves and floating in that gorgeous blue-green water. That is one of my favorite soothing activities and right now my senses could really use a good soak🌊
In the meantime, I’m taking deep breaths and doing what I can to keep calm while the ups and downs of the astral energy have me wanting to pull my hair out at times😜 God is guiding me to focus, breathe, surrender, release and let go of that which I want to instinctively hold onto. Like anything beautiful, we mustn’t hold on too tightly for then its beauty can’t be enjoyed to the fullest. Choosing what to engage my energy and attention in becomes more confusing right now. The best I can do is try to remain as non-judgmental as I can, accept whatever feelings and emotions arise so that I can go with the flow.
I’m highly aware of my own energy these days and I don’t want to do anything to become blocked or stagnant therefore I must allow for space to keep everything copacetic. Practicing yoga, freestyle ballet routines and running are my go to activities. Listening to my favorite music helps me connect to my joy. Keeping little Maria engaged in playful activities like riding my new bike reminds me that being playful helps fuel not only my curiosity for life but my creativity. Spending time with my son is amazingly healing too😁
I had a hard time sleeping last night and I found myself wide awake at 3:30 AM so I wrote this poem highlighting what ghosts retrograde season resurrects for me. Writing always helps me process the most difficult and challenging emotions I feel.
Take good care of yourselves my dear readers, peace, good health, light and lots of love 🥰
I have hit a wall my dear readers with the up and down feelings, uncertainty and Complex PTSD triggers. This post is about my attempts to find just a small amount of peace amid the swirling crisis. I live in Dallas, TX and we just had our shelter in place orders increased until May 30th. I am grateful for my own health and don’t want to come across in any way that doesn’t display that. Now more than ever I am so thankful for my good health🙏
On Saturday night 9:45 PM my time, I took part in the Global Peace Meditation around the world along with over 100,000 other people. The immediate feeling of warmth, comfort and peace filled my soul with so much love. I felt as if I was floating on a cloud, almost out of body. Total peace. Being an intuitive empath at this time is really tricky. Just when I think I am coming back into my own BAM, universal energy strikes me back down. I have really had to limit what I’m seeing and hearing in order just to function lately. I think the rainy weather here isn’t helping. I’m a sun worshiper and I am missing South Florida so much right now😎
I did schedule a video chat, which is a very bright spot in my days as of late. My other emphatic friend Emily, whom I know from Instagram and I spoke for 2 hours yesterday. It made me so happy to interact with another lightworker🌠 and we planned on catching up with each other again towards the end of the week🥰
I also scheduled an energy clearing today with my dear soul sister, Reiki master and shamanic healer Lindsey Luna aka @soul.healing.with.luna on Instagram. I feel better already just knowing her healing relief is on the way to my mind, body and spirit🙌
I did get a bit of a creative burst in the late afternoon and I used it to work on this painting which I accompanied with this poem. In these uncertain times my dear readers, we need so much more love, kindness and understanding of our fellow human. We are all interconnected, we are all in this together as God’s creations. What happens to one of us, affects ALL of us. Please, from the bottom of my heart….take care of each other. Sending so much love, light, enough shadow to get us by, health, safety and most of all peace ❤🌠🦋🌎✌
My dear readers, have you ever woke up to a certain song stuck in your head? I did this morning and the way my mind works I’m always so curious as to where it came from. I grew up with my mother playing a lot of John Denver and American folk music in our house. The song that popped in and kept replaying was “Annie’s song”. That’s still one of my Mother’s favorites and I must admit mine too. Whenever I hear it I want to run through a brighly colored meadow or hike up a mountain. The whimsical visions that are sparked in my mind are so clearly an ode to love and nature. Lately, it’s a love affair with myself and my new found self love Imthat I’m so interested in exploring. I envision myself holding hands with my younger self running through that meadow and the look on the face of that little girl inside me.
Life has a way within its ebbs and flow to present me with what I need to consider more of and work on when it cones to either delving deeper into shadow work or exploring more and caring for my inner child. Lately, it’s the latter I have been being reminded of. I’m not sure if I have published my real name yet on this blog but it’s Maria. My full given birth name is Maria Teresa Pratico. Little Maria has been begging for my attention lately and wants to be nurtured. My legal last name is Swanson and I chose to not change that when I went through my divorce because I wanted my boys to see us as still being a family. Now i choose to use my maiden name because it resonates more within me. The Swanson in me was a robotic force and Pratico is more of my true identity.
After the realization I had in June of the abuse that I suffered it’s like a whole new part of me has been awakened and is demanding my attention. I must tell you my dear readers, my own years of therapy, the countless books and articles I have read on processing emotions has taught me that when our feelings are not properly realized and our emotional moods go unexpressed, over time it creates a real issue that just continues to hold us more and more captive. This is especially true when it comes to trauma, the more we stuff and repress the harder and heavier our bodies get holding onto that energy. That’s what having sessions of EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy has helped me to release. However, there are other ways my inner child wants to be recognized and reparented in order to fully integrate her into my body. In his book, “The body keeps the score,” Bessel van der Kolk writes about unresolved trauma from a neuroscience perspective and explains why traumatized people experience incomprehensible anxiety, inexplicable numbing and intolerable rage, and how trauma impacts concentration, memory, and the ability to form trusting relationships. These are symptoms that our bodies display because it’s been holding onto that energy, trapped in our body.
For so much of my life, I operated in an auto-pilot unconscious state of being. Now it feels like I was almost two separate people. The me before and the me now. I wasn’t awake, I lacked self love, self confidence, I doubted myself in almost every situation and really I can admit I wasn’t really living! I held myself back so much by choosing to focus more on other people’s feelings and emotions, their problems in hopes that if I could fix them I would be loved. Now I know that the only person who can give me the full attention, fulfillment and happiness I crave is me. It’s not an external process and doesn’t come from material things. I feel like I’m really living and in doing so I am living out loud, unapologetically and on purpose. Speaking my mind and my truth in my loudest voice whether or not it makes some people uncomfortable and disagree with me…all of it! If you don’t like it, look away and step out of my way because nobody will become my next excuse for not taking care of myself or stopping me now. At 42 years old, I have stifled myself for far too long and it’s my time to shine!
With it being a new year and a brand new decade, I made a promise with myself to do the things that made me uncomfortable. Right now this includes getting more and more comfortable with uncomforbility. I started recording video confessionals on my social media that I call, Maria’s Musings. I’ve never been a fan of myself in pictures and video because I’m so critical of my looks and my voice. No more!! I even record myself without makeup, dressed in my pajamas or workout clothes. It’s me being me and loving myself every step of the way. You can find me on Instagram @emotionalmusings. I checked off a goal on my vision board too by doing my first poetry slam over the weekend. I performed my poem, “Glimpses” which is a tribute to my dear Nana who is now one of my spirit guides who appears to me as a butterfly🦋
The new me has confused some people in my world and one person in particular is my partner. He gets upset with my new and total focus on myself at times because he is so used to me putting others, like him first. This has created a lot of friction between us. In the last five months we have argued more than the last six and a half years of our entire relationship together! I have disclosed in previous posts that he is also someone living with severe mental illness stemming from traumatic brain injuries and the many concussions he sustained while playing professional football.
Another harsh reality he faces are the facts that have been well publicized about the connection between traumatic brain injuries and CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy)which is a neurodegenerative disease caused by repeated head injuries. The symptoms may include behavioral problems, mood problems, and problems with thinking. These symptoms typically do not begin until years after the injuries. CTE often gets worse over time and can result in dementia.
It’s creates quite a challenge for him as he has watched many players die or commit suicide by shooting themselves in the heart so that their brains can be studied. Recently, he lost another player to suicide and when he told me, the look in his eyes rattled me to my core in a very deep way. Our connection and bond is so strong and to think of losing him in anyway but especially in that way terrifies me! Then I start examining everything he is doing and saying in a more critical way. The empath in me has had to learn how to actively block him so I don’t get caught up in his energy and thoughts.
Lately, it’s all been too much for me and my own regularly shifting fast moving energy collided and had in a way a head on collision with his energy and BAM! Making life decisions based in fear is never a good idea and results in undesirable outcomes. It’s my nature to love and accept others. That must include both myself currently and his reality too. All of that became entirely too much to handle last week. We had a bad blowout that resulted in both of us saying things we didn’t mean and I ended our relationship.
I also allowed this overly active fear and emotional state to spill over into my job as a manager for a dear friend of mine’s boutique. Without going into details, I did something that I shouldn’t have that could of put the business in jeopardy. My emotional state had me not thinking straight when I made this mistake. Then I went further into crash and burn mode by telling her I was quitting and gave my two weeks notice abruptly and without any warning which hurt my girlfriend’s feelings badly. I know now what I did could’ve had irreparable damage to their livelihood and our great friendship. Taking stock of the situation took some serious sole searching on my part. The will to listen and quiet my own fears so that I wasn’t acting so selfishly and considered all sides of the situation. I’m praying for a positive outcome to my apology.
Living in fear is like being backed into a corner, triggering me to feel scared, helplessness and confused just as I did during the abuse I suffered. As I continue to heal, these parts of me are lying dangerously close to the surface and my own current reality. They at times become twisted up and entangled in a way that clouds my decision making and has me wanting to escape. This is by no means an excuse, it’s my reality and I’m addressing it head on.
I want to share with you dear readers the importance of addressing what you need to in life because we only get one shot at living. Life is precious and short. I’m someone who wanted to pull the plug by cutting my own short because living was so painful and I felt the only way out was death. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Learning to love myself and having the ability to love another person, despite terrifying circumstances shows strength, resilience and most of all courage. Summoning that courage took the abity for me to use pain as a motivator not as a roadblock. I admit, I don’t always make clearheaded decisions concerning my life. I have the tendency to want to blow up my life and throw the towel in and say FUCK IT ALL!
Not giving into these urges is hard for me because my natural tendency has been conditioned to not focus on my own uncomfortable or challenging feelings of fear, anger and sadness. I stuff, numb and dissociate from them just like I did in childhood during the abuse. It was easier to put my mind in another place and numb out. It’s our bodies defense, protecting our brains from the highest levels of anxiety and circuit overload. I now know this coping mechanism no longer serves me and I must change that maladaptive pattern before it continues to wreck havoc in my world today. Following inner compass suits my life and decision making much better!
Choosing to love and remain in love is hard during these fearful moments but if I want to live, I must love. I have also been programmed to find pleasure in pain. I have been noticing that when typing a lot I tend to type live instead of love. That’s what sparked me to start investigating this vital connection between loving and living. In order for me to consistently maintain my happiness, I must choose to love in order to keep living. The abuse is over. The little girl who experienced that rauma is grown. I have learned a better way to live. I can make better choices. When I fall down and make the same mistakes my from past, I can now recognize them and correct them by taking responsibility for my words and actions by choosing to not blow up my life. If it’s one thing I have learned it’s that the grass is never greener.
I choose to accept my partner’s prognosis and conditions because when taking stock of the pros and cons of our relationship, the pros undoubtedly outweigh the cons. More on that in upcoming posts my dear readers. Once I can snap myself back into my body, I can easily recognize this. When I was high in emotion mind, I wrote this poem. Thankfully for me writing is such a great outlet. One I need to rely upon more so I don’t actively allow fear into the driver’s seat unnecessarily.
Oh love, what a complicated and fickle pursuit it can be! My dear readers I have come into such an abundance of love’s pure energy flow lately and so far my new year is as bright and shiny as my spirit is. Last Monday I expierenced my third vision, out in nature, which I just love. Awe inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful! Looking up at the sky now holds more meaning for me than ever before. As I continue to heal and push through obstacles, one solution remains constant and true and that is love. When we allow love to flow freely throughout our entire being it frees us from our problems and allows us to be closer to Source and Divine power.
In keeping with my daily rituals while always setting the intention to allow a steady stream of unconditional love to flow through I am reminded to surrender. Love presents a polarity between weakness and strength. When we are in love we are vulnerable because we are putting our heart out there and there’s always a possibility we might be hurt or let down. Yet when we do this, we are showing strength in our belief that we deserve and want love. Accessing superior energy, which is God (or whatever higher power you believe in) we are able to look inward and feel that essence inside of us. It’s there in abundance dear readers. I know this to be true because I kept myself closed off from it for years. My intuition was quiet almost inaudible, barely being listened to. Now, ten years into this spiritual and self healing journey, it is loud and clear.
The first step was learning to love myself and to do that I had to figure a few things out. Understanding where I had been, why I was here and what was my soul’s purpose became goals that had me reading anything in the spiritual realm I could get my hands on. Seeking out therapists, taking medications for a time (15 years to be exact) to heal from the severe traumas I had experienced, attending outpatient therapies like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). Getting my mind right as the kids say, was a painstaking process that has instilled patience with myself into my core. None of this happens overnight 🤯
Along this journey I learned some powerful tools that I incorporate into my daily self care practices. Meditation is hugely vital to my well being and allows me quiet reflection and observation space to my rapidly shifting thoughts. Listening to binaural sounds at varying frequencies allows me to hear my spirit guides better and receive messages from them. We all have these angels all around us and last week Universe gifted me an angel orchestra of them during my vision. I have been asking for a sign to show me they were here and as I gazed up into the big blue sky while the moon was showing herself, all of a sudden I saw hundreds of twinkling white lights! Immediately I knew that they were my guides saying hello. I was filled with an indescribable sense of comfort and warmth while tears streamed down my face, it was one of the most beautiful sights to behold.
After that, my week continued to unfold in both positive and painful ways. I have come to a point in my life where I can see the beauty and purpose within pain. It’s my body’s signal and way of teaching me what I need to heal from, let go, accept and turn into strength. It’s like magic when you think about it that way. I’m no masochist, I no longer engage in self denial and I don’t seek out pain on purpose. I do however believe pain is one of our greatest teachers. Over my 42 years, I have experienced an incredible amount of pain and heartache that I know now served its purpose in instilling a deep love and kindness for my fellow humans and all living things for that matter.
I was drawn to do some inner child healing too last week which used to scare me because it was painful to look at. Now that I feel more in tune with my own emotions, loving myself in this way allows me to reparent the little me inside. Planning for and scheduling activities that bring out my childhood essence is really important for my continued growth, self integration and evolvement. These include talking to myself, dancing, going out in nature, painting, listening to music and singing along. Playing around with sounds like chanting, even swinging on a swing! That was my favorite activity as a child, I always felt like I was flying so high and free.
Remembering this part of me allows me to be my own hero and rescue myself which is hugely empowering. I write letters to my younger self at different ages reminding her she is no longer alone and is seen, heard and loved. It’s again, a kind of magic when those old stories that ran through my head telling me I’m not good enough or I am too much, too sensitive get triggered to start playing and now this new more calming and comforting voice is heard in their absence. Reparenting myself is a huge gift to not only me but those who love me and are in my life can see a big shift in my outlook and self confidence. Isn’t it amazing how music can fill the shallow parts of our souls allowing us this wonderful connection with who we are?
As an empath, I have lived most of my life distracted and focused upon other’s feelings and thoughts while neglecting my own. Honestly, my own were scary to me and overwhelming so I neglected them in favor of trying to save or rescue another. I can also admit that even during my current relationship with my fiance, there have been many many times that I looked to him to save me. Finally, I understand that only I can save me. I am responsible for my own happiness and the inner joy I feel is fueled by such self love and gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned. I have no regrets and I wouldn’t change a minute of my life thus far.
My main goal for this year has been to put myself out there more by releasing my inhibitions once and for all. I have forced myself to do more video confessionals that I post on my social media @emotionalmusings on both Instagram and Facebook. I hoped to attend my first poetry slam where I would perform one of my most personal poems, “Glimpses”this past Friday. My words are like my children and it both terrifies and excites me to share them on a stage. Unfortunately the weather here in Dallas kept me from attending but it turns out Universe is granting me another opportunity to do it this Friday because I have the night off from work!! YAY😊
I also reached out to a dear fellow empath friend @emilyrainbowglo on Instagram to ask her if she would want to do a collaboration with me, a live chat for our fellow empaths to feel empowered by and learn from. I was thrilled with the outcome of our conversation yesterday, it was seamless! It’s still available for a few more hours if you dear readers would like to hear what we had to talk about. It’s based around love and surrendering to it, allowing in self love and care so that we can protect our precious spirit and gifts while being open to receiving messages from the Universe. I have also asked another healer and dear friend of mine if I could join her on her new podcast. I will keep you dear readers in the loop of when that happens but for now you can follow her on Instagram @comealivewithchrissymarie and her podcast on Spotify is called, “The Art of Aliveness”. I will post the link below so you can check her out too.
I have made up my mind that this year, 2020 is the year I stop holding myself back. I have done just that for one reason or another for the last 40 years and finally, FINALLY I feel strong enough to put my hand ✋ up to anything or anybody that tries to have me go back into a box or wants to label me, stifle my spirit….no thank you!! I am determined to let my free spirit soar as high as I can fly! I also did a confessional for a company I represent by sharing my story. I have it published here as a post under, “My journey with BodHD,” but I will also drop the link below so it can be accessed here too.
I wrote this poem last night that really expresses my love and gratitude to the elements, the Universe that has held me in its loving arms, nurturing my spirit even when I was neglecting it and continued to show to love and acceptance. That little voice has always been there giving me the strength to never give up. Whatever pushes you along my dear readers, keep doing it. Don’t let anything stop you, ever. Shine and allow the world your gifts. Never give up. I am a forever friend to all and I appreciate your support, follows and likes. You can always reach out to me, I love to listen. You too can “Triumph over Trauma “😊💪💜
When in doubt follow your heart. That mantra has been my focal point all of my life. As the empathetic, passionate and free spirited woman I am following my heart’s desire has always felt right to me. In the years since I have been healing myself from trauma however, there were many times where I would tell my partner that I felt a disconnection between my heart and my mind. I can recall a specific time four years ago when that realization made me so sad and confused. Unraveling trauma, pain stuck in my body has taken time and required me to simply be patient with myself.
I have loads of patience for others yet I tend to be more harshly impatient with my own progress in this area. The integration between my heart and soul while processing my own emotions surrounding trauma has taught me that I can’t force anything to happen. Creating a false sense of security by telling myself that it’s not that upsetting or lying to myself that “I’m ok” only furthered the process. The sentiment of “time takes time” just came to mind. I’m thankful I surrendered to the process and showed myself grace. It’s yielded tremendous growth for my spirituality and awakening journey!
Another opportunity presented itself recently in regards to allowing my heart to remain open, just feeling the feelings, without intellectualizing them and over explaining them. I was made aware of the fact that I tend to do this. It’s an old coping skill I developed in order for me to feel safe in my body, feeling everything and everybody all at once. As an empath, for so long before I realized it was detrimental to my own well being, I have tended more to others feelings while stuffing or numbing my own away. My fast moving energy creates BIG intense feeling sensations in my body and I was fearful of them.
After reflecting on why I have done this throughout my life, understanding that it’s no longer necessary and shifting into open heartedness requires me to evoke that same level of patience with myself. I have noticed that when I start to digress into old behaviors and patterns my posture changes. I cross my arms and hug my body, slouching my shoulders, I don’t stand with my head held as high. Being aware of how this overwhelming and uncomfortable feeling actually feels in my body allows me an opportunity to grow. In the past, I would allow this low vibrational fear to consume me. Now, operating from a place of love which is a higher vibration, I feel more empowered to overcome that fear. Sitting with it, tending to my own emotional response has proven to be so powerful!
I recently learned how to quickly reconnect with my heart and my soul’s power by clearing my central channel. I rub my hands together creating energy and hold then in front of my pelvic/hip region. Then I raise them up over my body slowly while visualizing releasing any stagnant energy that may be blocking me from my power. Once I get to my heart I stop and shake my hands off as though they were wet. I practiced this the other day while staring at myself in the mirror. The intense feelings I got, the rush of self love made me feel happy and warm all over.
I’m using my power and gifts of sense mastery to heal myself! It’s incredibly empowering my dear readers. This is new ground for me. Becoming the master of my emotions and the creator of my reality is a shift I had no idea would change how I see everything in my world. Forever, my feelings and other’s have run my life in a negative and harmful way. I didn’t know how to sort it all out and I have gone through forgiving myself for not knowing how best to care for myself.
I believe that the way I was treating myself, misunderstanding how best to care for my spirit left me with a deep sadness that I have carried for a long, long time. When someone would ask me, “what’s wrong” it was often difficult to articulate exactly why but now I know it was this heaviness dragging my down creating sadness and eventually pain. Like a broken heart. I was unaware of how it was affecting my life. Now that I’m on the other side of it I know I have found the key to eternal happiness.
Happiness isn’t something you can get from external sources my dear readers. It must be cultivated from within. God has created us with everything we need for balance and peace within our own amazing bodies! I used to feel my heart was failing me because I felt too much and that my brain was attacking me because my thoughts ran so quickly through my mind. It was a terrible, victim like perception I was inflicting upon myself. I now see that I had the power all along to change and feel better. By taking care of my emotional and spiritual needs on a daily basis I have established a strong bond within myself. I make the promise with myself every day to never go back to my old ways. I release the worry and fear surrounding the entire thought I even would.
This new year 2020 feels like it’s going to be my brightest year yet🌠🌈🎇🙏❤
I have always liked the idea of wherever you go, you take yourself with you. In other words, you can change your physical location, surroundings or environment and that is all that actually is different because you are still you. The idea surrounding the possibility of instant growth simply because your physical surroundings are different is idealistic. We take ourselves, good, bad or indifferent wherever we go because we are creatures of habit. We don’t naturally like change. Change is scary and it upsets our egos. Ego mindset is there to keep us safe and small. Observing and deciphering the story our egos tell us is the first step in creating the real shift that is necessary for actual change.
Happiness is an inside job my dear readers. You can fly around the world, search the deepest forests, oceans and scour the beach for the meaning of life or buy things in attempt to find happiness and still come up short because no matter what you do or where you go, we must still answer to ourselves. Searching the external world for what makes one happy is never the answer for only we can create joy and peace within our own reality. The ability to think is what makes us uniquely human. The ability to understand we are not our thoughts is what allows us to become creators of our own reality. How empowering is that? Very😊
While I was thinking about writing this post, I read an article about the comparison of attitudes that either empower growth or can hold one back. The following are five attitudes that create confidence in contrast to overconfidence in life.
There is a difference between feeling truly capable of handling something versus thinking that YOU are the only one capable of accomplishing something. Now, I will state that I know and believe that the only thing I think I am the best suitable person for is taking care of myself. That being said, in every other situation, it isn’t very productive to think and definitely act like you are the only one who can do XYZ. When one thinks that way, it’s a set up for failure.
Overconfident people will continually talk without hearing others, I mean really listening to them. Confident and successful people understand that it’s best to always be learning while keeping an open mind to hearing something new. There must be a balance between talking and listening. I tell my boys to always remain open to new ideas and concepts because when one stops learning, growing ceases and spirit starts to die. This is a mindset that is easy to spot in others, usually depressed people who think they have nothing to offer the world. When those thoughts arise, recognizing that that is an ego based story devised to keep us small and free from changing. That thought can impede growth and squash all possibilities if one acts upon it.
The right kind of attitude is necessary for success in everything one sets out to accomplish. When I have an unrealistic belief that I’m too perfect to make any mistakes, I am attempting to act like a God. We are human and only God is perfect. Therefore it’s best to keep yourself in check by putting your best effort into achieving your goals. Thriving for your best, effortly speaking, is a better way of knowing that the only control you have is putting your best foot forward. We humans are fallible and will make mistakes along the way indefinitely.
That idea brings me to my next point which is being able to learn from your mistakes so that you don’t have to repeatedly keep making the same ones over and over again! We can either learn from our many mistakes along the way or we can choose to let our mistakes hold us back from actually acquiring the lesson and instilling it within our souls so the next time we remember that feeling and take steps to avoid that kind of self induced pain again.
Lastly, people who are confident work to gain respect from those around them by showing loyalty and kindness towards others while maintaining a down to Earth attitude. Overconfident people demand to be the main attraction and the center of attention. The latter type of person I try to avoid at all costs because they are extremely draining on my energy reserves. They lack self acceptance and are constantly seeking it from external sources.
Honestly, I have recently noticed that throughout my life as an empath, I have drawn in many narcissists and sociopaths. Those looking to drain my life force energy because they are so unsettled within their own beings and have no regard for human emotions. Since my spiritual growth has taken hold and my vibration has been raised, I only attract other like minded people to me. Mostly other extra sensory people, empaths, lightworkers and metaphysically interested people. It’s very awesome and a gift from Universe💜
Through daily meditation, over the years, I have learned to observe my own at times monkey mind. I can’t control what I think because I know our minds love to link information together and at times, tell us lies that keep me safe ….ego stories again. All that is within my power is the ability to put space between my thoughts and my actions. Meditation helps me grow that much needed space by passively observing. That’s when I can decipher what my thoughts are trying to tell me. I’m able to then break down my thoughts into the category of either rational or irrational.
I first learned these techniques while attending cognitive behavioral and dialetical behavioral therapyies. These two courses saved my life in many ways because I was allowing my overactive thinking to control my life instead of me being the master. I found myself in a downward spiral trying to escape my life in unhealthy ways and ultimately in permanence when I attempted suicide eight years ago.
I’ve entered a point in my life today where I feel an intense gratitude for everything! The people I have met, the lessons I have learned, the mistakes I have made, the opportunities I have been granted, the many experiences I can add to my tool belt by living life with am open mind along with my free flowing spirit. I love where I am. I am so grateful for where I find myself today and yes, I have brought myself here.
We have officially entered this last month of 2019 my dear readers. I awoke this morning with lots of words swirling around my head which for this creative soul means a poem is about to come through. I have always relied upon writing to express my feelings and emotions. In this past year I have relied heavily upon creating poems to articulate my own life’s observations and experiences. Today one word kept popping up over and over again, bones.
In the past six months, as you my dear readers know, I have had an accelerated growth period within the spiritual awakening I now find myself in. This process has allowed me to shed so many old coping habits, mindsets and behaviors that no longer serve my highest self. That’s what I’m very focused on in life, what works and what doesn’t.
I’m an empath that has incredibly fast moving energy. I absorb it like a sponge through my pores. I liken my thoughts to a spinning rolodex. When a poem is forming in my mind, I see the words written across a kind of white board as a vision. They come together quickly and don’t take much effort on my part at all. The phrase that kept repeating in my mind this morning was, make no bones about it. As usual, I googled it for the exact definition:
ToMake No BonesAbout Something.Meaning: To say clearly what you think or feel about something, however unpleasant or awkward it. Tomake no bonesabout somethingmeansto say something in a way that leavesnodoubt, or to havenoobjection to it.
This makes perfect sense to me. First of all, I am honest to a fault. Being both an empath and a Sagittarius, at times my words spill out bluntly with little or no tact to my delivery. I speak my mind and my truth as i always have. I know this is one of the traits my fiance adores the most in me. He knows when he asks me my opinion on something, he always gets the truth! I can further relate to this phrase very much while I make this shift, shedding outdated ways to deal with life like a repitle sheds it’s old skin to make way for a new one. Snakes and lizards do this to allow for growth and to remove parasites that have attached themselves to their old skin. Again, this too I can relate to. I’m always growing and evolving, getting rid of aspects within my life that have become a drain upon me. A parasite sucks the nutrients it needs to live and feeds off of its host.
Before I started this deep inner work, I can admit to allowing others to feed off of my energy. Family, friends even co-workers would become very draining for me to handle and that was detrimental to my own well being. I have always had a very high tolerance and patience for drama therefore in my past I made decisions within my relationships that were in hindsight not the best for my life long term. That was then, this is now.
Like that animal who sheds its skin in order to allow for growth and a cleansing of the blood sucking, leech like organisms, I too am ridding myself of the pests in my life by letting go. Getting down to my bare bones. Building a newer and more solid foundation for my authentic self to blossom within. My spirit deserves to breathe free and fly to where the winds of change my take me. An emotional and mental cleansing that is happening at a rapid pace to keep up with my intentions and manifestations.
Recently I had a video chat with a fellow female empath that was so inspiring and validating to my soul! She was so open and kind by complimenting me on my inner strength and realized powerful spirit. It made me blush at first honestly because I’m new to fully accepting compliments. She told me to shine like the queen’s essence I embody. After we said our goodbyes, her words were still in my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror and I told myself, “Maria, this is your time to shine and if others can’t handle it or find fault in your new found confidence, tell them to put on sunglasses!”
I’m at the stage in my life where I can see the big picture clearly. Speaking of glasses, I feel like I just got a new pair! All the questions and curiosity’s about life that I have had up to this point are all being answered revealing my path’s purpose. I am here to listen, share, heal and inspire others who feel lost, marginalized or forgotten. I know that feeling all too well and I won’t allow anybody I come across to feel that kind of severe hopelessness and worthlessness. I have walked in those ratty, torn up shoes of despair too and I will do whatever I can to lend a hand or a smile to those in need. A disrupter in life that fights against hate and evil to shine a light of empathy and compassion for those that need it. It’s in my bones. It’s my calling and I am answering it wholeheartedly and determined to make a difference.