Grief and loss, Healing, relationships, Spirituality

#testimonytuesday, Death and Rebirth

Over this past weekend, with the arrival of Spring 2021 I experienced a major shift that has ushered in a new path on my soul’s journey. The process of allowing death to a part of myself that no longer serves and the the rebirth of a more integrated and whole self. Death to Ladysag77, the pen name I began writing with when I first started sharing my poetry publicly and being reborn Maria Teresa, poet and healer. This has taken 21 months of gestation, the labor of healing myself through the many paths I shared in my last post https://emotionalmusings.com/2021/03/18/many-paths-lead-to-healing-this-is-what-mine-looks-and-feels-like/ A few key events also triggered this next level of my soul awakening journey. This is my testimonial of healing, death and rebirth.

Friday the 19th, I accidentally locked myself out of the poetry app Mirakee and couldn’t log back in. I had been logged in since 2018 ( I know right? ๐Ÿ˜†) and not being able to get back on right away was quite perplexing for me as a writer being cut off from my body of work with hundreds of my poems that are the many pieces to my soul. At the same time the most difficult decision I have ever had to make was weighing heavily upon me, revealing its truth. This is something that has been sitting on my heart for almost a year now and recent events proved that the best decision I had to make is in choosing myself. I have decided to leave a long term relationship with my partner of almost eight years. This is the worst kind of pain I have ever experienced. Period. I don’t quite have the words yet to fully describe the avalanche of emotions that have been triggered for me. I do know however that this is another layer that is necessary in the healing process. I am detaching with love from my soul mate, my one true love.

“Becoming a Misunderstanding”

More than ever before I feel compelled by my soul to further spread my wings and soar to greater heights as my purpose deepens and reveals the process of awakening and aliveness to me. The fire within me roars strong and bright. At the same time, the wounded inner child within me is begging to be seen and the following videos and poems are how I honor her. Little Maria is now being cared for by Maria Teresa. I have sole ownership over my heart. I have retained its key from my partner who needs to do his own healing. I pray for him to see his way clear to his own soul. Parts of me are dying, I’ve lost my best friend and all I can do is ride the waves of emotion as best as I can. Balancing the ebb and flow as the seas of change bring me closer to where I’m meant to further grow.

Recommitting to myself by continuing to do what scares me. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone fosters change. My path has been so accelerated, at times I want to just quit but I can’t.  I made a promise to my soul to be who I am and express what I’m learning along the way. No more hiding. I am facing the toughest of life challenges with all the tools I’ve learned these past ten years. What I’m experiencing has rocked and shaken me to the very core. I do what I do best, channel them through my creativity. This is a poem about the many faces of transformation that I have been in the last 21 months. I never dreamed becoming me would mean losing you. I pray you find your way. All of my love always. Nothing but love. I know whatever is meant to be, will be.

“The Pain of Letting You Go”

This is the song my Dad sends me when I feel really sad and am desperately missing him. In the midst of heavy change, my heart is open and bleeding right now. Whatever life hands you is yours to use my dear readers. Life is 90% of how you respond to what happens in every experience. Allow the feelings to flow out, use the experience as an opportunity to grow. This is how the roots of transformation are sown. Planting them deeply by using self love as fertile ground. When the pain of staying stuck propels you to do something different. I choose to see the light within the shadows, to rise again and again. Using my love as a superpower that propels me into the next experience. Learning whatever I can to grow within the moments.

“I’ll Stand By You”

Saturday morning I was out for a run, warming up my body and locking into selflove and care. This is a song that always gets me up, movin and groovin. Rebirth for me means that I’m allowing the seeds of newness that were planted in the winter to bloom into life, to be expressed through soul. My soul loves to dance which is my most favorite and true expression. In ancient times, a shaman would ask the members of the tribe that needed care when was the last time they sang or danced. My dear readers, I sing and dance every single day. I’m alive and life is to be celebrated โœจ

“Cake by the Ocean” yes please ๐Ÿ™ ๐ŸŽ‚

My dear friends nicknamed me “the Sun” because my natural energy is fiery, my attitude is upbeat and matches my bubbly personality. The dancing I do is always improvisational, never choreographed. I spent time at the beach yesterday afternoon gathering myself, soaking up the light rays of the mighty Sun and this energy came through telling me to go LIVE on my Instagram. I have deleted the Ladysag77 account and will be operating from EmotionalMusings on all of the social media platforms, please follow me there my friends.
This is me, this is my soul. I came here to shake shit up, love and be free.

Shout out to my man Mr. Michael Franti “Love Invincible” and his other tunes have been healing my soul for years โค Peace, love and so much freaking light my loves.

We are all “Love Invincible”

On my resume in the biography section it says, “I have a special talent for taking lemons and making lemonade”. I have so many blessings to be grateful for right now. Next month I will be embarking upon two awesome adventures. First, I am taking a one year certification course in sound healing to further my knowledge of how music heals the mind, body and spirit. This will add another layer to the shamanic healing sessions I offer my clients. I incorporate the drum, rattles, finger chimes and tuning fork along with my voice to amplify sound energy. At the end of the month I will be surprising my youngest son in Rhode Island for his 16th birthday. I haven’t been back to the state I called home for thirteen years since 2016. This trip is a long time coming and I can’t wait to be reunited with my two sons. My oldest has recently moved into his first apartment and I am so damn proud of him. He is such a kind, generous and gifted young man. I’m also planning to reconnect with my sister friends, some of them for the first time in person because we have only known one another through social media. I will be sure to keep you all posted by writing about these experiences in future posts.

“Fly Away”
“Just love”

In the meantime, life is a combo of positive and negative vibrations that we swim through everyday in what I call an energy soup. It’s up to each one of us to transmute the negatives into positives using love, acceptance and understanding. Dr. Nicole LaPera says,”when we witness and accept all emotions without judgment we allow space for healing. Practice accepting whatever comes up without trying to change it.” I believe that’s how we grow and evolve. I vow to keep doing my part to heal myself and help heal others, one heart at a time.

If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations or to purchase any of my 4 books of poetry please click the link below or click the Services tab in the menu.
For a personalized autographed copy please send me an email and use my PayPal account for payment. Maria@emotionalmusings.com
https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77
paypal.me/tinyd9
In light and in shadow, always with love. Namaste.

Healing, relationships

Surrendering to patience, helping love grow

Cultivating patience has always been a challenge for me. As a highly sensitive individual alive today in a culture of urgency and reaction, being patient takes a mindful approach. Meditation is the best tool I have found, putting me in the passenger seat as an observer to my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Developing a pause button greatly assists me in behaving in a way that aligns more to my authentic spirit and my nature. It’s a delicate dance and at times I fall down while the flood of emotions can get overwhelming and yet what I have learned on my self healing journey are what the lessons within each mistake serve to help me to grow stronger, becoming a better version of myself. Many refer to this as choosing one’s battles.

As an emotional warrior and someone who reads energy it can be emotionally taxing for me to over exert my own energy and interject myself into situations not meant for me. Therein lies the mastery of what I believe about how we are the masters of our own reality and emotional states. My behavior is mine alone and I am the one who must face the consequences of my actions.

I must admit my dear readers to feeling the aspects of my shadow in a much deeper way upon the arrival of my partner. We have spent so much time apart and my fear was that he wouldn’t like the person I am today. In the past few days I have had many outbursts, said things I later regretted saying yet after contemplation, meditation and re-centering can see how triggered my ego had become putting me on the defense. My personality was really on display in ways that I haven’t felt in months. These experiences are uncomfortable and lead me to become overly critical, overly analytical and I find myself trying to carry the weight of the world upon my shoulders in a perfectionist way. Old coping patterns, mindsets and behaviors resurface giving me a opportunity to observe these shadow parts of myself over again with fresh eyes throughthe transformationalprocess I have undergone. This my dear ones is the cycle of healing. My first response was to feel the fear and disapproval of myself stemming from years of emotional pain and traumatic wounding like they were fresh all over again. Ultimately, acceptance of what is becomes the only viable solution for inner peace, balance, harmony and self love.

Integration of shadow

I may not always like everything that I feel all the time yet I understand these are growing pains and are necessary for my partner and I to go through together while we build a stronger, more sound foundation in this new beginning of our relationship. The deep love and acceptance of one another for the different people we are is what comes to the surface healing all. I believe our soul bond and love will carry us through because that is undeniable. He and I have faced many challenges together and I believe that’s what builds a strong relationship. Finding love within the challenges and changes, rediscovering our flow, accepting one another, surrendering to patience and being mindful of how I respond are the keys to mutual joy, peace and love. It’s not always easy yet nothing is when change is unfolding. This meme I came across the other day expresses this idea perfectly.

Word

In the meantime we are being gentle with one another and recognizing that time takes time, a phrase I’ve relied upon often in the past ten years during my self healing journey. I look forward to more walks on the beach, listening to live music, singing together, dancing with one another and lots of laughter. This is the beginning of a beautiful new phase of our relationship. I love you baby, always and forever!

In light and in shadow, always with love. If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations or to purchase any of my 4 books of poetry please click the link below. For a personalized autographed copy please send me an email and use my PayPal account for payment.
https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77
paypal.me/tinyd9

Spirituality

Intentions for love and trust

It’s been two weeks since I sat in my shadow, dove deep while consciously and intentionally releasing some deep wounds I have been carrying for years my dear readers. This week in my apprenticeship for my shamanic healing work, we talked about boundaries both ethically and personally. I realized again just how serious the work of energy healing is and how my approach to my own life has shifted in the past few months.

I reread some of my posts from the start of 2020 when I first set my mind to learning the art of shamanism. It truly does suit my spiritual being and my soul’s purpose. I now understand much more about myself and God’s plan for me. It’s created a very freeing yet grounded place simultaneously. It has had me reconsider however how I interact with others both physically and emotionally.

Actions aka boundary setting

As usual I have been sitting in quiet contemplation and asking Spirit how best to proceed. My main channel has always been my writing, the messages come through clearest when I put pen to paper and allow free flow writing to spill out. At times like this my mind screams at me,”I must know” while my heart, which is always the guiding force whispers, “You already do”. The answer is love. Trust what is being presented and surrender the need to control. Just love Maria, yourself first and others will follow๐Ÿ™

I have spent many years being numb, deaf to my own inner guidance, my soul’s intentions for me. I’ve written before about this concept but it bears repeating now. We are multidimensional spiritual beings having a human experience. At times in this past year my spirit has guided me to places my human side didn’t feel comfortable embodying yet. Then it’s like a game of tag while my human self plays catch up to my spiritual self. Integrating it all to include the voices of my inner child, ego and higher consciousness or highest self has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Just when I’m ready to let go, Universe says “ok, here’s a test” and throws a big life lesson at me to see which direction I choose to go.

This week my partner and I finally booked his plane ticket here. I then bore witness to how he had to proceed with this major life change, getting his personal issues in order. That is a new boundary for me. I have always wanted to protect him, shield him from pain yet I have realized that he has his own journey to live. The issues he has faced, steps he has taken to heal and help himself astound me. Everything truly does unfold in God’s time and only He can mold us in the ways that are best for us, in that Divine timing.

I’m reminded of what my dear friend and Divine Interventionist Joel Adifon told me when we first started working together in April. He advised me on how much patience I would need to employ, the staring role it would have in my next steps and healing journey. Today I know exactly what he was referring to. Not only am I to remain patient with myself but I must yield to meddling in other’s paths for them to be able to execute their own journey’s and God’s will for them.

I said, “Yes God, I trust you and I love you for the gifts you’ve bestowed upon me. I’m grateful for the strength and understanding you’ve provided for me in order to survive my darkest days”. Then God conspired with the Universe and said, let’s see how much she really does love and trust. Cue the past four months in my life. Losing my job and place of living yet gaining a much deeper sense of self and purpose while finally being reunited with my son Ty. God has also provided a way to keep me financially afloat during these months so that I could see all these changes to fruition. My grateful heart is overflowing with thanks and praise. Thank you God๐Ÿ™

As we head into this holiday weekend, full moon AND lunar eclipse…I’m again sitting here in the stillness of my heart ready for the next chapter. I’m thankful for all that I have learned, especially the losses for they have showed how strong I have become. Losing things means it’s time to make room for new things, ones that will serve my alignment going forward. I trust in that. The people in my life who support me and love me no matter what. I love them. Mostly, I bow my head in grace for being present to feel all of these blessings and know that the best is still yet to come๐Ÿ˜‰

Love & trust

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Also visit me on YouTube at Maria Teresa Emotional Musings

Spirituality

Retrograde season

Even though the beach is closed, my son and I ventured down here so we could soak up some sun and salt air. Our Universe is in a major retrograde season, six ruling planets are in different positions and boy oh boy have I been feeling the affects! Yesterday in particular was a ride on the ol emotional roller coaster. One I haven’t taken in quite some time.

As with everything, I find myself looking below the surface for the life lesson in every situation. My life has taken another step forward recently, big changes have taken place that are bound to happen when we move to a new environment. Not all of it is awesome and I would be lying if I said there haven’t been some struggles adjusting to things. Mostly I miss my partner and the comfort our companionship provides me. He is my person, my touchstone and the love of my life so living here without him is a huge adjustment. There are times, especially when I am still in meditation that I just burst out in tears.

Yesterday I experienced every feeling under the rainbow and had to force myself to take care of myself by practicing my rituals and selfcare routines of reading, journaling and meditation. My anger hasn’t bubbled up like that in quite sometime. My son and I went for a seven and a half mile trek to the park where they board horses. He rode his bike and I ran. They recently reopened the city parks yet there was nobody there. Unfortunately, the horses weren’t out in the meadows as I had hoped. Being out in nature and observing these beautiful creatures brings me such joy and peace.

I want to let you know my dear readers that we are extremely cautious and safe, wearing masks and social distancing when appropriate. Mostly we haven’t come across any other people while we are out and about. Right now while there is caution tape everywhere here at the beach, there are under ten people spread out either walking along the sidewalk or sitting on benches, like us across the street from the beach. Ty and I both love being outdoors and since the beach is my happy place, I came here to enjoy the energy of being near the ocean.

On a day like this I would normally running into the waves and floating in that gorgeous blue-green water. That is one of my favorite soothing activities and right now my senses could really use a good soak๐ŸŒŠ

In the meantime, I’m taking deep breaths and doing what I can to keep calm while the ups and downs of the astral energy have me wanting to pull my hair out at times๐Ÿ˜œ God is guiding me to focus, breathe, surrender, release and let go of that which I want to instinctively hold onto. Like anything beautiful, we mustn’t hold on too tightly for then its beauty can’t be enjoyed to the fullest. Choosing what to engage my energy and attention in becomes more confusing right now. The best I can do is try to remain as non-judgmental as I can, accept whatever feelings and emotions arise so that I can go with the flow.

I’m highly aware of my own energy these days and I don’t want to do anything to become blocked or stagnant therefore I must allow for space to keep everything copacetic. Practicing yoga, freestyle ballet routines and running are my go to activities. Listening to my favorite music helps me connect to my joy. Keeping little Maria engaged in playful activities like riding my new bike reminds me that being playful helps fuel not only my curiosity for life but my creativity. Spending time with my son is amazingly healing too๐Ÿ˜

I had a hard time sleeping last night and I found myself wide awake at 3:30 AM so I wrote this poem highlighting what ghosts retrograde season resurrects for me. Writing always helps me process the most difficult and challenging emotions I feel.

Take good care of yourselves my dear readers, peace, good health, light and lots of love ๐Ÿฅฐ

Retrograde

Spirituality

Moving on

In my last post my dear readers, I disclosed how hard of a month April had been for me. I want to write a bit about why exactly I feel this way. After months of contemplation, an insightful deep dive into my soul and a lot of praying I have decided to move back to South Florida. Florida has been a second home to me after New Jersey. While I was born and raised in the Garden State, most of my family has resided in Florida specifically my dear Nana. It’s a bit of a bittersweet move because I’m doing it separately from my partner of seven years.

June 1 2020 my partner and I plan on being reunited and going snorkeling to celebrate our love. I’m blessed to have such an intimate connection with a man who always has my best interests at heart. He truly is the love of my life and I thank God for him every single day for teaching me not only about myself and the world around me but about love. Giving, sacrificing and receiving everything I need perhaps not what I always want to hear, but always what I need. That is love.

I’m thrilled to be taking this long car trip from Dallas to southern Florida with my son Ty. Finally after ten years of living apart we are going to live together! God has finally answered my prayers. We are currently about ten hours from our final destination and it’s been so magical getting to spend this time with him. I’m so proud of the mature, kind and responsible young man he has become. Getting to take this car trip with him has been a fun adventure. Ty looks out for his Mom and I feel our bonding on and over these past two months has brought us even closer which warms my heart exponentially.

This move is sort of a redemption for him because he attempted it first this past August. Then after only a month he decided to move back to Rhode Island. Nobody said being eighteen was easy. He missed his friends and his girlfriend too. This time around we are moving there together. The possibilities are endless, sky’s the limit!!

I can’t complain, Ty’s done most of the driving too! He’s such a careful and safe traveler. Especially doing this during a pandemic. He had to take two flights here and now this nineteen hour long car trip we’re on. Each step of the way, reminding me to wear my mask and wash my hands.

I won’t go into detail but the timing of this move was sped up due to the current situation I was dealing with at my last living arrangement. No, it’s definitely not ideal to move across state lines during a pandemic but rest assured my dear readers I had no choice in that part of it. Everything happens for a reason and despite the timing, moving without my partner and the pandemic….I haven’t felt this free in years!! It’s amazing how differently you can view a situation from the other side of it.

I’m mostly excited to get back to my beloved happy place, the beach!! I can hardly wait to float in the ocean and dig my feet into the sand. Ahhhhhh, paradise for me. I definitely consider myself a beach girl having been raised and living on the coast all of my life, close to a beach too. I spent thirteen years living in Rhode Island during my first marriage and I shared with you here my dear readers about the glorious beach house I resided in there. Whenever I need to bring myself to my happy place in my mind, I always envision a place that is a combination of a Rhode Island beach and a South Florida one. Visualization has been one of my go to tools for relaxation and reducing anxiety for a long time now.

In recognition of the many feelings and emotions that have bubbled up to the surface, I did what I do best. I wrote this poem on Monday, as I sat on a bench at a favorite park of mine that I love to run too. I usually take a break during my run by sitting at this particular spot where I can see the tall skyscrapers of downtown Dallas against the picturesque backdrop that is White Rock Lake. I enjoy watching the birds swim here too. I believe I was a bird in a past life. Lately, their behavior has touched my soul and resonated within me in a profound way.

White Rock Lake Running trail

I’m blessed and fortunate to have made some great friends, learned a lot about myself and resurrected my love for running while living in Dallas these past three years. I don’t like good byes so instead I say see y’all later๐Ÿ˜‰

Free as a bird