Spirituality

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I intended to write this post about the Divine Intervention session I had on Friday but today has been an up and down roller coaster of emotions that I feel needs to be processed properly and takes precedence over that. In short, it was amazing and I can really feel a major shift going on which is probably in part the reason why I feel so emotional today.

Today April 26th is my youngest son Miles’s 15th birthday. Unfortunately I haven’t gotten to see him in almost 4 years. Parent alienation is a real and terrible thing. I have a very close and awesome relationship with my oldest son Tyler, Ty we affectionately call him. Ty lives with his grandparents, my ex-husband’s parents and they are very good to him. Ty moved out when he was 16 because he couldn’t stand living under my ex-husband’s thumb any longer. They always butted heads and he was actually very mean to Ty, like cruel even. I could never understand it being our firstborn why he treated him so poorly. I observed a jealousy he harbored against him early on even. I was a stay at home mother and Ty and I have always been super close.

This post is about Miles however. My boys are almost 4 years apart and I always refer to him as my sunshine🌞 and my snuggle bunny! He came into this world so happy, full of life with dimples highlighting his big smile and a great giggling laugh😂 Lately and because of our separation unfortunately Ty is the only person who gives me updates on his brother’s wellbeing. My ex has refused to speak to me for over 6 years now. It’s so ignorant and petty, trying to erase me because he’s hurt still that I wanted a divorce. He must be because to have moved on and having two new children with his current partner still has him apparently bitter towards me. He still thinks having nothing to do with me is the best option. He is oblivious to the fact he is actively hurting my boys, our boys. Ty has told me he can’t understand why his father had two more children and that they were the exact reason he moved out at 16.

Ty has told me Miles is becoming more and more angry. Especially now with our current lockdown and quarantine situation, he has to participate in long distance schooling and doesn’t see his friends. He is stuck in a house with a two year old and a 10 month old daily. His father hardly pays him any attention because the little ones demand so much of his time and because his mind has been poisoned to believe lies about his mother. Miles hasn’t spoken to me on his own in over three years. He will only talk to me when he’s with Ty at their grandparents house. I write hand written letters to him all the time because I have been blocked from social media and he has asked Ty to not give me his cell number.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t completely see and understand why he is so angry. His father and I divorced when he was only 6. I needed to recreate my life after all the trauma I endured in the state we were living in and I made the hardest decision of my life to move very far away to another region of the country to do it. In the beginning we would talk all the time, video chat and I would make yearly trips back to visit. In the last four years my finances have been terrible and I can’t afford the trip. I get it he feels abandoned. He blames me because that’s what he hears from his father. At 15, he lacks the emotional maturity and life experiences that Ty has at almost 19 and living on his own for almost 3 years. Living with his grandparents just started 7 months ago. Before that his girlfriend’s mother let him live with them. The lack of communication on my ex-husband’s side towards me has had me in the dark and unaware if most of these details until recently.

I should mention too that from 2017 up until Christmas of 2019 I had zero communication with either of my sons. That was a very dark and depressing time for me. I finally reached out to my ex brother in-law and begged him to give me my ex-husband’s phone number. I called but he refused to answer. I asked my sister to reach out and get a message to Ty. As soon as Ty knew I cared and was looking for him, he reached out via social media. It was the best Christmas present I could ever get!

Since Ty and I have reconnected, I have been patiently waiting for Miles to come around but from what Ty tells me poor Miles’s is getting more and more angry. He doesn’t want to interact with Ty even much anymore and they were so incredibly close during and after the divorce. I know it hurts Ty and today everything came to a boiling point .

It was pouring raining there today. Ty rode 6 miles on his bike to his father’s house with the birthday card I sent, a gift card from me, a letter I had written a month ago (I’m not allowed(according to him, not court appointed to have my ex-husband’s address , therefore everything must be mailed to his parents house. Let me state here too that I share 50% custody of my boys as is stated in our divorce decree) and $40 in cash he was giving to his brother for his birthday. Miles refused to come outside and told Ty he didn’t want anything from me. When Ty called he was really upset. He told me, “Mom, I have to move Miles out of Dad’s.” We spoke at length about what I believe Miles is going through at 15, taking into account his current living situation and being shutoff from his mother. I told Ty how proud I am of him for attempting to deliver the gifts. I told him he is being the bigger person, with so much emotional intelligence for a young man and being the man I raised him to always be…. kind, considerate and compassionate towards others, especially family.

I went for a twelve mile run after hearing all of this. The first long distance run I’ve taken since before the shutdown. I love the park near my house because it has a huge lake and a beautiful ten mile path looping around it just south east of Dallas. Running in general clears my head and is how I processed my divorce 10 years ago. Running near water soothes my soul💙

View from a bridge

When I run I usually talk with God. Sometimes out loud depending on if I’m alone on the path but mostly in my head. This afternoon I asked God to touch Miles’s heart and allow him to feel my love for him and his brother’s love too. Ty was really upset and thought for sure he wouldn’t change his mind when I told him I had a feeling he would. I definitely didn’t expect him to do a 180 turn around today, but that’s exactly what happened! Thank you God🙏 Miles agreed to meet him halfway so he could get his gifts.

Here’s a picture from the very last birthday we actually spent together, 9 years ago when he was turning 6🎉

Happy birthday Miles🎉

Here’s a picture Ty took and shared with me from over the summer. This shot showcases Miles’s goofball personality 😂

Miles is the ultimate gamer🎮

To sum up today I will share a painting and a poem I finished yesterday. It’s interesting how both were started on Friday night before any of this happened. I think my mind must have been channeling it and trying to process it beforehand. I am so grateful for my creative outlets that help me make sense of my big giant heart💖

Can’t see the forest for the trees🎨
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I now have 2 books of poetry available on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Musings-Maria-Pratico/dp/1798567504/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=%22emotional+musings%22&qid=1587010926&sr=8-1

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B087H7D1VS/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?dchild=1&keywords=Emotional+Musings&qid=1587663034&sr=8-3

Spirituality

Staying in the love vibration

Not matter the current circumstances my dear readers, I am choosing to reject all of the fear being pumped into our society currently. Despite the fact that it is Friday the 13th and the Coronavirus is threatening the health of millions, billions throughout all of humanity……keep in the love vibe. Please. Love is the highest and most powerful of all energy vibrations ❤

Here are eight helpful tips you can practice to keep love running through your mind, body and spirit 🥰

  1. Become conscious of your thoughts. Everything you think, say or feel becomes your reality. We truly are our thoughts💭
  2. Find something beautiful and appreciate it. I do this through meditation and visualization.
  3. Be conscious of the foods you eat. Again, you are what you eat.
  4. Drink water and plenty of it. It’s the best way to rid the body of toxins
  5. Meditate. For at least 5 to 15 minutes every day. It’s a muscle that can be built over time, repetition and practice. I have been incorporating meditation into my daily routine for 10 years now and practicing yoga for 20. It’s never perfect but is progress in keeping myself balanced and centered 🧘‍♀️
  6. Be grateful. Especially with yourself. Show others kindness and practice the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would want to be treated🙌
  7. Practice acts of kindness. Both random and intentional, our world needs this now more than ever✌
  8. Get your blood pumping by moving your body for at least 20 minutes daily. Why not smile while doing it too….studies show that smiling while exercising has an even more beneficial impact on your overall health in the long term 😁

No matter what, reject all fear. Stay in the love vibration ❤🙌


This morning my creative mind wanted to play around with different types of poetry formats. Tapping into my passionate heart and my ability to empathize, using compassion to understand humanity. My message here is to love one another now more than ever❤


Spirituality

Stuck on memory lane

Ahhhhhh dear reader’s I can tell I’m neck deep in my own “stuff” when I wake up and immediately feel left over anxiety and frustration from the night before. Any little irritation sets me spinning off and yes I have been feeling quite heavy for the past 2 days as I reminisce about the good ol days of my youth. Since my last post I have been stuck on memory lane💭

Sadly, on Sunday my Mom called me to tell me that my step sister Liz’s husband passed away. My parents are both not well enough to travel from Florida to New Jersey for the service. I immediately thought of my nephews and niece who are now without their Dad. He was a great father and he and my sister were married for over thirty years. There are six of us siblings all together and I fall second to the last in age order. Here is a picture of all of us at their wedding sometime in the early 80’s…..

That’s me on the left😊 I was probably 7 or 8 years old.

My parents came into their marriage together with two children each. Back in the late 70s they did the best they could to create a blended family, which was extremely difficult because of our wide age gaps. My step brother Jay is twenty years older than me, my step sister Liz is eighteen, then comes my sister Tami (my Mom’s oldest daughter) who is twelve years older, then my brother Billy is ten years my senior. My parents had me in 1977 and lastly the baby of our family, my sister Gina was born in 1979. Thinking back I remember us all always spending holidays together.

When someone passes it always makes me think of the past and how fast time has gone by.  I remember the little girl I was so wide eyed with wonder, curious about everything and super shy. I really didn’t break out of that phase until I started dancing competitively at around age 10. With all I have unearthed surrounding my sexual abuse at age 5 and 6, I have been slowly going back in my memory bank. That expierience taught me how to dissociate and being numb to my own feelings began there. Eventually I developed Complex PTSD, but that diagnosis took many years to come about.

Little Maria age 3
Silly Maria age 5

For this post however I’m choosing to focus on how my youngest sister Gina and I had the best of everything provided to us. She and I are just twenty-two months apart. I call her G, she was my first best friend, we did absolutely everything together and my Mom dressed us alike for too many years I think🤣 Looking back at these pictures however, I must admit how darn cute the two of us were (are)❤

Sisters in the summertime
We ❤ this hammock

We grew up in a very idyllic neighborhood, nowadays I would compare it to Mr. Rogers’s. Our small town, Wyckoff, NJ is located just 15 minutes from NYC. Everybody knew everyone, all the kids in the neighborhood rode our bikes together, played on each other’s front lawns and swan in each other’s pools in the summer. Our neighbor directly across the street became my first friend outside of family because our mother’s were pregnant with us at the same time and I like to say we were bonded in the womb 😄 Around Christmas time, we would dress up and go caroling. Even my grandparents joined us and the neighbors would invite us in for hot chocolate and cookies. You could run to any neighbor’s house at anytime and feel welcomed. My sister and I went to summer camps, took all kinds of lessons including tennis, swimming, dance, piano, art, and sewing just to name a few, played sports and went on at least one family vacation yearly. We were extremely blessed to have been exposed to so much from an early age.

My sister Gina and I both started dancing soon after we could walk. I know I was around 2 years old. We were always paired in duos once we started dancing in competitions and we were always next to each other in the same line (our director said it made it easier for our Mom to take pictures!) usually front row, in all of our dance numbers. Thinking back, dancing was the highlight of my childhood and into my teenage years, creating my passion for dance and movement today 💃❤

Jazz sisters
“Dreamgirls” opening recital dance

Since G lives in Florida and I live in Texas, we are far away from each other. I can’t just get in my car and meet her to get our nails done or grab some coffee. When I was married and lived in Rhode Island while she was living in New Jersey, we used to meet at a half way point on I95 a lot so our children could see each other. Many times I would take her daughter and son back up with me to RI so the cousins could spend quality time together. I also used to drive down to NJ at least once a month to stay at my parent’s house for the weekend so everybody could visit together. Lately I have been thinking about her and missing those times we spent together a lot! So much time has passed since the sweet days of our youth and early adulthood. I’ve been experiencing a lot of inner child wounds that keep bubbling up to the surface. That’s what happens after you stuff a dark secret away for thirty-five years. It’s like holding a balloon under water, eventually it will find it’s way to the surface.

So I have spent much of the past two days in my head and in my shadow. All of the old beliefs about myself, old thinking patterns, nightmares and memories are back in full force. It feels sticky and honestly very awful. I must console myself by myself because that is the job of reparenting. It’s bittersweet because as much as I love these pictures, I can’t really remember any of the specific details that go along with them. My memories are really hazy and clouded by fear, anxiety, stress and an overwhelming sense of panic. I have often said my body felt like it ran on a motor of all of these fore mentioned feelings. Healing comes in waves. I’m weary and I feel weak. Time to retire this heavy head and ❤ of mine.

I wrote this poem before I fell asleep last night…

Spirituality

I don’t want to

This will be another short post. I want to share with you my dear readers what a blessing it is to write and have the ability to channel my energy into my poems. At times, when emotions are running hot…that’s when my creativity comes alive. I write this one just last night.

Emotional pain yields breakthrough in my creative process

This poem below is a message from my inner child, my little Maria to my adult self. Healing is a process that has taken a deeper dive into all the facets of self. Some people name their alter ego, I have not but lately have been considering it. Just to keep them straight. I know my partner likes to refer to me by a different name when I’m displaying characteristics that are unsavory. I keep pushing myself to uncover, untangle and help my true authentic self emerge more and more often😁💜

Mental health, Spirituality

The art of allowing love is magic

Oh love, what a complicated and fickle pursuit it can be! My dear readers I have come into such an abundance of love’s pure energy flow lately and so far my new year is as bright and shiny as my spirit is. Last Monday I expierenced my third vision, out in nature, which I just love. Awe inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful! Looking up at the sky now holds more meaning for me than ever before. As I continue to heal and push through obstacles, one solution remains constant and true and that is love. When we allow love to flow freely throughout our entire being it frees us from our problems and allows us to be closer to Source and Divine power.

In keeping with my daily rituals while always setting the intention to allow a steady stream of unconditional love to flow through I am reminded to surrender. Love presents a polarity between weakness and strength. When we are in love we are vulnerable because we are putting our heart out there and there’s always a possibility we might be hurt or let down. Yet when we do this, we are showing strength in our belief that we deserve and want love. Accessing superior energy, which is God (or whatever higher power you believe in) we are able to look inward and feel that essence inside of us. It’s there in abundance dear readers. I know this to be true because I kept myself closed off from it for years. My intuition was quiet almost inaudible, barely being listened to. Now, ten years into this spiritual and self healing journey, it is loud and clear.

The first step was learning to love myself and to do that I had to figure a few things out. Understanding where I had been, why I was here and what was my soul’s purpose became goals that had me reading anything in the spiritual realm I could get my hands on. Seeking out therapists, taking medications for a time (15 years to be exact) to heal from the severe traumas I had experienced, attending outpatient therapies like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). Getting my mind right as the kids say, was a painstaking process that has instilled patience with myself into my core. None of this happens overnight 🤯

Along this journey I learned some powerful tools that I incorporate into my daily self care practices. Meditation is hugely vital to my well being and allows me quiet reflection and observation space to my rapidly shifting thoughts. Listening to binaural sounds at varying frequencies allows me to hear my spirit guides better and receive messages from them. We all have these angels all around us and last week Universe gifted me an angel orchestra of them during my vision. I have been asking for a sign to show me they were here and as I gazed up into the big blue sky while the moon was showing herself, all of a sudden I saw hundreds of twinkling white lights! Immediately I knew that they were my guides saying hello. I was filled with an indescribable sense of comfort and warmth while tears streamed down my face, it was one of the most beautiful sights to behold.

After that, my week continued to unfold in both positive and painful ways. I have come to a point in my life where I can see the beauty and purpose within pain. It’s my body’s signal and way of teaching me what I need to heal from, let go, accept and turn into strength. It’s like magic when you think about it that way. I’m no masochist, I no longer engage in self denial and I don’t seek out pain on purpose. I do however believe pain is one of our greatest teachers. Over my 42 years, I have experienced an incredible amount of pain and heartache that I know now served its purpose in instilling a deep love and kindness for my fellow humans and all living things for that matter.

When you allow love in you understand it’s the only truth

I was drawn to do some inner child healing too last week which used to scare me because it was painful to look at. Now that I feel more in tune with my own emotions, loving myself in this way allows me to reparent the little me inside. Planning for and scheduling activities that bring out my childhood essence is really important for my continued growth, self integration and evolvement. These include talking to myself, dancing, going out in nature, painting, listening to music and singing along. Playing around with sounds like chanting, even swinging on a swing! That was my favorite activity as a child, I always felt like I was flying so high and free.

Remembering this part of me allows me to be my own hero and rescue myself which is hugely empowering. I write letters to my younger self at different ages reminding her she is no longer alone and is seen, heard and loved. It’s again, a kind of magic when those old stories that ran through my head telling me I’m not good enough or I am too much, too sensitive get triggered to start playing and now this new more calming and comforting voice is heard in their absence. Reparenting myself is a huge gift to not only me but those who love me and are in my life can see a big shift in my outlook and self confidence. Isn’t it amazing how music can fill the shallow parts of our souls allowing us this wonderful connection with who we are?

As an empath, I have lived most of my life distracted and focused upon other’s feelings and thoughts while neglecting my own. Honestly, my own were scary to me and overwhelming so I neglected them in favor of trying to save or rescue another. I can also admit that even during my current relationship with my fiance, there have been many many times that I looked to him to save me. Finally, I understand that only I can save me. I am responsible for my own happiness and the inner joy I feel is fueled by such self love and gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned. I have no regrets and I wouldn’t change a minute of my life thus far.

My main goal for this year has been to put myself out there more by releasing my inhibitions once and for all. I have forced myself to do more video confessionals that I post on my social media @emotionalmusings on both Instagram and Facebook. I hoped to attend my first poetry slam where I would perform one of my most personal poems, “Glimpses”this past Friday. My words are like my children and it both terrifies and excites me to share them on a stage. Unfortunately the weather here in Dallas kept me from attending but it turns out Universe is granting me another opportunity to do it this Friday because I have the night off from work!! YAY😊

I also reached out to a dear fellow empath friend @emilyrainbowglo on Instagram to ask her if she would want to do a collaboration with me, a live chat for our fellow empaths to feel empowered by and learn from. I was thrilled with the outcome of our conversation yesterday, it was seamless! It’s still available for a few more hours if you dear readers would like to hear what we had to talk about. It’s based around love and surrendering to it, allowing in self love and care so that we can protect our precious spirit and gifts while being open to receiving messages from the Universe. I have also asked another healer and dear friend of mine if I could join her on her new podcast. I will keep you dear readers in the loop of when that happens but for now you can follow her on Instagram @comealivewithchrissymarie and her podcast on Spotify is called, “The Art of Aliveness”. I will post the link below so you can check her out too.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7aiqLKqwfl9Z4KkjLllPe8?si=Aw8ANxUhRnW3cLMg1WzGjA

I have made up my mind that this year, 2020 is the year I stop holding myself back. I have done just that for one reason or another for the last 40 years and finally, FINALLY I feel strong enough to put my hand ✋ up to anything or anybody that tries to have me go back into a box or wants to label me, stifle my spirit….no thank you!! I am determined to let my free spirit soar as high as I can fly! I also did a confessional for a company I represent by sharing my story. I have it published here as a post under, “My journey with BodHD,” but I will also drop the link below so it can be accessed here too.

I wrote this poem last night that really expresses my love and gratitude to the elements, the Universe that has held me in its loving arms, nurturing my spirit even when I was neglecting it and continued to show to love and acceptance. That little voice has always been there giving me the strength to never give up. Whatever pushes you along my dear readers, keep doing it. Don’t let anything stop you, ever. Shine and allow the world your gifts. Never give up. I am a forever friend to all and I appreciate your support, follows and likes. You can always reach out to me, I love to listen. You too can “Triumph over Trauma “😊💪💜

The elements that make me who I am
Spirituality

Consciously blocking fear

This has been a tremendous past week for me my dear readers!! I have received so many messages from the Universe validating the path I’m currently on which is the journey back to the authentic spirit I embody within this human vessel. In a nutshell, I have raised my vibration to the point where I’ve shifted into such love and abundance while actively blocking out fear. If you read a newspaper or watch the news, however you get your information, there are events happening in our world that have many speculating if we are of the verge of WW3. What these events like the wildfires in Australia and the US killing Qasem Suleimani one of Iran’s top generals me is to not allow fear to get it’s claws into my psyche.

I’m uber focused on not allowing myself to be brought down by fear. Everything is energy so when we engage fear we are ultimately feeding it. I chose to feed love by investing my energy into making myself the best human being I can be, knowing myself as well as I can. For me, it’s about management of my time and what I’m feeding myself. You are what you feed your mind and body. Period.

I must serve myself and heal myself first so I can live my soul’s purpose which is of spreading love and kindness to everyone I meet. We need more random acts of kindness and empathy for our fellow sisters and brothers. We are all connected, everything alive on this planet has an affect on each other. When you start to really see the world we live in in this way, you want to make choices from love and abandon fear.

I recently watched a YouTube video by one of my favorite YouTube stars, Ralph Smart aka Infinite Waters. He calls his followers Deep Divers because we dive into different subjects going below the surface and appearance. He is a beacon of light and hope sharing advice on how to make yourself more self aware, be a better person, gain consciousness etc….you get the point as to why I follow him closely😉 One of the connections he draws upon highlighted within the video below is that our society is feeding fear by ingesting animals. The killing of animals during food production creates fear and pain for them. By ingesting that meat, now you have transferred that energy into your own body. Think about it. That one blew me away.

While I’m on the subject of YouTube stars, another amazing woman I follow closely is Dr. Nicole Pera aka The Holistic Psychologist. I stumbled upon her Instagram page through one of the soul sisters I follow on Instagram. She’s revolutionizing the field of mental health by focusing on what the root cause is for so many illnesses, disorders and conditions. Every day she posts advice on how to undo the programming and conditioning we as a society go through when we are growing up. The steps she lays out make it crystal clear on how to become more self aware, live more consciously and make better decisions surrounding our choices and behaviors. Her guidance has helped me in countless ways! She’s a tool in my ever evolving tool belt of self healing information.

Today she posted about unraveling the conditioning we go through, specifically the letting go of the habit of self. Many professionals in the field describe “self” as personality but really it is the expieriences we live through that creates this aspect of ourselves. This is ego, unconsciousness, operating throughout life on auto pilot, living in the past and it doesn’t serve us well at all. Here is the link to her YouTube video.

Become an observer my dear readers and understand that the first step in obtaining peace in this world is to start within yourself. Working on the inside will eventually transform the outside world around us. Ralph and Nicole have very similar messages. Their work and content focus around discovering our authentic self which is what our spirit, what our soul tells us. This is our intuition. The longer we operate from fear, the more silent that inner voice becomes. I’m talking about our intuition. Some end up never even acknowledging it at all let alone trusting it.

For most of my life, I was living in a constant and perpetual state of fear and anxiety. I didn’t feel good enough, I distrusted my inner guide and went about creating false stories, ego stories, that screamed at me that I was a failure. Since working so diligently on raising my own vibration, becoming a realized and empowered empath all that has vanished.

The creation of daily morning rituals helps me to care for my spirit by allowing me to finally feel my worth. Meditating regularly has allowed me to become an observer to my obsessive and compulsive thoughts surrounding anxiety and depression. I can choose what I act upon, what is real for me. Journaling is a great way to unload my mind and stay in the present. I pick up on so much dear readers, being constantly sent messages about the others around me whether I like it or not. It can really weigh me down if I let it.

Becoming aware of synchronicity is one of the signs of a spiritual awakening and definitely one of the coolest parts of my journey thus far. I have praised my dear soul sister Lindsey Luna aka soul.healing.with.luna on Instagram a few times in my posts. She is an amazingly talented shamanic healer and Reiki master. A few weeks ago she posted her chakra healing crystal set in an Instagram story and I was immediately smitten with them! I quickly messaged her and asked her where she found them. The neat thing about us empaths is that we are so in tune with each other, she knew I would ask her! On Saturday they arrived to my pleasant surprise about an hour after I posted about allowing soul power to flow freely. Not a coincidence, there is no such thing my dear readers 😊

I opened the box and gazed lovingly upon my new crystal beauties. I took three deep breaths as I held each chakra point crystal in my hand while setting an intention our loud. I burned some sage to cleanse them too from any negative charges they may be carrying. The fact that Lindsey picked them out, touched them and transferred her own positive energy into them is very special to me. I then lay them upon each of my chakra points while listening to her guided meditation. I can’t fully express the euphoric feeling I immediately recieved from these healing crystals!! When I was finished and was putting them away each crystal was quite hot to my touch. I felt like I was floating on a cloud for the rest of the day!

The last bit of news I will leave you with is that I expierenced my second vision!! It was so awe inspiring and glorious leaving me with tears streaming down my face🤗 I started using a brain waves frequency app for background tones while I meditate. I was sitting outside in my backyard just gazing at the sun through the trees. All of a sudden I could see the energy waves in the air. This isn’t the 1st time I have seen them but what was different is the appearance of the sun. I saw a big purple heart. At first there were three circle like shapes and then those morphed into a heart. This keep happening over and over while I just stared in awe. An overwhelming feeling of calm came rushing over my body from head to toe.

Witnessing such a vision is a clear message to me from Universe that everything will be alright. Purple is not only my favorite color but when I saw my guardian angel during my first vision, she was bathed in purple light. Universe really knows how to quickly get my attention!

About twenty minutes after that experience I went back inside to journal about it and write the following poem💜🌈🌠✌🙏😊

Spirituality

An end of year gift to myself

Here we are my dear readers, the final days of 2019. We made it through another year and decade. We’re in a new moon and eclipse cycle too which has my energy vibes feeling a sense of overall calm, a tiredness has settled into my entire being. A few days ago I wrote a poem about the greatest gift to myself and how much it means to me to be uncovering my true and authentic self. It’s the most wonderful, beautiful and precious experience of my life.

It certainly has not come easy or free! Since June, as you know if you have been following my blog here, I have been on an accelerated spiritual journey. It required a tremendous amount of patience and grace on my part. Integrating my shadow self, the aspects of my character that are darker, the ones I don’t like to admit led me to places I never dreamed I would be. Ultimately accepting every ounce of what makes me me has taught me so much. I finally see my worth, understand my value and strive each day to care for my spirit by practicing daily rituals that strengthen the bond I have with myself.

Over this past weekend, I stumbled upon a website where I could map together my complete birth chart. Cafeastrology.com gives a very detailed and informative view of where the sun, moon and planets were positioned the day you were born. It took me two days to read it and summarize it into my journal. The descriptions of my characteristics( inborn, undeveloped and overdeveloped) impressions I leave upon others, my communication style, habits and reactions to the world, whom I attract, my values within different situations are all connected to my chart. I learned so much about myself and was validated on many fronts it was uncanny! Certain paragraphs I had to reread twice, even three times because they blew me away so much.

The picture above raises interesting questions. I feel that there are certain character challenges that are unavoidable while some information I read I could definitely connect with in a way that is constructive to my growth. For example, I was born a highly sensitive, even moody at times individual. Most empaths moods can change so rapidly leaving others around them quite puzzled as to why. The sensitivity I am most especially affected by is the relation to my environment. I am extremely sensitive to it due to my heightened senses. If something smells off, I am distracted, often bothered and have difficulty focusing. If sounds are too loud, I am immediately in fight, flight or freeze mode. I believe no matter how much I work on myself these physiological aspects of my being wouldn’t change. I believe them to be hard wired.

However, I do take heed to the suggestions within my reactions to others. For example, I rely too heavily upon myself. I like to be independent and this streak is defined in every description throughout my chart from my sun and moon signs, both are Sagittarius by the way(many of the planets were in Sagittarius for me making me a super Sagittarius)to Saturn in Virgo and Uranus in Scorpio position. All define my intense desire to keep others out of my inner drive to get things done. My North Node in Libra and in my 4th house says that I take on the management role of fixing problems like a second nature although if I let others in, I can improve my life many times over. This is definitely something I can attest too being true. Initially, I want to handle everything on my own, have all the answers etc. Life has proven to me that when I reach out and ask for help, the load I’m carrying whether physical, emotional or spiritual gets much lighter.

I believe learning the most I can about myself by becoming as aware of myself as possible, the better I can care for myself in the world and within my relationships with others. I have always had a feverish curiosity for knowledge and understanding. I’m a gentle, generous and emotionally sensitive person who is practical in my values and fairness with others. I tend to be independent and want my freedom. I get restless when I feel I must conform to others ideals or am around others with inhibitions forced upon me. I am a very free spirit who likes to think and figure things out myself in my own unique way. I can come across as slow and methodical with my language and writing when I am taking on too much information. I need to process things conpartmentally at times in order to derive meaning from it because I’m highly philosophical.

All of this information has taught me how to handle my problems, mood shifts and emotions when dealing with others as an empath. I have always tended to get more involved with other’s feelings rather than feel and pay attention to my own. I believe I’m shifting this tendency. Even my partner can see a difference in me in how he and I interact. I think it’s hard for him because he doesn’t want to feel left out or left behind because of my growth. I assure him that my personal journey is necessary for my spirit and purpose during this journey to continue. It’s nothing to be feared or worry about but a beautiful and everlasting gift to myself.

I have often done just this. Feeling “too much” for others to handle because of my passionate views, the intensity of emotions I display and brutal honesty. Sometimes I can definitely put my foot in my mouth and say things with little or no tact. Being born and raised in New Jersey while residing in the South has elicited comments from others about my brashness and abruptness which leave a negative connotation in my mind. Attempts to stifle or cover these traits never works or feels genuine to me. I only end up hurting myself and that is something I’m finally finished doing!

What I have learned is to embrace it ALL. I refuse to hamper down who I am for anybody. I have lived through and endured so much pain and heartache that experiencing this revitalization of my spirit feels like flying. I alone decide how high I will soar, who I will let into my inner circle of loved ones and damn all the rest. This is me, in my truest and most genuine form. I love me today and that is something I pretended to feel for entirely too long for the sake of others. No longer will I allow the thoughts, opinions and actions of others to cloud my self expression.

I’m ready to kiss 2019 goodbye with a deep felt gratitude for all the lessons I have gathered this year. I have a clear picture of my future in 2020 and beyond that is of me owning my female empath warrior strength in an even more empowered and realized way so that I may shine as brightly as our life giving Sun 🌞

Mental health, Spirituality

Intentions for an open heart

When in doubt follow your heart. That mantra has been my focal point all of my life. As the empathetic, passionate and free spirited woman I am following my heart’s desire has always felt right to me. In the years since I have been healing myself from trauma however, there were many times where I would tell my partner that I felt a disconnection between my heart and my mind. I can recall a specific time four years ago when that realization made me so sad and confused. Unraveling trauma, pain stuck in my body has taken time and required me to simply be patient with myself.

I have loads of patience for others yet I tend to be more harshly impatient with my own progress in this area. The integration between my heart and soul while processing my own emotions surrounding trauma has taught me that I can’t force anything to happen. Creating a false sense of security by telling myself that it’s not that upsetting or lying to myself that “I’m ok” only furthered the process. The sentiment of “time takes time” just came to mind. I’m thankful I surrendered to the process and showed myself grace. It’s yielded tremendous growth for my spirituality and awakening journey!

Another opportunity presented itself recently in regards to allowing my heart to remain open, just feeling the feelings, without intellectualizing them and over explaining them. I was made aware of the fact that I tend to do this. It’s an old coping skill I developed in order for me to feel safe in my body, feeling everything and everybody all at once. As an empath, for so long before I realized it was detrimental to my own well being, I have tended more to others feelings while stuffing or numbing my own away. My fast moving energy creates BIG intense feeling sensations in my body and I was fearful of them.

After reflecting on why I have done this throughout my life, understanding that it’s no longer necessary and shifting into open heartedness requires me to evoke that same level of patience with myself. I have noticed that when I start to digress into old behaviors and patterns my posture changes. I cross my arms and hug my body, slouching my shoulders, I don’t stand with my head held as high. Being aware of how this overwhelming and uncomfortable feeling actually feels in my body allows me an opportunity to grow. In the past, I would allow this low vibrational fear to consume me. Now, operating from a place of love which is a higher vibration, I feel more empowered to overcome that fear. Sitting with it, tending to my own emotional response has proven to be so powerful!

I recently learned how to quickly reconnect with my heart and my soul’s power by clearing my central channel. I rub my hands together creating energy and hold then in front of my pelvic/hip region. Then I raise them up over my body slowly while visualizing releasing any stagnant energy that may be blocking me from my power. Once I get to my heart I stop and shake my hands off as though they were wet. I practiced this the other day while staring at myself in the mirror. The intense feelings I got, the rush of self love made me feel happy and warm all over.

I’m using my power and gifts of sense mastery to heal myself! It’s incredibly empowering my dear readers. This is new ground for me. Becoming the master of my emotions and the creator of my reality is a shift I had no idea would change how I see everything in my world. Forever, my feelings and other’s have run my life in a negative and harmful way. I didn’t know how to sort it all out and I have gone through forgiving myself for not knowing how best to care for myself.

I believe that the way I was treating myself, misunderstanding how best to care for my spirit left me with a deep sadness that I have carried for a long, long time. When someone would ask me, “what’s wrong” it was often difficult to articulate exactly why but now I know it was this heaviness dragging my down creating sadness and eventually pain. Like a broken heart. I was unaware of how it was affecting my life. Now that I’m on the other side of it I know I have found the key to eternal happiness.

Happiness isn’t something you can get from external sources my dear readers. It must be cultivated from within. God has created us with everything we need for balance and peace within our own amazing bodies! I used to feel my heart was failing me because I felt too much and that my brain was attacking me because my thoughts ran so quickly through my mind. It was a terrible, victim like perception I was inflicting upon myself. I now see that I had the power all along to change and feel better. By taking care of my emotional and spiritual needs on a daily basis I have established a strong bond within myself. I make the promise with myself every day to never go back to my old ways. I release the worry and fear surrounding the entire thought I even would.

This new year 2020 feels like it’s going to be my brightest year yet🌠🌈🎇🙏❤

Mental health, Spirituality

Wherever you go, there you are

I have always liked the idea of wherever you go, you take yourself with you. In other words, you can change your physical location, surroundings or environment and that is all that actually is different because you are still you. The idea surrounding the possibility of instant growth simply because your physical surroundings are different is idealistic. We take ourselves, good, bad or indifferent wherever we go because we are creatures of habit. We don’t naturally like change. Change is scary and it upsets our egos. Ego mindset is there to keep us safe and small. Observing and deciphering the story our egos tell us is the first step in creating the real shift that is necessary for actual change.

Happiness is an inside job my dear readers. You can fly around the world, search the deepest forests, oceans and scour the beach for the meaning of life or buy things in attempt to find happiness and still come up short because no matter what you do or where you go, we must still answer to ourselves. Searching the external world for what makes one happy is never the answer for only we can create joy and peace within our own reality. The ability to think is what makes us uniquely human. The ability to understand we are not our thoughts is what allows us to become creators of our own reality. How empowering is that? Very😊

While I was thinking about writing this post, I read an article about the comparison of attitudes that either empower growth or can hold one back. The following are five attitudes that create confidence in contrast to overconfidence in life.

There is a difference between feeling truly capable of handling something versus thinking that YOU are the only one capable of accomplishing something. Now, I will state that I know and believe that the only thing I think I am the best suitable person for is taking care of myself. That being said, in every other situation, it isn’t very productive to think and definitely act like you are the only one who can do XYZ. When one thinks that way, it’s a set up for failure.

Overconfident people will continually talk without hearing others, I mean really listening to them. Confident and successful people understand that it’s best to always be learning while keeping an open mind to hearing something new. There must be a balance between talking and listening. I tell my boys to always remain open to new ideas and concepts because when one stops learning, growing ceases and spirit starts to die. This is a mindset that is easy to spot in others, usually depressed people who think they have nothing to offer the world. When those thoughts arise, recognizing that that is an ego based story devised to keep us small and free from changing. That thought can impede growth and squash all possibilities if one acts upon it.

The right kind of attitude is necessary for success in everything one sets out to accomplish. When I have an unrealistic belief that I’m too perfect to make any mistakes, I am attempting to act like a God. We are human and only God is perfect. Therefore it’s best to keep yourself in check by putting your best effort into achieving your goals. Thriving for your best, effortly speaking, is a better way of knowing that the only control you have is putting your best foot forward. We humans are fallible and will make mistakes along the way indefinitely.

That idea brings me to my next point which is being able to learn from your mistakes so that you don’t have to repeatedly keep making the same ones over and over again! We can either learn from our many mistakes along the way or we can choose to let our mistakes hold us back from actually acquiring the lesson and instilling it within our souls so the next time we remember that feeling and take steps to avoid that kind of self induced pain again.

Lastly, people who are confident work to gain respect from those around them by showing loyalty and kindness towards others while maintaining a down to Earth attitude. Overconfident people demand to be the main attraction and the center of attention. The latter type of person I try to avoid at all costs because they are extremely draining on my energy reserves. They lack self acceptance and are constantly seeking it from external sources.

Honestly, I have recently noticed that throughout my life as an empath, I have drawn in many narcissists and sociopaths. Those looking to drain my life force energy because they are so unsettled within their own beings and have no regard for human emotions. Since my spiritual growth has taken hold and my vibration has been raised, I only attract other like minded people to me. Mostly other extra sensory people, empaths, lightworkers and metaphysically interested people. It’s very awesome and a gift from Universe💜

Through daily meditation, over the years, I have learned to observe my own at times monkey mind. I can’t control what I think because I know our minds love to link information together and at times, tell us lies that keep me safe ….ego stories again. All that is within my power is the ability to put space between my thoughts and my actions. Meditation helps me grow that much needed space by passively observing. That’s when I can decipher what my thoughts are trying to tell me. I’m able to then break down my thoughts into the category of either rational or irrational.

I first learned these techniques while attending cognitive behavioral and dialetical behavioral therapyies. These two courses saved my life in many ways because I was allowing my overactive thinking to control my life instead of me being the master. I found myself in a downward spiral trying to escape my life in unhealthy ways and ultimately in permanence when I attempted suicide eight years ago.

I’ve entered a point in my life today where I feel an intense gratitude for everything! The people I have met, the lessons I have learned, the mistakes I have made, the opportunities I have been granted, the many experiences I can add to my tool belt by living life with am open mind along with my free flowing spirit. I love where I am. I am so grateful for where I find myself today and yes, I have brought myself here.

Spirituality

“Thou she be but little she is fierce”

This is one of my favorite quotes. It’s one I lean on when the weight of the world is on my shoulders. It’s by William Shakespeare from his play, “Midsummer Night’s Dream” from the third act…..
Hermia won’t hurt Helena even if you try to help her. Oh, when she’s angry, she is keen and shrewd! She was a vixen when she went to school. And thou she be but little she is fierce.

This post is dedicated to all the powerful women, soul sisters, a tribe of females who support, remind and inspire me on a daily basis. I firmly believe that I wouldn’t be where I am without these badass ladies. I am nothing if not a woman who sticks her hand out to my fellow female warriors just trying to make sense out of this wild wild world.

As competitive as I can be, I have always believed in rising up as a collective. Not only me but why not all of us, hand in hand together? It does sincerely take a village. There is true strength in numbers my dear readers. When I am in doubt, I don’t isolate myself only relying upon my own stinking thinking. Nope, not anymore because I know I have a solid counsel of women whom I can reach out to and ask for advice, guidance and to throw me a life preserver when I’m drowning in my ego!

I was raised in a family of strong women starting with my Mom’s mother, my dear Nana. If you have been following me from the beginning of this blog, you know I have looked up to this woman as the matriarch of our family. I also have three sisters and lots of female cousins. My Mom is a petite and feisty woman who has taught me to always speak up for myself. Here is a poem I wrote last year with Nana as my muse. Celebrating her beautiful and generous spirit and recognizing how she served as such an influential role model for me on how to treat others💖

Since I was the age of two studying dance, I have always been around more females than males and I definitely feel more comfortable around girls. This sisterhood in which I am a part of share a camaraderie that is unmatched by any other group of women I am lucky enough to call my friends. We have bonded by sharing our growing pains, as young girls transitioning to our awkwardness as teenagers blossoming into women and mothers. Practicing all styles of dance, seven days a week for hours creates more inside jokes, silly stories and laugh out loud anecdotes than I can count, only these ladies and I know. They know who they are and are forever bonded in my soul.

Expressing my gratitude towards my sisterhood tribe is the focus for this week’s post. As the holiday season looms near and the end of 2019 is close, I want to take this time to tell these ladies how much of an impact you have made upon my heart and soul. Your strength, wise words, laughter, hugs, comfort and advice is priceless to me. Love you ladies forever. I see you, I thank you and I love you all 🙌🙏❤