relationships, Spirituality

June is in bloom

June 2021 has arrived my dear readers and after this first full week I’m in love with a renewed sense of peace. Since publishing my latest book, “My Soul’s Journey: Lessons learned through love, I feel like I’ve unfurled more petals of the flower that symbolizes this love that is intuitively expressed through soul. In my last post I wrote that the more I heal, the more I reveal. This power is coursing through my veins portraying the truth found within the superpower of love.

Ah, peace….at this present moment I am enjoying the birds singing in the trees, the breeze off the lake and the bright sun shining upon my face. A few days ago while on a run, I spotted a wild parrot. Parrots in spirituality evoke a freshness as they spread their wings into your life delivering new ideas and signals that indicate a new direction for your work, relationships, or spiritual  pursuits.  Seeing them often, is nature’s way of sending omens and signs that come repeatedly. This meaning is alive in all three areas of my life! This morning I saw another one sitting on a tall branch of a tree as I ran under it for shade from the early morning sun. It’s bright green feathers stand out against the leaves while it’s yellow head brings a smile to my face. Looking at a parrot makes me happy because they are so naturally beautiful. I didn’t even stop to take a picture, instead choosing to capture it’s presence in my heart.

Electric light flower blossom

Back in March I shared some hard truths about my personal relationship with my partner. Since that time, I’m happy to say we have reconnected. Our bond has lasted eight years and has survived many challenging times that would break most couples for good. However, as a testament to both of our spirits and deep commitment to one another, we have learned through the tough times how to triumph and heal, choosing love every time. I believe we have taken this past year and our physical separation as a time to focus on our own individual needs which has allowed us to see how much we truly love one another. Patiently we planned on reuniting and I’m so thrilled that he has finally moved here to stay with my Mom and I here in Southern Florida. The past two days have ushered in a tremendous amount of gratitude, relief and joy! Being with my best friend again has my heart singing in the key of unconditional love. He is my muse and I dedicate all the poems I write about love to him, most especially this one.

Let love lead

This week I’m celebrating the two year anniversary of my spiritual awakening and soul healing by taking a much deserved break from my usual routines to spend time with the love of my life. Too often we rush through life’s milestones and goals, charging forwards into the next phase without taking time to recognize how far we have come. Well my dear readers, not this time! I’m honoring our love reunion by relaxing with one another. To be a human being rather than a human doing, which is a choice in conscious presence. Whatever life holds for us on this new adventure together and wherever the wind shall take us, I’m accepting it! May we each decide to allow the peace, joy and love that life has to offer us, open our hearts further to the beauty and magic that surrounds us. I invite you to unfurl your soul’s petals and rediscover life’s blessings in new ways this month. June is indeed in bloom and I’m in love all over again!

If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations and other ritualistic services I provide or to purchase any of my 5 books of poetry please click the link below or click the Services tab in the menu on my website.
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Maria@emotionalmusings.com
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In light and in shadow, always with love. Namaste.

Mental health

How I see things

I’ve been in my current relationship for almost six years. Most of the time I can’t believe how blessed I am to be able to be with a man whom I truly consider my best friend. He’s my person. Unfortunately, there is also a black cloud over us at times because of his mental illness combined with complex complications from years of playing professional football. This is simply my side of the story. What it feels like for me.

I say sometimes that the hardest part is missing somebody so much yet they are standing right in front of you. This man has endured the highest of highs on the gridiron and is now forced to suffer the harshest blows to his ego and personality as his memory, physical pains and overall health deteriorate slowly. I often feel helpless and overwhelmed by the reality of his conditions. As of right now he takes fifteen pills in the morning and about six at night before we go to bed. He has told me numerous times how he loathes all these pills.

Another aspect of our relationship that becomes hard to handle is his mood swings. Feeling so out of control, up and then crashing down creates this pushing away and then pulling towards one another. I could set my watch to his manic period every month, like clockwork. The rage, confusion, discomfort and instability inside him tells him to push me away. That I’ll be better off. I can’t help him. I need and deserve a different life. This from the man I love so deeply and have promised to be with forever. In one breath I’m hearing, “I love you”. In the next I’m being told to leave. More accurately I’m being left alone in our bed at night, staring at the four lonely walls of our apartment. We live in the back of his mother’s house and he often retreats into there.

No matter how many countless times I have begged and pleaded with him that I don’t want us to go to bed angry with each other and how it’s really hard for me to sleep alone because of my own C-PTSD symptoms and the feeling of security I get when we sleep together.

Right now my heart is so heavy as yet again I am alone after an irrational bout of senseless arguing. I tell myself each month not to take anything personally, don’t give in to fighting back with him. Yet every month I fall into this trap again. Laying here crying wondering what I did that was so wrong in his eyes yet knowing that he doesn’t have the ability to see things from my perspective. His perception right now is very skewed as his mind whispers lies to him.

I have vowed that I am down for the ride but the journey to healing is one he must take by himself. I can’t fix him. All I can do is be there for him and support him. Love him in spite of the hurt, love him even when I don’t like him and yes also love him when the voices in his head are screaming at him to give up for good.

It requires patience, understanding and stamina on a daily basis. It requires courage to put my own fears aside and not take the things he does and says personally.

I have come to be able to recognize the man I fell in love with as two different people. Both are intense, sometimes intimidating and passionate. One side is an amazingly funny personality and possesses an outgoingness that is infectious to everybody around him. The other side is serious, mean spirited, quick to criticize and unforgiving.

The roller coaster I ride is not for the faint of heart. It has taught me lessons about myself and my own inner strength. I rise and I fall within each and every month’s cycle living with a man who has severe schizoaffective bipolar disorder, PTSD and Concussion syndrome. We are doing what we can to slow down the progressiveness of his conditions yet I am aware of what our future will look like.

As I write this I choose to remember all the love, fun times and so many belly laughs we have shared. I want more of those yet I see them slipping away a little more each month. My heart aches for a more simple and less complicated road ahead.

I will never leave, give up or give in. I’m a love warrior, that is my job❤