Grief and loss, Healing

In memoriam

Yesterday was a glorious day for my family and I as we bid our final farewell to my Dad. My Mom was especially happy to hold this memorial service in their Catholic church 45 years to the day they had their first date. I was extremely honored to be the representative from the family to give the eulogy which included the poem I wrote “Daddy” just hours before he passed on November 24, 2020. This was the closure we all needed and the homecoming my Dad deserved.

For you Dad
“Daddy”

We continued the celebration of my Dad’s life with an Italian fest fit for the king he is, a luncheon that was held at his favorite restaurant which included family and close friends, about twenty people. My older sister flew in from Utah and my oldest brother drove down from Orlando. It was especially great to all be together again since we have all been separated by the pandemic. We laughed and we shed tears. We all shared our favorite memories of my Dad. I was so comforted by my family yesterday and it felt so good to be with the people I love the most. My partner is here (FINALLY) and he was and is my rock, grounding me through the grieving process. I’m so grateful and blessed to have these people in my life when I need them the most. My gratitude includes my dear friends that are scattered across the country and in other places around the world who have sent condolences with love including so many of you my dear readers. From the bottom of my heart, your love means so much to me. Connection is a key in healing because we all experience loss. This is a time we need to lean on each other.

My sister Tami arranged these beautiful flowers

I took this video of myself dancing hours before my partner’s arrival. I absolutely adore Janis Joplin’s style and fiery vocals. My partner often remarks on how I remind him of her so I felt it fitting to dance in tribute to her and my love for all of humanity. I put a piece of my heart into every creative thing I do. If I don’t feel passionate about it, I simply don’t do it. Life is precious and I intend to make the most of my time here doing what I love to do most which is expressing the depths of my creative soul in light and love!

“Piece of My Heart”

In light and in shadow, always with love. If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations or to purchase any of my 4 books of poetry please click the link below or click the Services tab in the menu.
For a personalized autographed copy please send me an email and use my PayPal account for payment. Maria@emotionalmusings.com
https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77
paypal.me/tinyd9

Grief and loss, Healing

Feeling is healing

Often times we do whatever we can to mute, disconnect and halt our feelings. I know this process well my dear readers. Through the trauma, abuse and self destructive ways I attempted to stifle my feelings in the hopes of erasing what was going on, I came to understand there is no way to escape the pain. What I have learned my friends is the only way to truly live is by feeling, for that is healing. Listening to the notes of each heart song, brings me closer to my authentic self and creates a bridge to my soul. To feel is to heal which in turn elevates the soul.

This Saturday my family and I will bid an official farewell to my Dad. My Mom chose to hold the memorial on the same date as their first meeting which was a blind date, 45 years ago. It’s very special for her. I’m honored to be giving a reading during the Catholic mass that will be held in his honor and reciting my poem “Daddy” while the choir director plays “How Great Art Thou” my Dad’s favorite hymn. It’s also three months to the day he breathed his final breath, crossing over to the spirit realm, to be with God and the angels. I’ve been feeling lots of different emotions as you can imagine my dear ones. The difference of focus for me now is that I don’t judge my feelings. I surrender, I accept and I feel them. However they surface, with anger, with tears or with laughter. All of it serves.

Curiously investigating feelings to heal

This poem, “Inner Landscape” was recently named post of the day on the app I use, Mirakee, to create my poems. I have been using this app for over two years and this is the first time I have been recognized by this honor. I must tell you the sheer joy I felt receiving so much love, kindness and support from the writing community on the app and on the social media platforms I shared it on. My hope and prayer is that by sharing my journey of healing, of learning to live by my motto of “Triumphing over Trauma”, I can inspire others to do the same. This is another poem about healing, based upon chakra health which leads to a richness and wealth of well-being.

Chakra health =healing wealth

I would also like to share with you my dear readers a clip from a show I have been binging on Netflix called “The Magicians”. This clip is of the cast singing in remembrance of one of the lead characters, their dear friend who passes away tragically after a magic spell that leads to an unexpected outcome. It really impacted me as I watched it, tears spontaneously fell from my eyes and poured down my face. I’ve heard this song so many times ,yet not in this tempo, which allowed the meaning to shine light upon my own grief. We get such a short amount of time in this life for the people we connect with to leave an indelible mark upon our hearts that we may not recognize until they are gone. We are presented with that choice, to “Take on Me” when we love someone. These special relationships teach us so much. My Dad is the strongest and most humble person I have ever been blessed to know and love. He was a man of few words, the strong and silent type, so when he spoke he commanded attention and you listened. I’m so very honored to be his daughter, getting the opportunity to “take on him”.

Lastly, I will close this post with two other poems that reflect my heart and healing at this time along my journey. I urge each one of you my dear friends, tap into your heart, feel your feelings, heal and continue to discover your authentic self, which is your truth. It’s beautiful. It’s you!

Honor your spirit

In light and in shadow, always with love. If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations or to purchase any of my 4 books of poetry please click the link below or click the Services tab in the menu.
For a personalized autographed copy please send me an email and use my PayPal account for payment.
https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77
paypal.me/tinyd9

Mental health, Spirituality

Steadily climbing a mountain

One of my favorite quotes is by Sir Edmund Hillary, “It’s not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves.” Today this quote really resonates with me. I am acknowledging and giving myself the gift of self love by recognizing how far I have come in only a year. My C-PTSD has been in remission for three and a half years. I have gone from being a mess upon the floor, sobbing and in a dissoactive episode to holding a management position at work while self publishing my own book of poetry. I’m really so very grateful and elated with how truly wonderful it feels to have inner peace and strength within my soul.

On Tuesday my team at work and I witnessed a near fatal car accident right in front of our window. It was the most horrible and terrifying scene I have ever witnessed. The sounds and visuals have left their scar on my heart. The gentleman’s truck looked like God himself crushed it with his hands and dropped it out of the sky onto its roof where it landed. My store is next to the freeway and the driver’s truck came literally flying off the road landing on its roof on the grass across the street from us. Airbags deployed, windows busted out and smoke billowing from it, the truck looked unreal. The five of us dropped what we were doing and immediately ran outside. Three of us called 911 while the my two other younger coworkers ran up to the truck itself. One of them had grabbed our fire extinguisher and used it to smother the smoke and kept a fire from starting. Her heroic actions really moved me. She later admitted that her own father had died in a similar situation so I felt it was a kind of redemption on her part in trying to save this man’s life. The EMT’S pulled him from his vehicle alive and consciousness which is truly miraculous given the circumstances.

For the rest of the day we all kept hugging each other. We used our nervous energy to clean our store to a like new condition. When I closed up Tuesday night I felt a sense of pride for how we coped with the days extraordinary and unusual events. I can honestly say when you witness such an extreme example of life and death in front of your own eyes, while in a job setting it changes your perspective.

Here’s what I took away from Tuesday.

1. Life is too short, each moment is a gift. I will not waste my time with frivolous worries about things out of my control. My time is precious, therefore I must prioritize accordingly.

2. I work with 5 very selfless people who I know have my back in a special way. That feeling is priceless both on a professional and personal level.

3. I am getting stronger. This same situation for my past self would’ve driven me up under the covers for a few days. Left me a puddle of tears and nerves.

4. I can do this……I managed and led people through a crisis. I continued to do my job in a professional manner despite the chaos. We all went back to work serving and assisting our customers.

All in all as I reflect now I can see myself steadily rising up from the ashes of despair and heartache. One foot in front of the other I climb. I keep going even though my mind is screaming “NO” and “you can’t do it”. I’m proving to myself everyday that the challenges I face are all preparing me for greater things. The best is still yet to come which is what gets me out of bed everyday!

I never thought I would achieve success again after so many failures. Attempting suicide, being strangled to within inches of my life on my previous job eight years ago, going through a hell of a divorce, surviving domestic violence and rape, losing touch with my children, being homeless, coping with my fiance’s health issues. The list is lengthy and not for the faint of heart.

Last week I made a life long dream come true all on my own. I self published my first book of poetry. It is available as both an e-book and in paperback through Amazon.com. I have created a small following here with this blog and my writing profile on Instagram called Emotional Musings.

I am currently working on putting together a book signing event here locally with family and friends. Sharing my success with those who have loved, supported and believed in me is such a blessing. It gives me the chills that I have so many wonderfully loving people in my life today.

I’m bursting with positivity and gratitude. And yes…….

I have survived and conquered over myself.

Living my motto, “Triumphing over trauma “.

Mental health, Spirituality

Keeping love alive

Does anybody have a “love hangover” today, the day after Valentine’s Day? I must admit to feeling some aftershocks from being shown so much love yesterday. From the moment I opened my eyes until the moments before I closed them, love was surrounding me and encompassing me in its warmth and glory. Yesterday was a magical day for giving and receiving love from my friends, family and even my customers at the store. Of course my fiance stepped up his game too by making me feel special, very appreciated and of course loved yesterday as we celebrated Valentine’s Day together. All in all I had awesome day!

I know I have written this before in previous blog posts but I must emphasize it again here. My mission in life is to always spread love and kindness to all I encounter along this journey called life. Especially those who need it the most, the downtrodden, forgotten amongst our society. Those who are homeless are a good example of this. I observe those folks getting treated and judged so poorly on a daily basis, it breaks my heart.

I have a confession to make here. About two years ago, my fiance and I found ourselves without a secure living situation. We were homeless for about three months while we lived in our car. We showered at our local YMCA, ate at food pantries and sometimes slept overnight on the beach. It wasn’t easy and the only positive part of it is that at least we were together. I can’t imagine having to bear that time alone on the streets by myself. Some days were better than others. Some days I was so terribly sad and depressed not knowing where we were going to end up and how we were going to rise out of the terrible spot we felt stuck in. Our cell service was cut off too so we became experts at finding and utilizing free WiFi in order to stay in touch with our loved ones.

I have seen life from different angles and perspectives. My experiences have shaped me into the woman I am today. I take nothing for granted and try to be as grateful for everything I have today as I possibly can be on a daily basis. Anything can happen at anytime that can shift one’s world, turning everything upside down. Believe me dear readers, I am living proof of it!

I like to tell others when describing my life that I have lived a few different lives during my lifetime so far these 41 years. My family owned a car dealership while I was growing up and we enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. Then while I was married, my ex-husband was a hardworking blue collar type of guy who usually worked more than one job which afforded me the ability to be a stay at home mother for ten years while my boys were little. Then I went through my divorce and found myself working three jobs to try and survive. As I began having nervous breakdowns that required me to be hospitalized so many times I found myself homeless for the 1st time. I couldn’t afford my rental house because I had lost all of my jobs one by one so I was offered a friend’s couch to sleep on. That experience was extremely humbling, complicated and difficult.

It took me years to rebuild my life after going through so much loss. I have a keen awareness of how much grief and loss can affect a person’s outlook in life. I was basically just trying to survive everyday, I was definitely not thriving. It has taken years of intensive treatment, therapy, healing and rivers of tears to get me to where I am today.

There is not one day that goes by that I don’t pause, allow myself some quiet time to sit and reflect on my past. I whisper Thank you God for keeping me going forward, pushing me even a millimeter more when I wanted to give up. For allowing some wonderful people to come into my life and inspire me to want to do better. For guiding me through the darkness until I could see just a small speck of light. For keeping my faith, hope and belief alive enough so I never quit. There were a few times I did consider ending it all. I thought those who loved me would be better off without the burden of worrying about me, the pain of the disappointment I felt I had become.

Yes dear readers, I have expierienced some very dark days. I have also had the pleasure of feeling some truly amazing moments too. I am grateful for all of it. Without the dark one cannot appreciate the light. Hold on tight to those you love and tell them how you feel. Don’t judge others for there but the grace of God go any of us. Be kind always and act as if God himself is always watching you (because he is) In the end life is short. Love is all that matters. Spread it generously to all everyday and keep love ALIVE๐Ÿ’–

Mental health, Spirituality

Attempting to define patience

I usually feel this way every year at this time. I must admit this year, the feelings are all a little extra. Early January’s weather is partly to blame for this unease. So many truly amazing events are closely on the horizon to take place for me. My heart is beating a little faster and many thoughts are racing quickly through my mind. All of this definitely affects my creative juices as well and I feel I’ve been neglecting my writing. This is the perfect time to try and process it all…. so here it goes.

Early next month I will finally get to see and hug my oldest son! This is a major event over two and a half years in the making. So many intense emotions weigh on my heart. Mostly excitement but also a bit of anxiety which is an emotion I must constantly address daily. I have been so preoccupied with my new position at work that I have had to keep everything going on inside me at bay by doing some extra meditation and light therapy sessions. I have this reoccurring daydream of me running down that long airport gate hallway towards my boy and him picking me up in a tight embrace while tears of joy run down my cheeks. This vision keeps me moving forward yet does little in maintaining my patience for that day to arrive!

I looked up the meaning of patience. The word is defined as “the capacity to accept or tolerate delay, trouble, or suffering without getting angry or upset“. Over these last two and a half years, I can admit to mastering the acceptance part. The not allowing anger or frustration part has proven more challenging. Anger is not something I have ever felt comfortable expressing and I still struggle with how to release it in a healthy way. I usually stuff it down deep and it will eventually come out indirectly at inopportune times. Mostly hurting only me but sometimes those closest to me, as is natural for everybody. I have always taken this emotion out on myself and blame myself for my role in creating the anger in the first place.

In the circumstances dealing with my boys absence from my life, I view it very differently. I know in my heart I have done everything I could to maintain our relationship. The blame falls squarely on my ex-husband’s shoulders and at some point in life he will reap what he has sown. Intellectually I understand that I have no control over him or what he does. My heart still breaks because I still haven’t been able to speak to my youngest son. All I have control over is how I respond to all of this. I must employ patience and also hope in order to survive this heart ache.

Good things do definitely come to those that can wait. Like Nietzsche said, โ€œThat which does not kill us, makes us stronger.โ€ My life is a living testimonial to this truth. All I have endured has most definitely made me a much stronger person. This too shall pass and the rewards on the flip side will be magnificent I am sure.

I also have another major project in the works that should by the end of this month come to fruition. The hard work, energy expelled and time I have given to this endeavor is about to pay off quite handsomely. My fiance and I are on the brink of some major life changes in a super positive way financially if all goes according to plan. All the sacrifices and struggles these past three years will have been worth it when we get to finally taste success.

In the meantime, these next three weeks are crucially important. I must maintain my patience, hope and faith. My first step in achieving this is to focus on my gratitude by waking up each day and saying thank you to God. At the end of each day I allow myself some quiet time to again say thank you God. My understanding of spirituality has grown tremendously during these past seven years and I will never forget what got me to this point. My belief and faith in a higher power that governs us all. The lessons that God put in front of me to learn from are priceless. By walking this path, guided by hope, I have almost reached the other side and I finally see that light at the end of this dark tunnel.

Events and circumstances such as mine have the potential to harden a person, making them bitter. As for me it has produced only a stronger resolve in my faith and gratitude. I lead by kindness and love because I know what hate does. I refuse to let anything that happens to me change who I am in my core. I am a healer, a lover and a friend to all. Learning to have patience has been and will continue to be a wonderful gift from our creator. Namaste my dear readers โœŒ