It’s been a rough week for me my dear readers. Obviously with what’s going on in our world and being an intuitive empath, I have been picking up on all the feelings and emotional energy of others. The following are a few quick videos of me and lastly a poem I just finished. My hope for us all.
Feelin more like myself. Taking each day as it comes. This morning as I sat in meditation, I started sobbing. Not necessarily tears of sadness or joy just a release, a non judgemental one that took days to flow through me. It’s important to allow whatever is coming up….be it energetically, emotionally, physically or spiritually…..resist the urge to shut it down, numb out or dissociate from it. It’s all normal right now y’all. We are ALL TOGETHER AS A WORLD experiencing major life changes.
I love you all and am sending out the purest of loving intentions from my ❤ to your ❤
This is my latest mantra for peace, health and unity for all of us right now. For our world🌎❤🦋🙏😊✌
Yesterday I wrote about my fellow blog friend’s idea of posting under the hashtag #Momentsofjoy, so here it is my dear readers. The story that unfolds is one I have never recounted before yet I hold it very near and dear to my heart❤
It’s a mixture of both sorrow and pain coupled with happiness and joy. Every ounce of it sprinkled with genuine love straight from my soul.
In 2010 my ex-husband and I were living in New Jersey, specifically at the home I grew up in from 1977 until 1996 when I graduated high school and left for college. In 2008 however, we found ourselves part of the financial and homeowner’s crisis in the United States having to negotiate with our mortgage company and begging them to allow us to short sale the house we had purchased in 2003. After achieving the go ahead to close on the property, we gathered our things and moved from Rhode Island to Northern New Jersey. My parents were living part of the time in Florida then. Where I’m from, we call them snowbirds. Retired folks that spend the winter months down South and the warmer months up in the North.
It was May of 2010 when my ex-husband told me quite matter of factly that he had put in for a job transfer back up to the New England area he was just given the news on the new location he would be reporting to that July! Mind you my dear readers, all of this was done without consulting me at all. I knew he couldn’t stand life in general in New Jersey. In stark contrast, I was in heaven! I was living in my childhood home, back hanging around with my many friends from my school days and having both of my boys attend the schools that I went too! It was a glorious time for me. I was also teaching dance at the studio that raised me and gave me the knowledge and opportunities for a professional dance career. I was living my best life up until that day he ordered me to start looking for a rental home.
In hindsight I can now see at that point how quickly I slipped into robotic mode, putting his needs before my own. Anyhow, I jumped on the web and reached out to a few real estate agents asking for their assistance in finding us a house to rent in just 2 months time. The pressure was on as we spent every weekend traveling up to RI from NJ to look at different properties. It was grueling and very time consuming.
In late June during one of these weekends we were shown the most darling beach cottage on a dead end road across from a private beach. Even though it was just a one bedroom Cape, it’s charm had all 4 of us immediately smitten and we signed a one year lease on the spot! I knew how special this property was and I wasn’t going to lose it! This picture captures the ambiance perfectly both in and around the cottage 🏡
In early July 2010, I think it may have been the 4th of July weekend even, my family of 4 along with our cat Moses moved from NJ to our new beach cottage in RI. I like to joke around by calling myself a professional nomad. I have moved over 20 times in my adult life and it doesn’t take me much effort anymore to move. I have whittled my personal belongs down to a few suitcases and a few boxes of keepsakes. At this time however it was still quite an undertaking moving 2 adults, 2 small children with our cat across state lines.
I must admit, our 1st weekend inhabiting that cottage was 100% magnificent! Quiet, peaceful and invigorating. I loved being able to walk right across the street to find unending opportunities for peace and happiness. Each and every day taught us new things like when the tide was going in or out, what kind of fish and shellfish was to be found at different points along Narragansett Bay. All of it delicious and right in our own backyard. The beach was really just for residents which made it very private and allowed me to feel extremely grateful for where I had found myself after two years of heartache. I don’t wish the hell I felt after losing my home to the mortgage company bank upon even my worst enemy. The powers that be made my life a living and breathing reoccurring nightmare until that final day when we dotted the i and crossed that t during the closing paperwork.
We enjoyed several months of bliss in that cottage as a family. Again, looking back upon that time I can see anything but peace for me personally. I was wrestling with my mental illness, the slow loss of reality that ended up leading to my suicide attempt in November of 2011.
You’re probably scratching your head dear readers like, hmmmmm she said this was supposed to be highlighting #Momentsofjoy? Yes, I digress since I still have regrets and reservations over this particular time in my life. I vow to my audience to always be authentic and real about any part of my life and this time is no different. The years of 2008 until 2013 were the hardest, most sobering and dark times of my entire life. Since this is the 1st time I have truly written about it, I ask you dear readers to forgive the perspective I have now which is still sadness and shame despite the beautiful gift that living there truly was for me. Even today.
I absolutely LOVED this beach cottage. I felt at peace there and I relished every morning when I woke up, window open to hear the seagulls cry, smell the saltwater air drench my senses and look out to sun spectacular sand! It was like living in paradise every damn day. I would open every window and practice yoga. It was marvelously grounding and filled my days with joy. When I’m asked what my happy place is, I immediately recall my beach cottage and its beach. Ahhhhhh, OM🧘♀️
Even after the separation from my ex-husband I worked 3 jobs just to be able to afford the rent and utility payments there. I lasted almost 2 full years living there alone making all the money I could to keep afloat my dream home. To me, I was keeping the dream alive for not only myself but for my boys who were just 6 and 10 at the time. I didn’t want for them to see their mother failing even though in many ways I was.
These are the benches I sat on gazing out at the water and asking God for the answers🙏
In early 2012, I was forced to give up my paradise. I was blessed enough to have a friend offer his couch to me for the next 8 months while I tried to get my life back together. I took a job in sales working for a high end clothing line at that time. I spent my last day in that house taking pictures and sitting on these benches giving my hopes up to God.
Now, 8 years later I can say how much I learned about myself during that time. I’m not easily a quitter. I don’t take NO for an answer the 1st few times. My resilience fuels my passion for what I love and hold dear. I am proud of myself for how long I hung on even when I knew I would have to make a choice that I didn’t necessarily want to or agreed with at first.
In life, we do what we have to. We fight the good fight for as long as it makes sense. Nowadays, I don’t spin my wheels as much. I make smarter choices for my own emotional and spiritual energy and health. Everything in life is a lesson my dear readers. In the end, I don’t regret anything even though I wrote that I do, I release it with thos post and feel infinitely blessed to have had the moments of happiness and joy the beach cottage on 5 Nichol Ave brought me❤🏡🥰
It’s the last day of March and wow what a month this has been! It feels more like a year my dear readers. If somebody had told me where we’d all be finding ourselves today (quarantined in our homes) in the 1st week of March, I wouldn’t have believed it. I have been doing my best to allow whatever feeling or emotion that pops up to flow through although the past two days I have been feeling really tired. I have given myself permission to do absolutely nothing. Take my energy engines down yo neutral and regroup, nap and do mindless activities like binge tbe latest series on Netflix🎬 The weather has turned back to clouds and rain here in Dallas which always translates into sheer laziness for me😉
In my last post I mentioned the sheer frustration I was feeling in getting my Covid-19 test results. Finally, early Monday morning I found out I tested negative. Phew! The amount of relief I feel that such a weight has been lifted. I don’t think I realized how much I was internalizing, fear wise until I read the report again twice. It was an overwhelming sense of release because Lincoln and I had been at each other understandably with so much unknown. It’s like we both stopped white knuckling life. I believe that’s why I’m so tired now. I’m still unraveling the ability I have to dissociate from uncomfortable feelings. This situation has given me another opportunity to learn that doing that doesn’t serve me very well. I’m in the throws of an emotional hangover🤪 and usually I would be beating myself up for it……now not so much. Being gentle with myself is a much better way of handling it.
“Highest self” describes the place within ourselves where we can operate and make decisions based in our own best interests. It takes practice y’all and is ever unfolding and shifting. Self healing is never over and we never completely master any part of our psyche. Since life is cyclical we are presented with an ever deepening understanding in each area of our lives that requires our attention in new ways throughout our existence here as the humans we embody. I chose to believe I am a spirit,a soul having a human experience. We are multidimensional. Getting in touch with each part of myself is the greatest adventure.
I am a naturally upbeat and positive person. However, I still have my moments of anger, sadness and fear etc. I don’t allow myself to stay stuck in any one feeling or emotion these days because I continue to do the inner work required to live a happier and more peaceful life. I was once very disassociated from my own feelings because as a HSP, they seemed too big and overwhelming. As an intuitive empath, I chose to focus solely on the feelings of others. This did so much harm to my body, mind and spirit while wreaking havoc upon my life. My transformation to the better place I now find myself in started 10 years ago.
Again, it takes lots if practice and time. With our current situation, we all have plenty of that. Ask yourself why you feel uncomfortable looking at certain parts of yourself. Get in there and meet yourself. Give yourself a chance to grow and evolve during this forced reset our world is in. Start the transformation. There’s no time like the present. I believe that is what we are all being called to do right now. It’s the only way to survive this my loves.
Yesterday was my nephew Nick’s 18th birthday and I wrote this for him to officially welcome him into adulthood. I am honored to be his aunt and watch him grow. He has grown into such an awesome human being. HBD 🎉Much love always Nick ❤
One of the things that has kept me going is connecting to my creativity. I have such a passion for dance and I try to set aside some time for a little solo dance party in my apartment no matter what💃
Continuing my solo dance party loves. I was blessed to travel around with The Grateful Dead in the 90s with my best friend Lynn and a bunch of our other friends from high school. Here I am grooving to “Shakedown Street”. What are you up to my dear readers?
I’m also really appreciate many of my friends, family and followers repost my poem, “Love marathon”. This is my wish for our world right now. I share it now again in this post as a way of injecting more love and positivity into our Universe 🌎
In my next post I have taken inspiration from my dear friend and fellow blogger Erika Kind of Share Your Light and I will be sharing the story of the favorite place I have ever lived. That place came quickly to mind because ten years ago I rented a beach cottage on a private beach in Rhode Island. To this day, that home is the only place I ever felt truly at home at besides the house I grew up in. I adored that beach cottage with all it’s windows, natural light and sea drenched air. So many beautiful views from all around that property because it was right across the street from the beach itself that was open to the residents only. I really love Erika’s idea of posting something that brought joy and happiness in life. It’s part of her recent post you can check it out here and join us under the hashtag #Momentsofjoy
This post has been trying to manifest itself for sometime my dear readers. With this ever changing situation our entire world is in, coupled with the spiritual growth I myself have been experiencing, HOLY MOLY y’all!!!! The messages, downloads actually, come so intensely at times it overwhelms my entire system. This week as I sat in Mother Nature’s excellence, I was finally able to piece together all of what was being revealed to me. I’m so grateful to have been able to finally sit with it all to make sense out of it😊
It is said that we attract what we need in this life and I firmly agree. The relationships I cultivate are exactly what I need to learn and gain wisdom from. For a very long time I brought in others who were broken, narcissistic and displayed deep sociopathic behaviors. Yet after this summer’s breakthrough, I see everything from a new light. I thank our God and creator for that whole heartedly. The perspective of “victim and why me” is now thank God me, what is this meant to be teaching me? I feel like my soul is this giant sponge just soaking up the energy of others to be nurtured into a more acceptable and loveable Maria❤
We are all interconnected and only together do we rise. Plug yourself into a soul tribe, learn from others and in turn gain an inner wisdom that is your own soul’s language. My dear reader’s that is what this down time has taught me. Whenever I am feeling resistance to what, specifically my partner whom I have been forced to be with 24/7 in a very small space is saying (at times shouting at me) I can go outside and say ah-ha!!! The stubborn Itialian girl inside needed to hear that. I needed to see that side of my own ego thinking to be able to accept that there is always another way of looking at the world 🤗
I feel very blessed to have so much quiet time lately. Tuning into my own natural rhythm and parsing out just what I make of the world around me. Going deeper. That is always my destination. As my son Ty would say, wow Mom that’s deep. Yes my dear it is and it’s only there that the truth lies. Whether I’m bouncing off the walls exercising, tap dancing or sun bathing in my backyard…..the Universe is constantly sending me affirmations and synchronization of prior messages as if to say “keep going, you are on the right path my dear.” As a devoted student of this spiritual journey, I bow my head and oblige 🙌
The things that have brought this naturally high vibe, extroverted and upbeat woman an abundance of peace has been maintaining my routine. Like my partner Lincoln asked once, “does spirituality take a day off?” In response I shook my head casually and said “Nope baby.” Everyday I open my eyes and charge forward with a real conviction to meet my soul wherever I am at and in that moment. Here is a small list of what I do before I begin interacting with the world around me:
Open Mark Nepo’s “The Book of Awakening” to read that day’s passage
Putting the chakra balancing crystals upon my chakra points while I turn on the SoundHeal app, sitting quietly for 10-15 minutes in whichever frequency I feel suits me in that moment.
After that I grab my journal and pour out my thoughts without thinking, judging or stopping. I believe in free association writing in the morning so I can get in touch with whatever my soul is connecting with at that moment. My dear readers, I can’t express to you how much these practices have meant to me over the last 9 months and how much inner wisdom I have gained from allowing myself to go in whatever direction is necessary. Working up that spiritual muscle 💪is needed for when I am called into battle as the human vessel I embody in this life. It’s all gravy or a cherry on top, however one chooses to see it🍨
This morning I was served the first test of my patience as I awaited the test results from the Covid19 test I had administered to me on Tuesday. My brother in law drove my partner and I to a drive through testing facility in downtown Dallas where they stuck a q-tip up to my brain space quite literally to retrieve a sample of my mucus membranes. I was then told to wait 2-3 days for a phone call giving me the results. This morning at 8:22 AM I answered that call only to find out that the person who took down my information had made an error in documenting my address (yes, I know what you’re thinking dear readers, why wasn’t my driver’s license scanned digitally) Without being able to verify me properly, even by my driver’s license number (I offered it too) I would have to wait for a call back🙄
I’m not someone who accepts NO for an answer. So I went about calling any official number I could find, even finally speaking to a supervisor at the state of Texas board of health to not only tell them of my story but to ask how I retrieve the result. In the meantime, 5 plus hours of frustration ensued. My partner and I are quarantined in our small apartment with no hot water (that’s another story for another time) his mother and aunt who are elderly and immune deficient are alone in the main house without our help and his brother has been banished to a room in his house all because we don’t know for sure if I have this dreaded virus 🤬
One more avenue I exhausted was registering myself on the website of the lab who administered the test only to find out that there were no known lab results for me. As of 5:45 PM, the time I am writing this post, I still have no answers. At this point, can I trust the result to even be accurate?
I share all of this to express to you all that we truly have very little control over what happens in our world. Even when we follow the guidelines and do what we are instructed. The only real truth is what lies within our soul. There lies our true North star and whatever I find there is what God wants for me to know and understand. I trust in that. I am guided by love and driven by faith🙏
I will leave you with this my dear readers. After my morning of frustration and aggravation, I put on my favorite music and got my workout on!! Sweating out all the crap I can’t change or control. Dancing to my favorite tunes until I was thoroughly exhausted and expressed💃
A great man who helped to shape the music industry in our world, Mr. Quincy Jones said this and I firmly agree…..”Not one drop of my self worth depends on your acceptance of me”
Ah my dear readers, here we all are…..at home. My fiance and I are sharing space here in our small apartment which at times seems smaller than it really is if you know what I mean🤪 Thankfully the weather here in Dallas has been absolutely gorgeous, sunshine with crystal clear blue skies allowing me to spend a lot of time in my backyard by myself. Feeling one with nature as I sit in self reflection. Here is some of the beauty Mother nature has shared with me over the past 2 days….
Just last evening at dusk while I was gazing up at this tree in my neighbor’s backyard….I came up with this poem📝
I have been using my free time quite constructively, squeezing all of the creative juices I can muster into my passions. I made pasta primavera for lunch and then afterwards I felt inclined to lace up my tap dance shoes for a bit of toe tapping💃
I’ve told y’all before that I am a Jersey girl, half Italian, Puerto Rican and Venezuelan with a splash of Polish. During these uncertain times we must keep our spirits up and tap our toes to the rhythm of our soul….mine’s extra seasoned y’all💃🤗❤✌
This post focuses on the lighter side of this forced down time aka 24/7 with my partner. Honestly it hasn’t always been a ball of laughter and smiles. Tomorrow I plan on writing a more serious and insightful post that looks at how very challenging this time has been for my fiance and I. It’s been over eighteen months since we have had this much down time AND spent this much time with each other with no reprieve. As much as we love each other….oh boy have we both gotten in each other’s space in an annoying way 🙄 Lincoln holds the title of being the only man I have ever allowed get close enough to me to even urk my nerves. But that’s for tomorrow’s post my dear readers.
For tonight, let me leave you with this. This is what is printed across the shirt that I’m wearing in the tap dancing video:
GIVE LOVE ❤ SHARE LAUGHTER 🤣 GROW PLANTS 🌱 FIND PEACE ✌ CHASE DREAMS 🌠 SPREAD HOPE🙏
Hey y’all!! I returned back here to Texas from Florida late Sunday night. I gave myself permission to rest and do nothing yesterday which is a real challenge for me having the amount of energy I do 😜 The weather cooperated however and was quite dreary with rain, inviting me to lay under the covers, snuggle with my partner while we watched movies🎬 one of my favorite down time activities.
The clouds parted and the sun was shining bright today here my dear readers! YAY, I am a huge sun lover 😉 I must express how welcoming this felt here since Dallas has been under rain storms for over two weeks now 🌞 I made my daily morning shake using these supplements. Took my vitamins, put on my work out clothes and headed into my backyard😎
First I read my daily affirmations, repeating them once over with my eyes closed. Then I read a page under today’s date in Mark Nepo’s “Book of Awakening” which focused on growing even in darkness. Ah Mr. Nepo, how your words hit so close to home today. I would be lying if I said that the current state of our world hasn’t gotten me rattled and worried. As an intuitive empath, the energy swirling around me affects me differently throughout the day. I am doing my best, my damndest to allow my emotions to flow through without getting stuck on the fear or sadness too much. My anxiety is amped up however, I do have CPTSD and it feels more intense lately in a new way my dear readers.
I spent three hours out there in solitude and it felt wonderful❤ I balanced my chakras using my crystal set too. Putting all of my energy into keeping my thoughts light and positive. Here’s a little video I took afterwards featuring my latest mantra🧘♀️
I am centered. I am balanced. I am encased in white light. I radiate love from the inside out. I am alright🥰
Out for a run today by the beach and it dawned on me that this world right now needs a huge boost of love❤ Our current situation with this virus is calling for a marathon of energy not a spirit my friends. Sending love out to you all, stay safe🥰
If anybody would like to reblog this please do
A poem with this intention can really help others and our world needs all the love it can get right now! We can never have to much love!!