Spirituality

I don’t want to

This will be another short post. I want to share with you my dear readers what a blessing it is to write and have the ability to channel my energy into my poems. At times, when emotions are running hot…that’s when my creativity comes alive. I write this one just last night.

Emotional pain yields breakthrough in my creative process

This poem below is a message from my inner child, my little Maria to my adult self. Healing is a process that has taken a deeper dive into all the facets of self. Some people name their alter ego, I have not but lately have been considering it. Just to keep them straight. I know my partner likes to refer to me by a different name when I’m displaying characteristics that are unsavory. I keep pushing myself to uncover, untangle and help my true authentic self emerge more and more often😁💜

Spirituality

This is me

Spoke with a girlfriend of mine yesterday and she inspired me to show more of my personality in all that I share online especially my theatrical side. Those who know me in real life know how much I love to dance, it’s my deepest passion that started at 2 yrs of age.  At one point in my life I wanted to dance on Broadway. I trained intensely for many years, quit suddenly at 16, throwing it all away. (I will get into why in later posts) I’m pushing myself back into that world since my 2nd dream of being a writer has been realized because I self published my book of poetry last year for Amazon, “Emotional Musings”and I operate this blog. …..now it’s time to get back into dance.

Solo dance party💃🎉



This past weekend I took my first ballet class in over 10 years. Last evening I took a jazz/funk class. Both classes were equally amazing, kickin my🍑

I’m determined to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone because I feel alive when I’m dancing and listening to music. I feel the most ME that I have ever felt, since probably high school. Despite my tech blunders and disorganized room (who cares right?) I keep doing it.
I also started a little project. I painted my first mini canvas yesterday with a poem on it. Who knows where it will go but the point is I’M DOING IT!! Live your life out loud and without self consciousness. It feels A-MAZING 🥰💜🙌

Spirituality

Visions proclaiming my future path

My dear readers, as I write this my heart is swelling with excitement, gratitude and so much joy! This past week has been one of the most incredible and validating as well as amazing experiences I have ever had! Buckle up as I explain just how my journey has elevated, and brought me to a whole new level in my spiritual journey and awakening. We are multidimensional spiritual beings having a human experience here on Earth. There are layers to this thing called life and boy, did I see it front and center this week play out in real time in my own life. This is going to be a long post so hang with me🙏

I have been communicating openly with my spirit guides now for some time asking them to show me signs that they are in fact real and have my back. My roots are Italian, Puerto Rican and Venezuelan. My father is 100% Italian and our family is from Calabria. We embody the characteristic of Calabrese meaning hard headed, stubborn. I tell you this because I need to have things banged over my head for me to believe them. Just ask my fiance, he gets quite frustrated with me at times over how many times he has to repeat himself for me to understand certain things. Just the other day while in the boutique I manage, I was speaking out loud and asked, “hey spirits are you here with me”? Some time passed and then all of a sudden a HoneyBun dropped off the shelf from a place that had a secure lip, there was no way this thing could of fallen unless it was knocked off there. Needless to say, this week my spirit guides showed up 4 times in major ways 4 days in a row!

All of my visions so far have happened outside, in nature, in my backyard. To date there have been 7 separate ones. Thursday’s vision started much like the last one. I’m watching the sky and all of a sudden hundreds of twinkling white lights come floating down from the sky. Some of them get so close almost touching my face! The feeling that I immediately get is like a giant warm hug from the Universe. Tears fall from my face like a waterfall. It’s awe inspiring and beautiful and I can’t pull my eyes away. But this vision is just the tip of the iceberg because Friday’s vision blew me away!

I must tell you my dear readers that I have incorporated an app on my phone called SoundHeal into my daily meditation practice and I love it! There are eleven Solfeggio (an ancient 6 tone scale)different frequency settings that help influence healing on the following topics:

174 Hertz reduces pain both emotional and physical

285 Hertz influences energy fields and skincare

295.8 Hertz aids improves metabolism by dissolving fat cells and helping you lose weight

396 Hertz helps in reducing guilt and fear balancing the root chakra

417 Hertz facilitates change in our energy field reducing negativity and balancing the sacral chakra

432 Hertz influences cosmic healing since it is the vibrational frequency of everything in nature, a source of overall health and well being

528 Hertz aids in DNA regeneration by boosting self confidence and is said to be the miracle tone that balances the solar plexus chakra

639 Hertz influences our spiritual connection by opening our heart chakra, aiding with problems in love and relationships

741 Hertz aids in expression and solution by balancing our throat chakra, cleansing cells and detoxification of the body so we can be more connected and lead a more spiritual life

852 Hertz unifies the spiritual order of everything by connecting us to our third eye chakra or our logical mind, intuition to receive more messages from the past or future

963 Hertz awakens and balances us and is said to help reach a state of Nirvana and oneness by putting us into a perfect state to connect and balance our crown chakra which helps us to understand everything around us, raising our own Kundalini, the energy of consciousness

In addition to these tones that help balance the mind, body and spirit placing us in perfect harmony are imedded sounds of nature including AUM (OM chanting), beach, fire,river,rain,wind,thunder,birds and singing bowl.

I mix them all up depending on how I’m feeling and what I want to tweak. Mostly I stick to cosmic healing adding AUM, rain and singing bowl. Lately too I have been adding in birds because I find their tweets and calls very calming and peaceful. It is suggested to listen daily for at least 3 to 7 minutes to observe changes and I don’t do more than 15 at a sitting. After I’m finished, a friend of mine suggested that I go out into nature and put my back against something solid like a rock or tree to ground the tones into my body.

If you understand that our entire world is made up of energy you can see how tuning your body to different frequencies helps it heal. I recently watched the entire first season of “The Goop Lab with Gwyneth Paltrow” on Netflix. Since 2008, her company Goop has been exploring alternative and holistic treatments to enhance and extend life in healthy ways. There are two episodes that I found fascinating and really enjoyed because they are based on energy field body work and psychic abilities. I highly recommend watching, “The energy experience” and “Are you Intuit”. I would love to discuss these topics with you my dear readers so please feel free to leave your comments below⬇️

https://www.netflix.com/title/80244690?s=a&trkid=13747225&t=cp

Onto Friday….Friday was the first day I was able to try this new grounding technique because our weather had finally cleared up from rain to sunshine and I believe this tip changed the game for me! There are benches made of cement in my backyard so I wrapped my wolf howling at the moon blanket around me (my Mom bought it for my oldest son and he gave it to me because it is quite small for him) which I now refer to as my vision cloak, and laid upon the bench. At first just my spirit guides appeared, floating around me dancing in the air. Then I turned my gaze towards the sun and OMG I saw dark shadows that morphed into a bird like creature, they switched positions around the sun creating a propeller type of motion. Then that vanished and an eruption like a volcano came shooting out of the sun forming a heart in deep purple colors that then turned to bright white beams and flashes. I felt my mouth hang open as I couldn’t take my eyes off of the Sun. Finally after an hour of being out there just staring I walked back into my apartment. I quickly did a Google search on visions out of the Sun and this is what I learned.

According to ancient Indian medicine, there are these vein like threads called Nadis that carry Prana or life force energy throughout our bodies and connect directly to our chakras. Nadis weave through these channels or pathways to our physical nerves as well as the circuitry of the mind, of self and our consciousness matrix that supports our physical presence from invisible dimensions of existence. I learned that the Sun-solar energy is distinctly male energy while our Moon-lunar energy is female. So, Sushumna (chakra system)which is the central channel of energy in the human body that runs from the base of our spine to the crown of our head carrying Kundalini energy can only flow freely once Ida and Pingala Nadis are balanced and clear creating an increase in spiritual growth thus shifting my being from my mind’s thinking to my heart…to me this means I have now entered into a state of love and abundance leaving my thinking or fear based mind behind.

This combination of placing my chakra crystals upon my chakra points while using the sound healing tones have awakened these areas of my body thus raising my self awareness and helping me reach a higher level of consciousness, like another spiritual awakening. This makes two major shifts and elevations in my journey in just eight months! I have now leveled up! I have done the work and continue to stick to my rituals and practices. Now I’m reaping the rewards!

I also learned that gazing at the sun is called fractal enlightenment and stimulates the pineal gland. Using the sun’s energy I have charged my hypothalamus tract through my eyes which is the pathway to the rear of the retina leading to my brain. This practice also powers my brain by boosting serotonin and melatonin levels which are the happy hormones, relieves stress and tension, activates my third eye so that I can perceive higher dimensions, increases my energy levels, has been proved to actually increase the size of the pineal gland, reduces hunger pangs since body is being essentially nourished by the sun, improves eyesight and finally opens these Nadis energy channels!!

On Saturday I did the same thing as Friday morning. This time, as I gazed lovingly into the Sun all of a sudden I saw these weird geometric shapes with roses and flowers attached to them. I began to cry, sob really as I took a mental photograph of this vision. I attended a free yoga class at a new studio here in Dallas called NAMA fitness, which I highly reccomend. Before my class I was chatting with the instructor from the previous class and she was discussing the discomfort she was experiencing from her new tattoo that she had just gotten on the inside of her arm. Our chat sparked my curiosity so I asked to see it. Low and behold, it was those same geometric shapes and flowers that I saw not an hour earlier!! Holy crap my dear readers, this revelation floored me😯

Sunday was an overcast day for us here in Dallas when I ventured back to the bench. I lay there for a few minutes before getting called to sit on a large log behind our greenhouse. I turned my head to the right and was immediately struck by a cloud formation that quickly morphed into an angel, then a butterfly and finally a huge shamrock. I spoke aloud without hesitation and said, “Hi Nana”!! I have written here before about how my dear Nana, my mother’s mother is my guardian angel. She passed away almost fifteen years ago on St. Patrick’s Day. She has always appeared to me as a butterfly whenever I need a bit of cheering up. Without fail, I will ask for her and sure enough every single time, even when I’m not in a garden setting or a place where it’s common to see a butterfly, there she is within arms reach. She has even appeared when I have been out walking with my fiance and landed upon his arm for a bit. I remember saying to him that Nana wanted to meet you and say hello.

Sunday afternoon I attended my first ballet class in over ten years. It was glorious and terrifying, challenging and triggering all at the same time. There were times within that hour and a half class that I wanted to run out the door but little inner child Maria, the one who was pushing me to get back into the dance studio to begin with, refused to quit and walk out. It was invigorating and gave me such a sense of accomplishment when it was over. I floated out of class on the same clouds that I saw Nana emerge from. I treated myself to a coffee and did a bit of grocery shopping before I called a Lyft to take me home.

When I got into my car, the driver asked how my day was and then asked if I knew what was going on. I was immediately struck with a pang of fear and I said that I didn’t. I make it a point to not look at my phone when I’m on these excursions with myself so that I can stay in and enjoy the moment. He broke the news that Kobe Bryant was just killed in a helicopter accident along with eight other people including his 13 year old daughter. Immediately, my mind went to my vision on Saturday of the bird, propeller type shadows with the heart shaped volcano explosion. My heart sank and I started to cry as I realized how absolutely tragic and sad this news is while also realizing these visions are premonitions of future events.

I must tell you dear readers that I have always been very intuitive but lately my intuition has been extremely active and on point! I gave advice to a friend of mine, a fellow empath, over a social media message the other day and she admitted that what I said was verbatim the exact same message she received from a medium she sees! I predicted my son’s day at work for him recently. He was injured and I told him the kind of day he could expect. Later that day he was so shocked when he told me that my predictions were 100% correct. He then asked me if I am a wizard!! Aren’t all mothers anyways 🤣

Lastly dear readers I want to leave you with where I believe all of these visions and heightened states of awareness are bringing me and why. I recently watched a webinar on Shamanic healing and my dear friend, Lindsey Luna aka @soul.healing.with.luna on Instagram is one. She is also a Reiki master. She is willing to let me start an apprenticeship under her as she teaches and guides me into learning how to become a Shamanic healer!! Since watching the webinar, I have been consulting with my guides and it’s been confirmed that this is where my path is bringing me. In the future, I want to do both writing and healing full time. It’s my calling. My purpose. It is why I have survived all the trauma that threatened to kill me at many stages throughout my life. I now live to heal others through my testimony and my gifts. The amount of gratitude that is pouring out from my heart as I write this is bringing tears to my eyes. My soul’s purpose has been revealed and I’m more than ready to answer the call. Lead the way spirit as I trust the Universe to always have my back. This self healing life is abundantly beautiful

💜🙏🌈🌠💃😁

Mental health, Spirituality

To love is to live

My dear readers, have you ever woke up to a certain song stuck in your head? I did this morning and the way my mind works I’m always so curious as to where it came from. I grew up with my mother playing a lot of John Denver and American folk music in our house. The song that popped in and kept replaying was “Annie’s song”. That’s still one of my Mother’s favorites and I must admit mine too. Whenever I hear it I want to run through a brighly colored meadow or hike up a mountain. The whimsical visions that are sparked in my mind are so clearly an ode to love and nature. Lately, it’s a love affair with myself and my new found self love Imthat I’m so interested in exploring. I envision myself holding hands with my younger self running through that meadow and the look on the face of that little girl inside me.

Life has a way within its ebbs and flow to present me with what I need to consider more of and work on when it cones to either delving deeper into shadow work or exploring more and caring for my inner child. Lately, it’s the latter I have been being reminded of. I’m not sure if I have published my real name yet on this blog but it’s Maria. My full given birth name is Maria Teresa Pratico. Little Maria has been begging for my attention lately and wants to be nurtured. My legal last name is Swanson and I chose to not change that when I went through my divorce because I wanted my boys to see us as still being a family. Now i choose to use my maiden name because it resonates more within me. The Swanson in me was a robotic force and Pratico is more of my true identity.

After the realization I had in June of the abuse that I suffered it’s like a whole new part of me has been awakened and is demanding my attention. I must tell you my dear readers, my own years of therapy, the countless books and articles I have read on processing emotions has taught me that when our feelings are not properly realized and our emotional moods go unexpressed, over time it creates a real issue that just continues to hold us more and more captive. This is especially true when it comes to trauma, the more we stuff and repress the harder and heavier our bodies get holding onto that energy. That’s what having sessions of EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) therapy has helped me to release. However, there are other ways my inner child wants to be recognized and reparented in order to fully integrate her into my body. In his book, “The body keeps the score,” Bessel van der Kolk writes about unresolved trauma from a neuroscience perspective and explains why traumatized people experience incomprehensible anxiety, inexplicable numbing and intolerable rage, and how trauma impacts concentration, memory, and the ability to form trusting relationships. These are symptoms that our bodies display because it’s been holding onto that energy, trapped in our body.

For so much of my life, I operated in an auto-pilot unconscious state of being. Now it feels like I was almost two separate people. The me before and the me now. I wasn’t awake, I lacked self love, self confidence, I doubted myself in almost every situation and really I can admit I wasn’t really living! I held myself back so much by choosing to focus more on other people’s feelings and emotions, their problems in hopes that if I could fix them I would be loved. Now I know that the only person who can give me the full attention, fulfillment and happiness I crave is me. It’s not an external process and doesn’t come from material things. I feel like I’m really living and in doing so I am living out loud, unapologetically and on purpose. Speaking my mind and my truth in my loudest voice whether or not it makes some people uncomfortable and disagree with me…all of it! If you don’t like it, look away and step out of my way because nobody will become my next excuse for not taking care of myself or stopping me now. At 42 years old, I have stifled myself for far too long and it’s my time to shine!

With it being a new year and a brand new decade, I made a promise with myself to do the things that made me uncomfortable. Right now this includes getting more and more comfortable with uncomforbility. I started recording video confessionals on my social media that I call, Maria’s Musings. I’ve never been a fan of myself in pictures and video because I’m so critical of my looks and my voice. No more!! I even record myself without makeup, dressed in my pajamas or workout clothes. It’s me being me and loving myself every step of the way. You can find me on Instagram @emotionalmusings. I checked off a goal on my vision board too by doing my first poetry slam over the weekend. I performed my poem, “Glimpses” which is a tribute to my dear Nana who is now one of my spirit guides who appears to me as a butterfly🦋

“Glimpses”
For my Nana

The new me has confused some people in my world and one person in particular is my partner. He gets upset with my new and total focus on myself at times because he is so used to me putting others, like him first. This has created a lot of friction between us. In the last five months we have argued more than the last six and a half years of our entire relationship together! I have disclosed in previous posts that he is also someone living with severe mental illness stemming from traumatic brain injuries and the many concussions he sustained while playing professional football.

https://www.dallasobserver.com/news/lincoln-coleman-former-cowboys-running-back-struggles-with-effects-of-head-trauma-10983207

Another harsh reality he faces are the facts that have been well publicized about the connection between traumatic brain injuries and CTE (chronic traumatic encephalopathy)which is a neurodegenerative disease caused by repeated head injuries. The symptoms may include behavioral problems, mood problems, and problems with thinking. These symptoms typically do not begin until years after the injuries. CTE often gets worse over time and can result in dementia.

It’s creates quite a challenge for him as he has watched many players die or commit suicide by shooting themselves in the heart so that their brains can be studied. Recently, he lost another player to suicide and when he told me, the look in his eyes rattled me to my core in a very deep way. Our connection and bond is so strong and to think of losing him in anyway but especially in that way terrifies me! Then I start examining everything he is doing and saying in a more critical way. The empath in me has had to learn how to actively block him so I don’t get caught up in his energy and thoughts.

Lately, it’s all been too much for me and my own regularly shifting fast moving energy collided and had in a way a head on collision with his energy and BAM! Making life decisions based in fear is never a good idea and results in undesirable outcomes. It’s my nature to love and accept others. That must include both myself currently and his reality too. All of that became entirely too much to handle last week. We had a bad blowout that resulted in both of us saying things we didn’t mean and I ended our relationship.

I also allowed this overly active fear and emotional state to spill over into my job as a manager for a dear friend of mine’s boutique. Without going into details, I did something that I shouldn’t have that could of put the business in jeopardy. My emotional state had me not thinking straight when I made this mistake. Then I went further into crash and burn mode by telling her I was quitting and gave my two weeks notice abruptly and without any warning which hurt my girlfriend’s feelings badly. I know now what I did could’ve had irreparable damage to their livelihood and our great friendship. Taking stock of the situation took some serious sole searching on my part. The will to listen and quiet my own fears so that I wasn’t acting so selfishly and considered all sides of the situation. I’m praying for a positive outcome to my apology.

Living in fear is like being backed into a corner, triggering me to feel scared, helplessness and confused just as I did during the abuse I suffered. As I continue to heal, these parts of me are lying dangerously close to the surface and my own current reality. They at times become twisted up and entangled in a way that clouds my decision making and has me wanting to escape. This is by no means an excuse, it’s my reality and I’m addressing it head on.

I want to share with you dear readers the importance of addressing what you need to in life because we only get one shot at living. Life is precious and short. I’m someone who wanted to pull the plug by cutting my own short because living was so painful and I felt the only way out was death. A permanent solution to a temporary problem. Learning to love myself and having the ability to love another person, despite terrifying circumstances shows strength, resilience and most of all courage. Summoning that courage took the abity for me to use pain as a motivator not as a roadblock. I admit, I don’t always make clearheaded decisions concerning my life. I have the tendency to want to blow up my life and throw the towel in and say FUCK IT ALL!

Not giving into these urges is hard for me because my natural tendency has been conditioned to not focus on my own uncomfortable or challenging feelings of fear, anger and sadness. I stuff, numb and dissociate from them just like I did in childhood during the abuse. It was easier to put my mind in another place and numb out. It’s our bodies defense, protecting our brains from the highest levels of anxiety and circuit overload. I now know this coping mechanism no longer serves me and I must change that maladaptive pattern before it continues to wreck havoc in my world today.  Following inner compass suits my life and decision making much better!

Choosing to love and remain in love is hard during these fearful moments but if I want to live, I must love. I have also been programmed to find pleasure in pain. I have been noticing that when typing a lot I tend to type live instead of love. That’s what sparked me to start investigating this vital connection between loving and living. In order for me to consistently maintain my happiness, I must choose to love in order to keep living. The abuse is over. The little girl who experienced that rauma is grown. I have learned a better way to live. I can make better choices. When I fall down and make the same mistakes my from past, I can now recognize them and correct them by taking responsibility for my words and actions by choosing to not blow up my life. If it’s one thing I have learned it’s that the grass is never greener.

I choose to accept my partner’s prognosis and conditions because when taking stock of the pros and cons of our relationship, the pros undoubtedly outweigh the cons. More on that in upcoming posts my dear readers. Once I can snap myself back into my body, I can easily recognize this. When I was high in emotion mind, I wrote this poem. Thankfully for me writing is such a great outlet. One I need to rely upon more so I don’t actively allow fear into the driver’s seat unnecessarily.

Mental health, Spirituality

The art of allowing love is magic

Oh love, what a complicated and fickle pursuit it can be! My dear readers I have come into such an abundance of love’s pure energy flow lately and so far my new year is as bright and shiny as my spirit is. Last Monday I expierenced my third vision, out in nature, which I just love. Awe inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful! Looking up at the sky now holds more meaning for me than ever before. As I continue to heal and push through obstacles, one solution remains constant and true and that is love. When we allow love to flow freely throughout our entire being it frees us from our problems and allows us to be closer to Source and Divine power.

In keeping with my daily rituals while always setting the intention to allow a steady stream of unconditional love to flow through I am reminded to surrender. Love presents a polarity between weakness and strength. When we are in love we are vulnerable because we are putting our heart out there and there’s always a possibility we might be hurt or let down. Yet when we do this, we are showing strength in our belief that we deserve and want love. Accessing superior energy, which is God (or whatever higher power you believe in) we are able to look inward and feel that essence inside of us. It’s there in abundance dear readers. I know this to be true because I kept myself closed off from it for years. My intuition was quiet almost inaudible, barely being listened to. Now, ten years into this spiritual and self healing journey, it is loud and clear.

The first step was learning to love myself and to do that I had to figure a few things out. Understanding where I had been, why I was here and what was my soul’s purpose became goals that had me reading anything in the spiritual realm I could get my hands on. Seeking out therapists, taking medications for a time (15 years to be exact) to heal from the severe traumas I had experienced, attending outpatient therapies like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). Getting my mind right as the kids say, was a painstaking process that has instilled patience with myself into my core. None of this happens overnight 🤯

Along this journey I learned some powerful tools that I incorporate into my daily self care practices. Meditation is hugely vital to my well being and allows me quiet reflection and observation space to my rapidly shifting thoughts. Listening to binaural sounds at varying frequencies allows me to hear my spirit guides better and receive messages from them. We all have these angels all around us and last week Universe gifted me an angel orchestra of them during my vision. I have been asking for a sign to show me they were here and as I gazed up into the big blue sky while the moon was showing herself, all of a sudden I saw hundreds of twinkling white lights! Immediately I knew that they were my guides saying hello. I was filled with an indescribable sense of comfort and warmth while tears streamed down my face, it was one of the most beautiful sights to behold.

After that, my week continued to unfold in both positive and painful ways. I have come to a point in my life where I can see the beauty and purpose within pain. It’s my body’s signal and way of teaching me what I need to heal from, let go, accept and turn into strength. It’s like magic when you think about it that way. I’m no masochist, I no longer engage in self denial and I don’t seek out pain on purpose. I do however believe pain is one of our greatest teachers. Over my 42 years, I have experienced an incredible amount of pain and heartache that I know now served its purpose in instilling a deep love and kindness for my fellow humans and all living things for that matter.

When you allow love in you understand it’s the only truth

I was drawn to do some inner child healing too last week which used to scare me because it was painful to look at. Now that I feel more in tune with my own emotions, loving myself in this way allows me to reparent the little me inside. Planning for and scheduling activities that bring out my childhood essence is really important for my continued growth, self integration and evolvement. These include talking to myself, dancing, going out in nature, painting, listening to music and singing along. Playing around with sounds like chanting, even swinging on a swing! That was my favorite activity as a child, I always felt like I was flying so high and free.

Remembering this part of me allows me to be my own hero and rescue myself which is hugely empowering. I write letters to my younger self at different ages reminding her she is no longer alone and is seen, heard and loved. It’s again, a kind of magic when those old stories that ran through my head telling me I’m not good enough or I am too much, too sensitive get triggered to start playing and now this new more calming and comforting voice is heard in their absence. Reparenting myself is a huge gift to not only me but those who love me and are in my life can see a big shift in my outlook and self confidence. Isn’t it amazing how music can fill the shallow parts of our souls allowing us this wonderful connection with who we are?

As an empath, I have lived most of my life distracted and focused upon other’s feelings and thoughts while neglecting my own. Honestly, my own were scary to me and overwhelming so I neglected them in favor of trying to save or rescue another. I can also admit that even during my current relationship with my fiance, there have been many many times that I looked to him to save me. Finally, I understand that only I can save me. I am responsible for my own happiness and the inner joy I feel is fueled by such self love and gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned. I have no regrets and I wouldn’t change a minute of my life thus far.

My main goal for this year has been to put myself out there more by releasing my inhibitions once and for all. I have forced myself to do more video confessionals that I post on my social media @emotionalmusings on both Instagram and Facebook. I hoped to attend my first poetry slam where I would perform one of my most personal poems, “Glimpses”this past Friday. My words are like my children and it both terrifies and excites me to share them on a stage. Unfortunately the weather here in Dallas kept me from attending but it turns out Universe is granting me another opportunity to do it this Friday because I have the night off from work!! YAY😊

I also reached out to a dear fellow empath friend @emilyrainbowglo on Instagram to ask her if she would want to do a collaboration with me, a live chat for our fellow empaths to feel empowered by and learn from. I was thrilled with the outcome of our conversation yesterday, it was seamless! It’s still available for a few more hours if you dear readers would like to hear what we had to talk about. It’s based around love and surrendering to it, allowing in self love and care so that we can protect our precious spirit and gifts while being open to receiving messages from the Universe. I have also asked another healer and dear friend of mine if I could join her on her new podcast. I will keep you dear readers in the loop of when that happens but for now you can follow her on Instagram @comealivewithchrissymarie and her podcast on Spotify is called, “The Art of Aliveness”. I will post the link below so you can check her out too.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7aiqLKqwfl9Z4KkjLllPe8?si=Aw8ANxUhRnW3cLMg1WzGjA

I have made up my mind that this year, 2020 is the year I stop holding myself back. I have done just that for one reason or another for the last 40 years and finally, FINALLY I feel strong enough to put my hand ✋ up to anything or anybody that tries to have me go back into a box or wants to label me, stifle my spirit….no thank you!! I am determined to let my free spirit soar as high as I can fly! I also did a confessional for a company I represent by sharing my story. I have it published here as a post under, “My journey with BodHD,” but I will also drop the link below so it can be accessed here too.

I wrote this poem last night that really expresses my love and gratitude to the elements, the Universe that has held me in its loving arms, nurturing my spirit even when I was neglecting it and continued to show to love and acceptance. That little voice has always been there giving me the strength to never give up. Whatever pushes you along my dear readers, keep doing it. Don’t let anything stop you, ever. Shine and allow the world your gifts. Never give up. I am a forever friend to all and I appreciate your support, follows and likes. You can always reach out to me, I love to listen. You too can “Triumph over Trauma “😊💪💜

The elements that make me who I am
Spirituality

Consciously blocking fear

This has been a tremendous past week for me my dear readers!! I have received so many messages from the Universe validating the path I’m currently on which is the journey back to the authentic spirit I embody within this human vessel. In a nutshell, I have raised my vibration to the point where I’ve shifted into such love and abundance while actively blocking out fear. If you read a newspaper or watch the news, however you get your information, there are events happening in our world that have many speculating if we are of the verge of WW3. What these events like the wildfires in Australia and the US killing Qasem Suleimani one of Iran’s top generals me is to not allow fear to get it’s claws into my psyche.

I’m uber focused on not allowing myself to be brought down by fear. Everything is energy so when we engage fear we are ultimately feeding it. I chose to feed love by investing my energy into making myself the best human being I can be, knowing myself as well as I can. For me, it’s about management of my time and what I’m feeding myself. You are what you feed your mind and body. Period.

I must serve myself and heal myself first so I can live my soul’s purpose which is of spreading love and kindness to everyone I meet. We need more random acts of kindness and empathy for our fellow sisters and brothers. We are all connected, everything alive on this planet has an affect on each other. When you start to really see the world we live in in this way, you want to make choices from love and abandon fear.

I recently watched a YouTube video by one of my favorite YouTube stars, Ralph Smart aka Infinite Waters. He calls his followers Deep Divers because we dive into different subjects going below the surface and appearance. He is a beacon of light and hope sharing advice on how to make yourself more self aware, be a better person, gain consciousness etc….you get the point as to why I follow him closely😉 One of the connections he draws upon highlighted within the video below is that our society is feeding fear by ingesting animals. The killing of animals during food production creates fear and pain for them. By ingesting that meat, now you have transferred that energy into your own body. Think about it. That one blew me away.

While I’m on the subject of YouTube stars, another amazing woman I follow closely is Dr. Nicole Pera aka The Holistic Psychologist. I stumbled upon her Instagram page through one of the soul sisters I follow on Instagram. She’s revolutionizing the field of mental health by focusing on what the root cause is for so many illnesses, disorders and conditions. Every day she posts advice on how to undo the programming and conditioning we as a society go through when we are growing up. The steps she lays out make it crystal clear on how to become more self aware, live more consciously and make better decisions surrounding our choices and behaviors. Her guidance has helped me in countless ways! She’s a tool in my ever evolving tool belt of self healing information.

Today she posted about unraveling the conditioning we go through, specifically the letting go of the habit of self. Many professionals in the field describe “self” as personality but really it is the expieriences we live through that creates this aspect of ourselves. This is ego, unconsciousness, operating throughout life on auto pilot, living in the past and it doesn’t serve us well at all. Here is the link to her YouTube video.

Become an observer my dear readers and understand that the first step in obtaining peace in this world is to start within yourself. Working on the inside will eventually transform the outside world around us. Ralph and Nicole have very similar messages. Their work and content focus around discovering our authentic self which is what our spirit, what our soul tells us. This is our intuition. The longer we operate from fear, the more silent that inner voice becomes. I’m talking about our intuition. Some end up never even acknowledging it at all let alone trusting it.

For most of my life, I was living in a constant and perpetual state of fear and anxiety. I didn’t feel good enough, I distrusted my inner guide and went about creating false stories, ego stories, that screamed at me that I was a failure. Since working so diligently on raising my own vibration, becoming a realized and empowered empath all that has vanished.

The creation of daily morning rituals helps me to care for my spirit by allowing me to finally feel my worth. Meditating regularly has allowed me to become an observer to my obsessive and compulsive thoughts surrounding anxiety and depression. I can choose what I act upon, what is real for me. Journaling is a great way to unload my mind and stay in the present. I pick up on so much dear readers, being constantly sent messages about the others around me whether I like it or not. It can really weigh me down if I let it.

Becoming aware of synchronicity is one of the signs of a spiritual awakening and definitely one of the coolest parts of my journey thus far. I have praised my dear soul sister Lindsey Luna aka soul.healing.with.luna on Instagram a few times in my posts. She is an amazingly talented shamanic healer and Reiki master. A few weeks ago she posted her chakra healing crystal set in an Instagram story and I was immediately smitten with them! I quickly messaged her and asked her where she found them. The neat thing about us empaths is that we are so in tune with each other, she knew I would ask her! On Saturday they arrived to my pleasant surprise about an hour after I posted about allowing soul power to flow freely. Not a coincidence, there is no such thing my dear readers 😊

I opened the box and gazed lovingly upon my new crystal beauties. I took three deep breaths as I held each chakra point crystal in my hand while setting an intention our loud. I burned some sage to cleanse them too from any negative charges they may be carrying. The fact that Lindsey picked them out, touched them and transferred her own positive energy into them is very special to me. I then lay them upon each of my chakra points while listening to her guided meditation. I can’t fully express the euphoric feeling I immediately recieved from these healing crystals!! When I was finished and was putting them away each crystal was quite hot to my touch. I felt like I was floating on a cloud for the rest of the day!

The last bit of news I will leave you with is that I expierenced my second vision!! It was so awe inspiring and glorious leaving me with tears streaming down my face🤗 I started using a brain waves frequency app for background tones while I meditate. I was sitting outside in my backyard just gazing at the sun through the trees. All of a sudden I could see the energy waves in the air. This isn’t the 1st time I have seen them but what was different is the appearance of the sun. I saw a big purple heart. At first there were three circle like shapes and then those morphed into a heart. This keep happening over and over while I just stared in awe. An overwhelming feeling of calm came rushing over my body from head to toe.

Witnessing such a vision is a clear message to me from Universe that everything will be alright. Purple is not only my favorite color but when I saw my guardian angel during my first vision, she was bathed in purple light. Universe really knows how to quickly get my attention!

About twenty minutes after that experience I went back inside to journal about it and write the following poem💜🌈🌠✌🙏😊

Spirituality

An end of year gift to myself

Here we are my dear readers, the final days of 2019. We made it through another year and decade. We’re in a new moon and eclipse cycle too which has my energy vibes feeling a sense of overall calm, a tiredness has settled into my entire being. A few days ago I wrote a poem about the greatest gift to myself and how much it means to me to be uncovering my true and authentic self. It’s the most wonderful, beautiful and precious experience of my life.

It certainly has not come easy or free! Since June, as you know if you have been following my blog here, I have been on an accelerated spiritual journey. It required a tremendous amount of patience and grace on my part. Integrating my shadow self, the aspects of my character that are darker, the ones I don’t like to admit led me to places I never dreamed I would be. Ultimately accepting every ounce of what makes me me has taught me so much. I finally see my worth, understand my value and strive each day to care for my spirit by practicing daily rituals that strengthen the bond I have with myself.

Over this past weekend, I stumbled upon a website where I could map together my complete birth chart. Cafeastrology.com gives a very detailed and informative view of where the sun, moon and planets were positioned the day you were born. It took me two days to read it and summarize it into my journal. The descriptions of my characteristics( inborn, undeveloped and overdeveloped) impressions I leave upon others, my communication style, habits and reactions to the world, whom I attract, my values within different situations are all connected to my chart. I learned so much about myself and was validated on many fronts it was uncanny! Certain paragraphs I had to reread twice, even three times because they blew me away so much.

The picture above raises interesting questions. I feel that there are certain character challenges that are unavoidable while some information I read I could definitely connect with in a way that is constructive to my growth. For example, I was born a highly sensitive, even moody at times individual. Most empaths moods can change so rapidly leaving others around them quite puzzled as to why. The sensitivity I am most especially affected by is the relation to my environment. I am extremely sensitive to it due to my heightened senses. If something smells off, I am distracted, often bothered and have difficulty focusing. If sounds are too loud, I am immediately in fight, flight or freeze mode. I believe no matter how much I work on myself these physiological aspects of my being wouldn’t change. I believe them to be hard wired.

However, I do take heed to the suggestions within my reactions to others. For example, I rely too heavily upon myself. I like to be independent and this streak is defined in every description throughout my chart from my sun and moon signs, both are Sagittarius by the way(many of the planets were in Sagittarius for me making me a super Sagittarius)to Saturn in Virgo and Uranus in Scorpio position. All define my intense desire to keep others out of my inner drive to get things done. My North Node in Libra and in my 4th house says that I take on the management role of fixing problems like a second nature although if I let others in, I can improve my life many times over. This is definitely something I can attest too being true. Initially, I want to handle everything on my own, have all the answers etc. Life has proven to me that when I reach out and ask for help, the load I’m carrying whether physical, emotional or spiritual gets much lighter.

I believe learning the most I can about myself by becoming as aware of myself as possible, the better I can care for myself in the world and within my relationships with others. I have always had a feverish curiosity for knowledge and understanding. I’m a gentle, generous and emotionally sensitive person who is practical in my values and fairness with others. I tend to be independent and want my freedom. I get restless when I feel I must conform to others ideals or am around others with inhibitions forced upon me. I am a very free spirit who likes to think and figure things out myself in my own unique way. I can come across as slow and methodical with my language and writing when I am taking on too much information. I need to process things conpartmentally at times in order to derive meaning from it because I’m highly philosophical.

All of this information has taught me how to handle my problems, mood shifts and emotions when dealing with others as an empath. I have always tended to get more involved with other’s feelings rather than feel and pay attention to my own. I believe I’m shifting this tendency. Even my partner can see a difference in me in how he and I interact. I think it’s hard for him because he doesn’t want to feel left out or left behind because of my growth. I assure him that my personal journey is necessary for my spirit and purpose during this journey to continue. It’s nothing to be feared or worry about but a beautiful and everlasting gift to myself.

I have often done just this. Feeling “too much” for others to handle because of my passionate views, the intensity of emotions I display and brutal honesty. Sometimes I can definitely put my foot in my mouth and say things with little or no tact. Being born and raised in New Jersey while residing in the South has elicited comments from others about my brashness and abruptness which leave a negative connotation in my mind. Attempts to stifle or cover these traits never works or feels genuine to me. I only end up hurting myself and that is something I’m finally finished doing!

What I have learned is to embrace it ALL. I refuse to hamper down who I am for anybody. I have lived through and endured so much pain and heartache that experiencing this revitalization of my spirit feels like flying. I alone decide how high I will soar, who I will let into my inner circle of loved ones and damn all the rest. This is me, in my truest and most genuine form. I love me today and that is something I pretended to feel for entirely too long for the sake of others. No longer will I allow the thoughts, opinions and actions of others to cloud my self expression.

I’m ready to kiss 2019 goodbye with a deep felt gratitude for all the lessons I have gathered this year. I have a clear picture of my future in 2020 and beyond that is of me owning my female empath warrior strength in an even more empowered and realized way so that I may shine as brightly as our life giving Sun 🌞