Tag: #PTSD

Grief and loss, Healing, Spirituality

This is me, I am Ladysag77

MariaTeresa

In two days I will celebrate my 43rd birthday and in light of where we are in this pandemic, it’s looking like I will be ringing in this one without the love of my life. I’m not going to sugarcoat my feelings, after everything I have experienced this year, I have hit my breaking point with patience. I’m incredibly sad and disappointed that we can’t be together. I also thought this was an opportunity to share with you my dear ones the  mixture of emotions I’m experiencing right now. I always say,”if you can feel it, you can heal it”. Currently, as I revealed in my last post,  I’m surfing the waves of intense emotions impacted by heartache and loss. I know intuitively that this time in my life will teach me more about my journey and I will be ok. Right at this moment however, I am not ok. If you all know me by now, I wear my heart’s vulnerability out loud and on my sleeve. This post is me. Present moment. Rainbow of feelings.

I woke up Saturday morning with a spring in my step and a feeling of exuberance. The weather here was gloriously sunny and I headed out for a run. As I listened to my playlist featuring some  favorite tunes from my teenage years, I was hit with a strong sense of nostalgia and soul. I stopped off at a coffee shop to write this poem that was bursting from my heart to be heard.

Being soulful is the only way to live

A few hours later, as the darkness of night approached, I felt the pangs of sorrow over the loss both my Mom and I are experiencing. Being an intuitive empath can be tricky when I’m surrounded by energy I know isn’t solely my own. Obviously, my Mom is heartbroken by the loss of my Dad, her life partner for 44 years. She has also been dealing with having contracted COVID-19 herself and has been bed ridden. I am safe and have thankfully tested negative. The past two weeks have truly been a challenge for both of us. Before I fell asleep Saturday night, I penned this poem which articulates the grief both of us are feeling.

Grief

Yesterday, I checked out by calling a mental health day for myself and didn’t get out of bed. Since the beginning of 2020, I haven’t taken many days off. More specifically, since becoming a shaman in September, I have taken exactly 0 days off. Yesterday, I binged Netflix and ate some of my favorite snack foods. I napped for hours. I kept to myself. It was awesome. This morning I awoke to rain here in South Florida. I decided to share this video of myself on all my social media platforms which is featured in the introduction of my latest book, “My Soul’s Light”. This is me, Maria Teresa, aka Ladysag77. I am a survivor who is thriving after facing many challenges throughout my life. I view the world in an unique way. I’m living my soul’s purpose and feeling my authentic spirit for the 1st time. Life is a gift. It’s never easy yet I choose to see the extreme beauty and be grateful for the many blessings I have. When you walk where I’ve been my dears, you learn to appreciate the gift of presence. I’m here and I’m alive. I make no apologies for who I am. I love myself and I hope to inspire others by my life’s testimony of healing.

This is me

In light and in shadow, always with love. If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations or to purchase any of my 4 books of poetry please click the link below.

https://linktr.ee/Emotionalmusings

Spirituality

Spotting signs from spirit

MariaTeresa

This is The Great Awakening my dear readers. My fellow empaths, lightworkers and I have been preparing for this for sometime now. I know I felt two major shifts inside my own body months ago. Since then, I have written many posts about the visions I experience outside in Mother Nature’s glorious landscape. Most of the messages and signs I receive come from either the Sun or Moon. We have a Supermoon in Libra taking place now through Wednesday. I am also grateful to have received a much needed energy clearing today.

I didn’t have too many irregularities out of the normal. No damage to my aura field but I did need a tune up on what I am receiving. Since it’s been either so cloudy, overcast or raining here, I haven’t had very many chances to sit outside in this past week to see what nature is teaching me. Before the weather moved in, one creature I was noticing more often than the others and is standing out from everything else in my backyard are the birds! An abundance of beautiful silence is there and I just lay in my lounge chair, staring up at the sky and trees. The many different fruit and nut trees attract quite an array of differing species although one in particular seems to be frequently reoccurring and visiting a tree close by to where I sit. It hassles any other bird that attempts to get near me. I have always had a way with animals in general. It’s like we communicate an unspoken language.

They say a cardinal is a sign from the spirit of a passed loved one. I have written many times on here about my dear Nana because she is my largest, brightest and most communicative guide. She is reminding me to look deeper within, remember the spiritual warrior I am. I have been having dreams about my past lives and just who my spirit was before this body I now inhabit. I have also noticed some nudges from her to start reading my Akashic Records. More on that in future posts but for now I want to share with you her most recent message to me my dear readers😉

Cardinal in watercolor

Before my session yesterday, I felt called to write this short phrase at the bottom of my notebook and I made a note to incorporate it into a painting. It wasn’t until after the session was over that I picked up my paints and just started painting that cardinal I keep seeing outside. It has also landed quite close to my chair on the ground while staring at me as if to say, “keep going my dear, you are on the right path.”

I don’t have my new laptop yet so I write this entire blog and my poetry with a touch pen on my cell my dear readers. I never pass up a chance to notice a synchronic message and as I was writing this post, a subscription service I belong to for Dr. Nicole LePera aka The Holistic Psychologist popped up containing this message.

Thank you Dr. Nicole🙏

The creative process for me usually unfolds like this. I receive images or words, sometimes both at once and I scramble to find a pen and my notebook of ideas. My poems I have written about before my dear readers come out very quickly, like I’m reading words off a white board. Lately, I have felt inclined to put some of my favorite music on. This reminds me of how I processed my creativity as an older teenager from 16 through my early twenties. Here’s what I was listening to this evening.

I have always been a huge fan of The Beatles. I raised both of my boys on their lullaby instrumental arrangements and when they were old enough to enjoy “The Yellow Submarine” I had many picture books for them explaining the Fab Four’s tripped out submarine adventure and of course we owned the DVD. We also had “Magical Mystery Tour” on repeat while we danced, laughed and sang along to it in our kitchen💃 Currently I’m playing the most recent playlist by The Rock & Roll Hall of Fame inspired by their career defining hits on Spotify. No surprise when this tune came on🎼🎶

I feel restored, rejuvenated and like I received a huge hug from Source. Our Universe is carrying us all through this time my dear readers. All of this is meant to happen and needs to usher in a whole new way of life. Trust in it. Look within and connect with your soul and with unconditional love in your heart it will set you free🌠🦋

I keep writing this and I will again now, WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER, INTERCONNECTED AND JOINED AS ONE….HUMANITY. WHAT HAPPENS TO ONE OF US AFFECTS US ALL AS A WHOLE. SPREAD KINDNESS AND LOVE BECAUSE IT TAKES LITTLE EFFORT AND IS WHAT WE ALL NEED RIGHT NOW🙏❤

Spirituality

Stuck on memory lane

MariaTeresa

Ahhhhhh dear reader’s I can tell I’m neck deep in my own “stuff” when I wake up and immediately feel left over anxiety and frustration from the night before. Any little irritation sets me spinning off and yes I have been feeling quite heavy for the past 2 days as I reminisce about the good ol days of my youth. Since my last post I have been stuck on memory lane💭

Sadly, on Sunday my Mom called me to tell me that my step sister Liz’s husband passed away. My parents are both not well enough to travel from Florida to New Jersey for the service. I immediately thought of my nephews and niece who are now without their Dad. He was a great father and he and my sister were married for over thirty years. There are six of us siblings all together and I fall second to the last in age order. Here is a picture of all of us at their wedding sometime in the early 80’s…..

That’s me on the left😊 I was probably 7 or 8 years old.

My parents came into their marriage together with two children each. Back in the late 70s they did the best they could to create a blended family, which was extremely difficult because of our wide age gaps. My step brother Jay is twenty years older than me, my step sister Liz is eighteen, then comes my sister Tami (my Mom’s oldest daughter) who is twelve years older, then my brother Billy is ten years my senior. My parents had me in 1977 and lastly the baby of our family, my sister Gina was born in 1979. Thinking back I remember us all always spending holidays together.

When someone passes it always makes me think of the past and how fast time has gone by.  I remember the little girl I was so wide eyed with wonder, curious about everything and super shy. I really didn’t break out of that phase until I started dancing competitively at around age 10. With all I have unearthed surrounding my sexual abuse at age 5 and 6, I have been slowly going back in my memory bank. That expierience taught me how to dissociate and being numb to my own feelings began there. Eventually I developed Complex PTSD, but that diagnosis took many years to come about.

Little Maria age 3
Silly Maria age 5

For this post however I’m choosing to focus on how my youngest sister Gina and I had the best of everything provided to us. She and I are just twenty-two months apart. I call her G, she was my first best friend, we did absolutely everything together and my Mom dressed us alike for too many years I think🤣 Looking back at these pictures however, I must admit how darn cute the two of us were (are)❤

Sisters in the summertime
We ❤ this hammock

We grew up in a very idyllic neighborhood, nowadays I would compare it to Mr. Rogers’s. Our small town, Wyckoff, NJ is located just 15 minutes from NYC. Everybody knew everyone, all the kids in the neighborhood rode our bikes together, played on each other’s front lawns and swan in each other’s pools in the summer. Our neighbor directly across the street became my first friend outside of family because our mother’s were pregnant with us at the same time and I like to say we were bonded in the womb 😄 Around Christmas time, we would dress up and go caroling. Even my grandparents joined us and the neighbors would invite us in for hot chocolate and cookies. You could run to any neighbor’s house at anytime and feel welcomed. My sister and I went to summer camps, took all kinds of lessons including tennis, swimming, dance, piano, art, and sewing just to name a few, played sports and went on at least one family vacation yearly. We were extremely blessed to have been exposed to so much from an early age.

My sister Gina and I both started dancing soon after we could walk. I know I was around 2 years old. We were always paired in duos once we started dancing in competitions and we were always next to each other in the same line (our director said it made it easier for our Mom to take pictures!) usually front row, in all of our dance numbers. Thinking back, dancing was the highlight of my childhood and into my teenage years, creating my passion for dance and movement today 💃❤

Jazz sisters
“Dreamgirls” opening recital dance

Since G lives in Florida and I live in Texas, we are far away from each other. I can’t just get in my car and meet her to get our nails done or grab some coffee. When I was married and lived in Rhode Island while she was living in New Jersey, we used to meet at a half way point on I95 a lot so our children could see each other. Many times I would take her daughter and son back up with me to RI so the cousins could spend quality time together. I also used to drive down to NJ at least once a month to stay at my parent’s house for the weekend so everybody could visit together. Lately I have been thinking about her and missing those times we spent together a lot! So much time has passed since the sweet days of our youth and early adulthood. I’ve been experiencing a lot of inner child wounds that keep bubbling up to the surface. That’s what happens after you stuff a dark secret away for thirty-five years. It’s like holding a balloon under water, eventually it will find it’s way to the surface.

So I have spent much of the past two days in my head and in my shadow. All of the old beliefs about myself, old thinking patterns, nightmares and memories are back in full force. It feels sticky and honestly very awful. I must console myself by myself because that is the job of reparenting. It’s bittersweet because as much as I love these pictures, I can’t really remember any of the specific details that go along with them. My memories are really hazy and clouded by fear, anxiety, stress and an overwhelming sense of panic. I have often said my body felt like it ran on a motor of all of these fore mentioned feelings. Healing comes in waves. I’m weary and I feel weak. Time to retire this heavy head and ❤ of mine.

I wrote this poem before I fell asleep last night…

Mental health, Spirituality

Anniversary reaction and the new moon

MariaTeresa

This October has been very emotionally draining for me. As I realized the date today staring back at me just this morning it dawned on me the fact that every October and November in the past eight years have unfolded that way. Having Complex PTSD is the culprit because there is this little phenomenon that happens called the Anniversary reaction or effect. My body remembers that eight years ago within the months of October and November I endured tremendously intense trauma.

This month also ushered in the Harvest full moon on Oct.13th and in the past two days we have been feeling the affects of the new moon rising in Scorpio. Google defines this new moon as this:

“The 2019 New Moon In Scorpio is about embracing the unknown. It’s rare that life unfolds exactly as you want it to. Often, what results is a mess of both success and failure. Even if you get what you want, it might not feel as fulfilling as you thought it would.”

Boy does THAT resonate with me! Needless to say, the combination of energy forces has proved to be quite tumultuous for me dear readers. It’s required me to put more effort into my self care by closely monitoring the daily reflections I jot down in my journal. My favorite tool in counterbalancing these emotional shifts is journaling. Remaining self aware of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors helps keep me in the moment as much as possible when my ego starts whispering lies and goes into full on protective mode.

Becoming more and more “realized ” as an empath, the rapidly downloaded messages I receive from the universe have also kept me on my toes. Here in Dallas, we expierienced a tornado and lots of thunderstorms that caused severe damage. Thankfully, the area of the city I live in was unaffected but I can definitely attest to feeling the vibrational pressure and sheer force of that kind of destructive power. The only option when faced with such strength is to remain as calm as possible by constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass. These temporary effects in nature and the energy being felt has resulted in an overwhelming amount of heaviness on me. Each day this month I felt a varying degree of extra pressure.

The best defense I have found is sticking to my daily rituals. The more my body can expect the comforting aspects of each self compassion tool I employ the more relaxed my hypervigilance is. Granted, this is time consuming and can definitely put strain on my day if I don’t make the proper allowances. Time management is an extremely important part of planning my day.

Another thing I’ve been reminded of this month is to resist making decisions during this period of intense emotional upheaval. Making decisions based in emotion is something I used to do a lot in my past. Afterwards, I learned that those decisions produced unsuccessful outcomes so I must refrain from those knee jerk reactionary responses. This month I was reminded almost daily to chill out. My best defense is to NOT react.

This month is a good example of growing pains. Nothing changes when life is easy and I don’t challenge myself. In the past six months I have conducted a complete overhaul of my internal story, my core beliefs and reassessment of the painful memories related to the traumas I have survived. My brain pushes back upon the new pathways I have built because our brains don’t accept change easily. My fight, flight or freeze triggers have also been in overdrive as I confront the difficult emotions that have long been cemented into my internal story.

These challenging feelings include an unrealistic sense of being abandoned, unaccepted and unloved. A constant, nagging reoccurring thought of not being worthy has threatened to cripple my behavior and how I respond to uncomforbility. I want to give up, throw the towel in. Pushing through these moments creates a feeling of accomplishment that raises my self esteem. I’ve been reminded that, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I have leaned on this mantra a lot lately. Incorporating breathwork and meditation is essential for soothing the conflicting messages my brain screams at me. Again, this too shall pass…..if I let it!

Relaxing into the natural flow and unfolding of life by consciously releasing my white knuckle grip on how I think life should be is a daily challenge and one that I meet with head on every morning. Positive self talk sets me straight and gives me permission to accept these difficult emotions. Reminding myself that growth is sometimes painful. Change isn’t easy. It’s natural to have bad days while the process of self healing continues. It’s a never ending journey. Eight years ago I attempted to end it all. Even though this month and next stand as yearly reminders of my painful past, it’s also another opportunity for self forgiveness.

Today, I feel more empowered and I know that I have a choice. That’s a fact I didn’t believe I had eight years ago. I am not my past. I have grown a lot and am continuing to heal. A journey I am grateful to of chosen.

Mental health, Spirituality

Happy 1 year anniversary to me

MariaTeresa

Just one year ago, I started this blog called “Emotional Musings”. I have been journaling, writing poems and short stories my entire life but always kept them private. Sometimes, I have written poems as gifts for my loved ones. This blog has started a new adventure for me. I have been able to connect with almost 1,400 readers from 30 different countries around the world.

I really didn’t know how writing these posts would affect me. Basically, I use the poems I write as my muse for what each post is centered around. My poems come to me as visions and take little effort to write. Each of the blog posts on my page discuss in depth, the meaning behind each poem. It’s a very introspective thing on my part to delve into what I was thinking and feeling each time a new poem comes to mind. I believe this process to be very cathartic and quite helpful to my overall healing from Complex PTSD.

In total I have written 62 posts on this blog. Most of them are centered around my experience as an empath in this fast paced and often confusing world that we live in today. Our culture focuses mostly on the analytical mind paying little attention to our emotional health and wellbeing. A few of my posts can be considered social commentary on how I view our culture, humanity as a whole and how spirituality plays a role in our society.

This blog has also been a vehicle for me to even consider myself a writer. Earlier this year I self published my very own book of poetry which is available on Amazon in both paperback and digital form. It means a lot to me to have all of my work titled “Emotional Musings ” because that’s the truth, each word is a reflection of my emotional state. I have been gathering my latest poems for the second book, “Emotional Musings2” which I plan to release before the end of this year. Stay tuned!

A huge thank you to my current 24 followers. I didn’t expect anybody to actually read this and I’m so grateful these posts resonate with others. It’s a real labor of love for me to write these posts as I view each one as an opportunity to not only reveal more about my personal journey but to allow others the space to consider theirs.

My mission here is to provide a space where others can relate to and find connection with their own emotional journey. It has been almost 10 years since I set out to discover just who I really am, what my purpose is and to heal from the traumatic events of my past. November will mark eight years since I first attempted suicide. That act of desperation as led me on a beautiful, painful yet ultimately rewarding expedition that has allowed me to constantly peel back the layers of my life’s onion. Uncovering and understanding my authentic self as a result of writing is absolutely priceless. I highly recommend this process to anyone who is searching for their own truth.

My wish for this next year to is be able to interact more with you readers. Please share my blog with others whom you believe it will resonate with, comment below and tell me more about yourselves. I hope to make this a more interactive space where I can lead open discussions on both whole body health and wellness along with spirituality. Mostly, I want each person who takes the time to read this blog to feel less alone in their emotions.

For so many years, I felt like I couldn’t discuss what was going on inside of me. Why did I know what others were going to say before they said it, why did I feel their feelings without first being told and where were these phantom pains coming from? Aside from my empath experiences, I know many of my experiences aren’t unique either. There are many of us out there who have spent time in psychiatric hospitals, inpatient and outpatient programs and weekly sessions of psychotherapy yet still feel lost even discouraged about their mental health.

This is Mental Health Awareness week in the United States. I hope my blog can serve as a safe space for others to not only recognize their own struggles but to gather information regarding the important role our emotions play and what our body’s are trying to tell us. I feel there needs to be more public education about how important it is to recognize one’s feelings and the sensations in the body. It’s essential for whole body health to be able to do a body scan and recognize where we hold emotion in our bodies. This is especially true for those of us healing from trauma. It’s true, the body holds onto trauma and we will continue to hurt until the root of the pain can be discovered and released. I highly recommend reading, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Van der Kolk M.D., Bessel.

On Monday I woke to a much less humid day here in Dallas, TX. I decided to spend the afternoon running along the path at my favorite park. The path stretches around a huge lake for approximately ten miles. I took in scenic views of sailboats, canoes, fishermen and wildlife. Mostly I rejoiced in feeling the wind on my face. It was a beautiful day that produced the poem below, “Wind”. Autumn is my favorite season. Hopefully, I will get many more days just like this one.