Spirituality

Love overflowing

My oldest son is here in Dallas visiting me my dear readers and I couldn’t be happier! Tyler is 18, turns 19 in August, and has grown into such a thoughtful, insightful and mature man. He really blows me away with his point of view on life. I must admit, he has his stuff way more together than I ever did at that age!

We are staying a block away from the hotel I work inside of in downtown. Last night I took him to see where I work and he was able to meet many of the people I see on a daily basis inside The Statler hotel. He was immediately impressed by the ambiance of the hotel with it’s rich history and background of being g one of Mr. Conrad Hilton’s flagship properties. There is something to be said for cultivating meaningful relationships with the people you work with because many of them told Ty how much I brag about him and treated him like a king!

My heart is bursting with pride for how smitten my dear friend and the owner of the boutique I manage took to him❤ He has already asked me when we will get yo see her again because he enjoyed her company so much! I must admit how fulfilling it is to see all of my hardwork pay off as a stay at home for the twelve years I was raising him and my younger son.

Miles may still feel not ready to rejoin our little threesome because of the alienation my ex-husband has caused, yet I know it is only a matter of time. He will understand more once he has some true life expierience under his belt like his brother. Ty has been on his own for over two years now and works a full time job with a good company. He has confided in me that Miles feels angry and perhaps abandoned which is something I completely understand based on how the divorce played out. My decision to move out of state and restart my life must still be confusing for him while he still lives with his Dad. He was so young when we separated, only 5 years old. Miles didn’t get near enough alone time and attention from me. Tyler and I had almost four solid years together before Miles was born.

Being able to embrace my role of Mom is exhilarating and fills me with such joy and peace! I live on a ton of faith and hope because we live so far away from one another. Having Ty around me reminds me of the greatest and most honorable reasons to be alive. We have been through so much together and it is so refreshing to see what a sweet and kind man at 18 can be like. My boys are the two best accomplishments in my life and they make me so proud to hold the title of Mom.

Ty goes back to Rhode Island on Monday so for now we are enjoying every minute together as you dear readers can see in these pictures 🥰

Mother & son
Enjoying a laugh together
At the pool

This is the best gift I could ever have, the pleasure of time off work spent with one of my favorite and most loved people in this world❤

Spirituality

What makes me feel ALIVE

Focusing on what I love about myself while in this Mercury retrograde aka clean out period. Letting go of that which no longer serves me, making room for what does…..and that means what makes me tick💃❤😁

A big lesson that I have been practicing dear reader’s is detaching with love. I must reserve my previous energy, specifically emotional, for myself. The two hardest concepts I have been wrestling with for years are balance and boundaries. I have a ginormous heart and I want to love the world, sometimes that comes at the detriment to myself and my own needs. Self betrayal has been an ongoing theme throughout my life. I was conditioned to think that I needed to mold to what others expected from me and if I could do that, in return I would receive the love and acceptance I so desired.

My parents did the best they could but my mother has narcissistic Borderline personality disorder and unresolved personal trauma. She too was sexually abused. Did somebody say generational trauma….yes 100% true. My father has been emotionally absent my entire life. He is an only child raised by parents who believed children should be seen and not heard. He was born in the early 1930s, a product of that time. He also owned a car dealership and was a workaholic in my formative years. I don’t blame them however I received loads of mixed messages.

As an adult on my healing journey for the past ten years, I have learned lessons the extreme and hard way. I have put myself in harm’s way and have literally had to bang my head against a wall to “get it”. Currently during this planetary releasing period, I feel the Universe is teaching me what perhaps others much younger than me got the memo on as a teenagers. Again, I can beat myself up just fine by morphing into my own worst enemy. Most recently I am releasing the perfectionism ingrained within me. The desire to be what I deem as perfect can look like any number of things. These include being happy and upbeat all the time. That leaves me stuffing any other emotion for fear of not being accepted by those around me.


I am really recognizing and embracing all of this. It is forcing me to concentrate my energy into what makes me feel most alive. Moving my body whether it’s dancing in my room or going for a run ignites my spirit, that fire in my belly like nothing else. The weather here in Dallas has been so up and down. Yesterday was hot almost 80 degrees while today it’s raining and back to the 40s. All the while I’m trying to wait patiently for one of my favorite humans to visit me this week, my son 🥰

I wrote this poem last night…..getting myself pumped up for a fun 4 day weekend😁

Spirituality

Monday mood

A follow up on accepting myself, being perfectly imperfect. Also keeping in mind to practice grace under pressure. Showing myself grace is a newly discovered coping skill that my dear friend Lindsey Luna aka @soul.healing.with.luna has taught me and instilled into my being. It feels way better than what I used to do to myself. Loving myself no matter what😊

Perfectly imperfect
Spirituality

Thoughts from a recovering perfectionist

The thoughts of a recovering perfectionist need to be parsed out. When the other shoe drops, oh boy can it ever….my mind becomes scrambled eggs. I can’t string one thought to the next while I doubt everything my mind presents me. Hi again, Complex PTSD thinking, nice to see you again, insert sarcasm. Listen, I have been on this awakening ride long enough to realize the healing comes in waves. Never all at once. How would we learn that way. At least I sure don’t.

My soul yearns to be the compass most days. I have understanding enough to know that reality is an illusion because ego predicts 90% of what we see as truth. It takes a deep dive to see that a higher consciousness is needed to integrate all parts of self. When I find self caught up in my head, deciding my next direction becomes complicated. That’s where I have have found myself lately. Too caught up, fighting my own mind. Giving myself permission to feel this as it flows through my body. Telling myself to go with the flow, the less I resist the more easily it is to let go of these moments instead of becoming paralyzed by them.

Thoughts of a recovering perfectionist
Spirituality

Stuck on memory lane

Ahhhhhh dear reader’s I can tell I’m neck deep in my own “stuff” when I wake up and immediately feel left over anxiety and frustration from the night before. Any little irritation sets me spinning off and yes I have been feeling quite heavy for the past 2 days as I reminisce about the good ol days of my youth. Since my last post I have been stuck on memory lane💭

Sadly, on Sunday my Mom called me to tell me that my step sister Liz’s husband passed away. My parents are both not well enough to travel from Florida to New Jersey for the service. I immediately thought of my nephews and niece who are now without their Dad. He was a great father and he and my sister were married for over thirty years. There are six of us siblings all together and I fall second to the last in age order. Here is a picture of all of us at their wedding sometime in the early 80’s…..

That’s me on the left😊 I was probably 7 or 8 years old.

My parents came into their marriage together with two children each. Back in the late 70s they did the best they could to create a blended family, which was extremely difficult because of our wide age gaps. My step brother Jay is twenty years older than me, my step sister Liz is eighteen, then comes my sister Tami (my Mom’s oldest daughter) who is twelve years older, then my brother Billy is ten years my senior. My parents had me in 1977 and lastly the baby of our family, my sister Gina was born in 1979. Thinking back I remember us all always spending holidays together.

When someone passes it always makes me think of the past and how fast time has gone by.  I remember the little girl I was so wide eyed with wonder, curious about everything and super shy. I really didn’t break out of that phase until I started dancing competitively at around age 10. With all I have unearthed surrounding my sexual abuse at age 5 and 6, I have been slowly going back in my memory bank. That expierience taught me how to dissociate and being numb to my own feelings began there. Eventually I developed Complex PTSD, but that diagnosis took many years to come about.

Little Maria age 3
Silly Maria age 5

For this post however I’m choosing to focus on how my youngest sister Gina and I had the best of everything provided to us. She and I are just twenty-two months apart. I call her G, she was my first best friend, we did absolutely everything together and my Mom dressed us alike for too many years I think🤣 Looking back at these pictures however, I must admit how darn cute the two of us were (are)❤

Sisters in the summertime
We ❤ this hammock

We grew up in a very idyllic neighborhood, nowadays I would compare it to Mr. Rogers’s. Our small town, Wyckoff, NJ is located just 15 minutes from NYC. Everybody knew everyone, all the kids in the neighborhood rode our bikes together, played on each other’s front lawns and swan in each other’s pools in the summer. Our neighbor directly across the street became my first friend outside of family because our mother’s were pregnant with us at the same time and I like to say we were bonded in the womb 😄 Around Christmas time, we would dress up and go caroling. Even my grandparents joined us and the neighbors would invite us in for hot chocolate and cookies. You could run to any neighbor’s house at anytime and feel welcomed. My sister and I went to summer camps, took all kinds of lessons including tennis, swimming, dance, piano, art, and sewing just to name a few, played sports and went on at least one family vacation yearly. We were extremely blessed to have been exposed to so much from an early age.

My sister Gina and I both started dancing soon after we could walk. I know I was around 2 years old. We were always paired in duos once we started dancing in competitions and we were always next to each other in the same line (our director said it made it easier for our Mom to take pictures!) usually front row, in all of our dance numbers. Thinking back, dancing was the highlight of my childhood and into my teenage years, creating my passion for dance and movement today 💃❤

Jazz sisters
“Dreamgirls” opening recital dance

Since G lives in Florida and I live in Texas, we are far away from each other. I can’t just get in my car and meet her to get our nails done or grab some coffee. When I was married and lived in Rhode Island while she was living in New Jersey, we used to meet at a half way point on I95 a lot so our children could see each other. Many times I would take her daughter and son back up with me to RI so the cousins could spend quality time together. I also used to drive down to NJ at least once a month to stay at my parent’s house for the weekend so everybody could visit together. Lately I have been thinking about her and missing those times we spent together a lot! So much time has passed since the sweet days of our youth and early adulthood. I’ve been experiencing a lot of inner child wounds that keep bubbling up to the surface. That’s what happens after you stuff a dark secret away for thirty-five years. It’s like holding a balloon under water, eventually it will find it’s way to the surface.

So I have spent much of the past two days in my head and in my shadow. All of the old beliefs about myself, old thinking patterns, nightmares and memories are back in full force. It feels sticky and honestly very awful. I must console myself by myself because that is the job of reparenting. It’s bittersweet because as much as I love these pictures, I can’t really remember any of the specific details that go along with them. My memories are really hazy and clouded by fear, anxiety, stress and an overwhelming sense of panic. I have often said my body felt like it ran on a motor of all of these fore mentioned feelings. Healing comes in waves. I’m weary and I feel weak. Time to retire this heavy head and ❤ of mine.

I wrote this poem before I fell asleep last night…

Spirituality

I Am

Seeking

Who am I is the reoccurring question throughout my entire life. It has haunted me, left me distraught, distracted and then exhilarated and finally an inner peace that compares to nothing else. The search for self and one’s purpose is so crucial to happiness. I’m in a good space finally. Peace, love & life✌❤