It’s been a little over three months since I’ve written a blog post. The longest stretch of silence for this passionate writer who enjoys sharing her journey with all the world as a testimony of “Triumphing over Trauma”. Since July, I’ve been quietly tending to my own personal healing journey. Some people have swiftly left my life in order for me to move onto relationships that serve my highest alignment. Big changes include endings that were necessary yet bitterly difficult and led to rebirth. I’ve moved (again) twice actually, leaving Florida for good and finding myself settled back in the West, with my big sister and my brother-in-law outside Salt Lake City. I’ve stepped back into the world of working a job outside my home as a vitamin and herbal supplement expert in a local farmer’s market while still growing my healing business and writing many new poems to be included in my 6th book of poetry, “My Soul’s Dance, Accepting the shadows while embracing the Light: poems about death and rebirth”. The things I have felt, processed, experienced and healed required solitude, peace and the priceless sound of silence.
What does listening to the sound of silence mean? I found one writer’s definition on Google stating that “It helps us see the empty, selfless, uncertain, transient nature of all experience and patterns of consciousness. The sound of silence is also helpful in developing attention and continuity of mindfulness. When the mind becomes very calm and focused, the breath can grow quieter and quieter”. In my practices I have developed the ability to attune to my own heartbeat and feel into both the nothingness and all encompassing everythingness. The grand abyss of the unknown. There lies peace and love which brings a joyful curiosity to all of creation surrounding us. After such sessions in silence I can feel how intricate a role we are all invited to play by our interactions with one another. Leading with love or reactive to fear. These vibrations yield choices and play a major role in how we treat ourselves and one another.
Growing up in a chaotic and dysfunctional home, silence meant anger, sadness and an intensity of unease would set in as I awaited the shoe to drop. It felt like a bomb going off as the emotional roller coaster would begin and I, an unwilling passenger was forced upon it, never knowing when it would end or if I could ever get off. Over time I learned how to drown my sensitivities out and abandon my self care needs. It’s required years of introspection to understand how all of my past now serves me today. How to heal myself, take care of myself and create healthy boundaries with others. I use my sensitivities and sensibilities as superpowers to discern the energy all around me. It’s helped me tremendously decipher what’s mine, what’s not and how to transmute the fear I feel back into love for myself first and then others. Many of the life experiences these past thirty-five years could have turned me bitter, angry and resentful. Instead, I choose to allow them to shape and mold my heart into a more loving, kind and empathetically open person who sees the Light in others. Silence has taught me to be compassionate towards the struggles of my fellow sisters and brothers. Listening to my own heartbeat, I hear the rhythm that lies within us all. Beating steadily is a message that we all need love, forgiveness, understanding and acceptance. These are what I choose to shine onto others. It all starts from within. We teach others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. Be your own hero, best friend and love the crap out of yourself my friends!!
Resurfacing now from the silence is poignant because October celebrates the milestone of my three year anniversary here on WordPress. In December I will be ringing in my 44th birthday and these are the 44 poems I’ve written since my vow of silence July 4th. I invite you to close your eyes after reading each one and allow whatever emotion is stirred in you to rise and be seen, accepted and loved. We heal together, as one. We rise together in love. Within every season is the cycle of death and rebirth. My dear ones, we are to embrace all the sensations and every feeling for they are the sacred messages life presents us so we can continue this ride through life, to heal with more wisdom and clarity. Change is constant and growth is guaranteed if one can be brave enough to fail and keep trying. Sure the road is bumpy at times, there are detours and new available routes will arise when we trust that where we are being led serves a higher purpose. I urge you dear ones, through these poems to witness each piece of your soul and dream. Life continues to amaze, inspire and teach me. May you see your path illuminate and direct you clearly forwards. In light and in shadow, always with love ❤ Namaste 🙏
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My dear readers, what a transformational month September has turned out to be for me. In this post I want to briefly share what’s been happening to me since taking on my role as a shaman. I’ve written previously about how this entire journey back to myself began ten years ago in 2010 yet rapidly accelerated itself 15 months ago when I unearthed my deepest traumatic wound, being sexually molested as a child. That led me to find my teacher Lindsey and the magic of shamanic healing which propelled me into this homecoming of taking the role of a shamanic healer myself. This work is what I was created for and is the biggest accomplishment in my life.
In my last post I revealed that I was moving to Idaho to join my teacher and dear sister Lindsey Luna so we could combine our forces of magic facilitating a broader reach for our healing businesses and learn from each other more closely. I’ve accepted every challenge with gratitude because I follow my intuition these days which has led me to uncover my true and authentic self. I’m finally free and upon returning to my parents house after my week in Idaho, the pain came on quickly as realized that I no longer belonged there. The toxicity of dysfunction is repulsive to me now that I’ve healed. It didn’t take long for me to make the necessary arrangements to get here and I’m happy to announce that I’ve officially moved to Idaho 🏞
When I look over my steps this year, 2020 has been the most transformational time of my life. Yes, it’s been confusing and extremely painful yet also immensely beautiful and awe inspiringly magical. My dears, embracing the pain of the human experience has taught me to lean into the fear and alchemize it into love. Following the breadcrumbs of my heart, my feelings are how I’ve uncovered my truth. It’s been lying dormant underneath dysfunctional programming and conditioning that taught me to dissociate and not feel my own feelings for thirty-seven years. That held me back from my destiny and joy! Stepping back into my sensibilities has awakened in me my soul’s purpose. This weekend I have the privilege of giving back to Lindsey what she so lovingly gave to me upon our first shamanic healing session together in June of 2019. In innumerable ways, she saved me by clearing out energetically what was keeping me stuck and blocked from my heart. Our hearts contain the superpower which is love. There are two vibrations, fear and love….every other feeling is an offshoot of the two. It was through self love that I became my own hero and saved myself from the deep despair my life seemed to be on the inside.
Now that I’ve finally dusted off the years of trauma, polished my heart by making my self care priority number one, I’m find myself in the position to graciously give back to Lindsey by helping her heal in the shamanic way. This weekend we are embarking on a camping trip (my 1st since 2007!) together in order to fully focus on the shifts to her own self integration. The ceremony we held together that inducted me into the world as an official shaman has created many new awakenings for her. This healing is an exchange of energy, hugely beneficial to both parties. My dears, the cycle of healing is never-ending as is the breathing we do to live. Once you can accept both, the resistance eases and inner peace can be restored. Shamanic healing is deeply profound and is a game changer for what keeps you stuck. Trust me. I wouldn’t be “Triumphing over Trauma” by overcoming the many obstacles 2020 has presented to me like joblessness, twice relocating without my beloved partner while I completed my coursework and apprenticeship and self published two books of poetry. The proof is in tbe pudding they say😉
I like to look back at my writing and the poems I create because mostly they are channeled messages from my spiritual guides and angels. I originally wrote this poem, “I hope” in early April. After reading it again, I felt or I should say my guides felt it was in need of a republication. My dears, hope is available in abundance from the Creator. God offers us a chance to constantly try again, an endless amount of do-overs. Take a chance on yourselves. My favorite acronym for hope is Hold On Pain Ends. I’m living proof my dears and so are YOU💗
If you’re interested in scheduling a shamanic healing session (held in person and over the phone long distance, tarot card reading or purchasing any of my three books of poetry….hit this link. Love yourself 1st, so that you can love others❤
Life is full of ups and downs, ebbs and flows, peaks and valleys. Living with Complex PTSD and experiencing dissociative episodes these last eight years as a result of the severe trauma I have endured has presented many difficult challenges to my stability and daily functioning. Lately I have expierienced a shift that feels like the rug has been pulled out from under me. I’m stumbling and struggling while riding these waves of intense emotions. A place I haven’t been to in quite some time.
When I was with my family this past February, my son got to witness up close and personal how my empathetic abilities draw strangers to me for healing. These are the walking wounded, people who are looking to release their life’s burdens. He quietly observed as this woman approached me on the street to share with me her life story of heartache and pain. She needed to vent to someone who would listen with compassion and understanding. I’m humbled and blessed to be that outlet for others!
This past weekend I had my own unique experience with a fellow stranger who I later came to find out is an empath. She and I knew each other a very short time before she held my hand and confirmed to me some events in my life I haven’t admitted to myself or even uttered out loud. I have been walking around with this deep dark secret since a young child. This is the repressed memory and acknowledgement of being molested when I was five and six years old.
Four years ago I started the journey into healing my inner child. The main healing tool that has worked wonders for me is EMDR, the reprocessing of emotions pulling that “charge” of the trauma away lessening its severity from my mind, body and soul. Trauma is held in the body and can be reactivated and triggered long after the actual physical damage has occurred. Even though these events took place some thirty-five years ago, my cells have been “refired” and thoughts, feelings and flashbacks have come flooding back with a vengeance.
To add to this complex situation, I work in a fast paced, highly stressful work environment. Two days ago I had an emotional breakdown before work. In an instant I was struggling to breathe, heart racing, uncontrollable crying…..the whole thing. My current emotional mindset is NOT conducive to helping and serving others. I need to repack my trauma baggage, rediscover who I am while continuing to peel the layers back of my life’s onion.
I have been riding an intense wave of high emotions, enduring intrusive thoughts and nagging feelings of shame. Anybody who has gone through sexual abuse knows the debilitating feelings of shame. For me they have crippled my life for years at a time. My fear and panic gets triggered as I worry that I’m backsliding into the depths of overly intense emotions all over again. Something I thought I had neatly packed away and compartmentalized in my psyche.
The two questions that first stopped me in my tracks were, why me and why now? Everything was going great and I was feeling so confident. Now I feel angry, ashamed and sad. A kind of mourning is going on. I’m in the process of patiently accepting and observing these emotions without judging myself or wanting to harm myself. Que the intrusive thoughts and suicidal ideation. Here comes that heaviness in my heart and overall exhaustion telling me to stay in bed and pull the covers over my head. I’m grieving my childhood and loss of innocence all over again.
Here’s what I’ve learned so far. This is all part of the healing process. We must continually throughout our lives revisit the pain and trauma from our past in order to learn, grow and accept it ultimately freeing ourselves. I refuse to become “stuck” again. I know I must carry on and this too shall pass. I’m taking a break to be kind and gentle to myself. I’m not ok right now and that’s ok.
We live in a fast paced world where instant gratification is king. Self centered, ego driven and demanding people seem to be all over the place. There is a major lack of empathy and compassion in today’s cruel world and our culture is paying the price. I for one truly worry about the next generation and the harm on our human connection. Technology has influenced our society in many positive ways yet it’s the negative impact that terrifies me. We hardly speak on the phone any longer with each other. When was the last time you received a hand written letter? Most people walk down the street staring into a screen. The worst example is being out at a social gathering and nobody is talking to each other because everybody is preoccupied with their cell. Don’t even get me started on family dinners with my teens!
We are moving away from an important part of life. Learning how to develop and maintain close personal relationships is under attack and ironically enough, we humans invented it! Out of convenience the precious time spent interacting with each other has become fewer and far between. I feel so many of us have learned to separate ourselves from emotions for time’s sake. Ending relationships by text shouldn’t become acceptable because feelings are messy. If I read an email that I disagree with or am hurt by, I can quickly react and write one back before really thinking through the consequences before hitting that send button. It’s that knee jerk reactionary response to so much in life when it comes to our interactions that is causing undue stress and pain.
There is a big difference between these two actions. Responding to something or reacting to it are choices that can have large and damaging repercussions. I have explored this idea in my own life for the last few years. I made it a priority in all my interactions but most importantly with myself and how I treated me. Of course it will never be perfect but it’s become one of my works in progress. By learning to push that invisible pause button, imagine how much different outcomes in a wide range of situations could be! You get a mean text and instead of reacting to it, you thoughtfully respond. Not two seconds later either, you consciously decide to allow for some space between your thoughts, feelings and actions (whether or not to respond or react). Too many of us purely react to everything in life. We look at everything as though the entire world is against us and we must always be on the defense. Is that mindset allowing for space? How well does that serve us not only as a society but in our individual lives? These are some of the questions I ask myself.
When I encounter a difficult person or situation in life it’s easy to react to them and doesn’t require much thought, looking at it soley from the emotional side. If I can shift my thinking, push the pause button and allow for some space (even 15 seconds) imagine what my response can be?! Putting these ideas into actual practice helps them become more automatic. I have a tendency to act impulsively so this was a challenge for me at first. When I shifted my thinking to decide what was more instinctive to my nature, a loving response or a hateful reaction that’s what made all the difference.
In the end it’s all about staying true to onesef. I must decide to respond or react by what I value in myself. I refuse to take on what others want to impress upon me based on their own scewed perceptions. We are so caught up in the judgements of others that our minds start agreeing with them! Mostly I choose to respond to life in a kind and gentle way. Yes, when I’m met with anger and hatred it would be easy to react with more of the same but ultimately that doesn’t make me feel really good. I end up with regrets, nobody wins and especially learns anything from that kind of interaction.
More of us need to push that pause button. Respond with empathy and react with loving compassion. These are the human qualities that are virtually disappearing from too many around us. I hope you can find your pause button and allow for some space. The next generation is watching. This is a poem inspired by the concept of space.