Spirituality

10 of my favorite feelings

From my ❤ to your ❤, huge thanks to https://coronadayslockdown.wordpress.com/author/writeruniquesoul/ 

I love it when the Universe creates a moment to snap me out of a self destructive pattern like overthinking. Unique Soul, I appreciate the tag and the opportunity to write and reflect upon the gratitude I have for the little things in life that make life worth living! This came at a perfect time, getting me out of my own head and into my heart while I process some old wounds that popped up yesterday. These ten things are in no particular order😊

1. Connecting with my soul/yoga/meditation/shamanic journeying🧘‍♀️

Embracing the multidimensional human being I am. Taking time to be fully present in both my humanity and spirituality is always a highlight to my day. It’s how I start my day, a little check in with myself and the best way to ground into my body and the Earth. Lately, since I have been learning the magic of shamanic healing, getting to journey with my spirit guides and meditating are one and the same. Just being and feeling inner peace is priceless. I also find that I’m happiest when connecting to nature. Here is a picture I snapped today while on my bike ride.

White horse

2. Dancing, singing, painting, writing…doing anything creative…freeing my spirit💃

I’m an upbeat, positive and highly energetic person by nature. I love channeling all my energy into being creative. Expressing myself, embracing my inner weirdo, letting my freak flag fly….ALL OF THAT! It’s taken me many years to accept myself for who I am and nowadays I live to be the artistic, highly sensitive empowered empath who owns her power while leaving my mark on this world with art.

Google made a GIF of me

3. Spending time at the beach😎🌊

I’ve written before about how much I adore being at the beach, it’s my happy place. I definitely have saltwater in my veins my dear readers. I have a lot of masculine yang energy and the Sun and I have been best friends forever! Being at the beach excites all my senses. Here in South Florida, the water is warm enough to swim all year round. Floating is one of my favorite pastimes while visiting. I was blessed to have lived on a private beach ten years ago and I know someday I will live near or on the beach again. For now I get to soak up the views on my parent’s lake.

100%

4. Live music events🎶

In my high school years I was blessed to travel with The Dead and yes my dear readers, I’m a deadhead. It’s ingrained in my hippie soul to twirl to instrumental experimentation groovy music. I have a ziploc bag chock full of ticket stubs from all the music concerts and festivals I have attended since age 15. I love a wide array of bands and musicians. I’ve seen such acts as Harry Connick Jr. Live at Radio City Music Hall, Eric Clapton, Bella Fleck and the Flecktones, Bob Dylan (multiple times), The Rolling Stones, Coldplay and Michael Franti with Spearhead to name but a few. I also enjoy small hip lounge spots with live jazz, blues even classical. I’m a music lover and it soothes my soul. Right now I’m reading a book about how healing sound is. I’ve shared on here the Sound Heal app I use daily to adjust my own vibrations to the 7 different Solfeggio tones. I highly recommend checking it out.

Groovy baby

5. Being held by my man, the love of my life and spending quality time together

I started this post stating that this list is in no particular order but this is number 1 in my heart. My partner is my best friend, my companion and my favorite human being on the planet! This time apart is very difficult on both of us while he is still in Dallas tying up loose ends. I know once we are reunited it will be spectacular! We will finally be able to start our life together after many years of taking care of family. We recently celebrated 7 years together and we’ve agreed this is our year to finally tie the knot. Stay tuned for that my dears.

My man & I

6. Sharing ideas and learning new things🦋

It’s no secret that I love people and being a social butterfly. Having stimulating conversations and learning new things from people is something I must admit I miss right now during this lockdown. However, I have been able to participate in some group events via Zoom and I really enjoy interacting with people from all over the world! I tell my boys how important it is to keep an open mind and never stop learning. If you pay attention, you can learn something new every day.

I am a student of life
Always🧐

7. Chatting with my lady friends, my soul sisters, my tribe👸

The older I get, the more I cherish and gravitate towards my female tribe. I’m very blessed to have a solid group of lady sister friends that I can laugh with, cry with, share secrets, reminisce with and grab a cup of coffee. My girls are an array of people I have known most of my life with a mix of  salt of the Earth sisters that I met online yet we were cut from the same cloth. In this past year I have met a few ladies that I firmly believe I spent a past life or two with. God bless technology, especially right now.

Soul sister tribe

8. Laughing, the good ol belly kind of laugter🤣

Whether it’s kicking back with family or friends, reminiscing over the good ol days or watching a silly movie, I love to laugh. Life is too short not to find the humor in things. Plus, having spent many years stuck in Complex PTSD sticky emotions, fear and depression I relish laughing. Hearing children’s laughter is the purest gift from God.

Love me some Chandler Bing

9. Being a Mom👩‍👦‍👦

My children are my best accomplishments in life. I thank God on a daily basis for giving me the best lessons in life through motherhood. I feel like I didn’t fully understand unconditional love and the act of selflessness until I became a mother. My boys are now 18 and 15. The time has definitely gone by too fast. I’m blessed to have been afforded the means in my first marriage to be a stay at home mother for 12 years, during their formative years. They make me so proud. I have put emphasis on raising good human beings. I always told them, it’s great if you can do well in school but I care more about the kind of person you are. Being kind, respectful of others, thoughtfulness, and love goes a long way in my book.

Miles 11 and Ty 15

10. Getting into bed at night😴

I’m definitely more of a night owl than an early riser my dear readers. In my last position as a boutique manager, I worked nights so it wouldn’t be unusual for me to go to bed at 2 AM or so. Now that I’ve changed up my life so much, moved to a new place and am shifting careers into healing as an independent contractor my days are my own. I usually get up by 9 or so and I go go GO all day long so by 11, I’m more than ready to get under the covers. While writing this, I’m reflecting upon how much this change has really changed me! I love going to bed now and I have mostly been a person who didn’t get into bed until so late. To me this means, I’m becoming more content with me. Every month, more and more I can see myself becoming who I was always meant to be. I have created a sanctuary in my bedroom here in my parents house. I love my alter next to my bed, I have my crystals all around me, my candles and my aromatherapy essential oils. In true Ladysag77 fashion, here is my latest poem.

Remember

Please check out my two books of poetry available on Amazon and keep an eye out for my third book to be released soon! Here are the links:

Spirituality

Mid-life renaissance

This post is my truth. Raw, real and 100% genuinely me. At 42 years young, I have arrived at a place that is the opposite of a mid-life crisis that I am calling my mid-life renaissance!

I have been writing a lot in this last year of the spiritual awakenings (2 actually, one of Kundalini energy) I experienced in June of 2019 after finally coming to terms with the sexual abuse I encountered as a child. Since I admitted out loud that yes, I was molested at ages 5 and 6, absolutely nothing has been the same! I sought out healing on all levels….energetically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s been full steam ahead towards what feels the best for Maria. My soul is free, my heart is at peace with the amazing people I have met, the moments of pure bliss and joy I have felt but mostly I am eternally grateful to God for bringing through all of it so that I may finally say I am happy with who I am today.

This feeling is the opposite of a lot of clichés we hear in our society today. No more “fake it till you make it.” Forget having a bad case of “the fuck its.” Good bye and good riddance to all of it as I usher in a feeling of rebirth, renewal and rejuvenation! I can’t even put into words what it feels like to leave all expectations, judgements and opinions of not only my own making but especially those of anybody else around me! The only “fuck that” I feel is towards what anybody else thinks of me. This ephiany has taken ten long years to come to fruition and I know it’s never finished or ever over for this is just the beginning my dear readers…..and I say BRING IT ON LIFE!!!

It hasn’t been easy for the ones closest to me and for that I’m sorry. Spiritual awakenings don’t come with instruction booklets or how-to guides. I know I have been confused and bewildered by some of my own thoughts and behaviors at times. Like a butterfly during it’s metamorphosis, there has been loads of goo to wade through to be able to say, I have finally broken through the cocoon. Spreading my wings and flying bolding out of my shell has made some doubt their place in my world. Rest assured, I will not name names here because the ones I love know who they are.

I have no apologies and definitely no regrets. I view everything differently, as though through a newborn’s eyes. I now have what can best be described as a deep sense of knowing what is right for me and a carefree attitude in achieving it. As an intuitive empath, I am now empowered and realized. As my partner once commented, spirituality doesn’t take a day off. I remain 100% committed to my selfcare routines because I know how to maintain this feeling of self love by practicing what I need to for my wellbeing. I have decided that absolutely nothing can take it’s place.

In our society and culture, especially for women, what I am describing is seen as selfishness. I couldn’t disagree more! Nobody else is responsible for my happiness, no external material possession can even compare to this feeling of inner peace and self acceptance. Nothing.

I believe everything happens for a reason and unfolds in God’s Divine time and never before He decides we are ready. All I did was devote my life to Him, believe in Him and trust. Making my mind up to always keep a tight grip on hope while maintaining faith that no matter what was happening, I would be ok. Over the past ten years, I have stumbled, cried, screamed, clawed my way through every situation life can throw at a person. Divorce, losing contact with my boys, mental breakdowns, multiple hospitalizations, joblessness, homelessness, bankruptcy on all levels physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I literally had to have it all stripped away from me. The pain I endured was deep enough for me to finally want to change it all. It was only then that I became open enough to face what I call the pit of my issues which was the sexual trauma I dissociated from and buried for the past thirty-five years.

Slowly and surely I began to open up more and more. Little by slowly, time taking time as it does, my life took on a new feel. Moody moments brimming with self harming behavior gave way to the moments where I sit in meditation crying tears of joy for the immense love I feel towards God, my spirit guides, angels, saints, and never the least my dear Nana who has been my closest confidant. I have felt her with me since she passed over March 17, 2006. She visits me in my dreams, sends me messages, shares her bliss as a spirit through the visions I experience. Whenever I ask her for a sign, she delivers one. When I’m feeling lonely, I can feel her hugging me.

I have written before about feeling like a late bloomer all of my life. I believe that this new direction I am heading in is no different. I don’t regret a single day of heartache, traumatizing experience or even emotional breakdown. All of it has led me here. Releasing myself from that which I feared has helped bring me here. Every tear has helped create this smile I wear proudly on my face everyday. Every doubt I put upon myself has allowed me now to think, why not? I’m gonna do it!! If I can think it, feel it, believe it then it will be!

Patiently awaiting for my intentions to manifest is where I find myself today. Moving through life at my own desired pace. If it doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it. I am through with betraying myself to please anyone else. Change occurs when the pain of existing in the same patterns becomes too great to carry on. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired!

There is no magic formula. There are no short cuts. There is definitely no right way to achieve the place I find myself in now. Every morning I say please God and every night I say thank you for everything in my life. Sprinkled in throughout each day are the moments of silence and deep gratitude for making it this far.

For the first time in a long time, I’m excited about where life is taking me as I begin a new career path to become a shamanic healer. A few days ago, I laid out all of my tools and blessed them by burning sage while setting my intentions aloud. I remain hopeful and optimistic about tomorrow. I relish each moment for I know that is all that is real. I love you all. Amen🙌

Mental health, Spirituality

The art of allowing love is magic

Oh love, what a complicated and fickle pursuit it can be! My dear readers I have come into such an abundance of love’s pure energy flow lately and so far my new year is as bright and shiny as my spirit is. Last Monday I expierenced my third vision, out in nature, which I just love. Awe inspiring and breathtakingly beautiful! Looking up at the sky now holds more meaning for me than ever before. As I continue to heal and push through obstacles, one solution remains constant and true and that is love. When we allow love to flow freely throughout our entire being it frees us from our problems and allows us to be closer to Source and Divine power.

In keeping with my daily rituals while always setting the intention to allow a steady stream of unconditional love to flow through I am reminded to surrender. Love presents a polarity between weakness and strength. When we are in love we are vulnerable because we are putting our heart out there and there’s always a possibility we might be hurt or let down. Yet when we do this, we are showing strength in our belief that we deserve and want love. Accessing superior energy, which is God (or whatever higher power you believe in) we are able to look inward and feel that essence inside of us. It’s there in abundance dear readers. I know this to be true because I kept myself closed off from it for years. My intuition was quiet almost inaudible, barely being listened to. Now, ten years into this spiritual and self healing journey, it is loud and clear.

The first step was learning to love myself and to do that I had to figure a few things out. Understanding where I had been, why I was here and what was my soul’s purpose became goals that had me reading anything in the spiritual realm I could get my hands on. Seeking out therapists, taking medications for a time (15 years to be exact) to heal from the severe traumas I had experienced, attending outpatient therapies like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). Getting my mind right as the kids say, was a painstaking process that has instilled patience with myself into my core. None of this happens overnight 🤯

Along this journey I learned some powerful tools that I incorporate into my daily self care practices. Meditation is hugely vital to my well being and allows me quiet reflection and observation space to my rapidly shifting thoughts. Listening to binaural sounds at varying frequencies allows me to hear my spirit guides better and receive messages from them. We all have these angels all around us and last week Universe gifted me an angel orchestra of them during my vision. I have been asking for a sign to show me they were here and as I gazed up into the big blue sky while the moon was showing herself, all of a sudden I saw hundreds of twinkling white lights! Immediately I knew that they were my guides saying hello. I was filled with an indescribable sense of comfort and warmth while tears streamed down my face, it was one of the most beautiful sights to behold.

After that, my week continued to unfold in both positive and painful ways. I have come to a point in my life where I can see the beauty and purpose within pain. It’s my body’s signal and way of teaching me what I need to heal from, let go, accept and turn into strength. It’s like magic when you think about it that way. I’m no masochist, I no longer engage in self denial and I don’t seek out pain on purpose. I do however believe pain is one of our greatest teachers. Over my 42 years, I have experienced an incredible amount of pain and heartache that I know now served its purpose in instilling a deep love and kindness for my fellow humans and all living things for that matter.

When you allow love in you understand it’s the only truth

I was drawn to do some inner child healing too last week which used to scare me because it was painful to look at. Now that I feel more in tune with my own emotions, loving myself in this way allows me to reparent the little me inside. Planning for and scheduling activities that bring out my childhood essence is really important for my continued growth, self integration and evolvement. These include talking to myself, dancing, going out in nature, painting, listening to music and singing along. Playing around with sounds like chanting, even swinging on a swing! That was my favorite activity as a child, I always felt like I was flying so high and free.

Remembering this part of me allows me to be my own hero and rescue myself which is hugely empowering. I write letters to my younger self at different ages reminding her she is no longer alone and is seen, heard and loved. It’s again, a kind of magic when those old stories that ran through my head telling me I’m not good enough or I am too much, too sensitive get triggered to start playing and now this new more calming and comforting voice is heard in their absence. Reparenting myself is a huge gift to not only me but those who love me and are in my life can see a big shift in my outlook and self confidence. Isn’t it amazing how music can fill the shallow parts of our souls allowing us this wonderful connection with who we are?

As an empath, I have lived most of my life distracted and focused upon other’s feelings and thoughts while neglecting my own. Honestly, my own were scary to me and overwhelming so I neglected them in favor of trying to save or rescue another. I can also admit that even during my current relationship with my fiance, there have been many many times that I looked to him to save me. Finally, I understand that only I can save me. I am responsible for my own happiness and the inner joy I feel is fueled by such self love and gratitude for the lessons I’ve learned. I have no regrets and I wouldn’t change a minute of my life thus far.

My main goal for this year has been to put myself out there more by releasing my inhibitions once and for all. I have forced myself to do more video confessionals that I post on my social media @emotionalmusings on both Instagram and Facebook. I hoped to attend my first poetry slam where I would perform one of my most personal poems, “Glimpses”this past Friday. My words are like my children and it both terrifies and excites me to share them on a stage. Unfortunately the weather here in Dallas kept me from attending but it turns out Universe is granting me another opportunity to do it this Friday because I have the night off from work!! YAY😊

I also reached out to a dear fellow empath friend @emilyrainbowglo on Instagram to ask her if she would want to do a collaboration with me, a live chat for our fellow empaths to feel empowered by and learn from. I was thrilled with the outcome of our conversation yesterday, it was seamless! It’s still available for a few more hours if you dear readers would like to hear what we had to talk about. It’s based around love and surrendering to it, allowing in self love and care so that we can protect our precious spirit and gifts while being open to receiving messages from the Universe. I have also asked another healer and dear friend of mine if I could join her on her new podcast. I will keep you dear readers in the loop of when that happens but for now you can follow her on Instagram @comealivewithchrissymarie and her podcast on Spotify is called, “The Art of Aliveness”. I will post the link below so you can check her out too.

https://open.spotify.com/episode/7aiqLKqwfl9Z4KkjLllPe8?si=Aw8ANxUhRnW3cLMg1WzGjA

I have made up my mind that this year, 2020 is the year I stop holding myself back. I have done just that for one reason or another for the last 40 years and finally, FINALLY I feel strong enough to put my hand ✋ up to anything or anybody that tries to have me go back into a box or wants to label me, stifle my spirit….no thank you!! I am determined to let my free spirit soar as high as I can fly! I also did a confessional for a company I represent by sharing my story. I have it published here as a post under, “My journey with BodHD,” but I will also drop the link below so it can be accessed here too.

I wrote this poem last night that really expresses my love and gratitude to the elements, the Universe that has held me in its loving arms, nurturing my spirit even when I was neglecting it and continued to show to love and acceptance. That little voice has always been there giving me the strength to never give up. Whatever pushes you along my dear readers, keep doing it. Don’t let anything stop you, ever. Shine and allow the world your gifts. Never give up. I am a forever friend to all and I appreciate your support, follows and likes. You can always reach out to me, I love to listen. You too can “Triumph over Trauma “😊💪💜

The elements that make me who I am
Mental health, Spirituality

Intentions for an open heart

When in doubt follow your heart. That mantra has been my focal point all of my life. As the empathetic, passionate and free spirited woman I am following my heart’s desire has always felt right to me. In the years since I have been healing myself from trauma however, there were many times where I would tell my partner that I felt a disconnection between my heart and my mind. I can recall a specific time four years ago when that realization made me so sad and confused. Unraveling trauma, pain stuck in my body has taken time and required me to simply be patient with myself.

I have loads of patience for others yet I tend to be more harshly impatient with my own progress in this area. The integration between my heart and soul while processing my own emotions surrounding trauma has taught me that I can’t force anything to happen. Creating a false sense of security by telling myself that it’s not that upsetting or lying to myself that “I’m ok” only furthered the process. The sentiment of “time takes time” just came to mind. I’m thankful I surrendered to the process and showed myself grace. It’s yielded tremendous growth for my spirituality and awakening journey!

Another opportunity presented itself recently in regards to allowing my heart to remain open, just feeling the feelings, without intellectualizing them and over explaining them. I was made aware of the fact that I tend to do this. It’s an old coping skill I developed in order for me to feel safe in my body, feeling everything and everybody all at once. As an empath, for so long before I realized it was detrimental to my own well being, I have tended more to others feelings while stuffing or numbing my own away. My fast moving energy creates BIG intense feeling sensations in my body and I was fearful of them.

After reflecting on why I have done this throughout my life, understanding that it’s no longer necessary and shifting into open heartedness requires me to evoke that same level of patience with myself. I have noticed that when I start to digress into old behaviors and patterns my posture changes. I cross my arms and hug my body, slouching my shoulders, I don’t stand with my head held as high. Being aware of how this overwhelming and uncomfortable feeling actually feels in my body allows me an opportunity to grow. In the past, I would allow this low vibrational fear to consume me. Now, operating from a place of love which is a higher vibration, I feel more empowered to overcome that fear. Sitting with it, tending to my own emotional response has proven to be so powerful!

I recently learned how to quickly reconnect with my heart and my soul’s power by clearing my central channel. I rub my hands together creating energy and hold then in front of my pelvic/hip region. Then I raise them up over my body slowly while visualizing releasing any stagnant energy that may be blocking me from my power. Once I get to my heart I stop and shake my hands off as though they were wet. I practiced this the other day while staring at myself in the mirror. The intense feelings I got, the rush of self love made me feel happy and warm all over.

I’m using my power and gifts of sense mastery to heal myself! It’s incredibly empowering my dear readers. This is new ground for me. Becoming the master of my emotions and the creator of my reality is a shift I had no idea would change how I see everything in my world. Forever, my feelings and other’s have run my life in a negative and harmful way. I didn’t know how to sort it all out and I have gone through forgiving myself for not knowing how best to care for myself.

I believe that the way I was treating myself, misunderstanding how best to care for my spirit left me with a deep sadness that I have carried for a long, long time. When someone would ask me, “what’s wrong” it was often difficult to articulate exactly why but now I know it was this heaviness dragging my down creating sadness and eventually pain. Like a broken heart. I was unaware of how it was affecting my life. Now that I’m on the other side of it I know I have found the key to eternal happiness.

Happiness isn’t something you can get from external sources my dear readers. It must be cultivated from within. God has created us with everything we need for balance and peace within our own amazing bodies! I used to feel my heart was failing me because I felt too much and that my brain was attacking me because my thoughts ran so quickly through my mind. It was a terrible, victim like perception I was inflicting upon myself. I now see that I had the power all along to change and feel better. By taking care of my emotional and spiritual needs on a daily basis I have established a strong bond within myself. I make the promise with myself every day to never go back to my old ways. I release the worry and fear surrounding the entire thought I even would.

This new year 2020 feels like it’s going to be my brightest year yet🌠🌈🎇🙏❤

Mental health, Spirituality

Wherever you go, there you are

I have always liked the idea of wherever you go, you take yourself with you. In other words, you can change your physical location, surroundings or environment and that is all that actually is different because you are still you. The idea surrounding the possibility of instant growth simply because your physical surroundings are different is idealistic. We take ourselves, good, bad or indifferent wherever we go because we are creatures of habit. We don’t naturally like change. Change is scary and it upsets our egos. Ego mindset is there to keep us safe and small. Observing and deciphering the story our egos tell us is the first step in creating the real shift that is necessary for actual change.

Happiness is an inside job my dear readers. You can fly around the world, search the deepest forests, oceans and scour the beach for the meaning of life or buy things in attempt to find happiness and still come up short because no matter what you do or where you go, we must still answer to ourselves. Searching the external world for what makes one happy is never the answer for only we can create joy and peace within our own reality. The ability to think is what makes us uniquely human. The ability to understand we are not our thoughts is what allows us to become creators of our own reality. How empowering is that? Very😊

While I was thinking about writing this post, I read an article about the comparison of attitudes that either empower growth or can hold one back. The following are five attitudes that create confidence in contrast to overconfidence in life.

There is a difference between feeling truly capable of handling something versus thinking that YOU are the only one capable of accomplishing something. Now, I will state that I know and believe that the only thing I think I am the best suitable person for is taking care of myself. That being said, in every other situation, it isn’t very productive to think and definitely act like you are the only one who can do XYZ. When one thinks that way, it’s a set up for failure.

Overconfident people will continually talk without hearing others, I mean really listening to them. Confident and successful people understand that it’s best to always be learning while keeping an open mind to hearing something new. There must be a balance between talking and listening. I tell my boys to always remain open to new ideas and concepts because when one stops learning, growing ceases and spirit starts to die. This is a mindset that is easy to spot in others, usually depressed people who think they have nothing to offer the world. When those thoughts arise, recognizing that that is an ego based story devised to keep us small and free from changing. That thought can impede growth and squash all possibilities if one acts upon it.

The right kind of attitude is necessary for success in everything one sets out to accomplish. When I have an unrealistic belief that I’m too perfect to make any mistakes, I am attempting to act like a God. We are human and only God is perfect. Therefore it’s best to keep yourself in check by putting your best effort into achieving your goals. Thriving for your best, effortly speaking, is a better way of knowing that the only control you have is putting your best foot forward. We humans are fallible and will make mistakes along the way indefinitely.

That idea brings me to my next point which is being able to learn from your mistakes so that you don’t have to repeatedly keep making the same ones over and over again! We can either learn from our many mistakes along the way or we can choose to let our mistakes hold us back from actually acquiring the lesson and instilling it within our souls so the next time we remember that feeling and take steps to avoid that kind of self induced pain again.

Lastly, people who are confident work to gain respect from those around them by showing loyalty and kindness towards others while maintaining a down to Earth attitude. Overconfident people demand to be the main attraction and the center of attention. The latter type of person I try to avoid at all costs because they are extremely draining on my energy reserves. They lack self acceptance and are constantly seeking it from external sources.

Honestly, I have recently noticed that throughout my life as an empath, I have drawn in many narcissists and sociopaths. Those looking to drain my life force energy because they are so unsettled within their own beings and have no regard for human emotions. Since my spiritual growth has taken hold and my vibration has been raised, I only attract other like minded people to me. Mostly other extra sensory people, empaths, lightworkers and metaphysically interested people. It’s very awesome and a gift from Universe💜

Through daily meditation, over the years, I have learned to observe my own at times monkey mind. I can’t control what I think because I know our minds love to link information together and at times, tell us lies that keep me safe ….ego stories again. All that is within my power is the ability to put space between my thoughts and my actions. Meditation helps me grow that much needed space by passively observing. That’s when I can decipher what my thoughts are trying to tell me. I’m able to then break down my thoughts into the category of either rational or irrational.

I first learned these techniques while attending cognitive behavioral and dialetical behavioral therapyies. These two courses saved my life in many ways because I was allowing my overactive thinking to control my life instead of me being the master. I found myself in a downward spiral trying to escape my life in unhealthy ways and ultimately in permanence when I attempted suicide eight years ago.

I’ve entered a point in my life today where I feel an intense gratitude for everything! The people I have met, the lessons I have learned, the mistakes I have made, the opportunities I have been granted, the many experiences I can add to my tool belt by living life with am open mind along with my free flowing spirit. I love where I am. I am so grateful for where I find myself today and yes, I have brought myself here.

Spirituality

Shedding my skin, answering the call

We have officially entered this last month of 2019 my dear readers. I awoke this morning with lots of words swirling around my head which for this creative soul means a poem is about to come through. I have always relied upon writing to express my feelings and emotions. In this past year I have relied heavily upon creating poems to articulate my own life’s observations and experiences. Today one word kept popping up over and over again, bones.

In the past six months, as you my dear readers know, I have had an accelerated growth period within the spiritual awakening I now find myself in. This process has allowed me to shed so many old coping habits, mindsets and behaviors that no longer serve my highest self. That’s what I’m very focused on in life, what works and what doesn’t.

I’m an empath that has incredibly fast moving energy. I absorb it like a sponge through my pores. I liken my thoughts to a spinning rolodex. When a poem is forming in my mind, I see the words written across a kind of white board as a vision. They come together quickly and don’t take much effort on my part at all. The phrase that kept repeating in my mind this morning was, make no bones about it. As usual, I googled it for the exact definition:

To Make No Bones About Something. Meaning: To say clearly what you think or feel about something, however unpleasant or awkward it. To make no bones about something means to say something in a way that leaves no doubt, or to have no objection to it.

This makes perfect sense to me. First of all, I am honest to a fault. Being both an empath and a Sagittarius, at times my words spill out bluntly with little or no tact to my delivery. I speak my mind and my truth as i always have. I know this is one of the traits my fiance adores the most in me. He knows when he asks me my opinion on something, he always gets the truth! I can further relate to this phrase very much while I make this shift, shedding outdated ways to deal with life like a repitle sheds it’s old skin to make way for a new one. Snakes and lizards do this to allow for growth and to remove parasites that have attached themselves to their old skin. Again, this too I can relate to. I’m always growing and evolving, getting rid of aspects within my life that have become a drain upon me. A parasite sucks the nutrients it needs to live and feeds off of its host.

Before I started this deep inner work, I can admit to allowing others to feed off of my energy. Family, friends even co-workers would become very draining for me to handle and that was detrimental to my own well being. I have always had a very high tolerance and patience for drama therefore in my past I made decisions within my relationships that were in hindsight not the best for my life long term. That was then, this is now.

Like that animal who sheds its skin in order to allow for growth and a cleansing of the blood sucking, leech like organisms, I too am ridding myself of the pests in my life by letting go. Getting down to my bare bones. Building a newer and more solid foundation for my authentic self to blossom within. My spirit deserves to breathe free and fly to where the winds of change my take me. An emotional and mental cleansing that is happening at a rapid pace to keep up with my intentions and manifestations.

Recently I had a video chat with a fellow female empath that was so inspiring and validating to my soul! She was so open and kind by complimenting me on my inner strength and realized powerful spirit. It made me blush at first honestly because I’m new to fully accepting compliments. She told me to shine like the queen’s essence I embody. After we said our goodbyes, her words were still in my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror and I told myself, “Maria, this is your time to shine and if others can’t handle it or find fault in your new found confidence, tell them to put on sunglasses!”

I’m at the stage in my life where I can see the big picture clearly. Speaking of glasses, I feel like I just got a new pair! All the questions and curiosity’s about life that I have had up to this point are all being answered revealing my path’s purpose. I am here to listen, share, heal and inspire others who feel lost, marginalized or forgotten. I know that feeling all too well and I won’t allow anybody I come across to feel that kind of severe hopelessness and worthlessness. I have walked in those ratty, torn up shoes of despair too and I will do whatever I can to lend a hand or a smile to those in need. A disrupter in life that fights against hate and evil to shine a light of empathy and compassion for those that need it. It’s in my bones. It’s my calling and I am answering it wholeheartedly and determined to make a difference.

Mental health

Celebrating the small steps

In the last few days an undeniable and solid peace has washed over and is comforting me. My analytical mind wants to call out all of the reasons why I think this is so. Again, even while writing this and essentially downloading my thoughts on the subject of furthering this self healing journey I am on, I can’t help but see how both parts of my brain are working together. Not just the logic seeking, results driven analytical part but also the communicative, creative and empathetic part too working in a kind of see saw effect. I once dwelled so intensely in just the analytical part of my mind. So much so that I would get lost in the whys and feel terribly stuck. Sound familiar to anyone?

In the past as I just mentioned, I felt cut off and deprived at times from my creativeness. I believe that to be the lighter, more carefree and fearless part of me that can show myself compassion and grace. These two sides are no longer at war with each other. They have founded a new partnership and by doing so I am feeling a real sense of freedom.

I spend a lot of time these days reading about and exploring levels of consciousness. I believe that I am in the process of teasing out two concepts. One being observing how my ego mediates between superego and the id aspects of my personality. The stories each can spin in order to protect myself and impede the incredible shift that I’m undergoing are challenging my entire thought process while I expand my consciousness. Uncovering my true self, rewriting old and unfounded beliefs, lies really that don’t match my reality is for me just a higher level of awareness.

The second concept is integration of my shadow self and how much awareness I now have whenever I feel myself getting uncomfortable with parts of myself that feel at first shameful and threatening to my sanity. By digging a bit deeper and unconconditionally loving those parts of myself, I have created space for more acceptance of myself.

For example, the beliefs I have surrounding my own sexuality used to feel dirty and wrong. Instinctively I have been both dissoactive and dialectical when it comes to sex in general seeing it as both beautifully pleasurable, necessary as a bodily function while also feeling negatively full of shame. Yes, that is due to the sexual abuse and trauma I have experienced but it’s amazing how many other stories my ego would silently scream at me surrounding other aspects of my personality that aren’t part of my sexual identity as a woman.

I am continuing to tap into my self care rituals and reestablishing my yoga practice, breathwork and meditation has been hugely effective in gaining more mindfulness of both my thoughts and my physical awareness. How my feelings feel in my body. The most recent being a redefined focus of how anger feels. I know anger is born out of fear and while most of my life has been run by fear and anxiety, it makes sense to me that I am now paying closer attention to how anger feels.

I had blocked, stuffed and dissociated myself from these two most uncomfortable and troubling feelings. It sounds silly now to me but fear played a role in my drive that in the past I felt necessary to propel me on in life. Anger was something I completely denied and wouldn’t allow myself to truly feel. When I’m angry I have felt ugly, wrong and unworthy. These were the mixed messages my brain was being sent that only drove me further down sufferings path.

Now integrating these different yet vital pieces of my psyche I can clearly see how each one serves me and allows my resilience to grow. I’m having to have patience with myself which is extremely hard for me. I’m great at holding this space for others but when the focus is on me I immediately become impatient with myself. Meditation allows for and creates space between these conflicting thoughts. Once messages are challenged and the universe sends me signs that tell me to accept, love and care for myself in spite of my shortcomings, peace and contentment can grow and take root in my soul.

It’s so richly rewarding to be taking care of myself in these ways. Reparenting my wounded inner child, loving and accepting the small accomplishments will lead me to succeed. I have always held space for others, putting them before myself being and being the ultimate people pleaser. These days I am reevaluating how I feel in each of my relationships and establishing stronger boundaries. I’m deciding what is and isn’t my responsibility and what I will or won’t allow from others. It’s the ultimate in self love dear readers.

I’m really seeing how much these last 6 months of deep diving into integration of my shadow and reexamining my self acceptance, holding space for grace towards myself has given to my entire outlook on life. I know success is in my near future now. Doing this work has allowed me to open up my ability to tap into my flow state more. Operating from a much more conscious place. Focusing on really learning to love me.

Untangling shame is so empowering and is helping me alter my perceptions which give my creative mind even more to explore. Dwelling in the sticky uncomforbility of it all, challenging difficult emotions and moods is becoming a new superpower. I have accepted that only Maria can take the best care for Maria. This conversation I’m having with myself represents true inner beauty and acceptance because both light and dark must meet in order to be completely authentic ❤️

Mental health, Spirituality

Anniversary reaction and the new moon

This October has been very emotionally draining for me. As I realized the date today staring back at me just this morning it dawned on me the fact that every October and November in the past eight years have unfolded that way. Having Complex PTSD is the culprit because there is this little phenomenon that happens called the Anniversary reaction or effect. My body remembers that eight years ago within the months of October and November I endured tremendously intense trauma.

This month also ushered in the Harvest full moon on Oct.13th and in the past two days we have been feeling the affects of the new moon rising in Scorpio. Google defines this new moon as this:

The 2019 New Moon In Scorpio is about embracing the unknown. It’s rare that life unfolds exactly as you want it to. Often, what results is a mess of both success and failure. Even if you get what you want, it might not feel as fulfilling as you thought it would.”

Boy does THAT resonate with me! Needless to say, the combination of energy forces has proved to be quite tumultuous for me dear readers. It’s required me to put more effort into my self care by closely monitoring the daily reflections I jot down in my journal. My favorite tool in counterbalancing these emotional shifts is journaling. Remaining self aware of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors helps keep me in the moment as much as possible when my ego starts whispering lies and goes into full on protective mode.

Becoming more and more “realized ” as an empath, the rapidly downloaded messages I receive from the universe have also kept me on my toes. Here in Dallas, we expierienced a tornado and lots of thunderstorms that caused severe damage. Thankfully, the area of the city I live in was unaffected but I can definitely attest to feeling the vibrational pressure and sheer force of that kind of destructive power. The only option when faced with such strength is to remain as calm as possible by constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass. These temporary effects in nature and the energy being felt has resulted in an overwhelming amount of heaviness on me. Each day this month I felt a varying degree of extra pressure.

The best defense I have found is sticking to my daily rituals. The more my body can expect the comforting aspects of each self compassion tool I employ the more relaxed my hypervigilance is. Granted, this is time consuming and can definitely put strain on my day if I don’t make the proper allowances. Time management is an extremely important part of planning my day.

Another thing I’ve been reminded of this month is to resist making decisions during this period of intense emotional upheaval. Making decisions based in emotion is something I used to do a lot in my past. Afterwards, I learned that those decisions produced unsuccessful outcomes so I must refrain from those knee jerk reactionary responses. This month I was reminded almost daily to chill out. My best defense is to NOT react.

This month is a good example of growing pains. Nothing changes when life is easy and I don’t challenge myself. In the past six months I have conducted a complete overhaul of my internal story, my core beliefs and reassessment of the painful memories related to the traumas I have survived. My brain pushes back upon the new pathways I have built because our brains don’t accept change easily. My fight, flight or freeze triggers have also been in overdrive as I confront the difficult emotions that have long been cemented into my internal story.

These challenging feelings include an unrealistic sense of being abandoned, unaccepted and unloved. A constant, nagging reoccurring thought of not being worthy has threatened to cripple my behavior and how I respond to uncomforbility. I want to give up, throw the towel in. Pushing through these moments creates a feeling of accomplishment that raises my self esteem. I’ve been reminded that, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I have leaned on this mantra a lot lately. Incorporating breathwork and meditation is essential for soothing the conflicting messages my brain screams at me. Again, this too shall pass…..if I let it!

Relaxing into the natural flow and unfolding of life by consciously releasing my white knuckle grip on how I think life should be is a daily challenge and one that I meet with head on every morning. Positive self talk sets me straight and gives me permission to accept these difficult emotions. Reminding myself that growth is sometimes painful. Change isn’t easy. It’s natural to have bad days while the process of self healing continues. It’s a never ending journey. Eight years ago I attempted to end it all. Even though this month and next stand as yearly reminders of my painful past, it’s also another opportunity for self forgiveness.

Today, I feel more empowered and I know that I have a choice. That’s a fact I didn’t believe I had eight years ago. I am not my past. I have grown a lot and am continuing to heal. A journey I am grateful to of chosen.

Mental health, Spirituality

Intentionally releasing and letting go

Where to begin. It seems too much. Thoughts running through seem my mind are sometimes too much. I must get this out is what my soul is yearning to scream. Was all of this for real or is it just a dream? The affects of the full moon are upon me in full force this weekend. I am needing a release of my thoughts and feelings, these words more than ever, to be dumped from my mind.

I took careful preparations Friday because I knew what I would be walking into at my job that night. It was the busiest night I have seen so far in the hotel my boutique is in downtown Dallas. Besides the full moon’s energy ramping up the dial, we have our State Fair going on PLUS the huge rivalry game between Texas and Oklahoma. This game will be played close to where I live, at the Cotton Bowl.

I awoke to my me-time to do list consisting of my grounding meditation, light therapy device session, journaling, tarot card reading and yoga practice. This spiritual warrior and trauma survivor knows the stuff I need to do to prepare myself before I head out into the world but most especially this type of crowd!

As soon as I stepped foot into the hotel, I was smacked in the face by a strange, frenetic and unpleasant feeling. The energy this empath was picking up on was over the top. I kept whispering to myself to stay steady, find my center and be mindful of my breath. You see, when I feel this kind of uncomfortable energy, it actually makes my heart race and my hands shake. I braced myself for what I knew the inevitable was.

The first part of the night was wonderful actually. Getting the opportunity to chat with others while helping them find what they need is truly my dream position! I get to meet and greet others from all over the world! It’s humbling to be asked if the boutique is my own, to which I blush and admit to the manager. I am truly invested into it for a few reasons. Number one is I absolutely adore the couple who own it! They have become such dear and kind friends to both my fiance and I. I feel like and treat their boutique like my second home. I feel genuinely honored mostly to host hotel guests and customers into their vision of a fun retail experience. The boutique has a little bit of everything, we hit every price point and have very unique items!

Second is I get to employ my natural talent for helping people while listening to their stories. As an empath and for my entire life, people just have always talked to me and told me their “stuff”. I definitely have the gift of gab and as my fiance’s Mom tells me, I never meet a stranger.

Thirdly, the hotel our boutique is in is just really very cool. It’s an older hotel that was actually closed down for many years. The Statler, was originally called The Grand. It has since been renovated and bought by a private owner. Like the boutique, The Studio Store, the hotel welcomes all types of people from all walks of life. There are different things to do, see and experience all over the entire property as well as the nightly events that take place in its bars and restraunts. I get such a kick out of people watching there! Contemporary modern mixed with an older more classic vibe dresses the setting for an anything can happen atmosphere!

I seem to be drawing lots of new friends into my world who I find out are empaths too! Tonight was no exception. I met two really down to Earth ladies that told me they too are empaths after I spilled the beans about being one 😉 Even after that, the fun, witty banter and usual interactions with the many employees and residents that come in and out of the boutique seemed to quickly evaporate as the night drained on.

It really wasn’t until the last hour and a half before I closed up that it sucked me in. That super heavy and drained of all energy, deeply troubling and conflicted feeling hit me like a mack truck. Boom and now I felt like I was dragging myself to the finish line after a marathon! My head started to hurt and spin as I kept checking the time. I must admit it has been a minute since I felt this overwhelmingly bogged down. Right as I was piecing my emotions together, a hotel employee started literally speaking my thoughts out loud. His validation of feeling exactly as I did was weirdly comforting.

I even stayed open later than usual because I still had a few people lookingaround and purchasing items. It took every fiber in my being to hold it together until I clocked out and locked the door. Then unfortunately, I got into another terrible Lyft experience(in the past few weeks there have been entirely too many)

By the time I arrived home, I was dragging myself and willing my feet to take each step. I sat down on my couch and bowed my head and immediately begin to cry. Soft tears at frst led to sobbing while I heaved and hoed my sorrows out. I felt reduced to a puddle on the floor feeling like a dried up orange, drained from all its fruit.

Then it dawned on me. This is a Hunter full moon. A time for letting go, releasing and expelling that which no longer serves us. I asked myself if tonight was Divine Source’s way of showing me how NOT to be? Stop giving away all of my energy so freely? Nah, that’s not it. Then I read a post by a truly gifted and talented writer on here, The Typewriter.

It wasn’t even a recent post but one from June of last year that expressed why she writes. Sharing her many thoughts and philosophies. Just getting the words that tumble around our ever thinking minds out is a gift and a blessing. I believe it is the chosen few who can have the shifted perception to believe it’s when I am down, I am the strongest. For it’s my hurt and pain that I transmute into positive and sustainable life energy.

Reflecting back, tonight was a manifestation of what I set out for my intentions this AM in my journal. Deciding to let go of all that no longer has purpose in my life. No more squandered and wasted energy and brain power. Bloom and blossom into the flower I am meant to be. Show others my authentic self by being honest, open and giving. Speading kindness to all whom I encounter along the way.

Writing this post was helpful because now all of those thoughts, feelings and emotions that aren’t mine can be released and let go. No poem attached to this post. Just this…..

I call this my bubble mantra an I say it out loud after practicing my grounding meditation.

“I am surrounded by healing light. It protects my spirit from negativity and that which isn’t mine. I will not rescue others emotionally. I am safe. I am grounded. Nothing can infest and infect my spirit”.

It can feel quite scary to pick up on and feel other’s pain. It is then that I remind d myself that m duty is to show compassion towards others but nt to take responsibility for their emotions. We are all healing from something. My journey here, is mine and mine alone.

What about you dear readers, how are you intentionally letting go? What are you resisting and holding onto that may be creating undue suffering in your life?

Mental health, Spirituality

Happy 1 year anniversary to me

Just one year ago, I started this blog called “Emotional Musings”. I have been journaling, writing poems and short stories my entire life but always kept them private. Sometimes, I have written poems as gifts for my loved ones. This blog has started a new adventure for me. I have been able to connect with almost 1,400 readers from 30 different countries around the world.

I really didn’t know how writing these posts would affect me. Basically, I use the poems I write as my muse for what each post is centered around. My poems come to me as visions and take little effort to write. Each of the blog posts on my page discuss in depth, the meaning behind each poem. It’s a very introspective thing on my part to delve into what I was thinking and feeling each time a new poem comes to mind. I believe this process to be very cathartic and quite helpful to my overall healing from Complex PTSD.

In total I have written 62 posts on this blog. Most of them are centered around my experience as an empath in this fast paced and often confusing world that we live in today. Our culture focuses mostly on the analytical mind paying little attention to our emotional health and wellbeing. A few of my posts can be considered social commentary on how I view our culture, humanity as a whole and how spirituality plays a role in our society.

This blog has also been a vehicle for me to even consider myself a writer. Earlier this year I self published my very own book of poetry which is available on Amazon in both paperback and digital form. It means a lot to me to have all of my work titled “Emotional Musings ” because that’s the truth, each word is a reflection of my emotional state. I have been gathering my latest poems for the second book, “Emotional Musings2” which I plan to release before the end of this year. Stay tuned!

A huge thank you to my current 24 followers. I didn’t expect anybody to actually read this and I’m so grateful these posts resonate with others. It’s a real labor of love for me to write these posts as I view each one as an opportunity to not only reveal more about my personal journey but to allow others the space to consider theirs.

My mission here is to provide a space where others can relate to and find connection with their own emotional journey. It has been almost 10 years since I set out to discover just who I really am, what my purpose is and to heal from the traumatic events of my past. November will mark eight years since I first attempted suicide. That act of desperation as led me on a beautiful, painful yet ultimately rewarding expedition that has allowed me to constantly peel back the layers of my life’s onion. Uncovering and understanding my authentic self as a result of writing is absolutely priceless. I highly recommend this process to anyone who is searching for their own truth.

My wish for this next year to is be able to interact more with you readers. Please share my blog with others whom you believe it will resonate with, comment below and tell me more about yourselves. I hope to make this a more interactive space where I can lead open discussions on both whole body health and wellness along with spirituality. Mostly, I want each person who takes the time to read this blog to feel less alone in their emotions.

For so many years, I felt like I couldn’t discuss what was going on inside of me. Why did I know what others were going to say before they said it, why did I feel their feelings without first being told and where were these phantom pains coming from? Aside from my empath experiences, I know many of my experiences aren’t unique either. There are many of us out there who have spent time in psychiatric hospitals, inpatient and outpatient programs and weekly sessions of psychotherapy yet still feel lost even discouraged about their mental health.

This is Mental Health Awareness week in the United States. I hope my blog can serve as a safe space for others to not only recognize their own struggles but to gather information regarding the important role our emotions play and what our body’s are trying to tell us. I feel there needs to be more public education about how important it is to recognize one’s feelings and the sensations in the body. It’s essential for whole body health to be able to do a body scan and recognize where we hold emotion in our bodies. This is especially true for those of us healing from trauma. It’s true, the body holds onto trauma and we will continue to hurt until the root of the pain can be discovered and released. I highly recommend reading, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Van der Kolk M.D., Bessel.

On Monday I woke to a much less humid day here in Dallas, TX. I decided to spend the afternoon running along the path at my favorite park. The path stretches around a huge lake for approximately ten miles. I took in scenic views of sailboats, canoes, fishermen and wildlife. Mostly I rejoiced in feeling the wind on my face. It was a beautiful day that produced the poem below, “Wind”. Autumn is my favorite season. Hopefully, I will get many more days just like this one.