Spirituality

Celebrating my Aliveness

I’m so pleased to share with you my dear readers and loved ones here in our little WordPress community the interview I did with my dear soul sister Chrissy-Marie Tucciarone, for her podcast on iTunes and Spotify called “The Art of Aliveness”. I recorded this in early July, before I started the 40 hours of apprenticeship healing sessions and right after the release of my 3rd book of poetry, “My Heart’s Song”. She asked me some great questions allowing me to share my healing journey thus far with a huge concentration on my art.

I describe myself as a creative person because I feel my sensuality and drive come from my love for anything that helps me express myself in an artistic way including writing, dancing, yoga, painting, chanting, singing, music and now the shamanic healing sessions I conduct. I see the world in technicolor orchestrated by a wide array of musical tastes from Classical, Jazz, R&B, The Dead, Reggae, EDM, Classic Rock and everything in between. There’s really no beat I’ve ever met I didn’t like my dears💃 Being able to express myself artistically is like breathing for me. It’s how I roll.

As I landed in Denver, the city I was connecting through from Idaho before my final destination in Fort Lauderdale, I saw a notification pop up on my cell from Chrissy telling me our episode #27 was live on the podcast platforms! I bought some snacks, found a place to plug in my device and started to listen. I must admit, this is my first ever interview on my own life’s story. I’ve been involved in other interviews with my partner because he’s a Superbowl Champion but this was the first time I would speak from my heart on my own journey from darkness to light. It’s an overwhelming honor and I feel a lump in my throat just writing about it now. Here’s the link. I invite all of you to have a listen….

Here’s a show for you… Turning Your Sensitivities into Superpowers episode of The Art of Aliveness
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2oHlTQSL3FXHlGPSy8w5KS?si=reXlit1USVuEGLMAUQHyjg

Episode #27 “The Art of Aliveness” Turning your Sensitivities into Superpowers

I want to share with you my dear readers, some wisdom from Steven D. Farmer. He is a Soul Healer, shamanic practitioner, ordained minister and licensed psychotherapist. I adore his many books and tarot card decks. I have taken to heart so many of his words, most especially these❤

“All wounds stem from the illusion of separation from Source and of all Creation. The route of healing this wound is through cultivating love and compassion for every being on this planet, including oneself. Not a bland standard of unquestioned acceptance, but a heartfelt sense of profound relatedness to whatever you perceive as apart from yourself. True compassion requires not only a feeling of warmth that emanates when you are in touch with your heart center, but in acts of kindness, even if this means being a fully attentive listener. Respect the fact that your heart is both a giver (putting out electrical energy) and a receiver (drawing in magnetic energy). These energies are best sensed by attending to the steady flow of your breathing while also noticing your heart center. Righteousness, fear, anger and judgement are some common ways to block one’s natural desire to love. Forgiveness is not only letting go of judgement, but also seeing through the illusion that you and All-That-Is are separate. Look about you and inside of you, and do your best to love whatever you see”.

In order to do this, I had to first forgive myself and welcome in many vital values we all require to thrive as human beings. I had been rejecting myself and needed to cultivate self love, trust and belief 15 months ago when I felt I could no longer carry the burden of being sexually abused. I have wanted to get a tattoo of a semicolon for awhile now and I felt that I needed to get it done in Idaho.

In 2011, I found myself in a very dark place my dear readers. I felt so burdened by shame, guilt, unworthiness and hopelessness. I attempted to turn out my light completely. The main mission of my writing and the reason I became a shaman is to let others see we can and do heal. My hope is fully restored and my life-force energy is extremely strong. The motto I live my life by is “Triumphing over Trauma” and today I proudly walk with my head held high. You are never alone my dears. Ever!

September 10th is #worldsuicidepreventionday and I put the ; on my middle finger as an everlasting statement & symbol to myself to remember where I came from and how profoundly impactful this healing journey has been. I got this the day after the final ritual ceremony, a full circle moment 🙏

Semicolon movement, “My story isn’t over yet”

My heart is at peace, I am filled with joy, feeling 100% content with life. It’s a well deserved place to be after the pain and heartache from the many lessons in life I learned the hard way. The pain from the human experience is something we are all continually healing from. It’s never-ending and everlasting while we walk this planet. I believe that each and everyone of us can and does heal in our own ways. It’s hardwired in our DNA to heal. I’m honored and blessed to help others heal as I did in the ways of shamanism. As a shaman, I help others connect to their own natural rhythm, retrieve their soul’s purpose and balance the chakra points in the body, our energy centers that govern our being allowing us the most optimized functionality possible. This is my magic and what I’m meant to do.

If you’re curious about any of my 3 books of poetry or what to contact me for a shamanic healing session or a tarot card reading. Click this link below.

https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77

Spirituality

Heart’s a flutter

Since Saturday’s Lion’s Gate portal opening and breathwork ceremony that I took part in I have been feeling on top of the world my dear readers! The ceremony was especially powerful delivering so much continued healing for my mind, body and spirit. If you get an opportunity to participate in a breathwork class, do it!! Breathwork is extremely transformative and fosters healing on a physical, mental and spiritual level giving your body just what it needs. It helps to relive or re-experience traumatic events and process deep emotional wounds. The practice is also somatic and weaves together mindfulness and sound vibrations in such a way that I find incredibly soothing. My entire body buzzes as I can hear my own blood flowing through my body. I have laughed, cried and moaned creating noises that are guttural in nature and deliver a feeling of tremendous bliss afterwards. This particular session was extremely visual thanks to my spirit guides and the information shared with me from Divine. My dear soul sister Chrissy Marie holds them once or twice a month via Zoom. Check her out on Instagram @comealivewithchrissymarie

My heart is so incredibly full and expansive. As an intuitive empath, I usually receive clues regarding such transformative events beforehand that I know will impact me in this way and it was no surprise to me that Friday afternoon while sitting in my favorite park I felt a rush of serene energy wash over me. My entire aura turned blue in color which represents an eased nervous system, a balanced existence that alchemizes life force energy into an overall feeling of cool, calm and collectedness. It felt like my entire body, mind and spirit took a deep breath and was relieved….a real AH-HA moment. I wrote this poem soon after sitting with myself for what felt like hours🥰

Restoration of faith

On Sunday my son Ty and I spent the entire day outdoors enjoying the beautiful but super hot and steamy weather here in South Florida. My mindset continued to shift and process what I like to refer to as waves of change in a much less resistant manner than that of the last three months. I believe all the deeply concentrated inner and introspective work I have been doing is finally paying off coupled with a more relaxed astral energy in our cosmos currently. It’s a welcomed breath of fresh air for sure!

Waves of change

August is a big month for my family and friends birthday wise. I have a long list of loved ones that celebrate their revolution around the Sun this month. My niece and goddaughter turned 21 yesterday which is such a milestone birthday. I am so blessed to have played an integral role in her upbringing and was the 3rd person to hold her after she was born! Gabriela was the first baby born between my two closest sisters and I, her birth was incredibly monumental for our family. Here is a picture of our first meeting and the poem I wrote in her honor to celebrate and remember the day.

First time I held Gabriela
Happy 21st birthday

I’ve decided to take the rest of this month to continue processing and enjoy my newly found footing and freedom of spirit. I won’t be posting here for at least the next two weeks and have also decided to take a much needed detox from my other social media platforms. Going off the grid by putting myself in an intentional blackout is good for my self care. I will continue my other writing practices, I just won’t be posting anything publicly. I have been receiving many messages that it’s time for me to start writing my long awaited memoir, a project I have been contemplating for many years now. I would like to take the rest of August to get started on that and see where it leads me.

If you’d like to contact me for a tarot card reading, shamanic healing session or check out my three books of poetry please follow this link below. It’s a one stop place for everything Maria Teresa and Emotional Musings. Enjoy the rest of your summer my dear ones. So much love to you all😎

https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77

Spirituality

Tiny scattered pieces blowing in the wind

I’ve been spending my days on the patio a lot more lately because that’s where I hold my healing sessions, close to nature and overlooking the glorious lake I live on. The energy out there is so fabulously grounding mostly due to the wind. Plus the side of our house is a virtual rainforest of plants, trees and flowers. Lots of oxygen being emitted out there and blown around. It’s just awesome. I spend time out there writing, holding healing sessions or listening to music. Plus being outdoors naturally does a body good and creates grounding which ignites the body’s self healing mechanisms.

The lake at Winston Park

I just finished watching the documentary, The Earthing Movie: The Remarkable Science of Grounding all about how walking around barefoot on the Earth grounds our energy and connects us back into the Universe. Doing this stimulates the body to heal itself naturally because we are all energy and electricity. The work that I’m now honored to be a part of is enhancing my understanding of how the exchange of energy works, what creates blocks (unprocessed emotions),chords (specifically the toxic energy kind that need to be cut) and how this all effects our mind body and spirit connection. It’s absolutely awe inspiring and fascinating. A few months ago I started reading about Quantum psychics too and its relation to reality but I won’t write about it here because I’m still processing it. The long and short of it is that everything we do and interact with from watching television, texting, painting, singing, dancing, playing sports, talking etc. is an energy exchange, has a charge to it and a vibration. I can feel the feelings off the energy that is exchanged with me and intuitively know what’s going on within that person even if it’s from the other side of the world. That’s how mysteriously and so scientifically powerful this entire planet is.

God’s masterpiece is this creation specifically made to work harmoniously together, interconnected and feeding off each living thing on our planet. I liken our brains to a computer program that is created and fed by what we interact with and feed it, all of our experiences in life lay down a blueprint which in turn creates our perceived reality. There is no such thing as space and time for that is manmade to give us a semblance of order. Whether we are awake or asleep, we are dreaming. What is reality for me and what is reality for you my dear readers, well they are different and both are an illusion. The only things that are real are our feelings because they are generated from our hearts. Our heart is the organ that communicates with the brain in four distinct ways: neurologically (nervous system), biochemically (hormones), biophysically (pulse waves) and energetically (electromagnetically). In the 60s and 70s there was research done by John and Beatrice Lacey that observed how our heart communicates with the brain in ways that significantly affect how we perceive and react to the world. I’ve been interested in heart math for a few years now, but that’s for another post by a different writer my loves.

I share all of this to tell you this. After holding a week of my shamanic energy healing sessions I have learned so much more about myself and how I respond and react, my own reality and perceptions with others and the world. I believe that I and others like me were sent to Earth to love. We embrace all living creatures with the desire to love wholeheartedly and completely no matter what. It’s my natural default function to see everything as a connection to myself and the rest of the planet so of course I want to understand how to always do less harm and create more love. My heart is big, a vortex that when you get sucked in it’s near impossible to get out of. I stopped interacting with three people who have come into its grasp and one was the other person’s decision to stop talking to me because it was too emotionally painful for him .Unfortunately, that is my ex-husband because he is emotionally immature, has a low EQ and will never move past his anger and resentments. The other was a girlfriend who became a drain upon me and was extremely toxic to my life. The third was the ex-boyfriend who tried to kill me on multiple occasions because he was working out repressed memories of the relationship with his mother on me like I was her. He was very mentally and emotionally disturbed so for obvious reasons I cut ties. I share this to say I love hard and I love deep. My fiancé knows that he shares me with the rest of the world because it’s part of who I am at my core, at a soul level. It’s part of being an empath, having extra sensory perceptions that manifest psychically and what I use now as a healer to heal others on a body, mind and spiritual level. My heart, my love is how I help others clear out their emotional baggage so that their bodies can flow more easily on an energetic level thus making them happier and more free to connect to their own souls as I have.

The people around us, what we eat, what we feed our bodies…all of it either allows one’s spirit to glow and grow stronger so that we can live out our soul’s purpose or hinders and disables our evolvement. It’s in our soul contracts. We are put through interactions with others to learn from them. Pain is a great motivator and a hard earned teacher. The path of the shaman teaches this and now that I’m in the field seeing people in this capacity it’s amazing how connected it all really is! Tiny scattered pieces blowing all around by the wind, carried off by the seas touching every single one of us.

“Scattered pieces”

Yesterday was a big day for my son and I because he was accepted into a technical program for heating and air conditioning. The fact that Ty can continue his education is something I have been manifesting for over a year now. I told him he has won the lottery ticket to life if he completes this certification because the world will always need to keep their environments warm and cool. He is a hands on learner and this is the perfect program for his technically inclined mind. I know he will shine. I’m so proud of him. This development really puts my mind at ease for his future because since the pandemic he has been unemployed and wondering how to start over. I expressed to him that he has time on his side and a youthful mind. Plus watching his Mom reinvent herself, move around the country and discover her own calling serves as inspiration to never give up.

“Tiny”

I see us humans so differently now and what we do to each other and Mother Earth. Just look around at our world events. The Universe supports us 100%. We have air to breath, ground to walk upon, water to drink and food to eat. These are constants that are taken for granted too often without questioning or taking time to think about it our impact upon each other and our planet. For the beauty in nature’s continued sake and the wellbeing of one another let’s do better. Love more, judge less. Give more, take less. Raising the collective vibration helps everyone. We are tiny drops of water in the ocean of life my dears. We are here for a short time. We owe it to ourselves and each other to do better.

Namaste 🙏

Here to heal

Please see my contact links to get in touch with me for tarot card readings, healing sessions and my books of poetry at

Linktr.ee/Ladysag77.com

Spirituality

Bloom where you grow

On days like today, I don’t avoid the rain but purposely go out into it, with my bike or on foot. Today I chose my bike. I like to go for long rides up to 20 miles on some days. The last time I rode in the rain I was annoyed, frustrated and just wanted to get it over. Today’s ride was born from those feelings, they are what drove me out into the storm. The rain holds the magic in which I cleanse my soul while drenching my entire being and allows for clarity. Often in these past two weeks, I have felt utterly lost in emotion.

“Lost”

I have been running from myself for years. Avoiding, dissociating, distracting myself with many different things like abusing alcohol, over exercising, excessive talking and other people’s troubles. Anything to not feel me. Lately I have discovered the wisdom in stillness and quiet. Emotional dysfunction whispers lies yet my soul knows there is always hope. I no longer have the luxury of doing the types of activities and maladaptive behaviors that keep me separated from myself, they have officially run their course. As I write this post, the two songs that have played from my playlist were Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight” and Bill Withers “Lean on Me”. Both are appropriate for this post because their lyrics shine light on exactly how I have been feeling these past couple of weeks. My feelings have brought me to another layer of shedding what no longer serves, letting go of attachments to allow for my authentic self to come through. Thank you God for showing me in practical, real life instances to lean on you. I certainly have felt this coming for some time, especially at night.

“Attached”

Learning to become a shamanic healer has taught me that I must first face the challenges in my life, the very ones that I’ve avoided in order to fully help others in their own healing. I must first heal my own soul as a requirement for this role. It’s been whispering to me, “it’s time Maria” and “you can do this”. All the while I have felt so utterly alone. Despite living with both my parents and my son. This minus my partner has made my heart feel so blue without him. He’s my best friend and companion, the person who nudges me out of my seriousness and all the pressure I put upon myself. He accepts me fully no questions asked. We made arrangements for his arrival this week that have been unfortunately postponed for the time being due to circumstances beyond both of our control. That question of “what is in my control” has been popping up a lot lately and I have been taking a lot of what’s been going on personally, which does me no good. I learn so much about myself through our relationship which a big reason I respect, admire and love him as I do. This time apart has presented another opportunity for me to fully accept myself, on my own. I feel so different since we were last together and fear started creeping in again. Would he still love me?

“Mirror”

My ride today solidified that the way I was going about this situation isn’t serving me best. I can’t look to anyone or anything to give me these answers. During these long wet rides, I talk to myself and God. That’s when it hit me, I have to rely on God who aids my own inner strength for these realizations. I’m meant to be alone for a bit longer and really I’m never truly alone. That’s an illusion my mind has been telling myself forever, since my confusing childhood years that were loud and scary. As a middle child, I have always had others around me. I have lived alone for very short amount of time in my life. In the total of my 42 years I’ve probably spent less than one year on my own. The light that shines brightly within can’t be denied and I love myself for knowing that, for feeling that again.

Since May, moving and starting this apprenticeship I have seen the different aspects of my being that I have avoided, tried to erase, betrayed and denied. If one is to be whole, ALL of these parts must be integrated into an I AM mantra and belief. There is no separation, no duality, no personality that owns my whole. For I AM all of them which today gives me comfort, no longer fear or shame.

I keep writing throughout all of these realizations and ah-ha moments. This morning after meditation, the message I kept hearing was, “Maria, bloom where you grow”. Then I wrote this poem. While I’m writing this paragraph, Dolly Parton’s “Wildflowers” is playing. This song is exactly how I have felt my entire life. Listen my dear readers…..

Lao Tzu said, “Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Have the patience to wait! Be still and allow the mud to settle.” Patience is a virtue I have been cultivating in my garden of growth for years now. After my bike ride arriving home, I feel at peace and I can say the water is running clear my dear readers.

Please check out my three books of poetry available now on Amazon at the links below

Spirituality

My creative process is like a diamond

Today I gave an interview for my dear friend Chrissy-Marie’s (@comealivewithchrissymarie on Instagram) podcast, “The Art of Aliveness” on how to express oneself through creativity under pressure.  We have been cultivating a conversation on how despite the pressures of our current world’s situation with the pandemic of COVID-19, the social and racial unrest pushing for much needed change to systems that have been dysfunctional and broken for some time now added to that the disruption of our daily lives. Despite it all I decide to pick up a pen and write, a paintbrush to paint, put on music and dance. Channeling the energy, emotions and thoughts swirling around me to process it all and make sense of my personal experiences. This has been my lifelong journey. At times like the rest of you my dear readers, I don’t know if I’m coming or going! Through it all, my creative juices keep flowing leading me to express myself and further uncover my authentic self. Allowing my true sprit, my voice to shine through.

There are a lot of myths out there on healing like you have to “become something different” by doing XYZ. Nah…..it’s all about letting go, embracing the present moment for what it is and just being. Becoming quiet, being still and giving myself permission to sing my soul’s language (the name of my second poetry book on Amazon) and to dance to my heart’s song (my third book of poetry on Amazon) has brought me inner peace and joy incomparable to anything external. No book has all the answers, no device can deliver this magic and certainly no person can make us truly happy. The answers all lie within 🧘‍♀️

Since my last post the cosmic energy of the full moon and eclipse brought out some more truths that needed to be realized, released and integrated into my being. Isn’t it wild how life brings forth those practical lessons in such an up close and personal way, giving us no choice but to face them?

I admitted to Chrissy that since January I have felt like the Universe has been molding me to shine like a diamond under incredibly intense pressure. God has been working his magic through Divine timing thus cracking me right open to see so many things that I have been detached from for years. Embracing the change and going with the flow is my part. Growing pains are expected because there is no “perfection in healing”, that’s also a myth my dears. Healing hurts at times and it’s within that pain where our truth and beauty lies. I must admit too that at times I feel like my squirrel friend here, hanging on is what is required in the moment😉

Hang in there

Yet despite the pain, we keep going. We reach highs we never dreamed possible. The pressure builds and boils over to reveal more. That’s been my process. Through it all having tbe patience to see it all to fruition. It may not make sense in the moment yet the wisdom is in trusting that whatever comes up is merely a way to another truth. Collecting these truths, pieces of  my soul are what further fuels  life force energy. What I live, breath and strive to maintain in my essence as a creative woman.

I like to include poems in each post and since I haven’t been able to attend a poetry slam in months, I thought I would record myself reciting my latest poems.

“Boiling over”
“Be still”

The episode we recorded today will be up next month and I will be sure to link it here so you can listen to it my dear readers. In the meantime, please check out my books of poetry on Amazon. They make a wonderful gift if I don’t say so myself🙏💜

As always, much love to all💗

Spirituality

Intentions for love and trust

It’s been two weeks since I sat in my shadow, dove deep while consciously and intentionally releasing some deep wounds I have been carrying for years my dear readers. This week in my apprenticeship for my shamanic healing work, we talked about boundaries both ethically and personally. I realized again just how serious the work of energy healing is and how my approach to my own life has shifted in the past few months.

I reread some of my posts from the start of 2020 when I first set my mind to learning the art of shamanism. It truly does suit my spiritual being and my soul’s purpose. I now understand much more about myself and God’s plan for me. It’s created a very freeing yet grounded place simultaneously. It has had me reconsider however how I interact with others both physically and emotionally.

Actions aka boundary setting

As usual I have been sitting in quiet contemplation and asking Spirit how best to proceed. My main channel has always been my writing, the messages come through clearest when I put pen to paper and allow free flow writing to spill out. At times like this my mind screams at me,”I must know” while my heart, which is always the guiding force whispers, “You already do”. The answer is love. Trust what is being presented and surrender the need to control. Just love Maria, yourself first and others will follow🙏

I have spent many years being numb, deaf to my own inner guidance, my soul’s intentions for me. I’ve written before about this concept but it bears repeating now. We are multidimensional spiritual beings having a human experience. At times in this past year my spirit has guided me to places my human side didn’t feel comfortable embodying yet. Then it’s like a game of tag while my human self plays catch up to my spiritual self. Integrating it all to include the voices of my inner child, ego and higher consciousness or highest self has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Just when I’m ready to let go, Universe says “ok, here’s a test” and throws a big life lesson at me to see which direction I choose to go.

This week my partner and I finally booked his plane ticket here. I then bore witness to how he had to proceed with this major life change, getting his personal issues in order. That is a new boundary for me. I have always wanted to protect him, shield him from pain yet I have realized that he has his own journey to live. The issues he has faced, steps he has taken to heal and help himself astound me. Everything truly does unfold in God’s time and only He can mold us in the ways that are best for us, in that Divine timing.

I’m reminded of what my dear friend and Divine Interventionist Joel Adifon told me when we first started working together in April. He advised me on how much patience I would need to employ, the staring role it would have in my next steps and healing journey. Today I know exactly what he was referring to. Not only am I to remain patient with myself but I must yield to meddling in other’s paths for them to be able to execute their own journey’s and God’s will for them.

I said, “Yes God, I trust you and I love you for the gifts you’ve bestowed upon me. I’m grateful for the strength and understanding you’ve provided for me in order to survive my darkest days”. Then God conspired with the Universe and said, let’s see how much she really does love and trust. Cue the past four months in my life. Losing my job and place of living yet gaining a much deeper sense of self and purpose while finally being reunited with my son Ty. God has also provided a way to keep me financially afloat during these months so that I could see all these changes to fruition. My grateful heart is overflowing with thanks and praise. Thank you God🙏

As we head into this holiday weekend, full moon AND lunar eclipse…I’m again sitting here in the stillness of my heart ready for the next chapter. I’m thankful for all that I have learned, especially the losses for they have showed how strong I have become. Losing things means it’s time to make room for new things, ones that will serve my alignment going forward. I trust in that. The people in my life who support me and love me no matter what. I love them. Mostly, I bow my head in grace for being present to feel all of these blessings and know that the best is still yet to come😉

Love & trust

Please check out my 3 books of poetry available on Amazon at the links below!

Also visit me on YouTube at Maria Teresa Emotional Musings

Spirituality

Love is a choice

Lately I’ve had a lot of time to think and be with myself. I started reading a book that looks at how we define love in our culture and how we are living in a largely loveless society. Whether you were raised in a functional or dysfunctional home, with one or both parents, not dependent upon financial standing, race or religion so many of us question what the true meaning of love is and many of us have never experienced it. We have a better understanding of care and affection but love takes a different level of unconditional commitment. A kind of “no matter what” place of focus. My dears, we are definitely in search of it. I like the definition that is presented by M. Scott Peck in his classic book “The Road Less Traveled” in it he clearly defines love as “ the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth.” To go on he says, “Love is as love does. Love is an act of will-namely, both an intention and an action. Will implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.” “I believe in order “to love someone completely, openly and honestly while expressing care, affection, responsibility, respect, commitment and trust” we must truly be ready to willing to openly focus on each of these values with our whole heart. For me love is not a noun but a verb.

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, love is my lane. For me, giving and sharing the love that’s in my heart is akin to The Golden Rule. I have raised my boys by reminding them frequently that they may not like other people but you must always love others. Loving others is something that comes natural for me and the more I look around the more I believe love is needed in all of our interactions with one another for than ever! The pandemic and current long overdue social uprising is begging of us to love one another my dears. Like one of my favorite bands sang, “All you need is love”. Yes, we sure do❤

I was listening to another Beatles song today off “Rubber Soul” on my bike ride. “The Word” really made me think about love in a way that I hadn’t before. Here are the lyrics:

The Word

The Beatles

Say the word and you’ll be free
Say the word and be like me
Say the word I’m thinking of
Have you heard the word is love?

It’s so fine, it’s sunshine
It’s the word, love

In the beginning I misunderstood
But now I’ve got it, the word is good

Spread the word and you’ll be free
Spread the word and be like me
Spread the word I’m thinking of
Have you heard the word is love?

It’s so fine, it’s sunshine
It’s the word, love

Every where I go I hear it said
In the good and bad books that I have read

Say the word and you’ll be free
Say the word and be like me
Say the word I’m thinking of
Have you heard the word is love?

It’s so fine, it’s sunshine
It’s the word, love

Now that I know what I feel must be right
I’m here to show everybody the light

Give the word a chance to say
That the word is just the way
It’s the word I’m thinking of
And the only word is love

It’s so fine, it’s sunshine
It’s the word, love

Say the word love
Say the word love
Say the word love
Say the word love

What sparked all these thoughts about love? After taking part in the ‘Wounded Healer” interview last week and in the post before that one called, “Triumphing over Trauma” where I wrote about releasing shannon a deeper level, forgiving myself and it struck me. I’ve decided to destroy the mask I wore so often completely and forever, once and for all! You know the one we wear for society, for family gatherings at times, the one we put on so we feel “safe” and so others won’t judge us or ridicule us. Imagine if we all said NO to putting that damn mask on? Oh how much lighter I feel even writing that!

This past year I have been hyper focused on my healing from the inside out. I reclaimed practices, did a lot of deep inner soul work that required an extended amount of alone time and quiet contemplation, meditation and intentional detaching from things that were the root cause of my suffering. Today I woke up and decided in order to step forward and accept the Maria I am today, I must decide who I no longer am.

I have decided that in order to be vulnerable, honest and loving towards myself I have to keep strict boundaries with others. Listen closely to my intuition and protect my precious emotional energy at all costs. Say NO when I feel any of these things are being threatened and giving myself permission to allow for grace and gentleness from myself. For so many years I thought I had to kick me own ass in order to be successful and get things done. Now I know that I need to be still in order to hear what my next steps should be. I can move energy in and through my body in a much more gentle flowing way while pumping the brakes on the old balls to the wall mentality. All that did was exhaust and hurt me creating an inevitable burnout. Today, it’s clear, my choice is to love me!

By loving myself, I’m free to love others without resentment or expectations. Like the Beatles sing, “it’s so fine, like sunshine” and now I know that what I feel must be right, I’m here to show everybody the light.” The light that is within me. Once we can discover our light and allow it to shine from the inside out as God intended….OH BOY my dear readers, what a world we could all be enjoying together! I’m reminded of another song, “This little light of mine” that I’m sure most of you have either heard or sung growing up. I just love the playful energy that ignites within my soul and releases my true authentic spirit being reminded of this lesson😉

These three poems are focused on the ideas of love, gratitude and aliveness. I want to share them with you my dear readers. Allow these words to resonate deep within your own heart and then go out and love the heck out of everyone you meet!

“Let love shine in”
“Grateful aliveness”
“Growing pains”

Please check out my 3 books of poetry now available on Amazon at the links below 😊

Spirituality

Let love shine

During these uncertain and rapidly changing times, it’s important to allow our feelings to flow as they will. It’s normal to feel the fear and panic that is swirling through the planetary energy because of the affects from the Coronavirus. However, it’s just as important to not get stuck in a negative downward spiral of anxiety and worry.

I speak from experience my dear readers because for the majority of my life I was frozen by fear, paralyzed by it actually. I found myself in these terribly painful dissociative episodes and debilitating panic attacks not to mention the routines I created to soothe my OCD. There was a period of time when my oldest son Ty was a baby that I didn’t even leave my house. My anxiety and overthinking ruled my days as I found myself repetitively washing not only my hands but my home and beyond. Those were dark days my friends and I’m grateful to be past them now!

Yesterday I woke up with a vision for a new painting. I have always enjoyed using paints but have mostly used oils. This past holiday season while scrolling mindlessly on Amazon, I discovered these fantastic watercolor pens. They are refillable too and make using this medium so easy with virtually no mess! Not that making a mess bothers me these days however clean up is a breeze with these pens. My creative juices flow quite quickly and at times my time management is lacking in between my daily chores, practices and work schedule. Sometimes I feel the urge to paint when time doesn’t always allow for it. Lately I feel there are just not enough hours in my day, I bet many of you can relate to that!

Love vibration in full color

My dear friends and the owners of the boutique I manage decided to close down for at least this week and had me shut down a lot earlier this past Saturday night. It’s out of our control my dear readers and we all must abide by what our governments are advising for our own safety and health. I am choosing to look on the bright side of this unexpected time off. I have many creative projects to explore and execute this week. My mother found very reasonable airfare to South Florida from Texas and I will be leaving for there tomorrow morning until Friday night.

I am really looking forward to spending quality time with both my parents because they are elderly and time is so precious. Our weather here is calling for rain all week and being out in the sunshine of Florida feels much more positive for my spirits! My parents live on a glorious lake with a wonderful nature path nearby within walking distance and I’m really looking forward to spending time in nature too. Getting to float in the ocean and in the pool is also top on my list. Creating these serene moments of calm and serenity allow me to take mental photographs in which I can then utilize for meditative imagery when I feel stress mounting. Being able to visualize an oasis in my mind has helped me tremendously during my healing journey and one of the best practices I was taught ten years ago when I began down the path to self.

I want to remind you my dear readers that our minds can create the best and worst scenarios for our reality. It is a choice which way one wants to travel through thought and feelings. By practicing yoga and meditation I have allowed for space to be able to observe these choices so that I can best choose how my day will unfold. I chose to follow my heart and listen closely to my intuition. Deciphering between ego stories and my soul’s voice is a gift I have worked really hard at obtaining and one that I don’t take for granted by impulsive actions. I enjoy where I am in life today, the inner peace I feel and the love I feel radiating from the inside out. I have served my time feeling depressed and anxious. Those dark days and years have led me here to become the master of my own emotions and realize how much I actually do control my own reality. I’m no longer a victim but the hero of my own life’s story. This is the epitome of my motto for living, “Triumphing over Trauma”. Walking out of the shadows and into the bright light🌠

Allowing love & light to shine from within

When we chose to radiate love towards ourselves, even through times of conflict, we provide healing for our soul. When we are radiating love towards others, we reciprocate the love and kindness that they give us in such an abundance that it helps in their own healing creating joy for both the other person and for ourselves. It’s a transmuting force of energy and my wish for our world right now. Sending you all love, light & peace ❤🌠✌

Spirituality

Stuck on memory lane

Ahhhhhh dear reader’s I can tell I’m neck deep in my own “stuff” when I wake up and immediately feel left over anxiety and frustration from the night before. Any little irritation sets me spinning off and yes I have been feeling quite heavy for the past 2 days as I reminisce about the good ol days of my youth. Since my last post I have been stuck on memory lane💭

Sadly, on Sunday my Mom called me to tell me that my step sister Liz’s husband passed away. My parents are both not well enough to travel from Florida to New Jersey for the service. I immediately thought of my nephews and niece who are now without their Dad. He was a great father and he and my sister were married for over thirty years. There are six of us siblings all together and I fall second to the last in age order. Here is a picture of all of us at their wedding sometime in the early 80’s…..

That’s me on the left😊 I was probably 7 or 8 years old.

My parents came into their marriage together with two children each. Back in the late 70s they did the best they could to create a blended family, which was extremely difficult because of our wide age gaps. My step brother Jay is twenty years older than me, my step sister Liz is eighteen, then comes my sister Tami (my Mom’s oldest daughter) who is twelve years older, then my brother Billy is ten years my senior. My parents had me in 1977 and lastly the baby of our family, my sister Gina was born in 1979. Thinking back I remember us all always spending holidays together.

When someone passes it always makes me think of the past and how fast time has gone by.  I remember the little girl I was so wide eyed with wonder, curious about everything and super shy. I really didn’t break out of that phase until I started dancing competitively at around age 10. With all I have unearthed surrounding my sexual abuse at age 5 and 6, I have been slowly going back in my memory bank. That expierience taught me how to dissociate and being numb to my own feelings began there. Eventually I developed Complex PTSD, but that diagnosis took many years to come about.

Little Maria age 3
Silly Maria age 5

For this post however I’m choosing to focus on how my youngest sister Gina and I had the best of everything provided to us. She and I are just twenty-two months apart. I call her G, she was my first best friend, we did absolutely everything together and my Mom dressed us alike for too many years I think🤣 Looking back at these pictures however, I must admit how darn cute the two of us were (are)❤

Sisters in the summertime
We ❤ this hammock

We grew up in a very idyllic neighborhood, nowadays I would compare it to Mr. Rogers’s. Our small town, Wyckoff, NJ is located just 15 minutes from NYC. Everybody knew everyone, all the kids in the neighborhood rode our bikes together, played on each other’s front lawns and swan in each other’s pools in the summer. Our neighbor directly across the street became my first friend outside of family because our mother’s were pregnant with us at the same time and I like to say we were bonded in the womb 😄 Around Christmas time, we would dress up and go caroling. Even my grandparents joined us and the neighbors would invite us in for hot chocolate and cookies. You could run to any neighbor’s house at anytime and feel welcomed. My sister and I went to summer camps, took all kinds of lessons including tennis, swimming, dance, piano, art, and sewing just to name a few, played sports and went on at least one family vacation yearly. We were extremely blessed to have been exposed to so much from an early age.

My sister Gina and I both started dancing soon after we could walk. I know I was around 2 years old. We were always paired in duos once we started dancing in competitions and we were always next to each other in the same line (our director said it made it easier for our Mom to take pictures!) usually front row, in all of our dance numbers. Thinking back, dancing was the highlight of my childhood and into my teenage years, creating my passion for dance and movement today 💃❤

Jazz sisters
“Dreamgirls” opening recital dance

Since G lives in Florida and I live in Texas, we are far away from each other. I can’t just get in my car and meet her to get our nails done or grab some coffee. When I was married and lived in Rhode Island while she was living in New Jersey, we used to meet at a half way point on I95 a lot so our children could see each other. Many times I would take her daughter and son back up with me to RI so the cousins could spend quality time together. I also used to drive down to NJ at least once a month to stay at my parent’s house for the weekend so everybody could visit together. Lately I have been thinking about her and missing those times we spent together a lot! So much time has passed since the sweet days of our youth and early adulthood. I’ve been experiencing a lot of inner child wounds that keep bubbling up to the surface. That’s what happens after you stuff a dark secret away for thirty-five years. It’s like holding a balloon under water, eventually it will find it’s way to the surface.

So I have spent much of the past two days in my head and in my shadow. All of the old beliefs about myself, old thinking patterns, nightmares and memories are back in full force. It feels sticky and honestly very awful. I must console myself by myself because that is the job of reparenting. It’s bittersweet because as much as I love these pictures, I can’t really remember any of the specific details that go along with them. My memories are really hazy and clouded by fear, anxiety, stress and an overwhelming sense of panic. I have often said my body felt like it ran on a motor of all of these fore mentioned feelings. Healing comes in waves. I’m weary and I feel weak. Time to retire this heavy head and ❤ of mine.

I wrote this poem before I fell asleep last night…

Mental health

My 2nd Poetry Slam

I’m continuing to get on the microphone and dramatically read my poems. When I was younger and studying all forms of dance my dream was to dance on Broadway. I do love the thrill and terror that comes from being on a stage.

Last night’s slam was very intimate and cozy. I met some wonderful artists and even made plans to host a book signing with the promoter of this event who was so welcoming and made me feel so valued as an artist. This is called “Nothing But Poetry Live” and it helps showcase artists in and around Dallas, TX. I really love being around other creative people in this performance capacity!! I have found my people! Being seen and heard, my personal feelings landing with my own unique flare is so empowering. I was asked if I have a music accompaniment to go with my poems last night. I will be doing a collaboration with an old dear friend of mine from high school who is one of the most amazing guitar players I have ever heard and have the pleasure to know.

I asked the promoter Sam, to video me since I attended this event solo last night. This poem is called “Losing my best friend” and is inspired by what’s going on with my partner who is my best friend. My fiance played and retired from professional football with both the NFL and Arena football leagues. Watching and witnessing his struggle with mental illness including memory loss, hearing voices and not knowing who he is at times is beyond heartbreaking. Ironically, he wanted to attend with me last evening but had an anxiety attack that kept him from leaving our apartment. He later admitted how hard it is to see me in pain over what’s happening to him. I know he can’t help it and I don’t take any of it personally because I know how much he supports and loves me. My writing has always served as an outlet for me to process my feelings. This entire situation is hard for both of us yet I know he is my biggest fan even if he can’t show it 100% of the time.

I was having a conversation with my oldest son yesterday about how fast time goes by. I believe it passes even quicker as we age. He wasn’t too thrilled to hear that but I said it just makes every moment more precious. I want to stay mindful in each of them as much as possible to fully enjoy my life these days. I’ve squandered so much time in anxiety, depression and suicidal thoughts. It’s been 9 years since I was in and out of a psychiatric hospital myself with complications from CPTSD. These days, I celebrate my life and am intensely grateful for all of it! This is what “Triumphing over Trauma” looks like…..

“Losing my best friend”

This year is my year for transformation, a metamorphosis. I am going after my dreams by keeping my foot on that gas pedal and making the most out of this momentum energy I’m cultivating by doing it. It’s so exciting and it makes me feel so alive to be up on a stage again. Keep watching as this free spirit spreads her wings and soars high🦋