Wrestling with truth

Moving through old emotions is like putting on an old pair of shoes that don’t fit anymore. My number one tool is writing to process. I firmly believe whatever God brings me to, He will bring me through. Right now, all I can do is breathe through the breakthrough that occurred two nights ago. I have been working with an amazingly gifted man, Joel Adifon who is a Divine Interventionist. He connected me with a spirit I had long buried and I’m really in the thick of trying to get through some deep and dark emotions that I dissociated from twenty years ago. I am also sitting in the thick of coming up on two anniversaries that are very poignant events in my life. One being my 7 year anniversary with my partner who is now delayed in moving here to Florida. The other being the unearthing of the sexual trauma I finally acknowledged one year ago that sparked my spiritual awakening. Both events are June 1st.

I am feeling very vulnerable and uncomfortable about disclosing the full details publicly here because they are quite controversial and highly personal. What’s important for me right now is to be gentle with myself. I also went on my first guided shamanic journey with my teacher this week. Life has gotten very heavy my dear readers yet it has also been tremendously eye opening and beautiful. I have gone back to the basics of self care. The wash, rinse and repeat cycle of practicing self love and self care. When it comes to sticky and intense emotions, I dive into reading, meditation, crying, moving my body and put these actions on repeat mode. Drinking plenty of water, celery juice and taking Valerian root at night for a solid and restful sleep. Today I practiced a gentle form of yoga in a virtual class. Breaking out the sleep hypnosis videos I have collected in a playlist on YouTube and burrowing myself under my weighted blanket for extra relaxation breaks during the day. I’m a person with super high energy and vibrancy for life and this has stopped me dead in my tracks. I keep hearing my dear soul sister and teacher Lindsey’s voice in my head, “Maria, be gentle with yourself”.

I find it synchronistic that the post I wrote before this one is titled, “Grace, humility and patience” because those are the values I am being again asked to practice towards myself. Joel was talking about whenever healers, teachers and leaders have a lesson they are about to take on, the Divine makes sure its amplified in life for us to really learn it. Boy, is that happening for me right now! I’m being asked to revist these old wounds yet as a stronger version of myself. I continue to shed the old skin of trauma Maria as I transform into healer Maria. In order to create something new, I must rid myself of the old and what no longer serves.

Today’s passage in “The Book of Awakening” by Mark Nepo focused on exactly what I needed to remember. I have written here many times praising his insight and wisdom, today being no exception. “Giving up what no longer works”…..he continues to write…”like Moses, Jesus and Budda, the deepest among us have all shown that living is a process of constantly paring down until we carry only what is essential. Always to be moving deeper and deeper inwards where the forces of God make us one.” Man if I didn’t wake up and FEEL that! Thankfully, soon after I read that Lindsey messaged me as she will do to validate and confirm that the river of emotion will recede and what isn’t me will fall back away to reveal what is me. Two incredibly important messages I needed to integrate into my being today. I have been going back and rereading them throughout the day as reminders that yes, this too shall pass as did all the other inner struggles I have faced.

I know this much to be true and I hold it near and dear to my soul. Nothing, absolutely nothing can shake me from my path. Staying in alignment, true to my authentic self is where I have discovered an abundance of peace. Life isn’t happening to me any longer but for me. For all of us! I am an active participant in what I choose to engage in and what I pass on. After the dark roads I have travelled, I know nothing will ever break me again to the point that I can’t find my way back to my heart. Everything is possible with the faith, hope and love I have in God. He has never failed me and is always there along with my spirit guides, saints. angels, other ascended masters and as always my dear Nana. She came forward during our D.I. session to tell me that she is helping to push the puzzle pieces together. That statement made me sob because of the many times I have cried out loud, specifically when I was going in and out of the hospital years ago stating to the doctors that my brain felt like a million piece puzzle that someone smashed on the ground. We must be broke open to be put back together and this I know in my bones. Plus, my Nana loved to do puzzles and was always doing them in her spare time.

Today after the virtual yoga class, I walked to the pool and allowed the water to soothe me as I swam laps. Enjoying my solitude there, I put my favorite music of the 70s, singers and songwriter’s playlist on. Again, I allowed the tears to fall as I floated, gazing up into the blue sky as the puffy white clouds passed overhead. Allowing Spirit to hold me as the emotion flowed it’s way through. I used to fear crying. I thought I would literally never stop and drown in my own tears. My heart would ache so heavily, it hurt. Nowadays, I’m thankful that I can self soothe and go with that emotional river’s flow until it is ready to cease. I can retire to my bedroom, my sanctuary and write a poem. Wrestling with truth is becoming easier and always necessary my dears.

Caught in between

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