Month: November 2018

Mental health, Spirituality

The truth about secrets

MariaTeresa

Keeping secrets can be destructive to your mental and physical health. It can also be very stressful. Now I’m not talking about ALL secrets, some can be really great because they are meant to boost our loved ones life. This post is about holding in negative secrets and what that does over time to ourselves. Most importantly it’s about learning to truly listen to our bodies by tuning into our authentic selves.

As an empath, I am an extremely honest person and because of that I am a bad liar! I always wear my emotions on my face, sleeve and wherever else one can decern what I’m feeling from. Since studying and learning about human behavior I have also developed ways to decipher truth from fiction through body language. These clues go past my initial gut feelings that stem from being an empath. There have been plenty of times that I feel a situation in someone else’s life is about to go south and yet I must remain quiet until the person wants to admit what their truth is. It is a real struggle for me. I’m referring to a certain scenario happening right now and for confidence and trust reasons I can’t disclose too many details here yet I need to write about it for my own sanity.

I understand that each person I encounter must realize their own truth in their own time. I know what it’s like to live in denial, how that felt and how it feels now to live my truth. Denying who you are is thoroughly exhausting and counter to everything I believe in yet I had to learn from that mistake. It’s a very personal journey that I know I can’t intervene in. Even though I love this person with my whole heart and it hurts to see them in so much emotional pain, I must still observe and remain silent. Here’s where patience comes in because no matter how we advise others on their life choices because we feel we are trying to help them, it is ultimately their choice in the end. It is their lesson to learn and I need to detach myself with love and just listen. I’m sorry for being so vague but I am struggling right now with keeping someone else’s secret. I want to keep their business private and yet I want to scream it from the rooftops at the same time!! My role in life as an empath can feel like a curse at times like this. I wish I didn’t feel or have thoughts about this person’s future. At the same time I must trust the forces that be because I know my purpose is to heal others. It takes on different forms but that is what I am here in this world to do. Sometimes this comes at my own expense healthwise. I’m still learning and working on my boundaries. Granting myself permission to detach with love is a challenge because i cate so much about everything. Emotionally for me it feels like I am abandoning the person I love yet intellectually I know I’m preserving myself. For most of my life I chose to be the one who got hurt instead of the person I loved. I would gladly take on their emotions thinking that I was “saving” them from the pain. In truth I was just suffering and they remained unaware. It’s a work in process.

I have listened, advised, cared for and sacrificed for this person. I have willingly kept many dirty secrets for this person too. I keep reminding myself I can only control myself and my behavior yet the urge to “fix” this person can feel overwhelming at times. Sometimes too I have to remind myself not to expect others to respond the way I do when faced with a challenge. At first I am fearful but lately I have been trying to push myself past that feeling to implement positive change and growth. It is really scary yet I refuse to go backwards or remain locked in negative patterns that don’t serve me.

I know whatever the outcome I will be alright. I must trudge down my life’s path alone because at the end of the day each of us must live with ourselves alone. No amount of love can save anybody we love from themselves.

I wrote this poem a few days ago about what it feels like to be this person’s secrets holder. I entered it into a poetry contest and won honorable mention. It is amazingly humbling and I feel so honored to be recognized for my writing.

As always my friends, I am so happy to have this outlet to share my inner most thoughts. Let me know if you can relate to this one…..

Mental health, Spirituality

Nothing can hold me down

MariaTeresa

There are so many negative cliches about aging. After my 21st birthday, I could care less about celebrating my birthday. Now at 40, I fully embrace my years on this earth and am proud of where I am mentally. I feel that the challenges I have faced created many opportunities to learn, grow, evolve and helped me to gain more wisdom. When somebody asks me how old I am, I’m glad to tell them. For me this is a stark difference from how I felt even ten years ago.

A few factors contribute to how our society views age, most especially how each gender ages. Men become distinguished looking when their hair turns gray and women are described as old. The beauty industry drives these ideas about aging by producing products to stop or help freeze time from affecting our looks. Many of us subscribe to the idea that aging is bad and not something to be celebrated based solely upon our outward appearances instead of what really matters which is how we feel on the inside. Granted, I sometimes feel more tired or sore after doing activities that in the past didn’t faze me physically. Lately however I have become more interested in how my mind works, specifically how I cope with life’s struggles. My age has definitely improved my over all outlook and I feel more positive that I will overcome whatever life throws at me.

In my youth growing up, when a problem arose it felt like the end of the world and impossible to overcome. I was much more pessimistic with even the thought of facing dark times. Experience has now shown me that things can always be worse and with patience the light will eventually prevail. I trust in that because I now trust in myself.

I have had a few people in my life that were determined to break my spirit physically, mentally and emotionally. I have endured harsh abuse from those that were supposed to love me. Initially these situations left me doubting, blaming and hating myself. I was allowing these people to own space in my mind and ultimately control me. I passively accepted whatever they projected upon me and internalized their evil which had me spending years in a heavy depressed state suffering in my own mental prison.

Now on the other side of that hell, I realize that what changed was a shift in my perception of reality. I believe experience (age) has been my best friend in dealing with how best to navigate whatever life throws at me. I refuse to suffer and take on the negativity of others actions. As an empath this is one of the most important lessons I have had to implement for my own safety and peace of mind. For years I was easily confused by all the controlling energy and aggressive emotions swirling around me. I have had to learn boundaries to protect myself from these unwanted effects from certain people. When I encounter these people I am now keenly aware of how my body responds to their energy. I feel like I’m suffocating and I instantly feel nervous and unsafe. Becoming aware of these changes to my own well being has become key to successful breaking the cycle.

I use positive mantras, meditation and essential oils to ground me. I have learned to check in with myself and become mindful when assessing what I am feeling. Trusting my gut and listening to the clues I am given. In the past I was either unaware or unwilling to question these internal clues. I feel age has taught me that when something doesn’t feel right I need to pay attention to it and not ignore it. Mostly I think I was fearful of these mystery feelings. I only became aware that I am an intuitive and physical empath a few years ago by the guidance of my long term therapist. Before her insight  directed me to my truth I just thought I was crazy. I didn’t know how to explain what was going on internally, distracting me and pulling my focus away. I lived in a perpetual state of fear. I didn’t discuss these feelings and thoughts with anyone because I didn’t think anybody would understand. I was trapped inside this enormous web of complex emotions without any idea of if what I was feeling belonged to me or someone else around me. I also get what I call “visions” which I see in my mind like words on a banner. These can be either a premonition for the future or the thoughts of someone I am close to. These days it’s most times the thoughts of my fiance. I have only recently become able to properly handle this phenomenon going on inside me 24/7.

These thoughts and feelings used to absolutely exhaust me, terrify me and depress me leaving me completely clueless as to what was going on. I am so grateful to my therapist and to my friend who is a fellow empath who educated me on ways to protect myself. Life lessons that are invaluable. This poem reflects how I feel today!

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Anxiety, Depression, Grief and loss, Mental health

Gathering hope, one more try

MariaTeresa

I have overcome many obstacles in my life that I thought at the time would break me. Ten years ago, while I was still married, I lost my house in the housing crash of 2008. Even today I still struggle putting that experience into words that accurately portray how that felt. In the three years following that catastrophic event I endured a few more deep losses, the horrible death of my beloved cat, having to give away my dogs followed by my divorce that ultimately broke my relationship with my boys. Shouldering the blame for it all, now I realize just how naive I was to the pain and sadness I was truly feeling. I had to make some tough decisions in order to survive. The financial ruin is still something I haven’t fully recovered from. In true C-PTSD fashion, it has taken me years to heal from grief. At the time I wasn’t hopeful God had opened a window in response to the many doors that had been slammed in my face.

Today however, it is these experiences that have reshaped me. I had to construct an overhaul of my thinking in order to get out of bed everyday. The heavy seriousness of such stark change was absolutely suffocating at times. I attempted to stuff and swallow it all by drinking to excess, over exercising and restricting my food intake. I have a terrible knack for kicking my own butt and punishing myself when things go wrong in my life. My resistance to accept what was going on around me proved completely futile. Something had to change and the only thing I had control over was myself and my responses to the lemons I was receiving. I learned how to make lemonade by redirecting my thoughts and gathering hope where I could find it.

Throughout all the heartache, my faith in humanity was tested. I have some wonderful lifelong friends that put their arms of support around me and guided me back into the light. I’m someone that prides myself on being there for others and I don’t ask for help often. During these years my priorities shifted when I made the decision to wave the white flag of surrender. Swallowing that pride was one of the hardest and most fruitful choices I made.

There are many misconceived notions about what it means to be strong versus weak. We all go through dark times and our ego’s will lie to us by telling us, “I have got this.” I was forced to realize that I most definitely didn’t “have it” and I needed help. My friends uplifted,  guided and at times carried me through a time I was sure would destroy me completely.

People tell me often how strong I am. Most days I am proud of where I have come from and what I have achieved. Understanding what is truly important, what I need instead of what I want. My route to these realizations was a hard lesson to learn.

In the United States, we live in an over consumption culture fueled by the myth of the more you have the happier you are. In reality, I have learned this is false. Bigger, better, faster, more of everything is a sure fire way to disappointment because the emptiness we try to fill with those things provides a false sense of security. The depressing reality of materialism causes one to feel secluded, lowers human interaction and socialization. We must work more and spend less time with family and friends in order to maintain what we think we “need”. I believe this driving cycle is a self fulfilling  prophecy. We gain real happiness from our connection with others which is not something that can be bought.

Today, I don’t have many possessions and I live more of a minimalist lifestyle. The things I have lost can never break me because I choose to invest in relationships with the ones I love. I now understand that if I hadn’t experienced loss, I wouldn’t have gained hope and faith. It is the people around me that continue to support me, proving to me that as long as I keep trying and never give up the sky’s the limit. My dreams can become reality and I definitely have more than one try left in me.

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Mental health, Spirituality

One voice can start a revolution

MariaTeresa

There are many periods of my life in which I felt alone, utterly alone. The impact trauma and abuse has on an individual creates the prefect environment for isolation to take over. There are many reasons for one to withdraw and for me it was mostly fear. I was afraid for those around me to know what was happening and then judge me. Always feeling that I was to blame for my situation. My thinking has been skewed in regards to this most of my life. One of my core beliefs has always been that I’m not good enough and everything is my fault. It’s a terrible burden to carry yet I willingly did so for thirty-five years.

I grew up without a lot of guidance from either if my parents. I never got the heart to heart chats about life, how to be successful, encouragement of my dreams or how to navigate rejection. My mother and my father were both unfortunately ill equipped emotionally to be parents and therefore I have had to figure a lot out as an adult. They provided for us financially, my siblings and I never wanted for anything. When it came to “the meat” of parenting however, the tough stuff, we were left to our own devices. I spent so much of my upbringing in fear, creating a facade so nobody would suspect the pain I was in. I don’t think I even acknowledged it myself until my first mental breakdown seven years ago.

Since that experience, I have had many epiphanies about my life. I have learned to forgive, not forget what has happened to me because without it I wouldn’t be who I am today. Growing up neglected emotionally, being emotionally and psychologically abused, taking on adult responsibility at a young age made me the kind and understanding woman I am today. It’s easy for me to spot those that need a little extra TLC. It’s truly gratifying for me to listen to someone, relate to them and make them feel better about themselves. One of my ambitions in life is to be there for others compassionately because I know what it feels like to be alone and misunderstood.

I just read an article on how hate crimes have dramatically risen this past year. Too many in our society feel isolated and misunderstood. These feelings produce anger, which is a secondary emotion. The root cause of hate is fear. The vast unknown outcomes in life, the projections onto others about what we don’t like within ourselves combine to produce overwhelming fear of the other. That fear then turns into hate. Our world is crying out for tolerance towards so much we fear as a society. There are so many movements and support groups that we look for to have our voices heard. I feel technology is the newest producer of isolation. Too many of us can live in a safe bubble that separates us from what we don’t like and understand. That division is having an overwhelmingly negative impact on how we see each other. Judging others from the outside instead of what’s on the inside which is our common human connection. Humanity is under attack and hate is rising.

The recent mid term election cycle had me focusing on what keeps us so divided in this country. I thought about the rise of hate, the need for understanding and what could bring us to a more peaceful place in our communities. The ability to be vulnerable and share our emotions with one another is a good place to start the healing. Placing judgement aside and truly listening to each other. Only then can we come together in love and begin to comprehend our neighbor on a more human level. Abolishing the hate and darkness allowing for more acceptance and light.

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Mental health, Spirituality

A new chapter and more life lessons

MariaTeresa

This week I have started a new and long awaited chapter in my life. I have a new job doing something I have always wanted to and finally the opportunity presented itself. For the very first time I am able to focus on myself and what I want to do career wise. I have struggled with that concept my entire life for many reasons. Mostly because the fear of failure has always plagued me. My natural instincts and caring for others has always been my main focus. These past two and a half years have taught me many lessons. My fiance was diagnosed with a challenging medical condition that has required so much of my support. He and I had our own business that ultimately failed due to his health issues. Our life went on pause mode while we worked to get him healthy.

If I had to choose one virtue that I relied upon during this time, it would be patience. There is no truer act of love than patience. The innumerable amount of unknowns he and I have encountered, all the wait and see periods involving new medications for him and how much his diagnosis has impacted my life were extremely challenging. Bearing witness to his journey of adjusting, learning to cope with his new “normal” and acceptance has been very inspiring. This process  has also proven to me my own strength and endurance for coping with so many difficult situations. During these years he gave me the nickname of, “Tephlon”. In truth we have both become incredibly strong mentally because we support each other with love. I have spent 99% of these past years never leaving his side. The trust he has gained in me has allowed us to grow closer emotionally which is so beautiful.

During this darkness I try to recognize the positive lessons I’m learning. I am a firm believer in everything that happens to me is for a reason. I’ve become acutely aware of how shifting my attachment can decrease my suffering. Within every troubling situation we encounter there is a choice to be made about how much or how little mental energy we should grant it. The impact on me, how much power am I willing to give it until I start to crumble under it’s pressure. I have learned it’s far better for my sanity to not allow a lot of negativity to hang around in my mind for too long. I achieve this by meditating and compartmentalizing. Looking for the silver lining. We create so much of our own suffering by the way we frame our thoughts. It’s one of the few things we do have control over in life. Many terrible things around us will happen all throughout our life’s journey but it’s up to us how we handle it.

My friends have ask me a lot, how do you deal with _______? It’s all in how I choose to attach myself to it. At times I can get bogged down in depressive episodes where I can’t make sense around any of what’s going on. My mind becomes so foggy and I get physically cold, all I want to do is lay under my blankets and hide from the world. I believe this too serves a purpose. I have learned to accept that my mind has been traumatized for so long by fear and sadness. In order for me to accept any challenge I must reflect upon who I am and what I have overcome. By giving myself time to explore within what has worked for me in the past, I am able to see the choice I should make. Most of all, I refuse to give up or quit because my will to evolve is so strong. These are all choices we must make when we can claim that power.

I am absolutely grateful for all of it. The good as well as the bad stuff. If everything was easy and nothing changed I wouldn’t have grown. I wouldn’t have acquired so many important skills. In a past blog post I wrote about how I have a hard time believing and trusting myself. If I didn’t choose to go through these hardships with a positive outlook, I wouldn’t have discovered that has now changed.

For the first time in awhile I think I’m gonna be ok.

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