Words

There is so much to say yet I get stuck on what to say
The time goes by so fast and I ‘m left here
Alone
Without the ones that made me feel special. Gave me purpose, knew me the best and saw me at my worst.
Blanketed by guilt I hide.
Shut away, trying to abide.
The pain, the memories.
So much promising talent squandered.
Let down, let down, down.
It’s a long way down.
Drifting and falling
Need to be released and revived
A jolt, a kick start
Back to reality.
What can start the fire burning in me again
Just a spark can start the flame
Reignite the dream
Move me along down the path
I’ve taken off the mask
But I still can’t believe it’s me that’s afraid to see
The shame of the past, the feelings they last
And the memories are cemented
Dragging me back
Over and over again
Till my end.

When I went through my separation and divorce from my ex-husband I remember constantly feeling an immense sense of guilt and shame. I took on everything and only blamed myself, it was all my fault. My fault for having mental illness. My fault for not being able to mother my two boys like I had for the previous twelve years. My fault for our financial ruin. My fault for losing our house to foreclosure.

In hindsight of course and since processing all of that grief, I know now that I was taking on too much of the responsibility. I was thinking and behaving irrationally. I have been conditioned my entire life to take on everybody I care for’s emotions. Therefore, I was always accountable and responsible for everybody. I believe most of that is due to two factors that were influencing me greatly. One was that my mother has Narcissistic BPD. She is incapable of regulating her emotions, unable to have positive interpersonal relationships and my daily life was chaotic. I’m also someone with ESP (extrasensory perception) manifesting in me being an intuitive empath.

I wrote”Words” as a reflection of that time in my life. It also serves as a permanent reminder for me that I don’t have to feel that way anymore. It’s not healthy more me emotionally and I have had to put some emotional boundaries in place. Writing is my form of self care. It’s how I process all the difficult emotions and the traumatic events that have gone on in my life. It’s how I am healing and will continue to.