Spirituality

Shedding my skin, answering the call

We have officially entered this last month of 2019 my dear readers. I awoke this morning with lots of words swirling around my head which for this creative soul means a poem is about to come through. I have always relied upon writing to express my feelings and emotions. In this past year I have relied heavily upon creating poems to articulate my own life’s observations and experiences. Today one word kept popping up over and over again, bones.

In the past six months, as you my dear readers know, I have had an accelerated growth period within the spiritual awakening I now find myself in. This process has allowed me to shed so many old coping habits, mindsets and behaviors that no longer serve my highest self. That’s what I’m very focused on in life, what works and what doesn’t.

I’m an empath that has incredibly fast moving energy. I absorb it like a sponge through my pores. I liken my thoughts to a spinning rolodex. When a poem is forming in my mind, I see the words written across a kind of white board as a vision. They come together quickly and don’t take much effort on my part at all. The phrase that kept repeating in my mind this morning was, make no bones about it. As usual, I googled it for the exact definition:
To Make No Bones About Something. Meaning: To say clearly what you think or feel about something, however unpleasant or awkward it. To make no bones about something means to say something in a way that leaves no doubt, or to have no objection to it.

This makes perfect sense to me. First of all, I am honest to a fault. Being both an empath and a Sagittarius, at times my words spill out bluntly with little or no tact to my delivery. I speak my mind and my truth as I always have. I know this is one of the traits my fiance adores the most in me. He knows when he asks me my opinion on something, he always gets the truth! I can further relate to this phrase very much while I make this shift, shedding outdated ways to deal with life like a repitle sheds it’s old skin to make way for a new one. Snakes and lizards do this to allow for growth and to remove parasites that have attached themselves to their old skin. Again, this too I can relate to. I’m always growing and evolving, getting rid of aspects within my life that have become a drain upon me. A parasite sucks the nutrients it needs to live and feeds off of its host.

Before I started this deep inner work, I can admit to allowing others to feed off of my energy. Family, friends even co-workers would become very draining for me to handle and that was detrimental to my own well being. I have always had a very high tolerance and patience for drama therefore in my past I made decisions within my relationships that were in hindsight not the best for my life long term. That was then, this is now.

Like that animal who sheds its skin in order to allow for growth and a cleansing of the blood sucking, leech like organisms, I too am ridding myself of the pests in my life by letting go. Getting down to my bare bones. Building a newer and more solid foundation for my authentic self to blossom within. My spirit deserves to breathe free and fly to where the winds of change my take me. An emotional and mental cleansing that is happening at a rapid pace to keep up with my intentions and manifestations.

Recently I had a video chat with a fellow female empath that was so inspiring and validating to my soul! She was so open and kind by complimenting me on my inner strength and realized powerful spirit. It made me blush at first honestly because I’m new to fully accepting compliments. She told me to shine like the queen’s essence I embody. After we said our goodbyes, her words were still in my mind. I looked at myself in the mirror and I told myself, “Maria, this is your time to shine and if others can’t handle it or find fault in your new found confidence, tell them to put on sunglasses!”

I’m at the stage in my life where I can see the big picture clearly. Speaking of glasses, I feel like I just got a new pair! All the questions and curiosity’s about life that I have had up to this point are all being answered revealing my path’s purpose. I am here to listen, share, heal and inspire others who feel lost, marginalized or forgotten. I know that feeling all too well and I won’t allow anybody I come across to feel that kind of severe hopelessness and worthlessness. I have walked in those ratty, torn up shoes of despair too and I will do whatever I can to lend a hand or a smile to those in need. A disrupter in life that fights against hate and evil to shine a light of empathy and compassion for those that need it. It’s in my bones. It’s my calling and I am answering it wholeheartedly and determined to make a difference.

Mental health

Celebrating the small steps

In the last few days an undeniable and solid peace has washed over and is comforting me. My analytical mind wants to call out all of the reasons why I think this is so. Again, even while writing this and essentially downloading my thoughts on the subject of furthering this self healing journey I am on, I can’t help but see how both parts of my brain are working together. Not just the logic seeking, results driven analytical part but also the communicative, creative and empathetic part too working in a kind of see saw effect. I once dwelled so intensely in just the analytical part of my mind. So much so that I would get lost in the whys and feel terribly stuck. Sound familiar to anyone?

In the past as I just mentioned, I felt cut off and deprived at times from my creativeness. I believe that to be the lighter, more carefree and fearless part of me that can show myself compassion and grace. These two sides are no longer at war with each other. They have founded a new partnership and by doing so I am feeling a real sense of freedom.

I spend a lot of time these days reading about and exploring levels of consciousness. I believe that I am in the process of teasing out two concepts. One being observing how my ego mediates between superego and the id aspects of my personality. The stories each can spin in order to protect myself and impede the incredible shift that I’m undergoing are challenging my entire thought process while I expand my consciousness. Uncovering my true self, rewriting old and unfounded beliefs, lies really that don’t match my reality is for me just a higher level of awareness.

The second concept is integration of my shadow self and how much awareness I now have whenever I feel myself getting uncomfortable with parts of myself that feel at first shameful and threatening to my sanity. By digging a bit deeper and unconconditionally loving those parts of myself, I have created space for more acceptance of myself.

For example, the beliefs I have surrounding my own sexuality used to feel dirty and wrong. Instinctively I have been both dissoactive and dialectical when it comes to sex in general seeing it as both beautifully pleasurable, necessary as a bodily function while also feeling negatively full of shame. Yes, that is due to the sexual abuse and trauma I have experienced but it’s amazing how many other stories my ego would silently scream at me surrounding other aspects of my personality that aren’t part of my sexual identity as a woman.

I am continuing to tap into my self care rituals and reestablishing my yoga practice, breathwork and meditation has been hugely effective in gaining more mindfulness of both my thoughts and my physical awareness. How my feelings feel in my body. The most recent being a redefined focus of how anger feels. I know anger is born out of fear and while most of my life has been run by fear and anxiety, it makes sense to me that I am now paying closer attention to how anger feels.

I had blocked, stuffed and dissociated myself from these two most uncomfortable and troubling feelings. It sounds silly now to me but fear played a role in my drive that in the past I felt necessary to propel me on in life. Anger was something I completely denied and wouldn’t allow myself to truly feel. When I’m angry I have felt ugly, wrong and unworthy. These were the mixed messages my brain was being sent that only drove me further down sufferings path.

Now integrating these different yet vital pieces of my psyche I can clearly see how each one serves me and allows my resilience to grow. I’m having to have patience with myself which is extremely hard for me. I’m great at holding this space for others but when the focus is on me I immediately become impatient with myself. Meditation allows for and creates space between these conflicting thoughts. Once messages are challenged and the universe sends me signs that tell me to accept, love and care for myself in spite of my shortcomings, peace and contentment can grow and take root in my soul.

It’s so richly rewarding to be taking care of myself in these ways. Reparenting my wounded inner child, loving and accepting the small accomplishments will lead me to succeed. I have always held space for others, putting them before myself being and being the ultimate people pleaser. These days I am reevaluating how I feel in each of my relationships and establishing stronger boundaries. I’m deciding what is and isn’t my responsibility and what I will or won’t allow from others. It’s the ultimate in self love dear readers.

I’m really seeing how much these last 6 months of deep diving into integration of my shadow and reexamining my self acceptance, holding space for grace towards myself has given to my entire outlook on life. I know success is in my near future now. Doing this work has allowed me to open up my ability to tap into my flow state more. Operating from a much more conscious place. Focusing on really learning to love me.

Untangling shame is so empowering and is helping me alter my perceptions which give my creative mind even more to explore. Dwelling in the sticky uncomforbility of it all, challenging difficult emotions and moods is becoming a new superpower. I have accepted that only Maria can take the best care for Maria. This conversation I’m having with myself represents true inner beauty and acceptance because both light and dark must meet in order to be completely authentic ❤️

Mental health, Spirituality

Anniversary reaction and the new moon

This October has been very emotionally draining for me. As I realized the date today staring back at me just this morning it dawned on me the fact that every October and November in the past eight years have unfolded that way. Having Complex PTSD is the culprit because there is this little phenomenon that happens called the Anniversary reaction or effect. My body remembers that eight years ago within the months of October and November I endured tremendously intense trauma.

This month also ushered in the Harvest full moon on Oct.13th and in the past two days we have been feeling the affects of the new moon rising in Scorpio. Google defines this new moon as this:

The 2019 New Moon In Scorpio is about embracing the unknown. It’s rare that life unfolds exactly as you want it to. Often, what results is a mess of both success and failure. Even if you get what you want, it might not feel as fulfilling as you thought it would.”

Boy does THAT resonate with me! Needless to say, the combination of energy forces has proved to be quite tumultuous for me dear readers. It’s required me to put more effort into my self care by closely monitoring the daily reflections I jot down in my journal. My favorite tool in counterbalancing these emotional shifts is journaling. Remaining self aware of my thoughts, feelings and behaviors helps keep me in the moment as much as possible when my ego starts whispering lies and goes into full on protective mode.

Becoming more and more “realized ” as an empath, the rapidly downloaded messages I receive from the universe have also kept me on my toes. Here in Dallas, we expierienced a tornado and lots of thunderstorms that caused severe damage. Thankfully, the area of the city I live in was unaffected but I can definitely attest to feeling the vibrational pressure and sheer force of that kind of destructive power. The only option when faced with such strength is to remain as calm as possible by constantly reminding myself that this too shall pass. These temporary effects in nature and the energy being felt has resulted in an overwhelming amount of heaviness on me. Each day this month I felt a varying degree of extra pressure.

The best defense I have found is sticking to my daily rituals. The more my body can expect the comforting aspects of each self compassion tool I employ the more relaxed my hypervigilance is. Granted, this is time consuming and can definitely put strain on my day if I don’t make the proper allowances. Time management is an extremely important part of planning my day.

Another thing I’ve been reminded of this month is to resist making decisions during this period of intense emotional upheaval. Making decisions based in emotion is something I used to do a lot in my past. Afterwards, I learned that those decisions produced unsuccessful outcomes so I must refrain from those knee jerk reactionary responses. This month I was reminded almost daily to chill out. My best defense is to NOT react.

This month is a good example of growing pains. Nothing changes when life is easy and I don’t challenge myself. In the past six months I have conducted a complete overhaul of my internal story, my core beliefs and reassessment of the painful memories related to the traumas I have survived. My brain pushes back upon the new pathways I have built because our brains don’t accept change easily. My fight, flight or freeze triggers have also been in overdrive as I confront the difficult emotions that have long been cemented into my internal story.

These challenging feelings include an unrealistic sense of being abandoned, unaccepted and unloved. A constant, nagging reoccurring thought of not being worthy has threatened to cripple my behavior and how I respond to uncomforbility. I want to give up, throw the towel in. Pushing through these moments creates a feeling of accomplishment that raises my self esteem. I’ve been reminded that, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” I have leaned on this mantra a lot lately. Incorporating breathwork and meditation is essential for soothing the conflicting messages my brain screams at me. Again, this too shall pass…..if I let it!

Relaxing into the natural flow and unfolding of life by consciously releasing my white knuckle grip on how I think life should be is a daily challenge and one that I meet with head on every morning. Positive self talk sets me straight and gives me permission to accept these difficult emotions. Reminding myself that growth is sometimes painful. Change isn’t easy. It’s natural to have bad days while the process of self healing continues. It’s a never ending journey. Eight years ago I attempted to end it all. Even though this month and next stand as yearly reminders of my painful past, it’s also another opportunity for self forgiveness.

Today, I feel more empowered and I know that I have a choice. That’s a fact I didn’t believe I had eight years ago. I am not my past. I have grown a lot and am continuing to heal. A journey I am grateful to of chosen.

Mental health, Spirituality

Intentionally releasing and letting go

Where to begin. It seems too much. Thoughts running through seem my mind are sometimes too much. I must get this out is what my soul is yearning to scream. Was all of this for real or is it just a dream? The affects of the full moon are upon me in full force this weekend. I am needing a release of my thoughts and feelings, these words more than ever, to be dumped from my mind.

I took careful preparations Friday because I knew what I would be walking into at my job that night. It was the busiest night I have seen so far in the hotel my boutique is in downtown Dallas. Besides the full moon’s energy ramping up the dial, we have our State Fair going on PLUS the huge rivalry game between Texas and Oklahoma. This game will be played close to where I live, at the Cotton Bowl.

I awoke to my me-time to do list consisting of my grounding meditation, light therapy device session, journaling, tarot card reading and yoga practice. This spiritual warrior and trauma survivor knows the stuff I need to do to prepare myself before I head out into the world but most especially this type of crowd!

As soon as I stepped foot into the hotel, I was smacked in the face by a strange, frenetic and unpleasant feeling. The energy this empath was picking up on was over the top. I kept whispering to myself to stay steady, find my center and be mindful of my breath. You see, when I feel this kind of uncomfortable energy, it actually makes my heart race and my hands shake. I braced myself for what I knew the inevitable was.

The first part of the night was wonderful actually. Getting the opportunity to chat with others while helping them find what they need is truly my dream position! I get to meet and greet others from all over the world! It’s humbling to be asked if the boutique is my own, to which I blush and admit to the manager. I am truly invested into it for a few reasons. Number one is I absolutely adore the couple who own it! They have become such dear and kind friends to both my fiance and I. I feel like and treat their boutique like my second home. I feel genuinely honored mostly to host hotel guests and customers into their vision of a fun retail experience. The boutique has a little bit of everything, we hit every price point and have very unique items!

Second is I get to employ my natural talent for helping people while listening to their stories. As an empath and for my entire life, people just have always talked to me and told me their “stuff”. I definitely have the gift of gab and as my fiance’s Mom tells me, I never meet a stranger.

Thirdly, the hotel our boutique is in is just really very cool. It’s an older hotel that was actually closed down for many years. The Statler, was originally called The Grand. It has since been renovated and bought by a private owner. Like the boutique, The Studio Store, the hotel welcomes all types of people from all walks of life. There are different things to do, see and experience all over the entire property as well as the nightly events that take place in its bars and restraunts. I get such a kick out of people watching there! Contemporary modern mixed with an older more classic vibe dresses the setting for an anything can happen atmosphere!

I seem to be drawing lots of new friends into my world who I find out are empaths too! Tonight was no exception. I met two really down to Earth ladies that told me they too are empaths after I spilled the beans about being one 😉 Even after that, the fun, witty banter and usual interactions with the many employees and residents that come in and out of the boutique seemed to quickly evaporate as the night drained on.

It really wasn’t until the last hour and a half before I closed up that it sucked me in. That super heavy and drained of all energy, deeply troubling and conflicted feeling hit me like a mack truck. Boom and now I felt like I was dragging myself to the finish line after a marathon! My head started to hurt and spin as I kept checking the time. I must admit it has been a minute since I felt this overwhelmingly bogged down. Right as I was piecing my emotions together, a hotel employee started literally speaking my thoughts out loud. His validation of feeling exactly as I did was weirdly comforting.

I even stayed open later than usual because I still had a few people lookingaround and purchasing items. It took every fiber in my being to hold it together until I clocked out and locked the door. Then unfortunately, I got into another terrible Lyft experience(in the past few weeks there have been entirely too many)

By the time I arrived home, I was dragging myself and willing my feet to take each step. I sat down on my couch and bowed my head and immediately begin to cry. Soft tears at frst led to sobbing while I heaved and hoed my sorrows out. I felt reduced to a puddle on the floor feeling like a dried up orange, drained from all its fruit.

Then it dawned on me. This is a Hunter full moon. A time for letting go, releasing and expelling that which no longer serves us. I asked myself if tonight was Divine Source’s way of showing me how NOT to be? Stop giving away all of my energy so freely? Nah, that’s not it. Then I read a post by a truly gifted and talented writer on here, The Typewriter.

It wasn’t even a recent post but one from June of last year that expressed why she writes. Sharing her many thoughts and philosophies. Just getting the words that tumble around our ever thinking minds out is a gift and a blessing. I believe it is the chosen few who can have the shifted perception to believe it’s when I am down, I am the strongest. For it’s my hurt and pain that I transmute into positive and sustainable life energy.

Reflecting back, tonight was a manifestation of what I set out for my intentions this AM in my journal. Deciding to let go of all that no longer has purpose in my life. No more squandered and wasted energy and brain power. Bloom and blossom into the flower I am meant to be. Show others my authentic self by being honest, open and giving. Speading kindness to all whom I encounter along the way.

Writing this post was helpful because now all of those thoughts, feelings and emotions that aren’t mine can be released and let go. No poem attached to this post. Just this…..

I call this my bubble mantra an I say it out loud after practicing my grounding meditation.

“I am surrounded by healing light. It protects my spirit from negativity and that which isn’t mine. I will not rescue others emotionally. I am safe. I am grounded. Nothing can infest and infect my spirit”.

It can feel quite scary to pick up on and feel other’s pain. It is then that I remind d myself that m duty is to show compassion towards others but nt to take responsibility for their emotions. We are all healing from something. My journey here, is mine and mine alone.

What about you dear readers, how are you intentionally letting go? What are you resisting and holding onto that may be creating undue suffering in your life?

Mental health, Spirituality

Happy 1 year anniversary to me

Just one year ago, I started this blog called “Emotional Musings”. I have been journaling, writing poems and short stories my entire life but always kept them private. Sometimes, I have written poems as gifts for my loved ones. This blog has started a new adventure for me. I have been able to connect with almost 1,400 readers from 30 different countries around the world.

I really didn’t know how writing these posts would affect me. Basically, I use the poems I write as my muse for what each post is centered around. My poems come to me as visions and take little effort to write. Each of the blog posts on my page discuss in depth, the meaning behind each poem. It’s a very introspective thing on my part to delve into what I was thinking and feeling each time a new poem comes to mind. I believe this process to be very cathartic and quite helpful to my overall healing from Complex PTSD.

In total I have written 62 posts on this blog. Most of them are centered around my experience as an empath in this fast paced and often confusing world that we live in today. Our culture focuses mostly on the analytical mind paying little attention to our emotional health and wellbeing. A few of my posts can be considered social commentary on how I view our culture, humanity as a whole and how spirituality plays a role in our society.

This blog has also been a vehicle for me to even consider myself a writer. Earlier this year I self published my very own book of poetry which is available on Amazon in both paperback and digital form. It means a lot to me to have all of my work titled “Emotional Musings ” because that’s the truth, each word is a reflection of my emotional state. I have been gathering my latest poems for the second book, “Emotional Musings2” which I plan to release before the end of this year. Stay tuned!

A huge thank you to my current 24 followers. I didn’t expect anybody to actually read this and I’m so grateful these posts resonate with others. It’s a real labor of love for me to write these posts as I view each one as an opportunity to not only reveal more about my personal journey but to allow others the space to consider theirs.

My mission here is to provide a space where others can relate to and find connection with their own emotional journey. It has been almost 10 years since I set out to discover just who I really am, what my purpose is and to heal from the traumatic events of my past. November will mark eight years since I first attempted suicide. That act of desperation as led me on a beautiful, painful yet ultimately rewarding expedition that has allowed me to constantly peel back the layers of my life’s onion. Uncovering and understanding my authentic self as a result of writing is absolutely priceless. I highly recommend this process to anyone who is searching for their own truth.

My wish for this next year to is be able to interact more with you readers. Please share my blog with others whom you believe it will resonate with, comment below and tell me more about yourselves. I hope to make this a more interactive space where I can lead open discussions on both whole body health and wellness along with spirituality. Mostly, I want each person who takes the time to read this blog to feel less alone in their emotions.

For so many years, I felt like I couldn’t discuss what was going on inside of me. Why did I know what others were going to say before they said it, why did I feel their feelings without first being told and where were these phantom pains coming from? Aside from my empath experiences, I know many of my experiences aren’t unique either. There are many of us out there who have spent time in psychiatric hospitals, inpatient and outpatient programs and weekly sessions of psychotherapy yet still feel lost even discouraged about their mental health.

This is Mental Health Awareness week in the United States. I hope my blog can serve as a safe space for others to not only recognize their own struggles but to gather information regarding the important role our emotions play and what our body’s are trying to tell us. I feel there needs to be more public education about how important it is to recognize one’s feelings and the sensations in the body. It’s essential for whole body health to be able to do a body scan and recognize where we hold emotion in our bodies. This is especially true for those of us healing from trauma. It’s true, the body holds onto trauma and we will continue to hurt until the root of the pain can be discovered and released. I highly recommend reading, “The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma” by Van der Kolk M.D., Bessel.

On Monday I woke to a much less humid day here in Dallas, TX. I decided to spend the afternoon running along the path at my favorite park. The path stretches around a huge lake for approximately ten miles. I took in scenic views of sailboats, canoes, fishermen and wildlife. Mostly I rejoiced in feeling the wind on my face. It was a beautiful day that produced the poem below, “Wind”. Autumn is my favorite season. Hopefully, I will get many more days just like this one.