Spirituality

Signs of transformation

The past two weeks since I last wrote a post have been full of highs and lows, such is life. The best parts have been glorious while the darker ones have definitely served as more life lessons. Now that summer is over and Autumn is upon us, I can look back and really reflect upon how much I have grown since early June.

Since deeply healing from the traumatic events in my past, I have consciously let go of the intense fear that was encompassing my entire life. It felt like a motor, the anxiety constantly coursing through my veins. The self doubt, mistrust of myself and not feeling good enough were beliefs I wore like a shield of armor. It didn’t protect me however, it hindered me and prevented my spiritual growth.

July was an extremely dark time for me while I worked to integrate my shadow self into the lighter side of my personality and spirit. I know now that the pushing away and denying of this part of my psyche caused it only to build and grow stronger. Like it was screaming at me loudly for acceptance all the while I was deaf to it! Refusing to accept these two intricate parts of myself took a lot of deep inner reflection, meditation and letting go. Slowly but surely, as I showed myself grace, while remaining patient with myself all of the pain and anguish disappeared.

Once the clouds had parted I started to see my life transform and take on a whole new direction. Manifesting my intentions and asking the universe to provide me with signs has been life altering. It seems that everyday a new person shows up to validate the truths I am now living! I have an amazing support circle of ladies both on social media and in my own life that uplift my spirits and allow me to soar higher as the free spirit I am!

Let me share with you two recent stories regarding how the universe works itself into my life to provide me with what I need at that moment. I am now managing a cute boutique inside of a popular contemporary hotel in downtown Dallas called The Statler. I absolutely love it because I get to do what I am best at, talking to people and fashion! A woman came in and immediately I could tell she was from Australia. I mention to her that a dear friend of mine lives there and that the two us went to high school togetet over twenty years ago. She then tells me that she and her partner are visiting Dallas for a wine tasting at our hotel. I tell her my friend runs a vineyard near Adelaide. Then she asked me the name of the vineyard to which I couldn’t recall. So then she comes right out and asks for a name. When I told her my friend’s name, she abruptly stopped what she was doing and told me with as much astonishment as enthusiasm that she knows him very well!! Apparantly her and her partner work closely with him on their wine!! There are 23 million people in Australia and this perfect stranger and I know the same person! What’s even more unbelievable is that my friend and I grew up in a small town in Northern New Jersey and here she and I were meeting in Dallas, TX!!! So cool right?

The night just kept getting better from there dear readers. An older couple came in and as soon as they started talking I could tell they were from the Boston area. I lived in Rhode Island for 13 years from 2000-2013. My two sons still live there with my ex-husband. I have a lot of fond memories of the area and the three of us hit it right off! They must’ve spent over an hour in the store shopping and telling me stories! I learned that Rosemary (Rosie) and Bob have been married for over forty years with two sons, one is married and one is close to becoming engaged. They adore their sons partners and even the women’s families which is awesome and rare to find. Such beautiful people, inside and out!

I share these two shining examples of humanity to highlight that we do really live in a small world. We are ALL connected in some way. Love and kindness are easy values to practice if more of us took the time to connect with each other. It’s not hard, takes little effort and patience, add a splash of curiosity and that’s it!! Socializing is becoming a lost art because of our fast paced world and high speed technology. Start making a conscious effort to put your phone down and look away from a screen in order to meet the people who come into your life. Trust me the entire experience is so rewarding!

I also experienced my first phenomenally profound vision. Last Saturday night I came home to a dark sky full of bright stars. One in particular caught my eye as it started to twinkle brilliantly against its black backdrop. I then watched it take on a deep purple hue as it transformed into a rose before turning into angel wings. Big and beautiful while remaining clearly present in this vivid purple color that took my breath away! My mouth hung open as I struggled to come to terms with exactly what was going on. I now believe my guardian angel revealed itself to me as a sign of mercy and transformation.

I started to ask Google in rapid fire succession anything and everything I could to figure out what just happened. I learned that Angel’s are neither male or female but are all knowing entities. This is what Google says:
Abrahamic religions often depict angels as benevolent celestial beings who act as intermediaries between God (or Heaven) and humanity. Other roles of angels include protecting and guiding human beings, and carrying out tasks on behalf of God.

Seeing the angel represented in the color purple means:
The purple angel light ray represents mercy and transformation. This ray is part of the metaphysical system of angel colors based on seven different light rays: Some people believe that the light waves for the seven angel colors, blue, yellow, pink, white, green, red, and purple, vibrate at different electromagnetic energy frequencies and attract the angels that have similar kinds of energy.

This information comes from an article entitled, “Angel Colors: The Purple Light Ray, Led by Archangel Zadkiel” written by Whitney Hopler. She goes to to explain this:

Purple Light Ray and Archangel Zadkiel

Zadkiel, the archangel of mercy, is in charge of the purple light ray. Zadkiel helps people approach God for mercy when they’ve done something wrong, encouraging them that God cares and will be merciful to them when they confess and repent of their sins, and motivating them to pray. Just as Zadkiel encourages people to seek the forgiveness that God offers them, he also encourages people to forgive others who have hurt them and helps deliver divine power that people can tap into to enable them to choose forgiveness, despite their hurt feelings.

Zadkiel helps heal emotional wounds by comforting people and healing their painful memories. He helps repair broken relationships by motivating estranged people to show mercy to each other.

I firmly believe in this explanation Ms. Hopler writes about because I saw it with own two eyes while under no mental stress or chemical impairment. My senses are heightened, my gifts are growing more powerful while my spirituality is always evolving.

Look for signs from the universe my dear readers, they are all around us in abundance just waiting to be acknowledged. Enjoy your weekend. I wish you peace, love and light ✌❀🌠

Spirituality

Harvest Full Moon, a time for change and release

Today marks an especially spiritually charged and powerful day. This is the first full moon to fall on Friday the 13th in 13 years! According to numerology and astrology experts, 13 is auspicious, being a sign for future success. We have 13 full moons and 13 menstrual cycles a year. Friday is also associated with the goddess Venus, who’s functions encompass love, beauty, desire, sex and fertility. The moon is in Pisces, a water sign associated with emotions, intuition and artistic inclination. Ushering in a stronger flow of compassion and a holistically grounding time for us to access intuition and our feelings.

As for this empath, I awoke feeling lighter and full of hope. I’m a Sagittarius, a fire sign, so today’s energy is extremely calming allowing me to thoughtfully cleanse my mind, body and soul of that which no longer serves me. Here are a few of the things I have done today to celebrate this new phase.

Recently, I started making Shungite water which helps rid the body of toxins, improves skin conditions while improving its tone and elasticity. It is also said to be a powerful miracle stone that improves joint health, boosts mental health and induces positive energy. It contains long lasting antioxidants that further extends its healthy and positive affects on the whole body. Shungite is a stone used for grounding, related to our root chakra or our “survival center” in the body. I wear one around my neck at all times. Today the first batch is ready, it takes 3 days to fully charge the water. I love the connection to today and what a great combination for my healing ritual!

My dear friend who is a Reiki master and shamanic healer, Lindsey Luna (@spiritmetamorphosis on IG) offered to pull a tarot card from a new deck she just acquired for a reading for me. I got Estanatlehi(pronounced es-tan–AHT–lu-hee) which is the Turquoise Changing Woman.

She represents the ever changing woman that never dies or ceases to change. Guiding us along on our path while we embrace change, that is essential for growth. I am not to fear this shedding of old ways but retain my spiritual connection while I strengthen my inner knowing. She offers courage, peace, trust and reassurance that will help navigate the shift taking place within me so my life can improve throughout the process. I will allow it all to unfold according to the Universe’s divine timing having it’s own unique rhythm of creative and loving intelligence.

The healing mantra included on this card which I spoke aloud in a meditative pose like how we see Turquoise Changing Woman is:

“Through unconditional love, I am blessed and empowered to grow through change. All that I need to evolve into the next expression of my divine destiny is generously provided for me. I surrender into divine blessing for renewal, now open to receive my highest good. So be it.”

After completing this meditation along with my daily chakra balancing meditation ,I feel my spirit flying free. I envision myself actively letting go of all the fears from my past. Manifesting my intentions upon this full moon, I am cleansing my spirit and energy of all that no longer has meaning or a place in my life. I accept the pain I have experienced in my past and let go of the fear it created within me. I am evolving from my past traumas and I understand that they have brought me here and helped create who I am today. I do not forsake them or hold regrets but instead choose to honor it. I have learned what my soul desires and what it will no longer allow. I am safe, I am protected and I love myself.

Moving forward with grace and self compassion, I welcome all that I deserve in this life. In order to achieve success I reflect upon the boundaries I have put in place within all the relationships in my life. Like I wrote in my post entitled, “This is my watershed moment,” nothing will be the same after this moment. That is a promise I made wih myself because I have grown. I am enlightened with a renewed respect for myself.

As a realized empath, I have specific needs essential to my healing. They include solid boundaries for myself and when dealing with others, having a clear vision for my life, while cultivating a strong sense of my power. I must surround myself with others who are like me, maintain their connection and support because their validation helps me embrace the willingness to do whaever it takes to work through this process. There is no place for victimhood. In the past week I have attracted three other women who have become my new friends and are empaths too.

As I leave my position with Starbucks and take on a new role as a boutique attendant inside an awesome hotel in the downtown area of Dallas, all of this makes perfect sense. I am doing something that is healthier for my well being and serves my personality a lot better. Less stress allows my creativity to blossom so I can fully focus on my writing. I can also now incorporate more of my yoga practice and love of dance back into my daily routine.

All around I feel so much joy and inner peace that I’m on the right track. My future looks bright and feels so good

πŸ§˜β€β™€οΈβœŒπŸ™πŸŒˆπŸ™ŒπŸŒ πŸŒšπŸ˜Ž

Mental health, Spirituality

What silence means to me

Life has it’s ebbs and flows. Lately I feel so connected, balanced and centered in my human vessel. The universe is providing me all that I need. I’m awake and conscious, sharply focused on manifesting my intentions. The best way I have learned to get there is through meditation.

Rediscovering, reclaiming and restarting my meditative practice has been absolutely vital to my whole body health. I was taught Transcendental meditation over 4 years ago but stopped my practice due to larger life stressors and putting my own health on the back burner. Not a great choice but that’s life sometimes, right? Knowing I can start again and get myself back to a place of zen is a beautiful gift that I’m choosing to give myself! It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. I’m showing myself grace by allowing missteps to happen.

I’ve really evolved this summer and integrating both Transcendental meditation, chanting and energy balancing meditation back into my life is a huge part of my newly uncovered peace of mind. We humans are mostly living in the subconscious while 95% of our brain functions this way. I believe because of my gifts and the higher vibration that I function at, I definitely use more than the average person. My therapist and I talk about how igniting different parts of one’s brain can definitely benefit those of us who have experienced trauma.

I read a study recently that showed the mental health field is now paying more attention to how trauma has impacted so many other conditions. A great deal of applause needs to be given for Dr. Gabor Mate. He has a background in family practice and a special interest in child development and trauma, and the potential lifelong impacts on physical and mental health, including autoimmune disease, cancer, ADHD, addictions, and a wide range of other conditions.

Basically, most of us think as trauma in the Big T way. The DSM-5 defines a PTSD trauma as any situation where one’s life or bodily integrity is threatened; these are typically large β€˜T’ traumas. While small β€˜t’ traumas for the most part would not lead to the development of pure PTSD symptoms, it is possible that a person can develop some trauma response symptoms. In other words, the person may experience increased distress and decreased quality of life. Most individuals develop PTSD as a by product of avoidance strategies, being “tough” to avoid the stigma of having a mental health issue yet completely inaffective in actually healing from the trauma itself.

I have been living with Complex PTSD my entire life. I can tell you the latest therapies (EMDR & Acupuncture for me) research and advice about how to actually alter my behaviors due to my trauma responses has proved life altering for my quality of life. I have connected with a great little group of mental health practitioners, empaths and light workers on Instagram who deal with the exact same “stuff” as I do. They have found a way out and are so validating to me while I navigate my own experiences.

My mission with this blog is to shed light upon, connect and share my truth with others whom have similar life experiences. Good, bad or indifferent. It’s all about gathering more positive energy and experiences so we can counter balance the negative ones that are inevitably going to show up during our journey here on Earth.

I recently had another bout of laryngitis. I am a chronic sufferer. When I lose my voice I must commit to at least one day of silence so I can recoup and rest my inflamed vocal chords. On Monday I found myself writing on a yellow legal pad so that I could effectively communicate with my partner. That experience was surprisingly amazing! I retreated into an inner realm that reminded me of meditation. As both a writer and somebody who likes to talk, I feel I have a lot to say most days. My fiance has to remind me to enjoy the quiet more, close my ever flapping lips and just be more often than I care to admit here.

By Tuesday I can admit to having a very rewarding and enlightening experience with silence. This poem was the end result of those emotions and experience. Sending love, light and positive energy to all my readers and fellow writers while we “Triumph over Trauma” ✌πŸ’ͺ😊

Spirituality

Making peace with my past and moving forward

I have really been going through quite a transformation as of late. The universe is always there to provide what I need when I need it. A return to caring for my emotional health, really a blessing in disguise. A sort of tap on the shoulder to remind me to always make my mental health a priority. Another opportunity for growth, understanding and healing. As an emotional, intuitive and physical empath and a woman who has Complex PTSD, I must work extra hard sometimes at maintaining my whole body health. This summer has been both tremendously painful and incredibly enlightening. I have learned to accept my shadow self in order to reap the benefits of a deeper understanding of myself and my personal truths.

I have uncovered more of what makes me ME, my authentic self. Disconnecting from the daily grind and using this leave of absence I am on to truly heal is a gift. I am eternally grateful to those who have crossed my path and helped me along the way. We are all connected and we need each other to survive. Speaking one’s truth can be scary sometimes but ultimately so liberating!

I had the pleasure of visiting with my oldest son, my parents and other family members in celebration of my Mom’s 75th birthday. What a milestone to ring in and what a month August has been for me. In order to think on a more complex level we must feel more and in order to do that, I have realigned myself by living in the moment.

Last week ushered in an abundance of gifts. Reconnecting with my oldest brother, having the opportunity to be there for somebody who needed support and spending more one on one time with my boy er man (he’s 18 now) lifted my spirits like a homeopathic medicine!

On my last day with my family, my Mom and I spent time at our favorite beach. The beach in general has always been my safe space, my happy place and where I feel most alive. This day was made extra special because I helped my Mom overcome her fears of living in an aging and sometimes failing body by getting into the ocean. It was so serene and refreshing, becoming one with the waves as I float on top of the water allowing the sheer power in it’s current to rejuvenate my soul. It’s the best cure for whatever is ailing me. Nothing brings a more peaceful vibe to me than floating in the ocean!

Once we were in the water and working to stabilize ourselves, we noticed this man. I instinctively could tell he was summoning the ocean’s great power for something. Turns out he is an energy healer and claircognizant. After a brief conversation he invited us into his energy grid of crystals. The intense warmth I felt while standing inside of it was so welcoming and soothing to all of my senses. He then proceeded to transmute the negative energy we each carry due to trauma into positive life affirming source energy. When I glanced over at my Mom, she was glowing! Absolutely beautiful and engulfed in this bright white light, it was amazing to witness! I’ve long suspected my mother too shares some metapyschical gifts and that experience proved it to me. He also successfully healed the trauma cord between us.

I also shared some very special time with my son. He admitted to me that he too has intuitive instincts, knowing things before they actually happen and feeling on a deeper level. I’m so happy he has me to talk to about his extra sensory perceptions because I didn’t have anybody to share my own experiences with at his age. I didn’t even start talking out loud to anyone about what has always been a huge part of my life until five years ago. Sharing these gifts with him is so deeply ingrained in who I am and I feel has brought us much closer.

The universe is taking care of me by providing all the answers to my many questions and fulfilling my desires. I’m vibrating on such a higher plane now. It feels amazing that I can clearly manifest my intentions. The love I have inside for myself and humanity is overflowing. I know how loved I am in return. My spirit is so bright and this human vessel I am in finally matches my insides! I feel completely whole. I possess an inner knowing, so much more makes sense to me.

Everyday I make it my 1st priority to meditate and align myself. It’s as important to me as breathing. Keeping myself balanced not only facilitates my own ongoing healing but is vital towards assisting others in theirs. I’m right where I’m supposed to be. My feet are planted firmly in today. Being present in this moment allows my free spirit to soar to new heights!

Mental health

My relationship with myself

This summer has been chock full of unexpected realizations, observations and shifts in my perception relating to my past traumas. As I continue to heal and incorporate new skills for coping, my therapist lent me a book entitled, “Unf*ck your brain”. It’s an easy read and I was able to read most of it on the plane during the recent visit with my family. Today I finished the last ten pages.

I’ve read many self help books but haven’t read anything in that category in years. Now that I’m solely focused on my own healing, I took this opportunity to really soak up the information this book presents. It’s a very common sense approach to understanding how your brain operates, reacts and handles trauma, the potential and possibilities for real change. Neuroplasticity, which is the ability of the brain to form and reorganize synaptic connections, especially in response to learning or experience or following injury. Each chapter is a break down of brain functions and the chemical responses to our emotions.

Awareness is more than 90% of the battle. Learning about and becoming aware of my triggers can help me slow the process of my reactors and responses to my emotions and behaviors. I’m not new at this but given my current circumstances this book was a good refresher. This is a long repetitive process because our brains love recognizing patterns and we become creatures of habit. Disrupting and challenging my thoughts can help rewire my brain’s ability to cope in a more productive way. I learned that emotions only last 90 seconds. They are meant to be temporary and when they persist longer than that, we have entered mood territory.

The best tool for rewiring the brain is meditation. The ability for my brain to recall a state of mindfulness and calm is extremely beneficial once I become triggered. It takes practice but it’s the best thing I have learned in self healing.

I expierienced many ah-ha moments reading this book. I made an important connection between my trauma and what is called “traumatic grief”. My brain displaced and delayed the grieving process in order for my survival at the time of my trauma. Our brains are hard wired for survival. Any feeling you don’t allow yourself to process, will keep reappearing until it is healed. If you feel it, you can heal it! I believe the disconnection I carried for so long of not feeling worthy enough to heal, not trusting or believing in myself created enormous amounts of guilt and shame. Then I was stuck in a pattern of feel, hurt, push aside and suffer. Over and over again throughout the years.

My patterns for a long time were centered around blocking and resisting painful and uncomfortable feelings. As a result of the traumatic grief I have been carrying, I believe much of it in my subconscious, has led my brain to establish this chronic cycle of depression and anxiety. A quote in the book that resonates with me is, ” no one ever told me that grief is so much like fear”. Our cultural expectation is to possess rather than release. We are conditioned to hold on to something rather than letting it go.

The expierience of traumatic grief is created when we don’t allow or aren’t allowed the necessary grieving process. My sexual abuse has a child was something so painful, uncomfortable, confusing and scary that I simply didn’t allow myself to feel it. It created this inside motor of fear that literally drove me. For so long I have thought my spirit animal is a rabbit. Always hypervigilant and nervous.

I’m reexamining the relationships within myself. That is the area I must attend to because it’s the foundation for everything. My ego, attachments, feelings of chronic abandonment and displaced emotions have created a disproportionate reaction in other situations. All of this has played a role in developing a constant trauma response to life. For example, keeping myself busy and always moving soothed my anxiety but further delayed my grieving process and once the memories came rushing back, I was thrown sideways.

This book explained the biochemical roots of my brain’s reactions to stress. Most of this is the perfect storm combination of genetics and triggers. It’s more validation that I’m not crazy. I’m giving myself permission to honor my grief and by accepting it I’m showing myself grace. I will have to develop a new spirit animal now!

Self compassion is something I never really thought about until recently. It’s the opposite of self esteem. Focusing on my insides rather than my outside successes and failures. It means forgiving myself. That which I wasn’t aware of, I didn’t have the opportunity to heal. Now that I’m so much more conscious of it, it helps me make sense of what happened in my past, how the fight/flight/freeze patterns developed in my brain.

My relationship with radically accepting not only myself at this moment but what has happened in my past to bring me to this point is now my main focus. I’m using this time wisely so that I can fully heal and let go. My trauma recovery timeline has been disrupted many times over the years. I will not do myself the disservice of over analyzing why but I now see that much of what happened to me was not given the proper amount of time and focus to heal. Researchers have found that ninety days is the basic timeline for reestablishing equilibrium after a trauma. Each trauma is unique to that individual. There is no cookie cutter, one size fits all for healing mental and emotional trauma.

Another variable that I must recognize is my experience as an empath. We sensitives are the people that notice early on what is dark, broken and hidden in our society. For much of my journey I was an unrealized empath, meaning that I immediately took on the discomfort around me like it was my responsibility to feel all the dark brokenness around me. My vibration was lowered to match my environment. I didn’t acknowledge this or know how to talk about it. Now I’m shifting to allowing for a higher vibration by first aligning myself so that I may raise the vibration and offer solutions. Seeing the situation from my inner being. Pretty deep stuff.

This is hard work. I follow a couple of awesome profiles on Instagram that help by providing me daily reminders. Positive affirmations and guidance so that I can do the work. I’m challenging myself to allow and make room for change. It’s all part of the ever changing process of healing and growth. Becoming more aware and adjusting as is necessary. Following my inner guides so that my spirit can shine through unfiltered.

The definition of radical acceptance is this, Radical acceptancemeans completely and totally accepting something from the depths of your soul, with your heart and mind. I’m determined to keep moving forward by intensifying my ongoing relationship with acceptance which will allow myself continued healing. Namaste y’allπŸ§˜β€β™€οΈ

Mental health

Reclaiming my authentic self

Understanding who I am and making sense of the world around me has always been something I have focused on. From an early age, especially because of my intuitive gifts, I have been on a quest for “why”. I’ve had major breakthroughs and then some serious setbacks. What I’m understanding now is that life has a purposeful way of unfolding so that we can uncover our own truths.

I have regained focus on my journey to self discovery and made a renewed commitment to my own spirituality. Keeping my energy clear from toxic people and their emotional turmoil is a boundary I will not have crossed. It has become crucially vital that I must continue to cleanse, ground and balance myself in order to not only heal myself but to be present for those around me that I love and cherish.

On a larger scale, my goal and purpose in life is to help heal others by sharing my experiences. I must continue to heal my inner child, reframe my thoughts and challenge conditioned beliefs that no longer serve me in order to find meaning in my life.

Life has an uncanny way of unfolding just as it’s meant to be. I do the work, put in the blood, sweat and tears. Sometimes metaphorically and at times physically. I allow myself to feel the emotions I tried to cut off because they were unacceptable. Showing up for me and rescuing myself from drowning on a daily sometimes hourly basis from the emotional world I live in energetically can be daunting. It’s painful, not sexy and down right annoying at times. It’s also absolutely worth it.

Once again in my life I am reinforcing the desire of choosing me and I have no guilt about that choice. As an empath, I can easily get lost in other people’s stories and emotional lives while fighting the urge to “fix” and rescue those around me from themselves. As a woman and mother in our Western society, I believe we are falsely conditioned to deny ourselves our inner desires. We are taught to be people pleasers, to play nice and that leads to putting others needs before our own. Fear of being judged and cast off as “that girl” or being called a “bitch” because I said no to someone’s demands played an unhealthy role in my life.

Today I say, no more. I have drawn my invisible line in the sand. I have rediscovered inner peace and I’m not willing to let it go again for anybody or anything. My two greatest challenges in life are boundaries and balance. Recently so much has “clicked” and I finally can see that my emotional boundaries with others are vital to my sanity and survival. Maintaining them is crucially important to my wellbeing and are a non negotiable part of whom I choose to be in my life these days.

A supreme awareness and understanding of how as children we are all conditioned and taught to give up our authentic selves to appease others, fit into other’s perceptions of how things should be and conform is now so abundantly clear to me. Few humans become self actualized. Therefore we continue wounded cycles into adulthood because certain necessary needs were not met.

I’ve written before about my love for Maya Angelou’s quote, “do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. It has always spoken to me because it allows for self acceptance, growth and the belief that change is possible. Now that I am consciously aware I can change. I have all the power. It is a choice that is within me. I’m continuing to awaken, become enlightened and evolve. I have reclaimed my power.

It takes practice and humility. Denying my ego to completely take over so that self may emerge unfiltered. I was emotionally stunted because I allowed my conditioning and the confusion of feeling other’s emotions so intensely that it derailed me and my ability to be successful in other areas of life. I became paralyzed by over analysis of myself. I can honestly say that I am proud of myself that I can recognize my progress. As with everything it is a work in process as I choose how much or how little to show up for myself by making myself a priority.

My fellow INFJ’s and empaths understand what I’m saying here I’m sure of it. I’ve not chosen a major career and financial security has always eluded me up to this point. Those two things used to make me feel less than because I was comparing myself to others. That tactic has proven self defeating because what I have chosen to chase down in this life is a deeper understanding of me and who I really am.

It’s the path less traveled by most. The majority of us go through life with blinders on, half dead to who we really are on the inside and just going through the motions. I tried that throughout my 20s and even into my early 30s. Now I’m 41 and I’m finally seeing clearly for the first time. My behaviors and maladaptive coping mechanisms no longer make sense. I want to live my life more inline with my spirit. Shedding the past and embracing the now.

It’s taken a village! Over the years establishing a support system, putting some tools into daily practice and discovering what works and what doesn’t for me. Taking time for me and making myself a priority sounds simple but I did anything I could to not focus on me. Me was too fucked up and uncomfortable. I used to sometimes say that it felt like my brain was at war with itself. It left me in a cycle of pain dissociated from myself and the world around me ultimately feeling so lost.

Lately I feel so alive, renewed, refreshed and reborn. I have read about my astrological trajectory often through the years and it always stated I would be a late bloomer and come into my own later in life. Boy is that ever the damn truth. I have regained trust in myself, belief in myself and most importantly I have maintained my hope and faith. Now I am free to set my intentions and manifest my own dreams into becoming a reality and that not only feels possible but truly amazingπŸ™

Mental health

Emotional breakdown to spiritual awakening

Since my last post two weeks ago, I have been in the thick of what was first believed to be an emotional breakdown. Now I’m coming to understand that I’ve been experiencing a spiritual shift, an awakening and a rebirth of my spirit. The reiki sessions I had coupled with some introspective meditation has led me to this place of knowing that what has taken place has elevated me to a higher understanding and evolvement.

As an extra sensory person, an intuitive, emotional and physical empath I vibrate on a higher frequency which lends me to experience all these beautiful gifts our creator has bestowed upon me. Sometimes it can feel overwhelming and more like a curse or burden but lately due to the emotional flashbacks from trauma, moon phases, eclipses and shifting planets my world felt extra heavy. That’s when my shadow self appeared.

Over the years on my spiritual journey into healing and understanding of myself, I have learned that we possess both light and shadow selves. One cannot exist without the other. We tend to praise our light beings and have a more positive attitude and relationship with that part of ourselves. Meanwhile our dark or shadow self is cast aside, unaccepted and deemed wrong. It’s not ok to be depressed or sad. We deny it, resist it and try to abolish it altogether.

Lately I’ve been delving into research in holistic psychology and reading about this dark side that we may consciously or unconsciously be aware of within all of our egos. I’ve come to see the beauty and necessity of both sides. Again, one cannot exist without the other.

I have spent two weeks in a thick heavy mud feeling stuck. A roller coaster of emotions from sadness to anger and rage. All these feelings I stuffed, deemed as unacceptable or wrong even “bad” have come bursting out of me. My psyche has been attempting to block these uncomfortable feelings tied to my traumatic events for so many years.

Now I have this awesome opportunity to fully heal BOTH sides of myself. I sat in the mud, I told myself it’s ok to not be ok. I stopped resisting my depression and moved through it. Three nights ago I actually had a spiritual awakening. It was so powerful and left me with this overall feeling of peace and calm.

This is the best way I can describe it. It felt like an outer body expierience. All sounds became muffled and I felt outside of myself just observing the moment. Then there was a shifting feeling, like something propelling me forward. I was walking through the fog into a bright light. I immediately felt lighter, and I could breathe again! I haven’t been able to take deep relaxing breaths lately but now I could breathe a sigh of relief, finally! This sensation lasted for maybe thirty seconds.

Now I can get to work on the next step of my healing process. Eradicating the block I’m having while accessing those uncomfortable feelings during EMDR sessions. My traumatic event and the feelings that are tied to it must be properly reprocessed. I’ve done the soul searching and introspective work by accepting it now I can’t allow it to harm my emotions in a destructive way any longer.

It’s a balancing act really. Acknowledging both sides of myself and accepting both of them as they are. Appreciating the role both play in my personality and how I interact within my relationships with others. I’m moving forward and I’m on my way to feeling whole again.

Mental health

Continuing to peel the onion

It’s taken me a little over two weeks to get back to my writing and posting here on my blog. If you read my previous post dear reader, you understand that I am in the process of healing some deeply rooted emotional trauma from the sexual abuse I suffered as a child. I have been experiencing emotional flashbacks from that time that are quite disturbing to my daily functioning. I have had some really dark days but I feel I am turning a corner. I can now see a light at the end of this tunnel of feelings I tucked so neatly and carefully away man years ago.

I’ve returned to what works best for me which is a combination of psychotherapy and EMDR. I even had an energy unblocking reiki session with a newly discovered master shamanic healer. All three methods of healing have served as a powerful tool in guiding me forward down the path of healing and helping me return to my most powerful self.

This was the third reiki session I have had over the span of almost twenty years. I was educated about energy chords and how empaths develop both positive and negative ones. These chords become tied to our seven chakras and can literally block the flow of energy in our bodies trapping and holding negativity in. I can’t express enough how powerful and freeing this session was for me. I was able to dig deep and release that energy which was no longer serving me and holding me back like a hostage of sorts. I cried, I tingled and shivered internally in a way only those whom have experienced the transformative power of reiki can understand. I highly recommend utilizing this ancient practice for anyone that is interested in peeling their own emotional onion!

I’m so grateful that my job has not only approved a medical leave for me during this crucial time of healing, but they also set me up with a wonderful psychologist with over thirty years of expierience. I have been engaged in some sort of therapy since I was seven years old. I liken the process now to a blind date. I meet with a total stranger and tell them the most intimate details of my life. Again I am thankful that my new therapist and I clicked and were able to quickly develop a connection. He and I mostly discuss my personality type of being an INFJ and how it has affected my relationships and behaviors throughout my life. We keep on the surface really because the details and more of a deep dive into the emotional trauma is for my EMDR sessions.

My latest EMDR session was rough. At first I was able to visually transport myself back in time to the trauma and recover those feelings of intense fear and shame. Suddenly though, I became unable to allow myself to become vulnerable and I started actively blocking myself from feeling and reprocessing the memory of being sexually abused. It’s so frustrating and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed in myself at first still sitting there in her office. Afterwards, I opened my eyes and admitted to visualizing my adult self rescuing my inner child hurting self which is couterproductive to what needs to happen.

I need to gather all the courage I can to face these feelings without fear of disassociating. I am only holding myself back and therefore stunting my own healing. Fear is a real motherfucker for me. It has been the driving emotion that is so deeply rooted in my life experiences. Like a fire burning inside of me threatening to swallow me whole.

I’m grateful to have another intensive week of therapy ahead of me to continue to dive deeper, peeling more layers of and letting go of this trauma I have been carrying for over thirtysomething years.

A dear girlfriend of mine asked me to step outside of my own pain to write a poem for our Women Vetrans here in Texas on June 12. It was like a shot in the arm, giving me the boost I needed by practicing gratitude. It’s hard to feel upset when we are thanking others for their fearless efforts defending and protecting our country. I am honored to have taken part in this event and look forward to many more like it in the future.

On this Sunday night, I think it is important for me to reflect upon my progress and set an intention for my near future. I am walking through the pain and accepting the feelings I thought would kill me to survive. I’m not running away or stuffing them. I am looking at them straight on and I know just like my fellow female warriors, I am not invisible. I will keep going. I will survive❀

Check out Spiritual Metamorphosis’s page at https://www.spiritmetamorphosis.com/
Lindsey Luna is an amazing woman and healer!!

Mental health

Little Ms. Perfect

What is perfect? There are two separate definitions. Using it as an adjective means this, “having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics; as good as it is possible to be“. When used as a verb, perfect means “make (something) completely free from faults or defects, or as close to such a condition as possible”. Either way it’s used I have suffered from perfectionism my entire life. In psychology, perfectionism is described as a personality trait characterized by a person’s striving for flawlessness and setting high performance standards, accompanied by critical self-evaluations and concerns regarding others’ evaluations.

My Mom has told me that when I was younger she used to find me obsessively organizing my room. I loved to neatly arrange my books, toys and knick knacks. Cleaning and straightening a room, tidying up things brings me a peacefulness and calm that’s hard to match by other activities. It’s also something that has made me feel strange and weird.

There was a period in my life when I literally couldn’t sit still or overlook a piece of lint on the carpet without having to immediately stop whatever I was doing to pick it up. After the birth of my first son, I found myself in a perpetual state of motion, always wiping a countertop or vacuuming a room that was already spic and span to everybody else’s eyes. I got caught up in routines that kept my in a “loop” for hours. So many routines and rituals had to be achieved compulsively and repetitively. Some days I got so stuck I didn’t even leave my house. Looking back those were dark days.

I’m a shift supervisor at a Starbucks and at 41 this is the first time I accepted a management position. In the past, I had been offered/recommended this role but I always turned it down due to my overwhelming fear of failure. Truth be told my perfectionist ways have plagued me throughout my life. Recently at work my manager challenged me to stop working like a superwoman. She asked me to examine my leadership skills by holding others on my team accountable for certain tasks. At first it felt awkward delegating the things I have been doing alone without help. Lately however I can feel an important shift taking place.

A favorite quote of mine by Maya Angelou is,”Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better. Boy does this sentiment ring true in this regard!

I’ve always been an analytical thinker, wondering why things are the way they are and trying desperately to make sense of the world around me. I had this book as a kid called, “The book of why” and I loved it. I’ve especially been intrigued by my own emotions and the emotions of others. That intense curiosity has sometimes kept me up at night.

A former therapist once told me to disengage myself from the outcome of a certain problem I was having a difficult time finding a reasonable solution for. My perfectionist ways and drive to control a situation can leave me breathlessly spinning my wheels. Despite my efforts I end up feeling exhausted mentally with no end in sight.

When I start to feel my old ways creeping back into my daily choices, I try and recall his words. Letting go of the outcome and maintaining an open mind sounds logical enough but my heart stands stubbornly doubtful.

Establishing a connection within myself has been key to easing off my perfectionist attitude. Grounding myself really quiets my mind and eases my fears. Whether these fears are real or hypercritically blown out of proportion, I can often find myself overwhelmed and grasping for my idea of perfection. I’ve learned I’m only hurting myself when I put this kind of pressure on myself.

For there is no such thing as perfect my dear reader but perfect imperfections throughout life. Try shifting your perspective taking a closer look at yourself. Deepening your own connection within your soul. Becoming your own best friend, saving yourself from yourself. Like Shakespeare said, “to thine own self be true”.

Spirituality

For love of water

I was born on the East coast and have lived all my life near water. When I was younger it took an hour or so to drive down the New Jersey shore, depending on traffic. Then in my early 20s I met and got married to a man from Rhode Island. I lived in a few different cities there but my favorite house was a cottage I rented right on a private beach. In all of my adult life I have only felt at home in that cottage, it was my safe and happy space. One entire side of that cottage was windows looking out over Narragansett Bay. The smell of salt water and the sound of seagulls greeted me at my door every day. It was peaceful, serene and beautiful. I’m reminded of how much I cried the day I moved out. Thankfully I took pictures that I look at from time to time and reminisce.

I moved into that house with my family but moved out a divorced single mother. It was there that I found my independence and a renewed sense of self. In the 2 years I lived there, I discovered the confidence I needed to change my unhappy life. Everything about my life from move in to move out was drastically different. If those walls of that beach cottage could talk. Ultimately it’s those circumstances that helped propel me into more healing once I moved to Florida.

It’s been a little over six years since I moved away from the only real home I felt I had. Now I live in the land locked state of Texas. This area has a beauty all it’s own with some wonderful lakes and parks. Lately I have this longing for back home. The people, the food and most of all the ocean!!

I have caught myself feeling nostalgic and even melancholy about the place I call home. There is just something about sitting out on that sand, tasting the sea on your tongue and gazing at the waves. There are two places that give me the ultimate feeling of zen. One place is in the shower, the scent of clean body wash as the water cascades off my shoulders bringing me a sense of calm. The other is the beach.

I read an article recently that discussed one’s attraction and claim to a body of water calling it, my water. It’s that place where you feel most connected and alive gladly naming it as your own. I’m not sure if I have just one of “my water” spots yet more realistically I can claim a few. Nevertheless I feel them calling to me. I need a visit back home. I need to be refreshed and renewed by the ocean’s powerful force.

As an empath who is constantly being twirled around by other’s emotions and energies, the ocean is a place where my own energy can be restored. The ocean provides such a force, an immense energy that is so freeing for me.

I feel stuck in a rut lately. Not creative, bored and unamused. Two days ago I wrote this poem about my favorite thing to do in the ocean. Floating takes me outside and away from myself. It allows me to really clear my mind, release and let go. I feel amazing afterwards.

I set a goal for myself that this summer I must go for a visit back home, up North. To take in the ocean mind, body and spirit. I will leave all that weighs me down on its shore. I will be reborn.