Spirituality

Mid-life renaissance

This post is my truth. Raw, real and 100% genuinely me. At 42 years young, I have arrived at a place that is the opposite of a mid-life crisis that I am calling my mid-life renaissance!

I have been writing a lot in this last year of the spiritual awakenings (2 actually, one of Kundalini energy) I experienced in June of 2019 after finally coming to terms with the sexual abuse I encountered as a child. Since I admitted out loud that yes, I was molested at ages 5 and 6, absolutely nothing has been the same! I sought out healing on all levels….energetically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically. It’s been full steam ahead towards what feels the best for Maria. My soul is free, my heart is at peace with the amazing people I have met, the moments of pure bliss and joy I have felt but mostly I am eternally grateful to God for bringing through all of it so that I may finally say I am happy with who I am today.

This feeling is the opposite of a lot of clichés we hear in our society today. No more “fake it till you make it.” Forget having a bad case of “the fuck its.” Good bye and good riddance to all of it as I usher in a feeling of rebirth, renewal and rejuvenation! I can’t even put into words what it feels like to leave all expectations, judgements and opinions of not only my own making but especially those of anybody else around me! The only “fuck that” I feel is towards what anybody else thinks of me. This ephiany has taken ten long years to come to fruition and I know it’s never finished or ever over for this is just the beginning my dear readers…..and I say BRING IT ON LIFE!!!

It hasn’t been easy for the ones closest to me and for that I’m sorry. Spiritual awakenings don’t come with instruction booklets or how-to guides. I know I have been confused and bewildered by some of my own thoughts and behaviors at times. Like a butterfly during it’s metamorphosis, there has been loads of goo to wade through to be able to say, I have finally broken through the cocoon. Spreading my wings and flying bolding out of my shell has made some doubt their place in my world. Rest assured, I will not name names here because the ones I love know who they are.

I have no apologies and definitely no regrets. I view everything differently, as though through a newborn’s eyes. I now have what can best be described as a deep sense of knowing what is right for me and a carefree attitude in achieving it. As an intuitive empath, I am now empowered and realized. As my partner once commented, spirituality doesn’t take a day off. I remain 100% committed to my selfcare routines because I know how to maintain this feeling of self love by practicing what I need to for my wellbeing. I have decided that absolutely nothing can take it’s place.

In our society and culture, especially for women, what I am describing is seen as selfishness. I couldn’t disagree more! Nobody else is responsible for my happiness, no external material possession can even compare to this feeling of inner peace and self acceptance. Nothing.

I believe everything happens for a reason and unfolds in God’s Divine time and never before He decides we are ready. All I did was devote my life to Him, believe in Him and trust. Making my mind up to always keep a tight grip on hope while maintaining faith that no matter what was happening, I would be ok. Over the past ten years, I have stumbled, cried, screamed, clawed my way through every situation life can throw at a person. Divorce, losing contact with my boys, mental breakdowns, multiple hospitalizations, joblessness, homelessness, bankruptcy on all levels physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. I literally had to have it all stripped away from me. The pain I endured was deep enough for me to finally want to change it all. It was only then that I became open enough to face what I call the pit of my issues which was the sexual trauma I dissociated from and buried for the past thirty-five years.

Slowly and surely I began to open up more and more. Little by slowly, time taking time as it does, my life took on a new feel. Moody moments brimming with self harming behavior gave way to the moments where I sit in meditation crying tears of joy for the immense love I feel towards God, my spirit guides, angels, saints, and never the least my dear Nana who has been my closest confidant. I have felt her with me since she passed over March 17, 2006. She visits me in my dreams, sends me messages, shares her bliss as a spirit through the visions I experience. Whenever I ask her for a sign, she delivers one. When I’m feeling lonely, I can feel her hugging me.

I have written before about feeling like a late bloomer all of my life. I believe that this new direction I am heading in is no different. I don’t regret a single day of heartache, traumatizing experience or even emotional breakdown. All of it has led me here. Releasing myself from that which I feared has helped bring me here. Every tear has helped create this smile I wear proudly on my face everyday. Every doubt I put upon myself has allowed me now to think, why not? I’m gonna do it!! If I can think it, feel it, believe it then it will be!

Patiently awaiting for my intentions to manifest is where I find myself today. Moving through life at my own desired pace. If it doesn’t feel right, I don’t do it. I am through with betraying myself to please anyone else. Change occurs when the pain of existing in the same patterns becomes too great to carry on. Being sick and tired of being sick and tired!

There is no magic formula. There are no short cuts. There is definitely no right way to achieve the place I find myself in now. Every morning I say please God and every night I say thank you for everything in my life. Sprinkled in throughout each day are the moments of silence and deep gratitude for making it this far.

For the first time in a long time, I’m excited about where life is taking me as I begin a new career path to become a shamanic healer. A few days ago, I laid out all of my tools and blessed them by burning sage while setting my intentions aloud. I remain hopeful and optimistic about tomorrow. I relish each moment for I know that is all that is real. I love you all. Amen🙌

Spirituality

Settling in

Ah, my dear readers my heart is at peace. Moving back here to Florida allows my spirit such freedom. The energy here is 100% delightful. Being a fiery super Sagittarius, I need to live by the water. Living at my parent’s house temporarily affords me the luxury of living on the lake where there is always a calming breeze. It fills my lungs with the sweet smell of the different flowers in the garden. There are so many different birds that swim here in and hang out around the lake. I feel my senses are delighted at all times!

Right now I’m sitting on the patio that is enclosed to keep the bugs out. I have a front row seat to Mother Nature’s glorious landscape and her living creatures that are native to this part of Florida. I believe I was a bird in one of my past lives because I have always been so captivated by them and lately I can sit and watch them for hours. Building their nests, cleaning their feathers and swimming. I have always enjoyed watching animals in nature. I believe one can learn a lot about themselves from watching other living creatures in their habitat.

The best part about this transition for me is the slowed down pace. Since this global pandemic began, that has been something I view as a blessing. First and foremost, I am grateful for my own good health despite the many people who are sick and suffering. Yes, many places are shut down. Yes, I can’t go to the beach right now or to the movies. Those are two of my favorite things to do with my Mom when I’m in Florida. I choose to see what I can control and that is more internal work on myself. Next week I will begin an apprenticeship to become a Shamanic healer and energy practioner. I am so excited to be following my soul’s purpose and learning how to heal others on an energetic level. For many years I contemplated becoming a nurse yet our Western culture’s view of medicine doesn’t suit my beliefs at all.

This profession aligns much more with my values and desire to care for others in a spiritual way. I have been caring for and working with people all of my life in some capacity. As an intuitive empath and woman with extra sensory perceptions, I have always been extremely fascinated by the human condition and how to best be of service to others around me. When I began this blog and published my first book of poetry, my mission was to shed light upon living with mental health issues, emotional and physical trauma and how to survive it all while empowering and healing oneself. Today, I view life as a series of learning lessons. Everything serves a purpose and through meditation I have been able to shift my perspective in order to better understand the meaning of life.

I have written before about how many years I spent paralyzed by fear and living my life as a victim of the circumstances I found myself in. Since June of 2019, having experienced two spiritual awakenings, I see everything differently. I believe we are here to love one another. Everyday and in all situations I try to ask myself the following questions before making a decision:

“What would be the next loving action”

“What would serve me and the people in my life in the best ways?”

“How would I like to be treated?”

My dear ones, God created us in his image of pure unconditional love. Over the centuries, I believe humanity has found itself so far off course and has begun to turn away from our original purposes. We are all intricately interconnected. Meaning what happens to one of us affects all of us. After experiencing such darkness, anxiety and fear throughout so much of my life, all I want to do now is show my love and gratitude for God by loving each person I encounter. Releasing judgments and opinions and living life by the motto of “be the change you wish to see in the world.” I’m by no means perfect nor do I attempt to live my life any longer with unrealistic expectations of perfection. I do however want to enjoy and celebrate life after overcoming so much that didn’t serve me or held me back and away from the light and love of God.

Getting to live my life with my son by my side makes my heart sing! I find myself crying tears of gratitude and joy each morning and every night while I pray, thanking God for our long awaited reunion. Everything is provided and happens in His Divine time. All I have to do is trust that when the time is right, all I need will be provided for. My son deserves to be with a mother that can guide and teach him about life. I had to learn a lot about myself and get to a place where I was ready to do that. It has taken ten long years.

Yesterday was the first Mother’s Day we have spent together in eight years! Waking up to see his beautiful face, spend time with him and share a meal is the best gift this mother could ever ask for. I intend to enjoy each and every second with him because tomorrow isn’t guaranteed and life is precious!

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Please check out my two books of poetry, both available on Amazon!

Spirituality

Moving on

In my last post my dear readers, I disclosed how hard of a month April had been for me. I want to write a bit about why exactly I feel this way. After months of contemplation, an insightful deep dive into my soul and a lot of praying I have decided to move back to South Florida. Florida has been a second home to me after New Jersey. While I was born and raised in the Garden State, most of my family has resided in Florida specifically my dear Nana. It’s a bit of a bittersweet move because I’m doing it separately from my partner of seven years.

June 1 2020 my partner and I plan on being reunited and going snorkeling to celebrate our love. I’m blessed to have such an intimate connection with a man who always has my best interests at heart. He truly is the love of my life and I thank God for him every single day for teaching me not only about myself and the world around me but about love. Giving, sacrificing and receiving everything I need perhaps not what I always want to hear, but always what I need. That is love.

I’m thrilled to be taking this long car trip from Dallas to southern Florida with my son Ty. Finally after ten years of living apart we are going to live together! God has finally answered my prayers. We are currently about ten hours from our final destination and it’s been so magical getting to spend this time with him. I’m so proud of the mature, kind and responsible young man he has become. Getting to take this car trip with him has been a fun adventure. Ty looks out for his Mom and I feel our bonding on and over these past two months has brought us even closer which warms my heart exponentially.

This move is sort of a redemption for him because he attempted it first this past August. Then after only a month he decided to move back to Rhode Island. Nobody said being eighteen was easy. He missed his friends and his girlfriend too. This time around we are moving there together. The possibilities are endless, sky’s the limit!!

I can’t complain, Ty’s done most of the driving too! He’s such a careful and safe traveler. Especially doing this during a pandemic. He had to take two flights here and now this nineteen hour long car trip we’re on. Each step of the way, reminding me to wear my mask and wash my hands.

I won’t go into detail but the timing of this move was sped up due to the current situation I was dealing with at my last living arrangement. No, it’s definitely not ideal to move across state lines during a pandemic but rest assured my dear readers I had no choice in that part of it. Everything happens for a reason and despite the timing, moving without my partner and the pandemic….I haven’t felt this free in years!! It’s amazing how differently you can view a situation from the other side of it.

I’m mostly excited to get back to my beloved happy place, the beach!! I can hardly wait to float in the ocean and dig my feet into the sand. Ahhhhhh, paradise for me. I definitely consider myself a beach girl having been raised and living on the coast all of my life, close to a beach too. I spent thirteen years living in Rhode Island during my first marriage and I shared with you here my dear readers about the glorious beach house I resided in there. Whenever I need to bring myself to my happy place in my mind, I always envision a place that is a combination of a Rhode Island beach and a South Florida one. Visualization has been one of my go to tools for relaxation and reducing anxiety for a long time now.

In recognition of the many feelings and emotions that have bubbled up to the surface, I did what I do best. I wrote this poem on Monday, as I sat on a bench at a favorite park of mine that I love to run too. I usually take a break during my run by sitting at this particular spot where I can see the tall skyscrapers of downtown Dallas against the picturesque backdrop that is White Rock Lake. I enjoy watching the birds swim here too. I believe I was a bird in a past life. Lately, their behavior has touched my soul and resonated within me in a profound way.

White Rock Lake Running trail

I’m blessed and fortunate to have made some great friends, learned a lot about myself and resurrected my love for running while living in Dallas these past three years. I don’t like good byes so instead I say see y’all later😉

Free as a bird
Spirituality

Breath is life

I am so happy to say good bye to April and welcome in May😊 Last month was one of the hardest of my entire life. More details to come on that subject in future posts but for this post I would like to express my new found love for breathwork. You may be thinking my dear readers, what is breathwork? Here’s Google’s definition: Breathwork defines various breathing practices in which the conscious control of breathing is said to influence a person’s mental, emotional or physical state, with a claimed therapeutic effect. Last evening I participated in my second such course offered and facilitated by my dear friend Christina Tucciarone aka @comealivewithchrissymarie on Instagram.

Chrissy has an amazingly powerful presence as both a leader and a teacher. She and I have worked together a few times and I feel so blessed to call her my friend. I sincerely appreciate her devotion to what she teaches coupled with her insightful guidance during each session. Last night I really appreciated her steady reminders to push through the resistance that can be felt once the body is fully oxygenated. There were three rounds of active breathing for 7 minutes and then a minute each of holding the breath and releasing it at the bottom. During the first round I immediately felt pulled to the wounds from my inner child and an intense sense of fear and sadness. My entire body went completely numb. I knew instinctively that my body was attempting to dissociate. This coping mechanism is something I developed at a young age during the sexual abuse I endured. It served as a survival technique then and I must admit for most of my life over the past 35 years.

In the past year, since acknowledging and healing from this dark secret I have experienced a spiritual awakening that has transformed my life in such a way I view it has the Maria I was before June of 2019 and the Maria I am now. Going in and out of dissociative episodes when I found myself involved in intense emotional situations has been both a subconscious and conscious way for me to escape from reality. Over the years I had become very keenly aware of what was triggering me yet at the height of those experiences I was dumbfounded as to how to stop them from occurring. It felt humiliating afterwards when I would “wake up” and realize how much time I had lost. During the recent Divine Intervention session I had, Mr. Adifon confirmed that I regularly lose hours and still days of myself. Maria feeling Maria 100% of the time is very new still. Last night was a reminder of how going to that detached place no longer serves me.

I began to explore what little Maria was telling me. I listened and began a running dialogue in my mind with her, soothing her fears and reestablishing trust by vowing to not abandon her again. The human brain fascinates me. How such an intense level of fear and panic can create a whole new space for our psyche’s to travel to if just for a visit! My mind created this safe space, like a holding pattern for little Maria to still exist in yet not feel what was happening. Violation of a child is so seriously shameful.

However damaging that experience has been to my life I don’t regret it. I have learned so much about myself and the world around me from every single experience, everyday and in each moment over the past 42 years. Putting all judgements aside, good, bad, ugly and beautiful what I have learned is how vital all of it is to living a full life.

Here are some of the main things I have learned about myself over this past year……but most assuredly had them solidified last month. These were the messages I told little Maria I was proud of her for. Experiencing the pain of long held fear is absolutely terrifying when first felt yet in moment last night I knew I had to take control of my healing and be my own hero.

You are not afraid of change, you welcome it with an open mind and heart.

You have an intense love and trust for others, humanity fascinates you and you never meet a stranger.

Keep wearing your heart on your sleeve and remain proud of your free spiritedness.

You allow your big heart to lead in and through life’s ups and downs. Don’t ever change that Maria.

Empathy and intuition are your superpowers.

You my dear little Maria are extremely resilent.

Keep the people you love whether family or friends close to your heart creating friends for life!

It was an awesomely amazing hour. I cried a lot with becoming so flushed with emotion, sweat and gratitude seeped out of every pore in my body as we finished and wrapped up the session. I quickly composed myself and tucked myself under my trusty weighted blanket. Then I grabbed my journal to document the experience. I then took a separate sheet of paper out and wrote down the things I knew were time to release and let go of. My convictions growing deeper with every step towards the backyard, I read my own words aloud then lit the paper on fire. I closed the ritual with a personal prayer.

I wrote the poem below on Friday, before the breathwork course last evening. I’m so grateful for understanding and accessing my intuition and continuing to heal my inner child wounds. Life never ceases to surprise and amaze me. As always, with an open mind and heart I humbly bow my head and give thanks to God🙏

Intuition