There are many periods of my life in which I felt alone, utterly alone. The impact trauma and abuse has on an individual creates the prefect environment for isolation to take over. There are many reasons for one to withdraw and for me it was mostly fear. I was afraid for those around me to know what was happening and then judge me. Always feeling that I was to blame for my situation. My thinking has been skewed in regards to this most of my life. One of my core beliefs has always been that I’m not good enough and everything is my fault. It’s a terrible burden to carry yet I willingly did so for thirty-five years.
I grew up without a lot of guidance from either if my parents. I never got the heart to heart chats about life, how to be successful, encouragement of my dreams or how to navigate rejection. My mother and my father were both unfortunately ill equipped emotionally to be parents and therefore I have had to figure a lot out as an adult. They provided for us financially, my siblings and I never wanted for anything. When it came to “the meat” of parenting however, the tough stuff, we were left to our own devices. I spent so much of my upbringing in fear, creating a facade so nobody would suspect the pain I was in. I don’t think I even acknowledged it myself until my first mental breakdown seven years ago.
Since that experience, I have had many epiphanies about my life. I have learned to forgive, not forget what has happened to me because without it I wouldn’t be who I am today. Growing up neglected emotionally, being emotionally and psychologically abused, taking on adult responsibility at a young age made me the kind and understanding woman I am today. It’s easy for me to spot those that need a little extra TLC. It’s truly gratifying for me to listen to someone, relate to them and make them feel better about themselves. One of my ambitions in life is to be there for others compassionately because I know what it feels like to be alone and misunderstood.
I just read an article on how hate crimes have dramatically risen this past year. Too many in our society feel isolated and misunderstood. These feelings produce anger, which is a secondary emotion. The root cause of hate is fear. The vast unknown outcomes in life, the projections onto others about what we don’t like within ourselves combine to produce overwhelming fear of the other. That fear then turns into hate. Our world is crying out for tolerance towards so much we fear as a society. There are so many movements and support groups that we look for to have our voices heard. I feel technology is the newest producer of isolation. Too many of us can live in a safe bubble that separates us from what we don’t like and understand. That division is having an overwhelmingly negative impact on how we see each other. Judging others from the outside instead of what’s on the inside which is our common human connection. Humanity is under attack and hate is rising.
The recent mid term election cycle had me focusing on what keeps us so divided in this country. I thought about the rise of hate, the need for understanding and what could bring us to a more peaceful place in our communities. The ability to be vulnerable and share our emotions with one another is a good place to start the healing. Placing judgement aside and truly listening to each other. Only then can we come together in love and begin to comprehend our neighbor on a more human level. Abolishing the hate and darkness allowing for more acceptance and light.
Emotional Musings 