Anxiety, Depression, Mental health, Spirituality

Touched

I have always believed in something greater than myself, a higher more powerful force. I choose to call it God. I was raised in a strict Catholic home. I attended Catholic elementary school for grades first and second. My family was always at our church. I’m the only one of my six siblings that didn’t go through confirmation. My parents allowed me to investigate and study different religions once I became a teenager. I no longer was required to attend Catholic mass. Since that time, I’d estimate twenty-five years or so, I have been reading about religion and spirituality. I have attended different kinds of ceremonies in my search for what feels closest to my own truths for what symbolizes my God. I have determined it is more nature based and universal. I haven’t determined whether this force is male or female. I do however believe that this force is our creator. God indeed for each of his creations to love one another yet there will always be light and darkness within each of us. That’s the natural balance of everything, one can’t exist without the other. We also have free will and with that comes choices. I always tell my boys that they may not like everyone or everything they encounter in life but they must learn to show and practice love. I believe love is our original purpose. We can make different choices along our path to move closer to light and love or darkness and hate. This poem was inspired by those concepts.

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Anxiety, Depression, Domestic violence, Mental health, Uncategorized

Aftershocks

I have been through so many ups and downs on my life’s journey. Maintaining my patience has yielded me progress. I’m nothing if not a survivor. I’ve morphed into an emotional warrior. I have battle scars across my heart. My children have told me, Mom…you are so unlucky. I tell them nah, God just trusts me a heck of a lot. He knows I will be able to figure out whatever comes my way. I’m unbreakable, like Tephlon strong. Processing all that has transpired these last seven years inspired me to write this.

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The beginning

Welcome! I have contemplated starting a blog like this for years. My own insecurities and obsessions with perfection have held me back…….up until now! I am throwing all caution to the wind by just doing it! Right now in my life I feel I have nothing to lose.

I am a woman living with C-PTSD or Complex PTSD. I am not a military veteran however I consider myself a warrior in life. My entire life, more specifically my formative years, were incredibly traumatizing. My family of origin was emotionally abusive. I always felt I didn’t exist, the forgotten child, blending in with the walls of our house. I am the middle child of six, ours is a blended family since my parents were both previously married and came with two children each upon entering into their marriage together. I understand and accept that both my parents did the best they could, it was the 1970s and I believe they didn’t fully understand the emotional repercussions they inflicted upon their children.

I always felt I had to pick a side between who’s team I was on, Mom’s or Dad’s. My mother is a Borderline personality and her behavior was always chaotic at best. My father was a workaholic who owned a car dealership. We were upper middle class and I never wanted for anything. Sounds great right? Not exactly. My father wasn’t home much and when he was he was emotionally absent, very controlling and strict. My mother has the EQ of a 4 year old and couldn’t regulate her own emotions let alone guide those of her children. My younger sister and I were left to our own devices, raised by wolves as one of my therapists has described it. I was never allowed to show anger or sadness. I was to always be happy and in a good mood for fear of not being accepted or loved. Love was dolled out with conditions. I was shamed into believing that only happiness was allowed to be expressed. Every other emotion was stuffed, stifled and forced away. This was done by verbal abuse and sometimes mild physical abuse. I can admit now I would of rathered it of been all the latter because those wounds heal. The emotional scars from my childhood are still prominent today. My fear of abandonment and acceptance hinder my relationships with others but mostly with myself. I have had over 30 years of therapy both inpatient hospitalizations and outpatient courses of behavioral modification.

The best outpatient course I completed was in DBT or dialectical behavioral therapy. I nicknamed it emotional college. The principles I learned to integrate into my life have been life altering in such a positive way.

The most difficult of these is the idea of Radical Acceptance. It is a daily task for me to accept not only myself but what occurs around me. When I can get to that place, I have peace. I understand that things are not perfect, I don’t have to agree with everything but things are as they are. It is what it is. I can let go. Ican accept the moment for what it is but most essentially I can accept myself.

I look forward to exploring more of my emotional processes here in my blog. I believe I have an unique voice because I am insightful. I am also an intuitive empath which comes with it’s own set of challenges and gifts.

Let this writing adventure and self introspective begin!

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The Journey Begins

Welcome to my innermost thoughts. I have been writing my entire life to help me process what goes on around me. I use my emotions as a paint brush of sorts in my poems. I have lived a lot of life in my years on this planet this far and I feel I have a unique female voice. I hope to encourage, inspire but most importantly spread love to all I encounter. Enjoy!

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Anxiety, Depression, Mental health, Uncategorized

Missing

I struggle with C-PTSD and one of my  symptoms is dissociative episodes. For those who don’t what that is it’s like watching yourself from outside of yourself, like a movie. I can’t speak or move while stuck in one. I can only see, hear and smell yet I can’t participate in what is going on around me. Thankfully, I haven’t experienced one in over three years. When I was in the height of healing from my traumas they were extremely severe . I once got out of a moving car on the freeway and started walking aimlessly into traffic.

When I first started having panic attacks, almost fourteen years ago, they were accompanied by terrifying visions. My mind would play out the traumas from my childhood like they were happening in the present. I would hyperventilate, sweat and cry. I believe it was my minds way of trying to reprocess what I couldn’t as a child and teenager. In hindsight, those situations would leave me stuck like a deer in the headlights. At that time I was stuffing all of my emotions and not reacting out of terror. I would feel so numb both during and after these events that traumatized me. I’ve always known that I am an extra highly sensitive individual. Later when I was 35 years old, with the assistance and guidance of my therapist, we discovered a name for it. I’m an intuitive empath. At the time when most of my development was taking place and because I was exposed to constant ongoing emotional trauma, my mind simply couldn’t process it all.

All of these concepts and emotions inspired this poem. This is my interpretation of what being in a dissociative episode that feels like.

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Anxiety, Depression, Mental health, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Words

There is so much to say yet I get stuck on what to say
The time goes by so fast and I ‘m left here
Alone
Without the ones that made me feel special. Gave me purpose, knew me the best and saw me at my worst.
Blanketed by guilt I hide.
Shut away, trying to abide.
The pain, the memories.
So much promising talent squandered.
Let down, let down, down.
It’s a long way down.
Drifting and falling
Need to be released and revived
A jolt, a kick start
Back to reality.
What can start the fire burning in me again
Just a spark can start the flame
Reignite the dream
Move me along down the path
I’ve taken off the mask
But I still can’t believe it’s me that’s afraid to see
The shame of the past, the feelings they last
And the memories are cemented
Dragging me back
Over and over again
Till my end.

When I went through my separation and divorce from my ex-husband I remember constantly feeling an immense sense of guilt and shame. I took on everything and only blamed myself, it was all my fault. My fault for having mental illness. My fault for not being able to mother my two boys like I had for the previous twelve years. My fault for our financial ruin. My fault for losing our house to foreclosure.

In hindsight of course and since processing all of that grief, I know now that I was taking on too much of the responsibility. I was thinking and behaving irrationally. I have been conditioned my entire life to take on everybody I care for’s emotions. Therefore, I was always accountable and responsible for everybody. I believe most of that is due to two factors that were influencing me greatly. One was that my mother has Narcissistic BPD. She is incapable of regulating her emotions, unable to have positive interpersonal relationships and my daily life was chaotic. I’m also someone with ESP (extrasensory perception) manifesting in me being an intuitive empath.

I wrote”Words” as a reflection of that time in my life. It also serves as a permanent reminder for me that I don’t have to feel that way anymore. It’s not healthy more me emotionally and I have had to put some emotional boundaries in place. Writing is my form of self care. It’s how I process all the difficult emotions and the traumatic events that have gone on in my life. It’s how I am healing and will continue to.

Anxiety, Depression, Mental health, Spirituality, Uncategorized

Panic

Walking slowly pictures blurring
Emotions flowing, my insides are glowing
My heart grasps hold now my words are slurring
Easy girl just close your eyes
Breathe in deep you’re about to weep
All is good, this is your prize
A new one is coming and it’s not cheap
Rich with colors bright and bold
You can let go, don’t have to hold
It lets go of it’s grasp
Settle down my friend, you made it at last
Stop fighting your mind there are no more
Tasks
Walk free from it now you are on the right path
Next time you will know better
And not be so scared
You got this and that’s good
Until the next lapse.

This poem is inspired by what it feels like at the height of a panic attack. The total sensory overload and short circuitry going on in my brain. My writing is helping me process these attacks. It feels like my mind is ultimately at war with itself. My mind and body become disconnected and total fear takes hold.

The line about there being a prize is meant to explain the relief afterwards. Once my mind and body can reconnect and calm down I feel rewarded. I understand that because of my conditions, this is how my psyche processes it all. I’ve been on a journey of introspection and self discovery. This is a path I intend to stay on so that I may continue to evolve and grow mentally, emotionally, physically and spiritually.