Spirituality

Thoughts on happiness

My dear reader’s I have been having noticing a reoccurring confirmation from friends, mentors along with the messages I receive from the Universe regarding how to obtain lasting happiness. It boils down to this….. it’s definitely an inside job! Nothing external, meaning outside oneself, can make you happy and keep you that way. Boy oh boy has this been a tough lesson to learn for me. There are so many mixed messages out there especially when you are bombarded with advertising promising you that this product or that program will give you all you ever dreamed of along with happiness. It takes going beneath the surface of everything in our society to get the real answer on this one my dears🤔

I firmly believe that a connection to both a higher power, whatever you choose to call that, I chose to call it God and a deep connection with yourself is needed for inner peace and happiness. I myself disconnected from myself many years ago due to trauma and the increasing fear it inflicted upon my life. Over the years, I abandoned belief, trust and love of myself. When I was sexually molested as a child, I internalized that pain and blamed myself. I never told anybody about it so that wound just grew and grew😪

The beliefs I had then were screaming at me everytime something challenging came up like, “you’re not good enough, you don’t deserve that” and “you’re a failure so stop trying.” Either of these beliefs can be destructive to one’s self esteem but both of them wrecked havoc and destroyed my aspirations and dreams. Not to mention the times in my life when I have succumbed to a case of the “fuck its” and chose to be completely self destructive going scorched Earth with my life by quitting everything and everybody with no explanations and running away. I’ve done that too many times during my 42 years that I care to recall here🙄

I tell you dear readers all of this to be able to exclaim that those darker days are officially over! I have faced the pit of my issues, healing from sexual abuse over these past 10 months. I have been able to establish my management position at an amazing boutique downtown. I am about to self publish my second book of poetry. I have gone back into the dance studio and am loving class again. I have attended 2 poetry slams so far this year. I have an interview article coming out soon highlighting my writing career here in Dallas. These are my external accomplishments and achievements but what means more to me on an intimately personal and much deeper level is the acceptance of myself and living authentically every damn day with no apologies. I now know true inner peace😊

My perspective

It’s a major shift of perspective for me to realize that only I can advance or derail my success in life. The main ingredient for this depends on your level of self love. Since June, I have been treating myself a whole heck of a lot better. I’m my own best friend and caregiver. It will still be a work in progress but the internal dialogue with myself, the many parts of me that clammer for attention like my inner child which is still wounded at times, my ego (thinking mind), my instinctive personality (INFJ) and then my intuition which is my highest self’s voice and my soul has reached a point where I can recognize each of these bits of Maria so that I can make decisions based upon my best interests. This is a humungous difference from the previous years of my adulthood! I can honestly say the more I pause to decide how to respond to life’s ebbs and flows, the more I can differentiate between the many facets of me!

For the past two days, I have had the pleasure of being off work and enjoying some much needed free time. I have been listening to 963 Hz tone frequency on the SoundHeal app during my meditation time. At this frequency I’m stimulating and balancing the Sahasrara, thousand petaled or crown chakra. This is generally considered the 7th primary chakra which is the energy center for understanding according to most tantric yoga traditions. It can be used to attain a state of Nivana-oneness. This frequency returns the system to its original state. It is said that when a yogi is able to raise his or her kundalini, the energy of consciousness, to this chakra the state of Nirvikalpa Samodhi is experienced. Ah….yessssss🧘‍♀️

Well all I can tell you is due to my sensitivity I have been experiencing some amazing benefits from using this frequency. Today, I felt filled with energy. So much so that I went for a long run/walk that amounted to my own personal marathon! I used my MapRun app to track my time/distance/pace and honestly, I didn’t turn it on from the beginning so add another 3 miles to this total…..I completed 27 1/2 miles today 🏃‍♀️

Maria’s marathon 🏃‍♀️

Along the way I was singing out loud to my favorite female 90s pop icons like Madonna and Janet Jackson. I even took a detour to the swings and satisfied little Maria’s love for swinging! It was a welcome break from the path and I must admit felt so fantastic🥰 I just love the exhilarating feeling I get from pumping my legs in order to get as high as I can reach on a swing! This particular swing set is located around mile 8 or so on the running trail that circles White Rock Lake. I observed some very picturesque moments that I captured like these birds sitting in the trees over the lake.

I just adore the feeling I get being out in nature by myself. I feel so alive and whole as is evident in this selfie I took 😎

Hey y’all 🤗

I saw this sentiment near the elevators on a floor of the hotel I work inside a few days ago and quickly snapped a picture of it as inspiration for this post. I agree with Ms. Turner 100%

Lastly, this one sums it up quite honestly and definitely reflects where I am today on my journey. Love, light & peace ❤🌠✌

Where I’m at😉

Spirituality

Feeling myself

Celebrating with fellow ladies today for Women’s Empowerment day. My dear readers I think by now you know how much I love to dance. It sets my spirit free and allows me to connect with my inner child who wanted to always be moving
Today I want to say I finally see myself for who I have been all along yet too fearful to show it 100% of the time. That’s why I love being 40+ because I don’t give a damn any longer what others think or if they agree with how I live my life. This is me. I have held myself back for too long with those limiting beliefs.

Feeling my power lately and celebrating my accomplishments. I have come so far in a short amount of time. Owning my true nature. I love the woman I am today. No apologies my dear readers. Stepping into my power, letting my light shine is so empowering. I hope you are doing the same in your own life.

Celebrating me
Happy Women’s Empowerment Day❤
Spirituality

Mother Nature’s daughter

Yesterday was my day off, it was 70 degrees out and the sunshine was glorious! I felt like singing, I did too for a bit, while I was running😉 Completed a 10 mile run by the closest and my most favorite body of water. Mother Nature was showing off yesterday in my humble opinion. God I love Mother Earth so dearly and feel like being out in nature is medicine for my soul💚

Like a booster shot😉
Being near water is my oasis
Trees are my friends, I speak to them

I love it when it’s clear enough to see both the sun and moon up in that bright blue sky. We have had increasingly rainy weather here in Dallas lately which added to the good vibes I was absorbing while I was outdoors for hours yesterday.

Hi there Mr. Sun😎
Why hello there Ms. Moon🌚

Today however I am crashing. I definitely have a tendency to run myself down when the energy I pick up outdoors revs me up! Plus, all the mental energy I spent, let me remind you my dear readers about the 14 hours I spent getting the interview article I am featured in compiled and sent off🤪 I am feeling shadow creeping in. Observing this. Allowing it. Sitting with it. This is my humanness and is completely normal. The fallout from the high. We exist in the in between and the shades of gray. Watching myself between these 2 spaces each a different polarity. Today I will be quiet and show myself grace. I am being compassionate with myself. This is balance ⚖ A continuous work in progress for me.

For my Nana

Lastly, last evening while I was gazing up at Ms. Moon lovingly I had another vision. My Nana who passed away 14 years ago this St. Patrick’s Day and is my most communicative spirit guide started talking with me in the most heart warming of ways. Using the moon as a backdrop like a movie screen, she started flashing some of my favorite memories in pictures. First was a solo portrait of her bright shiny and smiling face cast down upon me. Up second was an old family picture of us outside of the restraunt we ate at after her funeral service, followed by pictures of she and I. It reminded me of when I was much younger and my parents would play a slideshow on our refrigerator for my sister and I. Like every vision previously, my mouth hung open, eyes wide and fixated on the amazing beauty I was witnessing and Nana was sharing with me🥰

You must understand my dears that my Nana has the most generous and sweet of spirits. My Mom always tells me how much I remind her of her mother. It always feels like one of Nana’s hugs when she tells me that. I get those super warm fuzzies whenever we talk about her. It’s 100% true that the more I ask for signs and communication from my guides during meditation, the more they deliver. In the most humorous and entertaining of ways! Wouldn’t you, existing in pure bliss out there in our Universe? I continue to see the white orbs, hundreds of them floating through the sky whenever I’m outdoors. It’s easiest to see them when it’s a clear say but if I focus my eyes, I can see them on cloudy days too.

This life I have been blessed with is so humbling and magnificent sometimes, I am awe struck. Speechless with an overwhelming sense of gratitude for rising each day and laying my head down at the end of each day, like a ride on the ferris wheel. For that is what life is my dear reader’s….what a ride indeed🎡

Spirituality

Super Sagittarius and my upcoming project

I was born under a new moon and have both Sun & Moon in Sagittarius. Plus Venus, which governs our value system, pleasures and influences my charm, gracefulness and beauty…..mostly my heart’s desires😉
I also have Neptune in Sagittarius which is where I get my optimism and generosity from😉

I am considered a Super Sagittarius 💜♐
Thank you #earthboundtrading for this gorgeous constellation of Sagittarius barrette! Also this sweet aura bead meant to amplify my energy💜♐

Sagittarius constellation

Right now I’m going to give you a bit more information on the project I teased about in my last post about my professional photoshoot. I am so pleased my the response to my pictures and really damn happy I was taking them. I’m celebrating me🎉🥰

I told you my dear readers that I had them done for multiple reasons and the first upcoming project I just sent off, thankfully, was a real doozy!! I was asked to give an interview for a local magazine here in Dallas, TX that features upcoming people to watch in and around the city. When I first read the email I was so taken aback that I thought somebody was punking me🤣

Recognition in my inbox😊

What you may not know dear readers is that I unfortunately don’t own a laptop. I punch out this blog and my first book’s manuscript from my crappy Android cell phone. Where there’s a will there’s a way I always say💪😉 So on Monday night when I first received the final prints I was so excited to jump on this link and start answering the interview questions. Now, I have commented on some of my fellow blogger’s posts how I am not super tech savvy having to figure out things myself is hard and it is very time consuming but I will never let that stop me…..just a lil venting session is ok, right🤪 you know what I mean V at https://millenniallifecrisis.org/

There were 12 sections to complete, the first 5 were direct questions about my story, how I started and got to where I am today, was the path to success clear (if you’ve been reading my blog from the beginning you know my struggles and all about my uphill battles) if I think good luck or bad luck influences me, what sets me apart from other people, what am I most proud of accomplishing so far….damn it I just remembered I forgot to incorporate the poetry slams I have attended so far this year. Opps!!

Well, the reason for my absentmindedness is because I shouldn’t have started working so late at night while my mind was too tired. I became distracted by a notification, one of the frustrating reasons that pop up because I work from my phone, dragged down the screen without saving anything first and BAM….2 hours of writing gone.

Thankfully, Tuesday I was off from work so I woke up excited to start again except this time I thought I would try using the laptop inside my partner’s Mother’s house. We live in an in law suite in the back. She has an older laptop that I unfortunately spilled coffee on last year while I was babysitting our little nephew😐 so it tends to have a mind of it’s own. The WiFi signal in it has always been weak, when Mama came walking through the back room I was in she made a comment on how she was surprised it was working. I believe she inadvertently jinxed me because soon after that, the computer just died! It kept going through this annoying self repair feature and it wouldn’t allow me to log back onto the internet because the WiFi signal was completely dead. This time I had invested 6 hours of work so needless to say I was pretty upset. I told my partner that I would resume work on it today, Thursday and we walked to the local corner store for a beer to calm my nerves🍺

I should add in here that I always get extra emotional a week before my time of the month. I have PMDD, premenstrual dysphoric disorder, which makes my mind loopy, I misunderstand things and tend to process information differently. I am already a HSP yet I become even more so during this time because light, sounds and my internal temperature thermometer is up and down…..making me feel hot and then cold….yes and no…..Katy Perry in my head now 🙄

Last night I came home frustrated from work and I used that slow burning anger to keep me up all night until I finished and submitted the entire interview. I banged out another 6 hours!! I must say however, I feel relieved. Like a monkey is off my back. I am not of fan of deadlines, time management and the like. I live my life in a spontaneous do what I feel like kinda way most of the time if I can help it however of course I do have to adhere to a schedule because I understand that there is only so much time in the day. My conditioning and ego try to pull me back and keep me safe but I am determined to keep growing, evolving, recognizing, shifting where neccessary and always radically accepting. I am flawed, I am human and I love me despite it all🥰

The article should be published in a few weeks and I will definitely share it with you my dear readers. Peace out✌

Spirituality

Professional photoshoot

Well my dear readers, I finally had some professional photographs taken for my media portfolio, upcoming new book of poetry, “Emotional Musings 2” (I plan on self publishing it again on Amazon sometime this month y’all so stay tuned) and another surprise that I’m gonna tease you with here😉

I met Allan Willis II in the boutique I manage a few weeks ago when he came in shopping with his wife. We developed a natural connection as artists and I mentioned needing some photographs taken for my portfolio. It all unfolded so organically which I love❤

Sunday I woke up bright and early ready for our shoot! I asked my sales associate and dear friend Allie to help me with my makeup since she used to work for Christian Dior. We had so much fun getting everything just right for my big close up📸

My new profile picture

The entire next few hours went by in a breeze because I was so comfortable with not only my surroundings but with myself. The last professional photoshoot I did was when I was dancing and holding poses is very different than what we did for my author pictures. Think ok…..hold your leg high and 1-2-3 BAM or ready set jump in the air while looking the best you can and GO🤪 Afterwards, Allan told me he didn’t really have to do any building with me after taking some test shots which made me feel really good inside🤗

I have notoriously not enjoyed being the subject of pictures because I’m so hard on myself stemming from having an eating disorder and body dysmorphia when I was dancing. My mother has always been a pictures fanatic which I too have a love/hate relationship with. Having to pose for pictures is unnatural for me and I can see my unease in those types of pictures instantly which makes me not like them or the experience at all….and that cycle has goes on and on for years🙄

Free spirited, daydreaming chic

This experience completely changed my view of being the main subject of a picture! I even told Allan that if he ever needs a model for anything to please call me. I can honestly and truly feel myself transforming from that shy, no self esteem, forced happiness trying to ignore my wounded inner child adult into a self confident, self assured and empowered woman when I look that these pictures. He was able to capture my love of being in a big city, free spirited essence with flair and my bohemian chic style🌈🌠❤

Dallas or San Francisco😉

I have recently come across some posts discussing how in our society we are conditioned to view self care and self love as selfishness and I can whole heartedly agree with that. For my entire life up until June ’19 I have put others before myself. When I was a stay at home mother my biggest mistake was not taking care of myself enough. This is the longest stretch where I have stayed true to the promise of taking care of myself first and foremost, a 180 degree change for the better and I’m doing it consistently. I am proud of myself for this. I have obtained so much inner peace this way, caring for my spirit and nurturing myself. It’s not always easy and those I love push my boundaries a lot but I refuse to give in and go back to the old Maria.

This is me

I have written before about how I always knew from reading my astrological chart that I would be a late bloomer, not really coming into my own until midlife. This is the opposite of a midlife crisis, this is midlife contentment. I’m finally loving not only myself but where I am in life. I may not be rich but I’m wealthy in karma. I do my best each day to stay in the moment and enjoy life. I’m letting go of old beliefs surrounding perfectionism and embracing my own emotions, not allowing other’s emotions to drag me down (#empathproblems) I’m healing and honoring my inner child while observing how that has helped make a big shift in my behaviors not only with myself but with others. As always, I remain hopeful and hold tremendous faith that the Divine has my back. I’m stepping into this new, shiny and much lighter version of me and I couldn’t be happier💃😊

Maria Teresa aka Ladysag77
Spirituality

Tapping in my bathroom

Afyer many requests from my friends and followers for a quick video of me tap dancing….here it is! Yes, I am in my bathroom on tile floor which is super slippery but I’M TAP DANCING!! Monday is my usual day off and I felt like tappin….getting more and more comfortable with my non perfectionism while embracing my quirky self💃
Do what makes your feet start tappin y’all😊
From my heart to yours, make it a great day!

Tap dancing
Spirituality

My big day off

Phew, I have been on a roll lately my dear readers that has time moving at light speed! I’ve been so busy in the best ways. First of all, my oldest son Tyler, who had never visited me here in Dallas, came here last week for four days. Now he has my heart singing because he told me he wants to relocate here! His father, my ex-husband and I have been divorced for almost ten years now. I relocated out of state of Rhode Island seven years ago so needless to say, I haven’t lived in the same state as my children for a long time.

I have written before about how messy my divorce was but it stands to emphasize that my ex is quite ignorant. He has refused to speak to me for going on five years now. We share joint custody but I granted him primary placement because he is the more stable one in both finances and emotions between the two of us. He has successfully alienated my younger son Miles, who will be 15 in April, from me. I understand why things have unfolded as they have and I have faith that once he has more real life experience plus a few more years of maturity, he will come around as Ty has.

Ty and I out and about in the big city

I have never, and I am proud of this fact, spoken a negative word about their father to either of my boys. That is their Dad, part of who they are and their idol even hero in many ways. I know all too well how when one parent is always negative about the other, the incredible damage it does to not only the parent child relationship but the child’s self esteem. This being said, my oldest will be 19 in August and is well aware of how both of his parents differ in personality. I have become more free to explain my side of things now.

Having Ty here was wonderful. I was a stay at home mother for twelve years and my greatest role in life will always be Mom. Getting to inhabit that role again is just the best feeling!! Ty and I are very alike and we vibe so well off each other naturally,  it’s so cool😊 He loves to tell me how when he thinks about me, while he’s home in RI, all of a sudden I call and vice versa for me! I tell him that’s because we are so connected plus we are both empaths. We finish each other’s sentences and I can recognize how strong his intuition is, especially for his age. Ty is light years ahead of me when I was his age! He makes me so damn proud😁

This post is entitled “My big day off” though so let’s get to that😉

New purchase of a Himalayan salt lamp

I love it when I get a day off during the week. I had a few errands to run downtown which took up most of my afternoon. I don’t own a car, so I use ride share, Uber specifically, everywhere I go. Today however, my destinations were close enough that I could walk to each of them. I don’t know what was in the air today but I found myself bumbling around from each place to the next. I’m talking about walking the wrong route more than once, forgetting my bag at a stop and having to search desperately for a public restroom! I couldn’t get out of my own way🤪

In the late afternoon, I had Uber bring my partner to our favorite hole in the wall pub so we could have a stiff drink and an early dinner or late lunch depending on how you want to look at it😉 I simply walked there and met him. It’s so important to me that we have at least one “date” a week where we can be ourselves, no distractions and be the fun loving couple we are. Letting go of life’s stressors.

We kissed goodbye and I sent him off home while I went over to the dance studio that I have been taking dance classes at. Tonight I returned to tap after many years of attending a proper class! I think the last time I was in a class was when I was sixteen years old! I taught the standard half hour ballet, half hour tap to little ones for years but that is a different beast all together!

Laced up the ol tap shoes💃

I was quickly reacquainted with how mathematical tap is and how often the steps fall on the “and” count. Our teacher was old school and super Southern. A real character and I loved her immediately! She kept remarking on how good I was doing and adding, “just jump in once you get it!”

I know I am so hard, too hard on myself from being trained in such a serious fashion plus dancing at a competitive level that it altered my entire outlook on dance. Returning as an adult, a mother, someone who has been on a 10 year odyssey of spirituality and healing and a yogi for 20 years I can now fully embrace not only myself but my sheer passion for dance! I really honored little Maria tonight. I thoroughly entertained myself and was able to laugh a lot as I untangled the stickiness of remembering the steps! The phrase that kept running through my head was, “you can do it Maria…it’s just like riding a bike!” Plus, I was taught to never walk out of a class, no matter what. I still stick that that rule🙌

This is a 180 degree difference to the Maria I was when I abruptly quit my dancing career at 16. That young lady was extremely hard on herself, self harmed with an eating disorder and was entirely too serious about everything. Nowadays, I enjoy laughing at myself, being silly and actively intending on not taking life too seriously. I make it a point to remind myself throughout my day to relax, will _____ matter a year even a month from now? It’s a mindset and a real shift from where I used to be. Welcome abundance mindset 👏

It felt really good to have the awesome ladies I tapped with tonight tell me they enjoyed my upbeat energy, personality and tap skills. They each asked if I would return to which I responded with a resounding HELL YEAH!

I must give myself credit here for acknowledging just how much I have grown in a short amount of time. My partner and I discussed it during our meal together. Since unearthing repressed memories of sexual abuse in June that occurred when I was 5 and 6, I have expierienced two back to back spiritual awakenings that have significantly raised my internal vibration. I acquired a new job that I absolutely love, my dream job in so many ways. I am healing my inner child wounds and in doing so have reconnected and solidified my authentic self. The Maria I am today is the most comfortable I have ever been in life. 100%

23 year old me

Ty even told my dear friend and the owner of the boutique I manage that he never thought he would see his Mom this happy. She remarked on how evident my influence was on him during his formative years because of what a great young man he has grown into being. That is definitely the greatest compliment I could ever receive. Deciding to move to Florida, push the reboot button in life after the divorce was extremely painful and difficult for all three of us, my boys and I. Being a Mom and raising my sons is my hands down greatest accomplishment in life. The separation alienated me from not only them but some of my family and friends. Many people had harsh comments and opinions for a mother, who in their words, chose to abandon her children. Entrusting them selflessly to their father. I knew he was the better parent at the time. I recognized that and I acted accordingly. Period.

This is the cold hard truth my dear readers. I was so lost, numb to my life at age 33 that I really wanted to die. I attempted taking my own life more than once. I was presented with the toughest choice I have ever had to make but one that was also absolutely necessary. It was my boys or me and I had to choose me which was counter to how I had lived my life up until then all along. Focusing solely on myself was scary as hell (still is at times)and felt so foreign, downright wrong at first. Ten years later, I can say that I love myself, I believe in myself by being my own best cheerleader. Two values I could never own before.

Ty & I ❤❤

I feel this poem really hits on the vein of letting go, recovering perfectionism and obtaining real self love. It’ll always be a work in progress and I’m ok with that. Keeping my mind open, willing to always learn, laugh at myself and embrace all that life has to offer is where I’m at today😊

Control….or release of it😉