Today marks three weeks since my Dad’s passing. This time in my life, remains as I described in my last post, strangely beautiful. We’re extremely connected yet I can’t help but feel a tremendous heaviness within my heart. I’ve accepted that it will remain there for some time to come.. It’s as though his passing has created a leak within my heart and as much I try to find my footing, my flow is off. Ah, patience you fickle concept you. Alas, I find myself sitting amongst many of us in the collective within the dark night of my soul period, otherwise known as shadow work. The Universe has presented me with a triple whammy of sorts to sit through.
My creativity and imagination are what I’m leaning into mostly right now. Truth be told, patience and I are not friends lately. Google defines the concept of patience as “being more than trust, and as a value that reflects the state of one’s body and mind. The term pariksaha is sometimes also translated as test or exam, in other contexts. Some of these concepts have been carried into the spiritual understanding of yoga”.
I must admit I haven’t been on my yoga mat as much as I should and need to be lately. I’m being brought through old coping patterns and lots of nostalgia. I’m having that, “seeing my life flashing before my eyes” scenario play out minus the sense of impending doom. Most days I cry often allowing the flow of my tears to happen without lending judgement to them. Crying for crying’s sake.
Many questions relating to Taoism keep popping up in my mind. Taoism is the ancient Chinese philosophy (also known as Daoism) attributed to the teachings of Lao Tzu, a spirit I channel often. It emphasizes doing what is natural and “going with the flow” in accordance with the Tao (or Dao), a cosmic force of energy which flows through all things that both binds and releases them. These ideas align with me as a shaman as I ponder what my place is within this world. This year has brought me to a depth of my soul, a dark abyss that can best be described as the place where scuba divers get to, way down deep into the ocean where they experience neutral buoyancy. Their bodies merge as one with the deep waters, allowing them to be so deep & swim as freely as they want to. These freedoms within this depth has triggered yet another layer of fear to be peeled from my being. I find myself once again, surrendering to the unknown and allowing myself to fall apart.
Breakdowns lead to breakthroughs, I admitted to my son the other day when he called to say hi and I spontaneously broke out in tears. I told him that God gives his toughest battles to the fiercest warriors. Witnessing my Mom’s broken heart, the pain from having COVID-19 herself and not being able to hug my siblings hurts. Period. My dear friend Sophia reminded me soon after my Dad passed that I don’t always have to be the strong one. Boy, these past three weeks have shown me that truth in the most profound of ways. Again, my dear readers I retreat to my words and my paints.
This past weekend was quite cathartic as I sat out on the patio, watching the rain and painting. These are my latest poems, all speak to the strong emotions that my heart is acknowledging and releasing. My only job is observing them and allowing them. Keeping my healer’s heart and soul in balance. One of my soul sister’s and I had a great chat on Saturday about the power of vulnerability as a healer. Honestly, I myself have more respect for those who can admit their struggles than the constant “love and light” crowd that tend to be found spiritually bypassing those of us who are doing the deep inner work that explores the pain. My heart is in pain yet I know it’s a temporary situation in order to strengthen me. To live life without my Dad. To face life’s challenges minus my life partner for the time being. To rely solely upon myself and know that I’m constantly supported by the Divine. To embrace being pure magic. To remember who I am as a child of God who graciously serves Him.
On Sunday, the sun was shining brightly as I went out for a run. As I approached the nature preserve near the park I run in, I looked up to see my Dad’s spirit flying overhead as a short-tailed hawk. Moments later I looked down and right there, in the middle of the sidewalk was a beautiful lapis lazuli stone! A reminder, a gift from Dad to always speak my truth and stand in my power. I use this stone regularly to balance my throat chakra and I just so happened to have transplanted mine that morning. Lapis luzli is a powerful stone that encourages self-awareness and taking charge of your own life. It helps us to express ourselves safely, empowering us without holding back, and brings the qualities of honesty, compassion, and integrity. Indeed Divinely timed, guided, protected and unconditionally loved.
A theme that has been present for me during this time is water. Ah, how water does elevate the pressure and the sheer weight of these feelings, assisting in the flow of them. I want to share with you dear ones this beautiful song. While you listen to it, visualize the power of the ocean washing away all your fears. Namaste.
In light and in shadow, always with love. If you’re interested in a shamanic healing session, tarot card reading, my recorded meditations or to purchase any of my 4 books of poetry please click the link below.
https://linktr.ee/Ladysag77
Emotional Musings 
You expect way too much from yourself! You’re doing great!! I can’t imagine dealing with the loss of a father. It’s impossible to bypass the emotions or be above them! You must cry and cry!! It’s heartbreaking! Cry into it, go into it deeply and feel the pain. And come through the other side. (Just for the record, I have no idea why I’m typing this right now, and I hope it doesn’t seem presumptuous or obnoxious.)
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My dear that’s what I’m admitting to doing. In the past these types of feelings would trigger dissociation and detachment. I am allowing myself to feel, probably for the first time ever during an extremely life altering situation. I understand you are consoling me and thus giving me permission to do this. Yes, I am too hard on myself. Years of feelings others and ignoring myself has created a crossing of wires that only recently have been reprogrammed to allow for me to be fully in my body, feeling whatever comes up. Thank you for always showing me such love, kindness and understanding 💗
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Great job! Keep it up!!
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Always ❤
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Oh Maria, what a beautiful gift to find the beautiful Azul stone on the sidewalk, to allow your voice to shine so beautifully in your poems. Raw emotions, triggering old patterns to clear deeper for beauty and calm wih the waves of this song.. I LOVE THIS SONG, THE OCEAN AND YOU! ❤️ Cindy
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Isn’t it just one of the most beautiful tributes to the power of the ocean? I have been having the most amazing experiences lately. A true testament to the unconditional love that is always available to us, should we choose to see it. I’m stripping away the judgements of myself and experiences to view them as all playing a grand role. This time in shadow has truly been a hard won turn yet I find the more I can lean into and accept the pain, the more beautiful life is in the light on the other side. Happy to always share with you dear Cindy❤ Glad this served you and your beautiful heart.
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totally, the oceanarium is such a powefful healer. What a powerful time of healing and connection with your Dad. What treasured gifts as you are surrendering on so many levels. My heart holds yours while you continue fo move through the other side. love always. ❤️
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Thank you Cindy🙏 It’s a difficult journey yet a fruitful and beautiful one too. Namaste 🙏
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you’re sop welcome and you are doing it!
❤️🙏
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💃🤸♀️🧚♀️👯♀️ we are together ❤….little Maria is rejoicing 🎆
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🙌🐎♥️
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I hear you, and I feel you, my friend. You are right where you should be, drink it all in, feel it, live it, you are healing and learning! 🥰
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Amen 😇🙏🎆
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I just said the same thing…breakdowns lead to breakthroughs. The time that we are in right now is so powerfully cleansing in a round about way. Even I’m now facing the very things that I have managed to block out in order to protect myself from being hurt in matters of the heart.
Your Dad is helping you clear these aspects of yourself as you move into your next steps/chapter. There is so much to process after the loss of a parent. So much being stirred up at the moment but we can see it so we can heal it.
There’s a reason why you don’t have that masculine energy around you right now. Perhaps its more related to your inner Goddess. It’s a time where you realize how truly strong you are. The fact that you’re creating while working through the tough spots is wonderful. Lots of things are hard and if you can come back to this very moment and simply allow your guides and angels to take your burdens from you…your heaviness will lift. I felt like I just wrote a book.
Maria you are a warrior and you will fly again when you are ready to. I am here if you need me. I still believe that the many challenges that we face are to make us stronger than we already are…so we can light the path for those who need our knowledge, experience and blessings down the road.
I always say this but I love the way you write. I’ve noticed how raw your feelings are…you just throw your cards out there for all to see and it’s inspiring. You’re helping me to do the same. So no matter what troubles you are facing…you are helping others as you shift inside. You’ve got this!! Love you sister!!! 💗🙏🌟🤗💜
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Wow……I told you to never ever doubt how much of an inspiration and loving light you are gor me too. The feelings are so very mutual, I have a vision of us dancing right now. The paths we have walked are one in the same, the journey of the heart always leads to more love ❤
I told my Mom just this morning that I feel God is helping me to reconnect to my feminine power so yes, the inner goddess makes sense😉 I have a practice of journaling daily with my Goddess Workbook. I told you that over this year I’ve been visited by many of them, channeling them….you know, what we do😉
I made a promise with God and my higher self many years ago that I would be a beckon of hope and show others that it is possible to heal from life’s darkest of challenges. That’s what fuels my writing, in part. It’s 100% from my soul. Making this transition to run on soul has changed my life in innumerable ways.
I accepted my path and released my burdens just this morning actually, to my angels, in a flood of tears. The feeling of peaceful healing has been washing over me in waves all day. Your love and support has created yet another ripple. Love you eternally sister of mine💗🌈🎆😇
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My heart supports you. I think I moved away from looking at things like patience and move in the waters of acceptance. I accept when I am patient and when I’m not. One of the encouragements in Zen is accept everything. I think I’m getting closer to understanding the meaning of that and how it doesn’t mean to approve or like. It’s recognizing what is. Life is bittersweet. Take really good care of you. Be kind to you.
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Ah, I feel this. In the days since I wrote this I’ve reached an acceptance by surrendering to what is. This has taken time for me because my heart is sad. My Dad’s passing has certainly stirred up a lot of previously examined thought patterns for the ever present opportunity to dive deeper. While accepting that I’m in this emotional process, I am doing my best to show myself as much grace as possible. The phrase I keep coming back to is beautifully strange. A real gift❤ Thank you for your kindness Bryan🙏
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Beautifully strange, what a beautiful phrase. Be kind to you.
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Thank you, same to you my friend ❤
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I absolutely love the theme that “flows” through this of the idea of flow. That your flow is off, that tears flow, time flows, and water flows. The idea of flow has such a huge and open many varied meaning, and can be about those very deepest things — spirit, water, energy, emotions, tides and time — we can not control flow but we can accept it’s movement wherever we find it, flowing with it or just knowing eventually the flow will stop and we will be on solid ground, with no flowing tears. We can block up our flow and then find ways to unblock it when the time is right. This is as always a beautiful essay on life, love, and spirit. Thank you so much. I will not wish you any more but all of the ability to “go with the flows” in the surety that all will be well and very well with you, your father, and the world. Jane
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My deepest appreciation my dear Jane for seeing me and feeling this flow of words and emotions. I really like the way you summed up this post. Big shifts are occurring for me, supported always by the Universe and its natural rhythms. Much love to you❤
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“I told him that God gives his toughest battles to the fiercest warriors. Breakdowns, lead to breakthroughs…” a heart and soul, being built up stronger! Blessings!
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Indeed🙏 Blessings to you always Warren 🙏
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🙏🏽
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I am so sorry, Maria, know this loss too well. And what it can bring back to the surface. Cry, scream, do whatever helps you heal. When my dad passed I was mentally exhausted and sick of that sad dread feeling. He suffered too much. Something had me turn up the radio and sing at the top of my lungs and for some odd season it helped it made me smile. Odd if someone is 👀 ng in from the outside. I guess we do whatever makes us heal from this loss and feel close to them. …. My dad last bed music. I am thinking ng of you and so many hugs. I like be you lady. Sorry I have been M I A. Alot going on mentally and physically. ❤️😘
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I completely understand, we have all been dealing with more than usual. This past month has been both extremely painful and beautiful. Thank you for being a friend to me always❤
Yes, death and absence have a way of really stirring things up. Mostly I’m trying to stay afloat.
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Yes, afloat is a perfect word. Hugs😊❤️
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