On days like today, I don’t avoid the rain but purposely go out into it, with my bike or on foot. Today I chose my bike. I like to go for long rides up to 20 miles on some days. The last time I rode in the rain I was annoyed, frustrated and just wanted to get it over. Today’s ride was born from those feelings, they are what drove me out into the storm. The rain holds the magic in which I cleanse my soul while drenching my entire being and allows for clarity. Often in these past two weeks, I have felt utterly lost in emotion.
I have been running from myself for years. Avoiding, dissociating, distracting myself with many different things like abusing alcohol, over exercising, excessive talking and other people’s troubles. Anything to not feel me. Lately I have discovered the wisdom in stillness and quiet. Emotional dysfunction whispers lies yet my soul knows there is always hope. I no longer have the luxury of doing the types of activities and maladaptive behaviors that keep me separated from myself, they have officially run their course. As I write this post, the two songs that have played from my playlist were Phil Collins, “In the Air Tonight” and Bill Withers “Lean on Me”. Both are appropriate for this post because their lyrics shine light on exactly how I have been feeling these past couple of weeks. My feelings have brought me to another layer of shedding what no longer serves, letting go of attachments to allow for my authentic self to come through. Thank you God for showing me in practical, real life instances to lean on you. I certainly have felt this coming for some time, especially at night.
Learning to become a shamanic healer has taught me that I must first face the challenges in my life, the very ones that I’ve avoided in order to fully help others in their own healing. I must first heal my own soul as a requirement for this role. It’s been whispering to me, “it’s time Maria” and “you can do this”. All the while I have felt so utterly alone. Despite living with both my parents and my son. This minus my partner has made my heart feel so blue without him. He’s my best friend and companion, the person who nudges me out of my seriousness and all the pressure I put upon myself. He accepts me fully no questions asked. We made arrangements for his arrival this week that have been unfortunately postponed for the time being due to circumstances beyond both of our control. That question of “what is in my control” has been popping up a lot lately and I have been taking a lot of what’s been going on personally, which does me no good. I learn so much about myself through our relationship which a big reason I respect, admire and love him as I do. This time apart has presented another opportunity for me to fully accept myself, on my own. I feel so different since we were last together and fear started creeping in again. Would he still love me?
My ride today solidified that the way I was going about this situation isn’t serving me best. I can’t look to anyone or anything to give me these answers. During these long wet rides, I talk to myself and God. That’s when it hit me, I have to rely on God who aids my own inner strength for these realizations. I’m meant to be alone for a bit longer and really I’m never truly alone. That’s an illusion my mind has been telling myself forever, since my confusing childhood years that were loud and scary. As a middle child, I have always had others around me. I have lived alone for very short amount of time in my life. In the total of my 42 years I’ve probably spent less than one year on my own. The light that shines brightly within can’t be denied and I love myself for knowing that, for feeling that again.
Since May, moving and starting this apprenticeship I have seen the different aspects of my being that I have avoided, tried to erase, betrayed and denied. If one is to be whole, ALL of these parts must be integrated into an I AM mantra and belief. There is no separation, no duality, no personality that owns my whole. For I AM all of them which today gives me comfort, no longer fear or shame.
I keep writing throughout all of these realizations and ah-ha moments. This morning after meditation, the message I kept hearing was, “Maria, bloom where you grow”. Then I wrote this poem. While I’m writing this paragraph, Dolly Parton’s “Wildflowers” is playing. This song is exactly how I have felt my entire life. Listen my dear readers…..
Lao Tzu said, “Trying to understand is like straining through muddy water. Have the patience to wait! Be still and allow the mud to settle.” Patience is a virtue I have been cultivating in my garden of growth for years now. After my bike ride arriving home, I feel at peace and I can say the water is running clear my dear readers.
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