Mental health

Celebrating the small steps

In the last few days an undeniable and solid peace has washed over and is comforting me. My analytical mind wants to call out all of the reasons why I think this is so. Again, even while writing this and essentially downloading my thoughts on the subject of furthering this self healing journey I am on, I can’t help but see how both parts of my brain are working together. Not just the logic seeking, results driven analytical part but also the communicative, creative and empathetic part too working in a kind of see saw effect. I once dwelled so intensely in just the analytical part of my mind. So much so that I would get lost in the whys and feel terribly stuck. Sound familiar to anyone?

In the past as I just mentioned, I felt cut off and deprived at times from my creativeness. I believe that to be the lighter, more carefree and fearless part of me, I need show myself compassion and grace. These two sides are no longer at war with each other. They have founded a new partnership and by doing so I am feeling a real sense of freedom.

I spend a lot of time these days reading about and exploring levels of consciousness. I believe that I am in the process of teasing out two concepts. One being observing how my ego mediates between superego and the identity aspects of my personality. The stories each can spin in order to protect myself and impede the incredible shift that I’m undergoing are challenging my entire thought process while I expand my consciousness. Uncovering my true self, rewriting old and unfounded beliefs, lies really that don’t match my reality is for me just a higher level of awareness.

The second concept is integration of my shadow self and how much awareness I now have whenever I feel myself getting uncomfortable with parts of myself that feel at first shameful and threatening to my sanity. By digging a bit deeper and unconconditionally loving those parts of myself, I have created space for more acceptance of myself.

For example, the beliefs I have surrounding my own sexuality used to feel dirty and wrong. Instinctively I have been both dissoactive and dialectical when it comes to sex in general seeing it as both beautifully pleasurable, necessary as a bodily function while also feeling negatively full of shame. Yes, that is due to the sexual abuse and trauma I have experienced but it’s amazing how many other stories my ego would silently scream at me surrounding other aspects of my personality that aren’t part of my sexual identity as a woman.

I am continuing to tap into my self care rituals and reestablishing my yoga practice, breathwork and meditation has been hugely effective in gaining more mindfulness of both my thoughts and my physical awareness. How my feelings feel in my body. The most recent being a redefined focus of how anger feels. I know anger is born out of fear and while most of my life has been run by fear and anxiety, it makes sense to me that I am now paying closer attention to how anger feels.

I had blocked, stuffed and dissociated myself from these two most uncomfortable and troubling feelings. It sounds silly now to me but fear played a role in my drive that in the past I felt necessary to propel me on in life. Anger was something I completely denied and wouldn’t allow myself to truly feel. When I’m angry I have felt ugly, wrong and unworthy. These were the mixed messages my brain was being sent that only drove me further down sufferings path.

Now integrating these different yet vital pieces of my psyche I can clearly see how each one serves me and allows my resilience to grow. I’m having to have patience with myself which is extremely hard for me. I’m great at holding this space for others but when the focus is on me I immediately become impatient with myself. Meditation allows for and creates space between these conflicting thoughts. Once messages are challenged and the universe sends me signs that tell me to accept, love and care for myself in spite of my shortcomings, peace and contentment can grow and take root in my soul.

It’s so richly rewarding to be taking care of myself in these ways. Reparenting my wounded inner child, loving and accepting the small accomplishments will lead me to succeed. I have always held space for others, putting them before myself being and being the ultimate people pleaser. These days I am reevaluating how I feel in each of my relationships and establishing stronger boundaries. I’m deciding what is and isn’t my responsibility and what I will or won’t allow from others. It’s the ultimate in self love dear readers.

I’m really seeing how much these last 6 months of deep diving into integration of my shadow and reexamining my self acceptance, holding space for grace towards myself has given to my entire outlook on life. I know success is in my near future now. Doing this work has allowed me to open up my ability to tap into my flow state more. Operating from a much more conscious place. Focusing on really learning to love me.

Untangling shame is so empowering and is helping me alter my perceptions which give my creative mind even more to explore. Dwelling in the sticky uncomforbility of it all, challenging difficult emotions and moods is becoming a new superpower. I have accepted that only Maria can take the best care for Maria. This conversation I’m having with myself represents true inner beauty and acceptance because both light and dark must meet in order to be completely authentic ❤️

15 thoughts on “Celebrating the small steps”

    1. You are so kind and I so appreciate your support. My fellow writers reading my work and following my posts means everything to me. I love this space on WordPress. Thank you🤗


    1. I was taught to celebrate the small steps when I was in the hospital 8 yrs ago. I would get really hard on myself for needing to return so often. This is my attempt at not only giving myself permission to be ok with not being perfect but allowing myself to feel proud of my accomplishments emotionally. It’s been a long hard road yet a beautiful one too. My journey has brought me to myself and that is a priceless gift. Self acceptance and love is huge for me❤
      Thank you for recognizing it too and supporting me🤗

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh I so understand you. I have always been hard on myself as well. I always have like to live just taking it one day at a time. Growing up with a chronic illness I have always been nervous with doctors and …. medical etc . But this summer after my kids both became adults as Nd I no longer was just mom I had to step out from their shadow.. hiding behind them. I found I needed to find me again . I’m enjoying this . Just being me and I’m taking back my life and taking better care of me. I fell a month ago and landed in the hospital for the weekend . I didn’t break anything but my leg was determined not to move and the put a lot of drugs in me . So they kept me . Usually I would fight but this time I didn’t I actually embraced it and needed the mental break as well and I think they knew it so they kept me. Oh it was nice lol and I’m still shocked that I can say that. So yes I can relate. And support you ❤️


      2. Wow, we really are very much alike! My boys are 14 & 18 and live primarily with my ex-husband very far away from me. I was a stay at home mother for 12 yrs. Then I expierienced a long and arduous mental breakdown. Ultimately, I needed to discover who I was and am. It’s very difficult but I too surprise myself with what I have become comfortable with. It’s a pleasure to know you through our writing. Two women in a similar situation rediscovering us, I love it❤

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’m sorry you had to suffer through that . But I believe things like that only make you stronger. Thank you and I am pleased to know you through our writings. Yes! Two women rediscovering us . I like that so much❤️


      4. We can BOTH celebrate our small steps forward. I was forged in pain and trauma to come out of it and share with others. What doesn’t break you does definitely make you stronger❤

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I FOUND you! Fantastic! I absolutely love this post. I was also abused and felt the same about sex. I see so much of myself in this post and I thank you for giving guidance on how to overcome it. I hope I can get where you are to control so many things that lead to my issues dealing with life as an Empath and my anxiety. This really makes me feel empowered that I can do this! Thank you so much!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s a pleasure and I feel honored to read your comment here. I believe once we learn how to protect ourselves, it’s part of my soul’s purpose to help others heal. That’s why I started sharing my writing. I have used writing as a tool to help me process and now I share in Hope’s of inspiring and validating others. Such a blessing, thank you😊

      Liked by 1 person

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